My being is like a puzzle. I'm not sure how close I am to getting it put together, but I am starting to at least get an idea of what it is supposed to look like when I'm done. I'm pretty sure it's full of people. The people I truly APPRECIATE (this word is under-rated) They are people who, no matter where they are now, are always with me. It's like I can't replace them. For instance, my dad. He died when I was 16. No matter what happens to me during this life, NOTHING will replace what he was to me. In my puzzle of a soul, he's taken a pretty big piece - one of those big, important ones in the middle. I, therefore, remain 1 piece short of a full puzzle, if you will. That is an important one, but there are so many others. Lathen holds a huge piece right now, and in return, he's given me more love, respect and appreciation than I ever thought possible. I believe that when you meet those really special people, you have to give them that piece of you. It makes a hole just big enough for them to come inside you and remain there forever. Sometimes, someone comes along and kind of borrows a piece for a bit and returns it without ever giving you anything in return, those people suck and make you feel like crap, but they've taught you something, haven't they? Others just fit over the top of a piece you already have, try to get in, maybe ride along for awhile, but are never really needed at all. When these types leave, you don't so much miss them, it doesn't hurt. We all have these puzzle-souls. I'm quite fond of mine and I'm thankful for those people who have helped me put it all together. I truly hope they know who they are because I love them so much. Some of them are in my life right now, others are not. Some of them are alive and well, some are not. Whatever the situation, I thank them for holding a piece to my puzzle; for although I don't have it anymore, they have become a part of who I am and what I become. No matter whether their existence in my life was good or bad, the spaces they left in my puzzle-soul have allowed so much wisdom, strength and love to enter in. It is this I appreciate, because it can never be replaced. I'll live with these holes, because the reason for their existence is priceless. aaaaaaaaaabsorb.

Remind me to talk about APPRECIATION.

Last night's dream ... prepare yourself, it's scary. I was watching dead bodies being flushed down some sort of underwater pipe system. I was actually underwater myself - I think. They had apparently all died from some sort of contamination in the water and couldn't be brought to the surface. They were all naked and dead. I probably don't really want to know what this one means. squeeze?

My brother called last night. He's getting married next spring!!! I will be the last one to tie the knot!!!

Just remembered last night's dream! I needed braces, so first they cloned me so I could see what I'd look like. I thought I looked pretty cute, so I went ahead with the braces. Then, I ate corn on the cob and broke half of them off. Going to have to look that one up.

This walking thing works! I've already lost 6 pounds since I started. Keep in mind, however, that three squares today, or the inevitable "monthly thing" (there's really no good word for it, you know), and it will all be back, and then some. Alas, things could definitely be worse! I walked by "our house" last night, kind of checked out the neighborhood. Across the street a couple, looked to be a collective 130 years of age, were sitting on their porch in lawn chairs. aaah, cuute! I waved. Little did they know that very soon, a young crazy couple would be moving in, doing Lord knows what across the street. It may be a scary day for the neighborhood, though, because from what I could tell, most everyone on that street must be retired. How do I know this, you ask? Well, you see, I have become quite adept at window peeping. I love looking into people's houses, from the street of course, just to check out the home furnishings, layout, I don't know, just to see inside! I guess maybe I should talk to my therapist about this, huh? Anyway, from what I could tell last night, believe me, this is a retiree neighborhood... no one under 60 owns lamps like those! But Lathen and I, we're really not that bad, for the most part, we're done with the hard partying, and looooove to lounge and play with our cute little puppies, Shae and Sama-Lama. In fact, I can just see Lathen and the dogs hanging out with all the old retired men in the neighborhood, smoking cigars and talkin' bout the weather. He'd love that!

Say hello to a new home owner. The old man selling the house didn't accept our offer, but we did accept his counter. Hey, we still got a great price and I'm very happy with the deal. We brought our earnest money deposit to the realtor today, went over all the closing costs, etc. (we're new at this). Wow, there are a lot of things to take care of (and pay for!!). Lathen's so funny. His hands were shaking and he's smoked about 300 cigarettes in the past 48 hours. He's not used to spending so much money on one thing. It'll all be worth it in the end. It's in a great neighborhood and I have so many plans - painting, carpeting, gardening, etc., etc.... Lathen has a few of his own. There is a great shop area in the basement and a GREAT yard both front and back. You should see the huge tree in the front yard. I own a tree!!! We close July 31, so I have over a whole month to wait (and obsess) Woo-hoo.

Wow, things are moving fast!!! My realtor called this morning advising that there was another couple going to look at "my house" tonight for the second time and may be making an offer. We set an appointment to show Lathen at noon today. He loved it and we went ahead and made an offer!!!! We'll find out tonight if they'll accept or counter-offer or whatever! I'm so excited.

Looked at a few houses last night. I liked a couple, really liked one, and two of them smelled like "old crap" (a phrase my realtor and I came up with to describe that smell... what is it?). The one I really like has been home to a very old man who is moving to a retirement village. You can tell he took great pride in his home - he had to be one of those perfectionist people. Although the colors and carpet were dated (looked 60s to me), it was immaculately clean and had a great yard for the puppies! And.. the price is actually under our range. How bout that. I can always take up painting. Taking Lathen to see it Saturday. If he likes, we'll probably make an offer. Yea!!!

Went for a walk in the rain last night. Very exhilarating. absorb. I chose to walk through residential areas instead of a main street and was delighted to see an old couple sitting on their porch watching it rain. It was comforting, reminded me of how my grammy and grampy were when gramps was still alive. As I smiled at them and said hello, I thought how nice it will be someday to sit on my very own porch with my very own husband and watch it rain. I look forward to that.

Define maturing. Is it when you finally place perspective on important things such as living, family and spirituality? Is it when you would rather go have a quiet dinner and drinks with one or two good friends as opposed to slamming drinks, rump-shakin' and picking up men in a crowded bar? Or is it simply what happens once you reach your 30s? I have been looking forward to my 30s. You heard me right. I guess I'm thinking that when I'm in my 30s, I will have all the answers to my questions, or at least not have so many to worry about. Hopefully, I will be married and maybe a child or two, so I won't have to worry about going out and (heaven forbid!) returning home alone. I will own a home, so I won't have to worry about getting my security deposit back if I don't scrub the bathtub and shower to those ungodly and impossible cleaning specifications. (they always get me on that!). I will most assuredly continue to grow more attractive and sexy as I age, right? (another ego thing. laugh, will ya!) And most importantly, I will know what it was like to be in my 20s. This seems a great advantage because while still in my 20s, I have no idea how it feels to be 30. A friend pointed that out once and it made so much sense. This tidbit comes from yet another lunch with Lathen. He said some things that were obviously true signs he is growing up and maturing. When I pointed this out to him, he wondered when this all happened and how the hell it happened so fast. One never knows, do one?

Okay, so I didn't write last night like I said. I had other priorities. Mondays are Lathen's night off, so we generally spend them together. --I realize I've been referring to Lathen saying "my boyfriend". I guess I should use his name; such a neat name, don't ya think?-- We had dinner at Spaghetti Works and as we left the restaurant, the sky contained the most amazing colors; some areas were a kind of a greenish pink if that makes any sense. Lathen said it looked like hail. The sky was dark blue-grey in other areas, yet the sun was still shining in others. I was amazed at the intensity of the colors. The hue of the normally dull stone buildings seemed bright and intense. I love walking downtown at dusk. absorb. We then drove around looking at houses. We have just entered the great American house hunt. I've dreamed of living in my very own house for so long and financially and we're now finally able to do it. I'm so excited!!! As we drove around, the big, dark clouds kept their promise and a massive downpour fell upon us. Raindrops as big as marbles, it seemed and yes, a few small hail drops fell, just as Lathen predicted. I felt kind of cozy driving around in that weather and I told Lathen that. I truly appreciated the uniqueness of that particular moment. absorb.

I've made another realization. . . I've failed to disclose the events of Saturday night's bachelorette party. It was your typical gathering of young women, no longer single and eager for a night to let loose and party. I made (strong) Elk Creeks for all and there was, of course, plenty of beer and wine coolers. It was a pretty hot day, but the party didn't get started until about 6:00, at that time, the weather was tolerable. We sat around outside for awhile chatting, reminiscing, etc. I have to say that Sharla has a great group of friends. None of the superficialness you usually have to put up with during pre-wedding festivities. I can honestly say that I truly like the whole wedding party. So after we ate, and witnessed the opening of gifts and breaking of the symbolic penis piniata, we were off to the bars of downtown Lincoln. Sharla wearing a beautiful penis corsage with matching dangling penis earrings, and the rest of us in colorful leis (i think i spelled that right?) worn by all to be sold to any and all willing boys and/or men for a buck apiece; hence the key phrase of the night "would you like to get laid for a buck?" - get it? At first I was a bit too shy and undrunk to put my true lei saleswoman skills to the test. I don't handle rejection very well. squeeze. But as the night wore on I began to 'work it'. Between the 9 of us, we made about $125.00. Not bad. I had reserved Molley the Trolley to pick us up at 1:00 a.m. after the bars closed, but alas, she never showed. A scheduling error it turns out. My refund check is in the mail, but disappointment abounds. I was so looking forward to that part of the evening. squeeze. As we were waiting with hope for the Trolley at 1:15 on the street corner, I am grabbed from behind by my brother in law. I knew he had gone to the races with Lathen that evening so I exclaimed "where's Lathen?!" He points to the building behind me, (it just so happens to be the building which houses Sandy's) and there he is, leaning against the wall, looking so handsome. I was so excited to see him. He ended up staying there with us waiting for the Trolley that never showed. Such a nice guy. Soooooooooooo, it was a great evening all-in-all. I loved going out with Sharla and the girls, drinking and acting crazy. We danced, sang, sold the hell out of our leis and generally made complete fools out of ourselves. I felt 22 again with one exception .. the next day I felt like hell. The age 22 is a good reference point for me because it was perhaps my most carefree, wild, and crazy year. I was in top form, able to drink every night of the week and still get up for work the next day. Let's face it, I'm not 22 anymore.(haven't I said that before?) Aging, ain't it a bitch. squeeze.

What a weekend, full of absorbs and squeezes. It's absolutely amazing how, when you actually define your problem and apply a technique that makes total sense (at least to you), getting through what used to be everyday confusion now actually seems quite painless! Friday night after work I began my walking regimen and sauntered 48 blocks down Holdrege, that's four miles to you and me. Physically, I felt great; and mentally... well.. talk about clearing one's mind! I forgot how therapeutic a good pleasure stroll is. absorb.

I was thereafter pleasantly surprised when my boyfriend called pronouncing his early departure from work. He is a bartender, working in a casino 50 miles from our home. We are rarely able to spend weekend nights together. (Yes, this mis-matching of schedules has caused a few minor blows to our relationship - something I may get into later, but not at this point, I'm way too wonderfully happy!) Seizing this rare chance for a weekend date I showered and did my best to look "pretty" (meaning I wore lipstick!). Upon his arrival and quick change of clothes, he and I went down to the Haymarket (the old factory district of town that has been beautifully renovated) for the annual Haymarket Heydays celebration. We walked through hand-in-hand in surveillance of the inhabitants of this great city (we like to call it people watching). After about an hour or so, we headed to Crane River, a favorite eatery/brewery, where we consumed drinks and appetizers al fresca. It was a gorgeous evening. absorb. The kind of night where you thank God for placing you right there in the heartland where you can look up and see the moon and every single star and, feel the breeze and inhale fresh air, tainted only by the smoke of your true love's cigarette. On this particular night, the simple fact that the smoke came from his mouth made it somewhat comforting and I savored it. It was the epitomy of a romantic evening. We held hands across the table, discussed intimate feelings and, at times, simply stared at each other and smiled. absorb. He sure is a handsome man. absorb. We were joined later by Steve, the Brew Master at Crane. He is a good friend and, quite simply, a great person. One of those uncomplicated, jovial, non-judgmental people who seem to find the positive in everything; and when all is jaded, laughs about it. absorb. Wanted: more Steve-Os in this world!

So that was my Friday night. Saturday required quite a bit more energy and I am still recovering, and squeezing, even after Sunday's laziness and feasting at mom's for Father's day. I will post more later today. Ta-ta-for-now.

What is it in a dog's chemical makeup that makes them EAT MY UNDERWEAR?!

Writer's group last night. It was such a good thing. Although I feel I may not be as advanced as the other writers in the group, and definitely not as well-read, I am hoping my skills will increase as I go. I have so many ideas darting through my head every day and many of them I'm sure could make great stories. It's all a matter of simply sitting down and putting them into words as the inspiration hits. Unfortununately, it is often while in the midst of other projects, or dreams, that the best ideas come and hanging onto them is the hard part.

After writer's group I went to my friend Jen's house. As we sat there drinking Hooch (the new red stuff is pretty good - is it new?) our discussion went, as it often does, to relationships. I know what you're thinking - we were man-bashing. We weren't at all. We realize, after witnessing so many dysfunctional relationships, that we both have wonderful boyfriends. Honestly, they're both saints. I feel like I can truly be myself and will always be accepted. I know that sounds like a simple thing, but it is amazing how many women (and men) are unable to be themselves in certain relationships. I know this because that was me with all previous boyfriends. I don't know how Jen and I got so lucky; yeah I do, we're awesome! If I were a guy, I'd want to date us. (ego-trip of the day.. sometimes I just gotta. it's funny!). But, alas (jen's word) we have been going through similar inner struggles and it was helpful and reassuring to get her insight. She is a wise soul - one of about five people who I truly feel I can talk to about anything, and never, ever, be judged.
Jen's friendship, keeping with theory here, has been absorbed.

The neatest thing just happened... As I was walking to the courthouse from our office to file some documents, there was a woman walking toward me. She had on a plain, white t-shirt and plain ol' blue jeans. I remember thinking, 'now this is a simple woman, kinda like me'. Right then she looked at me and said, "pretty smile". Wow.

As I lunched with my boyfriend today, our discussion moved toward last night's tribute to the importance of, not just taking care of your body, but doing so in a way that also enhanced your mind and soul. Growing up, I, like most other girls, wanted to be perfect. Perfect meaning tall, thin, beautiful. Unfortunately, I was none of these. I guess I wasn't ugly, in fact some may say I was rather cute, but I was always on the heavy side. At the age of 22 I was weighing in at a heafty 174 pounds. It was on a warm, August afternoon that I decided, while eating an Arby's Big Montana, that if I didn't want to be heavy, I was the only one who could do anything about it. I set down the sandwich, picked up a pen and paper, and began concocting my plan. (we all know plans are more easily followed when written down in plain english, preferably with step-by-step instructions). It was simple, really. I was going to limit my fat intake to less than 20 grams per day and excercise every night. This exercise, according to my plan, consisted of walking or rollerblading three miles per night, immediately after I returned home from work. In case of inclement weather, my mom's YMCA membership would suffice. So that's what I did. Miraculously, by Christmas my weight was down to 140 pounds and my self-esteem was tipping the scales. This was a life altering experience, a true period of pride and satisfaction for me. "Yeah, that's right! Check this out" was my mantra. Since then, however, I have been in a constant struggle to maintain this image I created. Back then, I'll admit I did it for purely physical reasons, to be more attractive. Now, as a 27-year-old member of society, I am still preoccupied with my weight, but not for the same reasons. Let's face it, I'm no longer 22 and I accept what age does to a woman's body. I realize I must work harder than others and put effort into my body or it will surely take on a life of its own and, according to the basic laws of nature, expand its borders. But my bigger concern now is my inner needs. How it will make me feel. Me being my mind, soul, spirit and heart. These things that I never really understood before and, as I grow older, have become more and more important to me. This is what I must absorb. I guess this brings me to my second Squeeze - I do not need to be a perfect image, but rather, a perfect essence.

First of all, I really need to get a faster computer. It took me several minutes to get to this post page!!! I just returned from running errands. We are throwing a bachelorette party this weekend for my cousin, Shar, and I had to get a few provisions - plastic plates, silverware, cups, oh, and Vodka. I am in charge of making Elk Creeks. That is - orange juice, gin, vodka, lime juice (and everclear if ya really want to party!) It is a specialty drink served exclusively at Sandy's Bar here in Lincoln. Boy, I sure have a lot of good stories from that place; but I won't go there. At least not tonight.

As I was shopping, I could feel a huge sense of dread. I stopped in my tracks once I realized this and thought about where this feeling was coming from. It hit me that I had told myself that after shopping, I had to go work out at the gym. I really didn't want to. I decided not to. I felt better. Wow, that was simple. I realized I hate working out - at least in the manner in which I have been doing so. I have been lifting weights, doing aerobics and stairmaster. The stairmaster really isn't so bad, but honestly, I hate lifting weights and doing aerobics. I use to love to - I think. Who knows if I really did, or just thought I should. In any event, at this point in my life, it doesn't make me happy, so I will now cease. Don't get me wrong, I want to exercise, but I need to find something that I enjoy, or at least don't dread. Walking. I like to walk. From now on, I will take long walks in the evening and call it good. I realized that the whole Brainsponge philosophy requires that I take a good look at what to keep and what to throw away. First Squeeze - I can't tell you how much better I feel.

My therapist once told me I was "like a sponge". It was after she figured out that I was applying a cousin's failing marriage to my own relationship. Using the sponge analogy, I realized then that she was absolutely right. I tend to absorb everyone's life around me, and apply it to my own, whether good or bad. After I realized this, I immediately felt better, and did not need to return to therapy. Until now... Eight months later, I realize I have once again made all the same mistakes. This time, though, I have managed to hurt someone very special to me. The entries that follow will be my attempt to analyze my sponge-like tendancies and come to terms with who I am and what should and should not affect me. In essence, I will try to figure out what to absorb, and what to squeeze out. Welcome to Brainsponge