There has been something bothering me for the past few days. I closed my eyes in silence and tried to place my finger on it the other night, but couldn't. I feel unequipped to place it right now. I think something very important is happening inside me. I think it may be, like the seasons, I'm changing again.

I've been feeling a little "to-myself" lately and yesterday didn't help. Lathen and I went to the funeral of a good friend's mother who was tragically killed in a car accident last weekend. I'd only met her once, but before I knew Lathen, he had spent a lot of time with this family. It was a catholic service and I was surprised to find myself really getting a lot out of the sermon, as I have chosen not to adhere to one, specific religion. However, the Priest's thoughts on death were identical to my own. Generally, his message conveyed that death is not goodbye, but a "see ya later". He went on to speak of things such as this place (earth) not being where we're really supposed to be, but simply a vessel taking us to our ultimate destination... Believe what you may, but I have always held this as my faith and have searched continuously throughout my life for little inspirations to remind myself of this. I left the service feeling oddly renewed. I felt a little guilty feeling as I did surrounded by the obvious mourners. It may be, though, that I have grown imune to funerals, having gone to far too many during my youth. That sounds cold, but I'm really not an unfeeling person. I've just felt it all and maybe I'm used to emotional pain.

After the service, we attended the usual feed-your-face-and-forget-your-pain reception in the church basement. There were a lot of friends there that we haven't seen for months, so it was nice to see most of them. I say most because I have found that in this group of people (of which I am not really a "member", only through Lathen) I feel a certain sense of uncomfortableness around a certain few. It seems it takes far too much of my energy to include myself and I end up feeling extremely drained and getting nothing out of the interaction. It seems pointless, superficial and a complete waste of my time and energy, but, I guess, something I have to deal with from time to time. Honestly, I would rather sit outside their circle and simply watch and listen than be a part of it. This, typically, is very unlike me. It's very hard to explain, maybe someday I'll write more about it.

Then it was off to work for the remainder of the afternoon. When I came home, Lathen was still a bit bummed out and we sat in our beautiful back yard, me drinking rum and coke and he, beer, and discussed life and death. That is, until the telephone rang and we were invited back to our friend's house, a post-funeral get together I guess you would call it. This time, a drink-beer-to-forget-your-problems type of thing. I chose not to drink and (you guessed it) became extremely annoyed by about 9:00. I left, went home, and was never so happy to just be by myself. I tell ya, I was emotionally drained. Lathen ended up crashing on their couch and is still, as far as I know, passed out there. I think he had fun. Sometimes I think we couldn't be more different. squabsorbeeze.