Woke up angry this morning and was happy about that. It means I'm entering another phase of this break up. I've spent the last week and a half in the first two stages: shock and hope. I've been blaming myself for everything, feeling unattractive, worthless and evil. This morning, though, instead of missing all those things I loved about Lathen, I was pissed off at everything he wasn't and led me to believe he was and because he is taking everything away that he said was mine. Maybe he doesn't mean to, but still... Yeah, I messed up - a lot. I did some unforgivable things, but damn it! That's what happens when girls like me are lonely, when you don't talk to us, don't want to touch us or make love to us. I feel like I was always myself with him. He knew how I felt, what I wanted, what I needed. I really believe I communicated these things to him. Effectively, maybe not, but I tried. But who was he? A tender-hearted soul, yes, but I think all he ever told me he needed was freedom to do as he pleased, but I wouldn't let him. No, I wouldn't let him when it hurt me, but only then. Is that too much to ask? But why did these things hurt me? This is what I must ask myself.

These lists could go on, so I will only post the top 10

I LIKE IT THAT I/AM:
Funny
Educated
Loving
Able to sing well
Progressive
Eager to learn
Not scared of growing up/growing old
Believe in a higher power
Believe in the stars
Believe there's potential in everyone

I KINDA WISH I WASN'T:
Insecure
Scared to be alone
Distrustful
So easily persuaded
So needful for attention
Fatherless
Chubby
Restless
Tempermental
Able to lose control

It's been practically a week post-break-up and as a good friend pointed out, I've made it through the toughest part. I've made progress. I found a nice apartment that will accept my cat and my washer and dryer. I will have to leave the dogs in Lathen's hands, but he does love them and I have faith they will be well taken care of. I will miss those little creatures more than anything. They were always there for me, every night. This whole thing sucks, but I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do. I do not want a man in my life whose reality is so different than mine. I'm realizing that what I want, my dreams and goals, make no sense to him at this point. In fact, I think they scare him. These importances? Family, education, stability, structure. His importances? Money, freedom, reckless abandon. Unless something changed, we were doomed. People don't change. I will continue to need these things and so will he. Sometimes love just ain't enough.

I will cut my spongelessness short today to write a bit about the tumultuousness of my life right now with the hopes of shedding some of the pressing sadness away. As I walked out the front door this morning, I stopped on the step and took a deep breath thinking -
"today is yet another 'first day of the rest of my life' ". As I focused on the smoke that was rising from my neighbor's chimney I also thought - "Tonight, I will sleep alone. There will be no call from Lathen at 2 a.m. telling me he is on his way home. Tomorrow, I will wake up alone." You see, Lathen and I have drifted apart and he, apparently being stronger than I, has forced yet another break up in my life. I'm angry that this had had to happen to me so many times. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. The sadness is overwhelming. But there are brief moments where I can feel the small flame of hope for a better future. One filled with happiness and love. The kind that doesn't go away. This is all I want.

I usually write quite soulfully when in turmoil, but I think I'm going to take a short hiatus from Brainsponge while I work through this particular difficulty. Just so you know, what follows is yesterday's horoscope. I'm wondering just how true it is...

There's no question, this has been a long time coming. But today the change you have been hoping for so long is likely to occur, Mollie. The enormity of the change may not be obvious, at least at first. But over time, you will look back upon the events of today and see just how pivotal they were. Keep your wits about you today, and seize any intriguing opportunity that comes along.

Shitty weekend. Don't feel like writing.

For all you ladies.. in case you wondered... what follows is an email from my friend, Charlie, in response to my question: "What should I get Lathen for Christmas?"

THE SECRET TO A CONTENTED MAN

I am sure you do these things already. Surprise him, let him know how special he is--not when he has done something already for you.(put a love note in his pocket, glove box or underwear drawer) spray a kleenex with your perfume and leave it on his visor. Small gifts leading up to a big one. Does he have a bike? Trips are good, a picture of a landmark, beach, golden gate bridge, snowy Mountain, (I got a car once-but she stole it back). Find out what meant a lot to him as a child and he doesn't have now- sports star autograph, baseball cards, Theres a ton of things--the biggie for me was/is something that takes me back to a special time with her, a ring, bracelet,(my bike that's in Tampa) special picture (no not that kind) mine was us and the seals at fishermen wharf in SF. I know you could do this, a special poem that tells him something he has never heard from you, framed so he sees it regularly. Heres another killer--no ferris wheels available, you need a friend with a camera (get out of the gutter) - 13th and O at noon with a gazillion People scurrying about, as you are standing on the corner among the masses, you take him in you arms and give him the longest,deepest, softest kiss that starts at his lips and ends minutes later shaking his toes. Your friend snaps the photo with all the people in the background. People do it all the time in bars, doesn't mean anything- 13th and O, noon, witnesses--that's a statement 8 X 10 glossy and its recorded for posterity. Every time you and he look at it-zowie. Sorry got carried away, too much testosterone.
If all else fails high heels, a different perfume and topcoat--and that's all. ...[omitted]... I think the holidays make me weird---yea it has to do with a woman.

I've contributed to my friend, Cami's, "Ode to Ex" week by submitting a few short essays entitled Weasel, Gearhead and Captain America. Check them, and many others, out at nutz'so.

So instead of the usual pajama party last night, the girls and I swung down to Sandy's for some elk creek and karaoke. A typical drunk night at Sandy's, I guess. I sang "Down So Long". And after I returned home and passed out, I dreamt of naked christmas lights and wine. ?

In response to yesterday's "hair blog", my dear, sweet friend, Mary, sent me the following email:

You silly girl . . . .
I've never seen you have a bad hair day in your life!
You have the disgustingly good luck of having sexy
hair. When your hair starts falling down, unlike
mine, which just looks messy and like I never brush
it, yours looks like you just stepped out of the
studio for the Playboy centerfold shot.
Geez, guys were always jumping over you like puppy
dogs when you started playing with your hair.
Would've made me sick, had I not been your loyal
wingman.
Better go, make sure the kiddo actually gets the
macaroni IN her mouth.
Love you!

Of course, that message made my day and, I'll admit, I posted it here for an extremely HUGE ego boost. But mostly to remind myself that even though I may think I'm not perfect enough, there are others who see beauty in their reality, and I should, too. Thank God for friends like her. And by the way, Mary is a tall, long-legged, skinny blonde and I've seen my share of "puppies" while out with her!

After a frustrating 10 minutes in front of the mirror this morning, this popped into my head as I drove to work.
You got to sing it.. blues style.. for it to sound good...

I wake up in the morning
wonder what the hell shall I wear
And then I look in the mirror
Take a good long look at my hair

My hair isn't quite falling
I put it up but it won't stay
I'm destined to have yet another
why-do-I-look-like-this-day

I've got the blues
the bad bad bad hair day blues....

Ouch. I've created for myself trepidation and limitation through an almost constant insistence on an impossible reality. That hurts.

Pajama Party No. 2 last night at Tammy's. I did not overdo it on the wine, but I did have to share a toke with good ol' Trude. It's been so long since I did that that I'm not even sure I succeeded. My contribution? I shared pictures and told tales of Cleveland. I won't disclose a majority of the other's conversation (top priority stuff), but there is some good news I can share... everyone got laid last weekend! Woo-hoo!

I miss Cleveland.

Continued.... Upon waking on Sunday, we made a speedy pack-up and lugged ourselves and our luggage downstairs to be driven to, finally, The Wyndham who would hold our luggage until after the game. We chose to walk to the game, it being only about a mile away. This way, we were part of the game crowd and the weather couldn't have been more perfect. Before entereing the stadium, we walked through a nearby parking lot full of Dawg Pound tailgaters who where there was much grilling, drinking and general pre-game frolicking. It was a different world. At the stadium, we finally found our seats. Being second row from the top, we were on top of the world and I loved the view; but all the stair-mastering I've been doing didn't even come close to preparing me for the trek up those stadium steps. My calves still ache! Unfortunately, the Browns lost pretty big and most fans had left by the end of the game; but we, along with the die-hards next to us, endured. On the positive side, we had no crowd trouble when leaving and we were able to spot our friend, Chuck, on the field; further proof that he was who he said he was. A quick trip to the gift shop and we headed to the Wydham. Once again, there was a reason for the unfortunate over-booking because we were rewarded with the honeymoon suite at no extra charge, complete with a complimentary cheese tray for our troubles. This room was amazing, being circular with at least 12 big floor-to-ceiling windows surrounding the bed. We were pleased. After showering and changing we dined at the Windsor and decided to spend the remainder of the night in our room. Could have been a lot more romantic if we both weren't so tired and stuffed. We awoke early the next day for a quick trip through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. After a nice lunch at the hotel, we boarded our shuttle and were off to the airport. We arrived home safely at 8:00 last evening and were happily greeted by our dogs. Although we both hate to admit it, we really missed those little creatures. Little bro, Levi, had been our house/dog sitter all weekend and it was amusing how much evidence he left from the apparent party he hosted there. Yeah, it was funny until I discovered someone had drunk all my vodka and most of my Maui. Lathen's beer stash was completely depleted, as well has his Southern Comfort and Crown Royale. I won't even tell you what I found in the bedroom! Squeeze!!!!

I've returned. Even though, and if you close your eyes you can imagine, I have stacks and stacks of files on my desk, I just couldn't really begin reality again until I wrote about my weekend. Lathen and I had an amazing time in Cleveland and I will attempt to jot the highlights. Our flights were uneventful with the exception of being a victim of a random body search. And yes they were quite thorough, but did ask permission for each place they touched me. Not used to that! Upon finally reaching The Wyndham, they regretfully informed us that they had over-booked for the night and would be shipping us off to the Embassy Suites. Disappointment. The Wyndham is a very classy joint and I chose it for that reason. Being, in all actuality, two farm kids, I always want our travels to be "spare-no-expense" type things. On the positive side, we did stay for free at the Embassy Suites and we had a full suite. Really could't complain too loud; especially since the old, rich ladies in front of us, who - heaven forbid - had to endure our same fate, were doing enough bitching for all four of us. We didn't spend too much time in the room. I, once again, donned my sparkly jeans, Lathen spruced up as well, and we headed to The Flats. Cab driver, a Russian whose family is here courtesy of the Green Card Lottery, was very helpful in dropping us off at a suitable location to begin our night of intended debauchery. First stop, Dick's, where the first person we saw was a big, goofy, ray-romano-looking guy seated at the bar who offered, very loudly, to buy us beers in celebration of the victory of Tennessee over Florida State. My first impression of this guy was, "what the hell?". He was loud, obnoxious and, obviously, quite drunk. But free drinks - ok, I'll tolerate. It was my plan to grab the drinks and run, but Lathen, being a friendly guy, immediately began a conversation with, who we later learned to be, Chuck. Chuck claimed to be a writer for The Knoxville something-or-other, in town to cover the Titans/Browns game. I, at first, thought there was no way a guy like this could be gainfully employed, but he had the credentials to prove it. After a few drinks on my part, he ended up being a lot of fun and we spent a couple hours at Dicks yukking it up with Chuck and the hilarious bartenders. I laughed a lot. Then we were off to "The Blind Pig" (ie: Iguana's with a really good band with brass!!!) where we danced and made friends with a few members of the infamous NYFD, and watched in horror as Chuck fell right on his ass into the brass ensemble! We then made a quick departure and headed next door to "The Velvet Dog" (ie: Banana Joe's) for more dancing and witness to Chuck's continued failure to pick up women. Lathen and I danced and danced and danced. We were good! Chuck disappeared. I hoped he found a suitable companion, but odds are against that. As those of you who know me can surely understand, I was soon feeling most ravenous and in need of victuals and we left the dance club, sweating, to begin our search for same. We were directed by a helpful young lad to Panini's for a sandwich. These sandwiches were about 8 inches think (really!) and contained the coleslaw and french fries right there between the bread. How convenient! and my favorite part of the evening - Lathen found some roses and presented them to me. This is a note to myself - readers will not understand this significance. With our buzz still on and our bellies full, we began a leisurely stroll and ended up at The Metropolitan. A classy place where we sat by the window, drank wine and slowly relaxed. After one glass, we returned to our room. Our Saturday was not yet complete, but I will cease in my explanations now. Oh boy. I should return to work, but I haven't even started on Sunday. I will post more later.

Off to the Hockey game tonight and tomorrow... Lathen and I are flying away to Cleveland for the Browns/Titans game and who-knows-what. Spongelessness til Tuesday. Until then...

I entertained once again last night. First, best-friend-Nicole stopped by for what was supposed to be a quick little guitar strumming session, but ended up a much-needed talk about our lives, both past and present. We drank 2 bottles of wine, which always helps in self-disclosure. Later, Tammy, Tracey and Kristal stopped by. We drank some more wine, all but depleted Lathen's beer stash, and did Maui shots, for God's sake! Right on my living room floor. It was great. We laughed a lot, gossiped, bitched and, yes, more self-disclosure. But the hilight of the evening was when Nicole and I played our rendition of "Amazing Grace" on our guitars. What a touching, yet hilarious moment. The general consensus at the end of the night was that this shall now be a weekly event. I say if we stick to that plan, we'll all be better women.

C.Leigh stopped by for a couple hours last night. We drank wine by the big Christmas tree and played a constant game of fetch with Shae. She's addicted to rubber balls. Wouldn't you know, the minute C. left, she laid down to sleep. Sam, that's the other one, sat contentedly with me on the couch pretty much all night. I think he was following the conversation quite nicely. His only addiction may be my underwear. That sounds bad: you know what I mean! I love my dogs.

Last night's post-counseling work-out = sweat and thought. Reality can be a wonderful thing once you understand it. Lathen joined me at counseling last night. We discussed all the important things: jobs, friends, money, TRUST. The interaction between Lathen and I at counseling is amazing. I think couple's therapy should be a law. This is why I will never, ever win a seat in the senate.

So I lied. I had a half turkey sandwich (no mayo) and a salad for lunch. Not cotta-chee and apples, but still quite dietish. God, I hope this doesn't turn into a diet journal!

Happy Thanksgiving. I know it's a few days late. Unfortunately, I only get a chance to sponge at work because I am afraid my computer at home is dying a slow, painful death. My girlfriend, Cami, will be visiting at the end of December and has promised to assist me in my next big purchase - a laptop! I may be able to write a bit, but my knowlege of computers and the functions and abilities of online publishing is nil. Cami has also been working on her novel and, I have to admit, has inspired me to do the same. I have always wanted to do that. Of course, I'll keep you posted. In other news, I have spent the past 4 days forming a close, personal relationship with my couch. With the exception of Sunday, when Lathen and I raked the yard, put lights on our house, bought the most beautiful (i think so anyway) pine tree, and decorated same, there has been nothing but relaxation and food for this body. On the positive side, I feel totally refreshed, anew and, yes, full of holiday spirit. Negatively, I have an additional 5 pounds to lose. As I have said so many times in the past, diet starts today. My plan: I will work out for 1 hour every night and eat nothing but cottage cheese and apples. HA!

I love going to counseling. Last night our discussions took on the form of my attractions and my dreams. (babies don't always mean babies). My counselor, I'll call her Jan, seems to think my personality may sometimes jade my view of reality. She can say that because she is the same type. I can just feel myself growing each time I step out of a session. We're working towards reality. In a way, I hopes I ne'er arrive.

Feeling like myself today, for a change. I spent a quality evening last night (after the fiasco that was my eye dr. appointment) at home, laundering, dishing and, finally, relaxing in a candlelight bubble bath, complete with white zin, of course. Nothin better. I actually received two telephone calls, each from a pretty important friend in my life right now, talking about nothing really. Lathen was home early (11:30) and I was able to enjoy falling asleep with another human in the house. It's amazing, really, those little, normal things. I probably wouldn't enjoy them so much if they were typical for me.

I've written a bit recently about my weekend escapades at Sidetrack. Just discovered their webpage. I'm thrilled!

The Stages of Know

From doubt ???
of what you're getting
what you want
what you need
and especially the doubt of what you know

From imagining ...
you're someone else
somewhere else
better off than ever before
but heading where you dare not go

From fear +++
what if you're right?
what if you're wrong?
the road my dead end
can you find your way home?

From truth ---
simply this
you may
never know

From pain xxx
a feeling that
stretches down your insides
sometimes snapping back
only to be pulled down again
a slow, warm sensation

From comfort ~~~
the feeling once that pulling and stretching ends
your body awash with new ideals
new goals
new hope

From yourself !
What
You
Have
Is
What
You
Need

Check out Molly.Com. But what's in a name, anyway?

Drinks last night with C.Leigh. Gave perspective where perspective was needed. That, coupled with two counseling sessions in the past week, and my lastest literary conquest, reinforces my theory that I must continue to seek understanding and, most importantly, acceptance, of my thoughts, and especially, my feelings. I'll get there.

Reality as it is becomes the right view of the meditator. Thinking of it as it is becomes the right thought. Awareness of it as it is becomes the right awareness. Concentration on it as it is becomes the right concentration. Actions of the body and speech are then aligned to reality as it is. In this way the meditator develops and is fulfilled.
-Majjhima Nikaya
From "Buddha Speaks," edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston

Next goal: master meditation

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature."
-Sigmund Freud

Some think Freud a bit foolish. I think not.

A bit internal, I am. Lots of thoughts. Too many that writing about them seems insufficient. Also, my mind's images are absolutely dazed, but things are becoming clearer. To get myself away for a bit, I will make my very own specialized list of things that make me, Mollie, happy. This will not be forwarded to anyone as an instruction on life. This is my own.

Bettering myself (learning something new)
Being smiled at (people forget to smile)
When someone laughs (because of me)
When someone thinks (because of me)
Eating (unfortunately, this is right near the top, isn't it)
Drinking (sorry)
A tidy house (makes for more coziness)
When my cat touches my face with his paw (how does he know when to do that?)
Joyce & Paul (heard it all a million times, but I'll never tire)
Singing with Joyce & Paul (3 minutes of fame)
When Chelsie sings (my niece - nothing like a little girl's voice. She's always on tune)
When my grandma laughs so hard she cries (with her, it's an art)
Being alone with my mom (never happens)
Girl talk (it's a survival instinct, we're born with it)
New places (even if it is simply a street or road I've never been on)
Holding hands (hands were made to be held together - look at them!)
A good kiss (the ones you feel in your toes)
Hugs (big, strong ones)
Being touched (softly, anywhere)
A good book (talk about getting away for awhile)
Archy McNally (If he were real, he'd be mine)
Looking forward (can't wait to see what happens)
Reminiscing (can't let go of the past)
Photos (I admit, I like the ones with me in them)
Growing up (there's lots of good that comes with that, you know)
My siblings (how come they're so together when it seems I'm so often falling apart?)
Finishing a project (Completion!)

to be continued.....

Drink by Drink. Thoughts from Barrymores.....

Alone with my white zin. Man, that sounds like the pathetic mantra of a blissful alcoholic. The fact is this. I'm sad. Yes, I do feel like a pathetic, yet blissful alcoholic. Nice sentence. My creativivity has all but vanished and I'm blaming it on work. So tonight is not merely an excuse to cry in my drink, but also a celebration of sorts. I'm through with the crazy work-your-ass-off-to-get-caught-up routine that has encumpassed the past month and a half of my life. Now, its back to normal... I hope. Also, and did I mention, I'm blue. It may be because, once again my seasons are changing. I look at what I have and it doesn't seem like anything belongs to me. I often fail to understand that I'm a 27 year old woman, not a child. But I feel so much like a child. I want my dad. I want to hear his laughter, I want to feel his big, strong arms around me, I want to hear him say he loves me. If I could only have these things one more time, maybe I could leave this childhood behind and become an adult. But childhood is where he left me and I may be doomed to stay here. Until I find some way out, that is. I apologize, but these words are flowing as freely as the glasses of white zin that I plan on retrieving from my sweet waitress. And frankly, if I don't spill my heart in some way tonight, I may not make it. Yes, these words seem drastic, but you don't understand this brain of mine. So completely full of so much love and creativity. Creativity looking for an outlet and love looking for a vessel. 1st glass done. ***So I'm working out earlier tonight and and I could find nothing better to watch on TV than the Country Music Award show. Not good in my condition. Everything! Everything is a painful memory. Special guest - George Jones. Makes me think of Grandpa Gregory. Perhaps the closest thing to a human angel as I ever knew. His death was witnessed by all who loved him and as he lay dying in his bed, I also watched grandma as she witnessed his quietus. They were like salt and pepper, those two. A pair. He should still be here. I like to think everything happens for a reason and there is a positive effect from even the most drastic of tragedies. I still believe this. But his death continues to baffle me. The only good thing it caused was for me to see Jason (my then fiance) in his true colors. Where was he while I watched my grandad die? I think that was the night he was having a threesome somewhere. But it's my fault. After all, I had been too depressed to have sex with him myself. I guess that makes it ok for him. Now that was shitty, but what good came from it? I am now a stronger, bitchier woman. Comes in handy. Sometimes. Who was it that said "sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to". Second glass done. ***I picked up some pictures tonight; taken a month ago at Sidetrack. There's one of me and my friend Jen and who happens to accidently be passing through right behind me but a certain man, who will remain nameless, - the victim of a one-night-stand with yours truly about 5 years ago. Long and short, we met at Sidetrack, left together, made out in some alley before somehow driving back to his place for the usual fun stuff. Morning after. I gave him a fake number. Wonder if he remembers. He was nice. Honestly, I always meet nice guys. It just goes to show, "birds of a feather...". I don't know how I met Jason. Maybe the old adage "Fuckin' assholes need love, too" comes into play here. Or better yet, "insecure bitches get screwed". Ok, I made those up. Can you tell? I'm done with my 3rd glass. *** I've always said I have a 3 drink max. Where the hell is my waitress? The bar is getting more crowded. No one I know. No one seems to notice me; a damp-haired blonde scribbling maddly in this here journal, praying for another drink, oh, and a cigarette would be nice, too. Where is she?! Man I needed this. I think it's just one big squeeze. Oh, and now Dave Mathews is singing. Yes, to me. Must be off his new CD, the one I don't have. I told Lathen if I ever had a chance with Dave, I was going for it. Don't care if I'm married or whatever! To bad we couldn't have that agreement more often. I'd love freedom like that once in awhile. I'm sure he would, too, but no way in hell I'd let him have it. Double standard? Yes. My waitress is packing my cigarettes for me. She's cool. Big tip. Ok, what glass am I on oh yeah 4th done. ** Ist drag ** I'm not a smoker. But sometimes. And yes, sometimes I miss that pot. "It really enhances sex" I always used to say. You can thank Josh for that. He was my three month one-night-stand (his words) about 4 years ago. First orgasm with a man present, thank you.. He makes my happy list. And if I listed everyone, you'd be astounded. But now I love Lathen. Love him. He loves me, too. So much that sometimes, it scares me. He's my cowboy. Morals, personality, tall, dark, handsome, big penis. Too bad I rarely see him. To bad I've disappointed him so many times. Oh. and now they play George Michael!? At this point, I'm drunk. Thank God I'm alone. If anyone were sitting her with me, they'd be hearing all this through loud, slurred speach instead of reading it days later. and who knows what else. Oh well. I'm actually starting to feel better. I feel like singing a sad song. I used to write songs, you know. They're all in a trunk somewhere. Some of them aren't too bad. Sometime I'll share them with you. 4th glass done ***Time out for a cigarette. Some nice boy just asked me if I wanted to join him and his friends at their table. I politely refused. Nice of him to ask though. Well, I've been writing and drinking for 2 hours now. It's 11:00. I think I'll stop now, before I say any more. I'll leave you with this pathetic poem...

I am this and this is me
I may not be what I want to be

but when I'm not, what can I do
but take some time to be blue

for when I'm blue, my soul revives
it conjures up what's deep inside

I let it out, take comfort in
what's done is done
from here, begin

~Written on the spot for me by me~

Oh brother!!!

You know, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to buy a house was to have company over. Last night, I was lucky enough to spend time with a couple friends at home. First, my friend, Mary, stopped by with her beautiful, 16 month old daughter, Emily. We were roommates once way back when. She has since married and moved away to Kansas, but our friendship has endured. In true Mary fashion, she brought some chocolate chip cookies. I just started a diet again, but cookies made by good friends are totally fat and calorie free (did you know that?). It was so nice seeing her again, and her daughter, who brilliantly amused herself in my toyless and not-so-childproof house by playing with my ivory elephants. Kids come up with the most inventive games, don't they? Later, another, newer, friend, Stacey Stopped by to see the place. We spent a couple hours on a bottle of White Merlot and the perils of life, love, etc. So nice. I should have these get-togethers more often. By the way... Happy Halloween! I'm still trying to figure out if I should dress up tonight, or simply don my sparkly jeans again and call it good. Sometimes, I lack imagination, or is it energy I lack?

Working through lunch... again! I'm listening to the beautiful sound of popcorn popping in the microwave (lunch) and have tuned my office television into whatever soap opera is on channel 10 (it's my one and only channel). I guess the theory of working through lunch is actually working, but heck; I desperately need to catch up with my sponging. I feel so incomplete. So I will once again attempt to catch up from last time. . .

My Wednesday night drink with C.Leigh proved just as fulfilling as all our other get-togethers. After meeting her cat, Milly Grace, we set off for Yai-Yai's and scored a great window seat. Her and I seem to be on the same wavelength, even though we have come from two totally different worlds; me; the small-town, farm girl and her, the big-city daughter of prestige and influence. Needless, I enjoy her company and what she stands for. **Thursday I attended my little brother's last high-school football game... ever!! It was so sad! Not only because I will never again watch a sibling play a high-school sport, but also, they lost. I remember my very last high school basketball game. We made it to state and lost first round. For some reason, I was secretly happy we were done. ***Friday... Let's just say I partied in my new sparkly jeans and call it good. ***Saturday, my body required two things, sleep and food. I attended to myself very well, thank you. I did rise long enough to roadtrip to Syracuse to visit my brother at his new house. I didn't stay long, but was energized enough to, upon returning home, paint my kitchen. Oh, it's lovely! Sunday, after a small spat with my boyfriend, about what, you really don't want to know, we again took a trip to Syracuse where my mother, brother and (soon-to-be) sister-in-law, were happily cleaing and painting the "new house". Lathen and I assisted only during lunch break, but, believe me, if it weren't for us, there would be way too much homemade soup and cookies left and wasted. It felt good to do my part. But perhaps the highlight of the day was our trip to the grocery store. Once we got to the alcohol aisle, we decided we needed to re-stock and proceeded to buy our fair share of wine (5 bottles), vodka, tequila and scotch. You know, the staples. As you can probably guess, once home, Lathen fixed for me a vodka tonic and for himself a margarita. That and a good cuddle in our big chair brought us happily together again, our morning spat forgotten. And later, you guessed it! So I guess I had the makings of a perfect weekend - food, family, alcohol, sparkly jeans and sex. What more!?

This is my horoscope for today; and man, is it true.

The day ahead should be excellent, Mollie. For the past several days, you've been searching for a meaning in what befalls you in life. There have been changes in your chief occupation, new relationships, bursting ambitions... Today, you can let all of that soul searching go. Instead, you're likely to whip up a huge mixture of the whole experience and be grateful for the thrilling life you are leading right now!

And I'm off tonight to meet C.Leigh and her cat, Milly, and drink some White Zin.... I think I deserve that as I absorb the gratefulness for my thrilling life and squeeze my soul searching (at least for tonight).

I have decided to dedicate the last half hour of my work day to my beloved Brainsponge. To make a long, boring explanation short, I have been given over 300 new files at work; thus my lack of brainsponging during the day. At night, I cannot bear to sit at my amazingly slow computer and wait 20 minutes while it logs on. Good news is this - big raise for me. I guess I cannot complain to much then, can I. After all I'm not getting paid to sit here and sponge; just the priceless satisfaction knowing my thoughts are in written form forever. Evidence.

I will start with elaborations from my lists. Ah, yes...the little green squares. No, I wasn't invated by cubical martians. You see, I seem to think my house mustn't look like other houses. Therefore, I am constantly looking for creative little touches, here and there. For my bathroom, which was previously a solid green, yes walls and tile alike, I decided to create a yellow ("sawdust" if you will) wall with little green squares. To do this, I applied squares of masking tape here and there and painted the yellow, or "sawdust" over them. Needless to say, when I began the task of removing these squares, the paint seemed to come with it. Oh, it was different, yes, but not exactly the look I was going for. My walls are now solid sawdust. Don't worry. I'll think of something else to do on them. When Lathen came home to see my little green "squares" his response was in the most serious of tones, "I like the bathroom walls, Mollie". I detected a small smirk. Alas. I love him for that. Why? He is a perfectionist and I'm sure this sight on the walls of the bathroom, (he loved the green), in our brand new house (which I'm slowly creating into whatever I please, believe me) made him question a few things about this "whackjob" (his word) he chose to be with. me. Oh, but he took it all so well. But he really did, honestly and for real, love what I did in our hall. Dragonflies. So, he lets me do as I please, when I'm sure sometimes he wants to tell me to 'stop it!' That's one reason to love him. Another. Simply this. I drink too much White Zin. I "forget" to tell him things. He finds out. He understands and responds thusly, "You can tell me anything, Mollie. I'm a reasonable man". When he said that, I really heard it. It made me really appreciate the man he is. Can you believe it is now 5:00. I'd continue, but I really need to leave this little office. No promises when I'll continue, but rest assured I will...

PLEASE EXCUSE THAT LAST POST. MY GOD! I TRIED TO DO SOMETHING BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I DID IT WRONG. I'LL BE BAAAACK...

Another inspiration from Cami. Her latest manuscript conquest:

Thursday, October 18

More topics to elaborate on later. Hey, I've been busy:

Painting my bathroom. Ask me about little green squares. squeeze. and dragonflys. absorb.

Why I love Lathen. big absorb. He's a reasonable man. That and many other things.

The dangers of too much White Zin.

My run in with Indian food. squeeze.

Why I'm NOT snotty. squeeze.

Until later...

I'm stealing this list from cami. A list of chapters from her latest manuscropt conquest -
Last night. Bought paint and curtains for my bathroom and bedroom. They're still in my car. Fascinating.

I'm tired... and stressed.

Wow. I didn't realize it had been five days since I lasted blogged. I guess I should try to catch up. It seems as if I'm having less and less time to myself lately...

I did enjoy some abandoned forms of amusement Thursday night when I subbed for a friend's co-ed volleyball team. I haven't played co-ed for about 5 years. I really enjoyed it, considering the net is quite a bit higher than the women's net. I ended up serving underhand most of the night, because I was a bit inconsistent with my overhand serves. Bored with that? Ok, moving on.... Friday I once again Bunco'ed, only this time I was the big loser and came away with the boobie prize. The stars were unaligned..... Afterwards, I was lucky enough to share some one-on-one quality time with a friend and the catching up did me good.

Saturday it was back to the drunken downtown scene for the football game. I met my dear high-school friend, Nicole, at Sidetrack to watch the game, cleverly steering clear of the $10 parking scams so I could save that money for drinking. I was uncharacteristically fed up by midnightish and headed home. Now for the sad news... Upon returning home, I searched for my kitten, Scotch, who had been ill all day, finding him laying in the basement on the laundry-room rug. I picked him up and noticed he felt very cold. Wrapping him in a towel, I layed down on the couch with him and a blanket in an attempt to warm his little body. Every once in awhile, he made the saddest little sounds. Eventually, he began convulsing. I thought he was going to throw up, but all of a sudden he was still, eyes open, and quite gone from this world. I was heartbroken at the sight of my little kitten lying dead on my couch. I had only had him for three weeks, but I did care a lot about him. My pets are like children to me. I called Lathen at Ameristar but was told he was down in the storeroom. I asked that they give him a message to call home. He called within 10 minutes and I was at least able to talk to somebody. I didn't know what to do. Lathen told me to find a shoebox for him and put him in the garage. I found a shoebox, but wasn't comfortable putting him in the garage yet. I had been to a catholic funeral once where they used incense to help the spirit leave this world and enter the next. Feeling like I should do something, I placed the shoebox on the floor in the living room and lit some incense next to it. You may think I'm crazy, but I believe all life is precious and death should be respected. Maybe it was my way of coping. All I know is that I was more comfortable dealing with it this way. Lathen came home, put me to bed and put Scotch in the garage. The next day, we buried him in our garden. I made a cross from some old scraps of wood and attached a rose from the bush in our back yard. Scotch now has a proper resting place, and I feel better about that.

So tonight, I have just returned home from my first guitar class with Nicole, followed by a drink at Sandy's. The class was good. I really do get the method of the fingering, etc., but the actual act of finger placement and movement is going to be tricky. It isn't the most natural position for my fingers, you know, with those pesky, stiff bones in them. The have to be stretched and curled so much! All of us beginners had to laugh at ourselves as we attempted to place fingers 1 and 3 on fret 5 with finger 2 on fret 4, without forgetting the base chord and correct strum time signature. I once again have homework. Next week, we all have to play an assigned piece using at least three chords. It'll take some practice, but I'm up for it.

Well, goodnight for now. I hope to get back on a regular blogging schedule, but with all the new work I have, as well as this guitar class... one never knows, do one?

Dear Mollie,
Your inner child surfaces in full flower today, Mollie. Memories of good times in the past bring out your playful side, and you might want to try out forms of amusement that you once enjoyed, but have long since abandoned. . . . You can always face reality tomorrow. - Oh yeah!

My weekend was full of feelings and I've neither squeezed nor absorbed as of yet. Friday night was spent with my family at Levi's football game and, later, at a surprise celebration for my sister, Monti's, 30 birthday. It seems like only yesterday when she was painting my fingernails and, with her friends, using my face as their canvas as they practiced the art of make-up application. I always hated it when they did that, but I guess I learned at a young age that "beauty is pain". Anyway, she is now married with two really neat kids. Makes me wonder why the hell I'm so far behind... or am I? I don't have the family yet, but I'd bet the ant farm that I have more life experiences by far. Sometimes I'm amazed by the fact that I don't have some sort of family as the result of any number of sinful and spontaneous nights. The infertility Gods are surely prominent in my life. Which brings me to another realization. I've been thinking and talking about this child-bearing thing a lot lately. And my dreams have been trickled with images of my offspring. The latest dream being of me holding a beautiful, chubby baby boy with lots of dark hair, big, blue eyes. . . and a broken arm. He seemed happy, though. I think I may be beginning to hear the faint murmer of my biological clock going tick, tick, tick. Alas. Moving on to Saturday. I awoke feeling a bit sick to my stomach. Ironic? That soon passed and, noticing the gorgeous weather, opened every window in the house (I love that!) and was overcome by feelings of domestic energy and made dinner, did laundry, washed dishes, and basically twiddled around the house in an embarassingly happy state, considering what I was doing. Lathen did manly things such as lounge in "his chair", watch football and fold the clean clothes I was constantly throwing on him from the dryer. He's really good with the towels! It was a cozy day but the coziness ended about 5 when he was off to work, and I prepared for an evening out. I drank a few Malibu/Cokes, curled my hair, dressed and headed to Sidetrack Tavern for a 3-band benefit for Red Cross. My cousin's band (The Ten Cent Pistols) opened. They play an interesting mixture of punk and old-school country. I drank heavily and quite enjoyed myself with my aunt Kat, cousin Christie, her boyfriend, DJ, and friends Tom and Kim. Later, a friend from school, Stacy, met me there and, after the Pistols finished, we went to Woody's and Sandy's for a few more cocktails. What happened after the bars closed is consequential only to me and will definitely be absorbed. I was still quite drunk when Lathen came home and, after we briefed each other of our nights, sleep came quickly, at least for me. Sunday, we lunched at Brewsky's and finally began working on the chain link fence in our back yard. Lathen is going to build it himself and I'm happy to predicte that it should be done this week. In the life of two procrastinators, a finished fence is an exciting thing.

I believe I may be caught up now. I will definately need to share the latest happenings in my professional life, but that can wait. I hope the suspense does not kill you.

I'll start with a squeeze. My friend Nicole and I have been dealing with our upcoming 10-year class reunion. In our hometown, it is the tradition that the 10-year class host the annual Alumni Banquet with the class president being in charge. My sister, being her class president, insisted that we start as early as we can because it takes practically all year to plan. Well, things aren't going so smoothly.  Leave it to our class to have a total misunderstanding about this. Nicole and I chatted on the phone about this last night. I just love re-living these old high school spats. It's so funny!

Spent the weekend playing Softball in Fairbury. The town holds dear childhood memories for me from when I used to visit my grandma and granddad. Anyway, I was down there with family on what had to be the most picturesque day, walking along the brick streets of the town square, checking out the flea market, cheering for the parade with leaves blowing and flags upon flags upon flags blowing in the most perfect wind. In light of the recent happenings, I felt as if nothing could ever go wrong in the home of the Jeffs and Fairbury Brand hotdogs. It was true small town right down to the Saloon where we spent most of the evening. Yes, the word "Saloon" was actually painted on the building. Lathen and I immediately made many friends at the bar, including owner, Mr. Tooley, and Lathen was content there with his NFL games on TV, pack and a half of Marlboro reds, endless supply of So-Co, and bookie sheet on the bar in front of him, even when I left with my Aunt Kat to talk and walk slowly through the antique shops. Our conversation turned to, what else, but fate, and I'd like to share a quote from her... "Thanks to fate, nothing you do is wrong". I liked that. Maybe because it rectified the guilt of my endless list of wrong-doings; most of which I've quite enjoyed. absorb.. with limitations.

Went to the highly anticipated Snoop Dogg concert last night. I've been a long-time fan. Something about his smooth voice draws me to his music, not necessarily the lyrics. He and his "dog pound" were very interesting to watch. This was perhaps the only place and time where I, along with many other people of all races, were required to scream out "fuck you nigga". The overall concert demeanor surprised me. No tragedies. You better recognize!

In tribute to all that happens and and happens not. I'll absorb.

"Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that." -D. H. Lawrence

Ok... moving on with my life, I will attempt to bring you up-to-date on my weekend because life really is still going on. Friday night I went to my brother's football game. I felt very much a patriot as I sat in the stadium, ate a hot dog and cheered like you wouldn't believe. Ah, Americana. Saturday, Lathen took the night off and we had a nice night out, stopping in at Sandy's and Rogues for cocktails. It was so nice being out on a Saturday with my boyfriend. A rarity. I'm starting to realize just how important it is to spend time with the special people in my life. I'm really missing a lot of people right now.

So now it's been a week since the bombings. It is still very much on everyone's minds and it seems a constant flow of emails have kept most people in a sense of unity. However, I can't help but feel that we, as Americans, do not fully understand the cause of these attacks. My anger has subsided and I am now concerned by the fact that we have had almost no education on the differences between the middle eastern countries and the evil cults that reside there. I'm bothered that we relate them to each other, when there are most likely many, many good and innocent people stuck in those countries, adhering to peace-loving religions who have been praying for an end to the evil that has lingered there for years. To punish them, to me, seems no different than if I were punished and defined by the many evil cults that reside here. I know, my generalities are severe. Believe me, I will not forget what happened to us and I hate whoever is responsible. But I simply do not want to lose sight of the whole picture. I hope we are able to pick the fleas out of the furr without destroying the dog.

I feel both humbled and proud by all the amazing words of inspiration that, it seems, everyone in America has been sending out since Tuesday. It's amazing how calm I feel. I'm not scared in the least and, quite to the contrary, am feeling a strange sense of confidence that I haven't felt in quite some time. Looking back over my recent blogs, I've become aware I had been feeling a sense of depression and helplessness that I couldn't place my finger on and those feelings have since disappeared. I now feel strong and capable and I have this amazing sense of Faith in the good forces of the world. I just know good will conquer evil, and if it doesn't, quite frankly, I'd rather not be around anymore.

So I tried to relax and think good thoughts last night. I listened to my calm down music and felt much better. I have faith we will all be much better in the end with a renewed respect in America, civilization, spirituality and life will surely be enhanced. absorb.

Click here to read a NYC blogger's account of Tuesday's events. He was there.. with a camera. A long read, but worth it, expecially with the photos. Be sure to view the final two pictures... touching. absorb.

I awoke today, desperately wishing that everything would be back to normal, but realizing that it perhaps may never be. Strangly, I fear that some of my most core beliefs have changed overnight. For instance, I used to be opposed to war, but now I'm not. I now understand that sometimes we have to fight for things and maybe some people need to be destroyed in order for good to remain. I hate it that I feel this way. Sadly, too, I now feel a prejudice toward middle-easterners. I'm not proud of this and will work very hard not to let this mind-set stay with me. These feelings stem from CNN video I saw last night showing scenes of Palestinian celebration after learning of the terrorists' successful wrath. In particular, an old lady was jumping, clapping, smiling and cheering at the news. If her reaction is that of a whole population, I can't say I have any human respect for them. Right now, I can honestly say that their souls are less than those of the grasshoppers that have been destroying my tomatoes. What sort of reality are they living in, and how can it differ so from mine? Isn't that the age-old question, though? At that point in my viewing displeasure, I headed out for a much needed walk and, upon returning home, tuned in to the ongoing TV coverage for a short time, getting more depressed by the minute. It was when I viewed the footage of the poor, desperate souls falling from the burning building that I had had enough. For sanity's sake, I drank a large glass of rum and coke, called my mom, took a bubble bath, and began to search for viewing alternatives. Luckily, it was Three's Company night on "Nick at Night", so I escaped to some "unreality" for awhile, watching at least 4 episodes before nodding off. Lathen returned from work about 3 a.m. and we spent a couple hours lying in bed talking. He had a patron at the bar who had left Boston this morning 20 minutes before the first doomed aircraft took off. He was drinking straight scotch. He mentioned what a gorgeous day it was and how, as they flew over NYC, he had mentioned to the man sitting next to him how beautiful the Trade Center towers looked as the sun shone off them. What were once these beautiful buildings glowing in the morning sun, are now merely tje ugly, deadly heaps left in an aftermath of deliberate violence. How's that for bittersweetness? Folks, I could literally write for hours on this subject, but I suppose I should attempt to get some work done. I'll leave you with a simple quote from the lapel pin I'm wearing today... "Keep Believing".

"Life is too short for cheap wine" and I really need a drink. I've been sitting at work today, listening to constant radio broadcasts updating of the tragedies that have consumed our country today. It's 3:00. I am living through what has been claimed as the worst terroristic attack on the United States. It's unfathomable to me, safely snuggled here in the heartland, what the people of New York City and Washington DC must be going through. I heard reports of some lady losing her baby in the rubble and some have actually witnessed innocent lives plunging to their death from the flame-engulfed World Trade Center Towers, 110 stories of American Sybolicism, which then crumbled to the ground, destroying who-knows-what on the way; the skyscape forever changed. As I sit here with with a pit that has burrowed itself into my tum, I, in my own special way, am searching desperately for the why?! in all this. I am once again deeply distraught that I share a planet with terrorists. They have really never seemed real. But does not this type of thing happen every day in some war-torn countries? I have always believed that there is a reason for everything and most things.. most.. ultimately cause some positive.. for someone.. somewhere. But now is not the time to look for it. Even though I know of no one, personally, who was directly involved in this tragedy, I feel a need to mourn. For the first time in my life, I feel very connected to my fellow Americans. In a sense, we're all thinking of each other today. Maybe that's at least something positive. I feel I've lost innocence today. PS: The President just landed in Omaha.

The World Trade Centers have been hit by commercial airlines. The Pentagon is on fire. No one knows who or why, but America is being attacked by something. I feel like crying.

Domesticated last night. Made apple crisp and salsa. Not necessarily to be eaten together.

Back to the ol' roller coaster. My life. It seems that if only I could put some sort of barrier between my head and my heart, I'd be ok. Cold and unfeeling, but ok. Nah, I kind of like how I am, except lately my moods have seemed a bit unpredictable. I guess I should catch up from last Thursday... Friday was typical. I once again played Bunco and left the party with the top prize. Who knew my hidden talent was rolling dice?! The best part of the night, however, was the big thunderstorm! I love those. absorb. Saturday, Lathen and I rose and shone at 8:30 to join all the die-hard Husker fans (of which we are not the "die hard" but just the ordinary variety) at the stadium for a live broadcast of an ESPN Sports something-or-other. We even donned red attire for the occassion. And, yes, the University of Nebraska did break the college attendance record. I guess that was the goal. Lathen worked from 12 to 12, leaving me with no other option than to, you know, go out with my friends and drink before, during and after the Nebraska/Notre Dame Game here in town. It was a very exciting day. As I walked to Barry's to meet my friends, the traffic was so that for a split second I was reminded of the streets of NYC. Then I realized that the streets I was walking on were actually garbage-free and I could feel the sun on my face as opposed to the shadow of a skyscraper. Regardless of the excitement, however, I drove home in sadness, realizing that I was not really as happy as I must have appeared to all the drunken people I was around that night. I recognized right then that by spending every weekend this way I was doing more harm than good. As I have said on numerous occasions - I'm not 22 anymore. Gone are the days of singledom and that's good. Please don't get me wrong, I'm all for the occasional drunkfest, but I'm burnt out. If I'm to continue with this pasttime, I at least want my partner to be there with me, to hold me up as I stumble down the street, or vice versa. I miss Lathen on these nights. The fact that he's not there but always working is getting harder for me as I wish for a more meaningful life. Luckily, and as if the universe heard my cries, Lathen walked through the door within minutes of my arriving home; and after a long heart-to-heart, I slept more a bit more content than I expected. Sunday turned out to be another ride on the emotional choo-choo for me. We took the dogs to my mom's farm to run and, sitting on the deck I.., well, I quite simply burst into tears. And when my mom sat beside me and asked what was wrong, all I could reply was "I don't know". She figured it was hormones. Maybe she's right. My brother and sister (and their signifs) also witnessed this scene. Don't worry about them, though, they've grown to appreciate all my moods; and I think they still kind of like me most of the time. I've always been the proverbial "sensitive child". I was ok after I ate lunch. Hmmmmm. So... to make a long weekend short, I was in and out of sanity.. I laughed, I cried, but you better believe I survived.

You'll be happy to know that I started in on my walking practice again last night, walking 3.5 miles. Hey, it's a start. I walked down to Linens 'n Things to check out their curtains. (I'm really needing to practice the proverbial "out with the old, in with the new" philosophy in my new house!) Unfortunately for me, I not only found THE perfect curtains, but also several other household necessities that I simply MUST have. My God! I'm starting to sound like a girl! Luckily, I had no money on me (I was on a walk!) so they'll have to wait. I sashayed home with my head full of all the endless, decorating possibilities I could achieve if I only had the time and money. This mortgage thing is seriously limiting my monthly coinage glut! I'm thinking of taking a second job. You know, just in case I ever need to buy a new shirt or something! At the time, I thought putting all my money in investments was a good idea. Ah, the perils of diversified portfolios and their damn 5 year waiting period! I really don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to money and investments. I just know I have some, locked away for 5 years! I just like saying diversified portfolios. It just rolls of the tongue, wouldn't you say?

I now feel semi-completely (huh?) over my "bad patch" and ready to be Me again after a night spent tending to my house and yard. I did all the fun things... watered the garden, picked tomatoes, weeded the plants around my big tree. Then, to top off the night, I did dishes and laundry. All that and I refrained from even one glass of wine! I have to say it was pretty therapeutic. I even spent some time cleaning out the garage! But once I did settle down on my big couch, I spent some time dreaming and planning for my future goals. The one thing that is most clear right now is the fact that I have to begin some type of personal enrichment. I'm simply not content going to work every day and coming home every night just to sleep and repeat the same thing the next day. Quite frankly, and although I really do enjoy my job, it isn't enough. I need more in my life for it to be truly fulfilling. This, again, may be another reason for my recent blahs.

So now the elevator-fixers are at it again in the hallway, making a lot of noise. It is very important to have elevators that are fixed, as opposed to not fixed. I shall continue later...

So I still haven't figured out what, exactly, has been bothering me, but I am happy to report that I am feeling much more at peace. The whole reason I started Brainsponge (refer to entry no. 1) was to help myself squeeze out the negative feelings in my life that don't belong to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I still tend to absorb all the wrong energy from people and my recent "to-myself" feelings may be the result. I've been doing some reading on psychic energies and have discovered the term "psychic vampire". This term refers to those who unknowingly zap your energy and leave you feeling exhausted and drained. Well, I have figured out that I am either a victim or suspect of this behavior, but I can't figure out which. In one of my low points last weekend, I wrote this poem. Reading it now, it seems a bit "boo-hoo, feel sorry for me", but that really wasn't my intention. I guess I was feeling robbed of something and completely desperate to lift the shroud of doom that blanketed my soul at the time. What do you think...

ODE TO MY SOUL
part i
I've searched to find my own good worth
Once found, I opened to share
Only to be robbed by the void and the blind
For my good soul - not a care

By God, I'll live my life with meaning!
Just as soon as I know what it is
Until that day when the meaning is clear
Something, always, amiss

So I'll long to ease my discomfort
I'll continue to feel unequipped
For it comes and goes like the seasons
Inside, o inside, i'm ripped

Go on, take what you will from me
Nothing? Something? All?
I've tried, but can't make perfection
I'm exhaused, enlightened, appalled.

There has been something bothering me for the past few days. I closed my eyes in silence and tried to place my finger on it the other night, but couldn't. I feel unequipped to place it right now. I think something very important is happening inside me. I think it may be, like the seasons, I'm changing again.

I've been feeling a little "to-myself" lately and yesterday didn't help. Lathen and I went to the funeral of a good friend's mother who was tragically killed in a car accident last weekend. I'd only met her once, but before I knew Lathen, he had spent a lot of time with this family. It was a catholic service and I was surprised to find myself really getting a lot out of the sermon, as I have chosen not to adhere to one, specific religion. However, the Priest's thoughts on death were identical to my own. Generally, his message conveyed that death is not goodbye, but a "see ya later". He went on to speak of things such as this place (earth) not being where we're really supposed to be, but simply a vessel taking us to our ultimate destination... Believe what you may, but I have always held this as my faith and have searched continuously throughout my life for little inspirations to remind myself of this. I left the service feeling oddly renewed. I felt a little guilty feeling as I did surrounded by the obvious mourners. It may be, though, that I have grown imune to funerals, having gone to far too many during my youth. That sounds cold, but I'm really not an unfeeling person. I've just felt it all and maybe I'm used to emotional pain.

After the service, we attended the usual feed-your-face-and-forget-your-pain reception in the church basement. There were a lot of friends there that we haven't seen for months, so it was nice to see most of them. I say most because I have found that in this group of people (of which I am not really a "member", only through Lathen) I feel a certain sense of uncomfortableness around a certain few. It seems it takes far too much of my energy to include myself and I end up feeling extremely drained and getting nothing out of the interaction. It seems pointless, superficial and a complete waste of my time and energy, but, I guess, something I have to deal with from time to time. Honestly, I would rather sit outside their circle and simply watch and listen than be a part of it. This, typically, is very unlike me. It's very hard to explain, maybe someday I'll write more about it.

Then it was off to work for the remainder of the afternoon. When I came home, Lathen was still a bit bummed out and we sat in our beautiful back yard, me drinking rum and coke and he, beer, and discussed life and death. That is, until the telephone rang and we were invited back to our friend's house, a post-funeral get together I guess you would call it. This time, a drink-beer-to-forget-your-problems type of thing. I chose not to drink and (you guessed it) became extremely annoyed by about 9:00. I left, went home, and was never so happy to just be by myself. I tell ya, I was emotionally drained. Lathen ended up crashing on their couch and is still, as far as I know, passed out there. I think he had fun. Sometimes I think we couldn't be more different. squabsorbeeze.

Today... I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a really huge mountain looking up. I can see the top, I know what's up there, I know how to get there, and I long to be there, but I know I won't get there by sundown. I probably won't even be there by sundown... next year! It's going to take a long time and I will most definately have to push my way through some rough terrain. I'm so anxious! I feel like one of those little spoiled brat kids (you know the type, you've seen them at the supermarket). I want what I want... Right Now!!! I want to throw a tantrum! The only difference between me and the aforesaid little brat is that I know a tantrum won't get me up that mountain. It'll just wear me out and take a few miles of today's journey. I know none of this really makes sense since I haven't explained my goals. I'm wary of putting those goals down in print just in case they don't happen. Then I'll feel like I've failed. (my self-confidence has called in sick for the day). squeeze.

The weekend continued on in a drinking fashion. I spent Saturday at my mom's watching the big football game with my family. I thereafter went downtown with some friends with the sole purpose of drinking. ( I sometimes think I may have a problem ). Alas! I love going out at this time of year and where better to go than downtown? That's where everyone else is. We dangerously started at 6:00; destination: everywhere. One of my friends just got off probation and had never been downtown before, so why not?. Ending up at Sidetrack (my Saturday night home during Husker season.. Yes, I'm a "Sidetrack Slut"), we spent the remainder of the evening being entertained by the house band and, if you can imagine after 4 1/2 hours of drinking, doing some entertaining ourselves. I was pleasantly flabbergasted when I was approached by a very attractive man who knew my name. Even more so when I realized I had met him right there way-back-when (I'm talkin years ago, people). It's good knowing you're memorable. . .

It is 12:30 on, I guess, Saturday morning. I just got home from an evening out with my brother, Luke. We went to our little brother's soap scrimmage and decided thereafter we needed a drink. You'll have to excuse any part of this that doesn't make sense, as I am a little tipsy right now.... To recap the past day... I fell down my stairs last night, hitting my big gord on each step on the way down. Now this is the hilarious part... I tripped on my dog. Fortunately, both he and I are okay, although I have experienced my second concussion (the first occuring six years ago the result of a mosh pit at some concert). I lay at the bottom of my steps, first wondering if my dog was alive (I fell on him, you see) and, realizing he was, hoping next that none of my bones were fractured. As I pulled myself up I was thrilled to discover that I was, in fact, quite intact, with the exception of a slight dizzy feeling. The night went on with no noticable differences. Lathen came home, we made love (for so long and so vigorously that by the time we were finished, I felt quite dehydrated). Alas, I awoke about 5:00 a.m. with the most hideous of headaches and feeling nausous as can be. I phoned in to work, explaining my current situation, and stayed fixed on my couch for the majority of the day. I discovered on DSS what is now my favorite movie.. "Best in Show", so the day was not a complete waste. My headache crept to every area of my head throughout the day, but by about 5, I was back to myself (so I think) and in no noticable pain. I headed to the soap scrimmage, leaving from there with my brother downtown to Sandy's where a few vodka drinks surely helped my situation (don't they always?). Ran into several friends, including our cousin, Brandon. It was a beautiful thing listening to Luke and Brandon reminisce about our late grandpa, Clint, much in the same way Brandon's sister (and my cousin) Sharla, talk about Clint's wife and our dear departed grandma, Helen. I love my family! absorb. Did this make any sense?

I had asked Lathen to define Love on Monday night at dinner. He responded something like .. Love is being able to be yourself and be comfortable. I think that is a big part of it, but I, as always, was looking for more. I proceeded to go into my "chemical love" spiel and he listened, he agreed. Well, it is apparent that he has been pondering the definition of love since that time because he came home last night with an obviously well thought out definition for me; it went something like this.....

"Love is not something that happens quickly. It is too complex. It requires respect, trust, interest, sexual attraction, admiration, acceptance, amongst many other of life's good things. Because of this, it takes time. Those feelings you have before these sentiments are proven is simply lust. It may grow to love, it may not, but you must have all of these things present, or you will be missing out on its true meaning."

Of course, this is not verbatim, but it is the jist of what he said to me and I love him for putting such time into answering my question. Do I agree? Absolutely. Do I believe in exceptions? Always...

"What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print." Who said that? I can't think of the source right now, but it applies. There are some days where I just can't write it.

On Love: Theoretically, it is a chemical thing. In this way, seeing love on someone can be understandable; it should make you beautiful. Okay, so that beauty, that light, is the result of those chemicals stirring something up inside you and radiating out. It's happened to all of us. Sadly, it often fades or disappears. There must be some "love chemical" imposters who, look like love, feel like love, but in actuality, are simple little sparks, content on filling up and igniting, for a time, the empty holes in the week and unhappy, that soon burn out. That "love chemical", the real one, must be pretty damn hot and run pretty damn deep. It also fills up every part of you, even the parts that aren't so empty. How lucky to experience this even once in a lifetime, but twice! If twice, what then?

Wow. I better get something else down here so my last entry doesn't shape one's view of my attitude. I'm in a much better mood this morning. I had a somewhat busy weekend but nothing mattered because the weather was beautiful. It put me in a great mood. What else could a girl ask for? Friday night I was invited to play Bunco with a friend. I was the sole "Bunco Virgin" and beginner's luck served me well, as I won the grand prize!! For those of you who haven't heard of Bunco, it is a simple game played with dice, and basically, an excuse for people to get together, drink and gossip. This particular group was all women, so you can imagine the variety in conversation. It ranged from men (of course) to children (I have none) to maternity coverage (very important) to your basic talk-about-the-girl-behind her-back (not always cool). All-in-all, for only knowing one girl (walking into a room full of women you don't know is a scary thing) I had fun. Saturday, I went to Pears-A-Palooza with a couple friends. Four bands, pretty good music.. your basic dancing in the sand kind of night. Sunday - Lathen's 28th birthday. Slept in, I mean in (til 1:30) both of us. Upon awakening, we spent the day relaxing and went out to dinner. Had company later for drinks. Nice. Now, it's back to work. Not likin' that so much, but I'll get over it.

Why me! I just got off the phone today with some B at the St. Louis City Court. I simply needed some information, and she acted like I had just ruined her life! It took me 20 minutes to get the information because she made me repeat everything I said then re-stated my question as a question in just about the snottiest tone. At one point, she interrupted my question and actually said "I'll ask the questions here, ma'am". I hate dealing with people on the telephone!! squeeze. There have been a number of uncooperative people who I have had to deal with (now that I think about it, they've all been court clerks, and it's always been over telephone), but she's now number one on my slappin list (at least for today). She should be commended. It's amazing how one person's bad attitude can ruin my whole day!! squeeze. squeeze. squeeze.

Had drinks last night with another friend from school, C.Leigh. I've never really gone out with her alone before and after a few hours of talking it was apparent that we had a lot in common. The more I looked at her, the more I realized that she looks almost identical to a good friend I had back in my days at Lincoln School of Commerce - Joyce. Joyce and I were joined at the hip for about a year. We got fake IDs together and hit the bar scene pretty hard when we were 19. All our lives were about were drinking, dancing and having a good time. We pretty much charmed our way through school. It was great. But now I couldn't even tell you what state she lives in. Isn't life funny that way. We have certain "friends for the moment" who seem like the world and then they are gone and we almost forget about them and don't even miss them. At 19, I guess they serve a purpose, but it seems the older I get, the less I tolerate superficial relationships, in fact, I absolutely do not tolerate them at all. I am now very conscious of weeding out those friends and really holding on to the good ones. I much more enjoy going out with one person, to a semi-quiet place, drinking some wine and having a meaningful, constructive conversation, as opposed to being slobbery drunk with a group of people in a loud bar screaming at each other to converse; although that is still kinda fun -- once in awhile. I guess this is all pretty normal. absorb.

Went to the Dentist this afternoon. It seems I'm one of the lucky few who will have an ongoing battle with tartar for the rest of my life, no matter how often I brush and floss. And I thought I was doing so well. Oh well - at least there are no new cavities, just a little crack in an existing one that must be filled in. Life is fun!

Feeling a little perkier today. I had nothing to do last night. Heaven forbid! So,on a whim, I stopped by the handy dandy Menards, picked out some paint and painted my dining room. Color: Blue Steel. It's definitely different, but I think it's beautiful. I only spilled paint twice! I thank Lathen for accepting my impulsiveness and my clumsiness (he's used to it by now!). absorb.

A little blue today. Maybe it's hormonal.

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
-Kin Hubbard

Sad but true. Take if from me; I work with in a building full of lawyers and middle aged women and we all must ride an elevator together.

On my way back to the office from lunch, I was listening to Dave Matthews and realized right then and there why I love him so much. His lyrics seem to make every questionable thing I've done seem o.k. and totally normal. It seems his words make so much sense to me because they talk about living in a world where one thing is expected, but not always what works or makes you content. Maybe there are just certain people who can relate to this (we can call them Daveites) and I'm one of them. The one that really got me was "Say Goodbye" (see #6 on Crash). I've never before actually listened to the lyrics on that one, but it really did hit close to home. Bittersweetness, kinda sad but, quite frankly, just how the world is sometimes, no matter what people claim. I'll absorb.

As I returned home about 2:40 a.m. on Saturday morning (after a wonderful, wonderful night with friends), I was surprised to find Lathen pulling in the drive as well. It was nice not coming home to an empty house for a change, and I was a little preoccupied with the happenings of the night and it was nice seeing his smiling face. He had gotten off work earlier than usual. He also surprised me with the good news that he had taken Saturday night off. These weekends together are rare and we wanted to make the most of it. We knew if we stayed home, we'd find something practical to do around the house, so we both thought it best to get away for awhile. After coercing my 17-year-old brother, Levi, to come over to house/dog sit (we had beer in the fridge, and yes, his girlfriend could come over, too), away we went - no real destination. We ended up in Sioux City, Iowa where we spent the night. On the way, we stopped at a couple casinos on the reservations. The stars must have been aligned, because within 10 minutes of walking into "Winnavegas" I put $2 in a dollar slot next to the one Lathen was playing and hit $160 on the first roll. That's not all.... I hit $160 again, as well as several $10 and $20 hits. Lathen hit $120. Ten minutes later, we walked out with $450. Also, at CasinOmaha in Onawa, Lathen hit twice on roulette (4 and 14 - I picked the numbers!) winning $185 each time. That, along with several other smaller hits, allowed us to leave there with a tad over $270. Not bad for us, huh? Winning aside, it was good for us to get away. We spent a very romantic evening in the Hilton lounge, leading to an equally romantic night in the hotel room... if ya know what I mean. The next day we drove to Yankton, South Dakota and visited Gavin's Point Dam. It was fun watching the fish literally jump out of the water. We headed home from there, stopping only in Norfolk to eat (and I mean EAT) at Whiskey Creek. I'm still full! Now, I'm back at work, back to reality, back to life, the hear and now, etc. etc. etc. squeeze.

I've worked through my permanancy issues with the help of some insight and inspirational thoughts of a good friend and I feel much better now. I've realized that my worst fears are of living a life full of boredom and routine. I need to realize that moving is not the only way to spruce up my life. I've decided to move forward spiritually, mentally, physically and psycholigically. Allowing myself to go through changes is the most important thing and it can be very exciting. I must remember, however, to hang on to and appreciate every moment for what it's worth and not to be in a rush to change everything, for some things are very, very good. In fact, a lot of things in my life are simply wonderful and I hope they never change. In the beautiful and yet troubling words of Dave Matthews... "I can't believe that we would lie in graves wondering if we had spent our living days well.. I can't believe that we would lie in graves wondering what we might of been.." I love Dave. absorb.

It seems as if I'm pretty uninspired lately. I think it may be because of the fact that I have been so overwhelmed with the move. I've come to the realization that I have been suppressing some very real fears. I guess this is only natural since I've moved a total of 20 times in the past 10 years (I'm not exagerating) and this one is very permanent. Moving has always been a way of starting over for me. In the past, I have made certain choices that, although proving to be life's lessons, have been very damaging to me, psychologically. Usually, once I realized this, I would move and, along with the move, change other things in my life as well. I'm sure this move is also the result of some deep realization. It seems apparent, but there's something else there that I can't put my finger on and this is scaring me a bit. Maybe I just need to stop thinking for awhile... Tell me again, how do you do that?

I can't decide if I'm a yo-yo, a roller coaster, or a yo-yo on a roller coaster...

Bob's quest to record his first hole in one is still unfulfilled but his efforts raised over $5000 for charity. As a consolation, Kristi offered to hold his balls. Bob seemed pleased. (isn't that funny).

My favorite disorder... For those of you who didn't know me as a child, see below. Thankfully, I have undergone 90% recovery.

Separation Anxiety Disorder (309.21)
Symptoms: Inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom one is attached, as evidenced by at least 3 of the following:
1. Excessive distress when separation from home occurs or is anticipated - Your clothing becomes soaked with sweat by the time you walk from your front door to your car. Your clothing becomes soaked with sweat by the time you walk from your front door to your car.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or possible harm befalling major attachment figures - You are reprimanded by your employer for having your mother accompany you on corporate sales calls.
3. Persistent and excessive worry about becoming lost or kidnapped - Your daily wardrobe always includes a Low-Jack homing device and a portable global positioning system.
4. Reluctance or refusal to attend school for fear of separation - You have changed your major eleven times depending on where specific classes are being held and who else will be attending.
5. Excessive fear about being alone or separated from your major attachment figures - You now live in a motor home and have compelled your family to travel with you at all times.
6. Reluctance to go to sleep without being near major attachment figures - Your entire family now sleeps in one gigantic bed in the same room.
7. Repeated nightmares about being separated - You wake up to discover that in your sleep you have tied your blankets around the ankles of your spouse.
8. Repeated complaints about physical symptoms when separation occurs or is anticipated - You vomit whenever you hear the word "goodbye."

Watched Traffic last night on the new DSS system. Pretty good movie, but sometimes I can't believe things like that happen on the same planet I live on. But then again, I've lived a sheltered life.

Sometimes, our past gives us insight and reason. Other times it does not. Sometimes our choices help us grow. Other times, they reduce us. What confuses me is when a choice can both helps us grow and reduce us at the same time. Within the past five months, I feel as if I have aged 10 years. I no longer view my world through the same eyes. I've grown into a strange sort of seriousness that I can't explain. It seems as if I must find reason for every single little thing and I refuse to believe this is wrong. At times it makes me unhappy, but it is still a need I must attend to. On the positive side, I now look to my future not with fear, but with the greatest of hope and excitement because I look forward to all of the lessons I have yet to learn. I realize some of them will be hard and painful, but I have every confidence in myself to be able to deal with absolutely anything. This is how I've grown. This is how strong I know I am, even if I don't always feel that strength. I've realized some things and these things are so intense that I'm a little scared to gaze at them; it's kind of like looking at the Sun . . . even though I can't fix my eyes directly on it, I am always aware of its presence, even when all is dark and proof of it's existence is merely through the softest moonlight. This what my experiences this year have done for me. Perhaps for me, this is the Year of the Sun... absorb.

Had drinks last night with my friend, Donelle. She's a good friend from my Doane College days. Haven't seen her since graduation (two months ago!) and it was a blast catching up. Out of all my friends, she and I seem to have the same basic attitudes about certain issues, mainly... sex. We talked a lot about sex last night (girls tell their tales too, ya know). Donelle was in my very first class at Doane (Interpersonal Communication). I remember we were partners in the "trust" game where we had to be blindfolded and led around by each other. Her and I thought it a stupid game, so we went outside, hid, and just sat on a bench and talked. At the time, I was engaged and was having some serious (suppressed) doubts about my upcoming marriage to Jason. Dun . . . du du du. She was married at the time and I asked her what it was like to be married. She replied "it's alright" with not a lot of enthusiasm, and went on a little bit trying to tell me about some good and bad experiences. Needless to say, I didn't feel better about my engagement after that conversation. When I started school, my self-esteem was at an all time low (thanks, Jason), I was extremely scared about going back to school and really didn't go out of my way to talk to anyone. I think I started school again to attempt to regain some sort of control over my life, since Jason had been slowly taking it from me. Seriously, I didn't know if I was coming or going most of the time with him. Well, by the end of that eight-week course, I had called off my engagement, moved out, contacted all my friends who I was forbidden to see during my two-year relationship, and was myself again. I had never felt so good. The next time I ran into Donelle after that course, she was beginning divorce proceeding, seemed extremely happy and had also come out of her shell, and it's been nothing but good things for both of us ever since. We go, girl! Thanks, Interpersonal Communication... you changed our lives.

I awoke this morning happy to be alive as I thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion last night. I finally made the dreaded trip to my old apartment to make a final attempt at cleaning the place and to retrieve what I thought to be a "few" miscellaneous items which weren't brought in the move. Turns out there was much more remaining there than I thought. To top it all off, our air conditioner had been off for five days, each of those days' temperatures reaching at least 95. Needless.. I was drenched in sweat the moment I walked in and spent two hours loading my car with the remaining items and cleaning the tub, sink, toilet, etc. At one point, I was this close to passing out and had to stop and lay my head by the air vent for ten minutes of an escapt to my happy, cool place. I believe I uttered the phrase "this f*#cking sucks!" approximately 126 times. I'm usually a pretty tough girl.. until it comes to heat. Don't like it. As I was leaving, though, I made myself stop and center one more time on leaving the apartment one last time. I longed for some fond feelings for the place, but none came to be. It seemed it was merely a transitional dwelling and, in fact, Lathen and I had our most trying times while living there. I don't wish to place blame anywhere other than where it belongs (with us), but I do give credit to the influence of positive and negative energies (vibes, if you will) of a dwelling and I can't say I don't believe they have an effect on a person. Looking back, it seemed Lathen and I were happier once we left the place. And I can say that since the move I have been in a greater state of inner peace and have felt more relaxed, despite all the physical work I've been doing around the house. I sense the same with Lathen, also. Sleep is valuable and welcome and I feel "at home" as I crawl into bed at night, as opposed to either resisting the urge to take a sleep aid or giving in to one each night as before. Could it be I've taken a small step to being where I'm supposed to be, or is it simple exhaustion for now. One never knows, do one.

If there were no freedom, beings could never disentangle themselves from the world. But since there is freedom to transcend the world, beings are able to become disentangled. -Anguttara Nikaya

It's inspirational quote day!!

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
--- Woodrow Wilson

Some mornings as I drive to work, I wonder about my purpose. Oftentimes, I think of Wilson's words and I feel better.... and worse. absorb. squeeze.

Went home for lunch. Lathen and I had a nooner. Wow, it's been forever since we've done it in daylight!

I have a desperate need to catch up on last weekend because so much happened, both physically and spiritually for me. I apologize for going back in time here, but I do need to blog about my Sunday. ~~ It began quite nicely as Lathen and I set out to meet his family at Mahoney State Park for dinner in celebration of his brother's 20th birthday. That, in itself, was quite uneventful except for the typical spatting between Lathen's brother and Sister. Flashbacks to adolescence are good for the soul. Afterwards, we stopped by the SAC (Strategic Air Command) Museum. I've been wanting to check that place out for quite some time but I was a bit taken aback with my reaction to the displays. I have always regarded war with the utmost disdain, but I respect those who have served and I can understand one's feeling of duty and, of course, pledge allegience to what this Country at least attempts to stand for in its fight for Democracy for all. You'll have to excuse me, as I am neither educated nor well read on the subject of war, knowing only of the general concepts, those including death and destruction. As I walked underneath the enormous wings of the old fighter planes and ducked inside to stand in the actual bomb compartment, I cannot explain the mixture of fear, adrenaline and sadness that filled my being. There were certain areas where I stood that I literally had to walk away from because it was as if I were experiencing all of the terrible emotions and resulting death and destruction that was caused by that very aircraft within which I stood. I didn't realize what was going on at the time; I assumed my discomfort was from exhaustion and lack of understanding of the aircrafts but now I'm sure these feelings were the result of lingering energies left from who-knows-what and I was feeling them. The worst part was near the Vietnam display. I couldn't even look at the entire thing because tears began streaming down my face and I had to walk away to hide my sobs. Luckily, there was a kite display going on and I was able to regain composure there amongst the beautiful kites. My wonderful Lathen soon came searching for me and I felt better once I was near him. I know this may all sound crazy, but I report here only my very own personal feelings. I must now decide whether to absorb or sqeeze and, quite frankly, I'm not sure which to do. Holding on to life's tragedies can't be healthy, so for now, I'll squeeze.

I feel like I've been in my own little world these past five days. I will attempt to record here some of the highlights:
After all my ranting, we are now officially in our house. Notice I say "in", not unpacked. The latter will take a substantial amount of time considering I plan on re-painting most of the house and unpacking seems a bit premature right now (i'm sooo overwhelmed!) But, backing up, the closing on Friday went extremely well (I have very strong writing fingers). Our realtor brought us a bag of potatoes; a joke to symbolize cheep meals for the next thirty years as we pay off this mortgage. She, being clever like she is, remembered overhearing a conversation I was having with my mother on how cheap potatoes are (some things really do amaze me) and how much I do love potatoes. Don (previous owner) came bearing gifts of keys, keys, keys. This man has keys. We have at least five sets of each key to each door in the house, bless his heart, and they are all color coordinated. That is, he painted the key to match how he painted the lock. Brilliant. Then it was off to move, with the help of my wonderful brothers, mother and step-dad. Johnny (step-dad) seemed to think we could finish moving by noon, or at least was his agenda. I'm not sure who, exactly, he was competing against for fastest move ever, but he was on a mission, I assure you. Johnny is an interesting guy. I may go into that later; then again, maybe I won't.. who knows. Lathen was off to work in the afternoon and I was left in a house full of boxes. Did I mention how overwhelmed I felt? Needless..I was literally paralyzed and didn't even know where to begin, so I sat on the couch and watched TV all night with my dogs and cat. I waited up for Lathen (it seemed like the thing to do) and we both went to bed at approximately 3:30 a.m. Saturday, July 28, 2001, happy, content, exhausted... homeowners. absorb.

Saturday proved to be just as exhausting. I awoke with a list of millions of "things-to-do" bouncing around in the ol' brainsponge, and we walked around the house trying connect the "to-do" with the object.. nothing was connecting. Nothing made sense. We went for donuts. When we returned, we sat at the dining room table, ate donuts, talked about what we needed to do, made a list... took a nap. We both slept until the doorbell rang. Nicole - best friend - stopped by with a peace lilly for our lovely dwelling. I must say I feel so bad now because I was, literally, half asleep as I showed her around the place. I really felt kind of stoned. I must call and apologize. After she left, I continued sleeping until the doorbell rang once again, this time two friends, Tammy and Kristal. I did a better job of waking up this time and showed them around, as well. We then sat on the living room floor gossiping for awhile. I feel like a very bad hostess considering I didn't even have anything to offer to drink except my brothers' leftover Pabst Blue Ribbon in the fridge, but I was too embarrassed about that. I think having company will be much nicer once I have at least my living room set up to my standards; and maybe before I invite everyone over to my new house on moving day, i should at least make a trip to the grocery store. Alas.. the perils of naivitivity. Don't worry... more to come......................