Double dose... of the happy herb this morning. Not sure why, just felt like I needed it. Although not competely removing feelings, It seems to lessen them. Greatly appreciated because I've been obsessing a bit since my Monday night session with Jan. Arriving at my appointment, I was unsure whether or not I would be able to fill up the entire hour considering the emotions have been surprisingly and graciously kind to me lately. But since I can't get through too many perfect days, I did need to speak with her about what I considered to be merely a couple minor setbacks. While doing so, she insisted that I cry. I was hoping to get through it without tears and had been trying with all my might, but couldn't do it.! But it did feel good and I took myself up and down the road a few times, noticing the scenery more and more and more. So while perched in the hear-and-now, somewhat better able to look upon my past, I see not only the obvious patterns, but the driving forces behind these patterns are becoming clear, as well.

It begins with the memories of childhood feelings when my dad was home. I was happy when he was there; I felt protected and safe. But at the same time, I was sad and anxious because I knew at any time he would be leaving the house and when he did, I felt unprotected, alone and, most of all, un-noticed. His comings and goings varied from day to day. I had no control over that. What's amazing to me now is that I've chosen to be in relationships with men who possess these same qualities. They've all had odd jobs with odd hours. When I did spend time alone with them, the feelings of happy-sad anxiousness feelings emerged, identical to those of my childhood. But what changed in my adult life is that I was no longer paralyzed by the feelings, but I began to react to them. Thusly, controling patterns emerged. If I couldn't make them want to be at home or control when they would be at home, I at least could know everything about what they were doing otherwise or assuming I could go along with them. I've dated 3 different bartenders for God's sake! I knew if I wanted to, I could go to the bar to see them. I had control over that. When dating a loser with no driver's license as a result of various DWI charges, I knew if he had to go somewhere, I would have to take him. I had control. And what in the world would I have done without 24-hour access via cell phones? Was I happy in these relationships? In a sick sort of way, yes. I was re-living childhood grief because that's what's familiar to me. I wasn't necessarily dating bad people, I was clinging to the familiar, unaware that it was detrimental to my growth and I needed so much more. I failed to realize at the time that I need structure, stability and a nice balance of independence. And it's better for all involved if I don't try to create it myself. So recognized.