meant to be... I awoke from sleep last night scared. It was another dark dream that I had but I looked over at Mike and felt safe. Lying there, I began to think about what the past year has brought. Thinking back to August, 2001, I remember how unsettled I felt. These memories have been confirmed as I spent a good part of this morning reading brainsponge archives from last fall. It is so apparent now how I was merely trying to make myself believe that everything was ok. But in the here and now, as I close my eyes and take myself back to that time and place, the feeling is complete frustration, dissatisfaction and sadness. So as I lay in bed last night, I felt thankful for today. After all, I now have everything I want, and it has become my present life not through struggle, but easily as if it was always meant to be. I have a home and am carrying a living being, a child made from a little bit of me and a little bit of a man who I've loved ever since the moment I met him. Truth being told, and not everyone else knows this, I fell in love with Mike when I wasn't supposed to. I struggled so hard with that, my subconscious knowing I would probably not be completely happy without him, but choosing at the time to sacrifice that. I'm thankful that even though I took away the right choice from myself, the choices of another led me to the place I longed to be. Reading post-breakup brainsponge posts has also given me insight into what an amazing period of growth I went through during January and February of this year. Looking back on all the negative feelings, the sadness, disappointment, guilt, hopelessness, you name it... it all pointed to a renewal that I thereafter and am still currently experiencing. Did you know that I feel my baby now every single day? She is strong in there and constant proof of the magic of this universe. She, too, was created not through struggle, but came to be as easily as if she were meant to be. Because she is.