Went home for lunch. Lathen and I had a nooner. Wow, it's been forever since we've done it in daylight!

I have a desperate need to catch up on last weekend because so much happened, both physically and spiritually for me. I apologize for going back in time here, but I do need to blog about my Sunday. ~~ It began quite nicely as Lathen and I set out to meet his family at Mahoney State Park for dinner in celebration of his brother's 20th birthday. That, in itself, was quite uneventful except for the typical spatting between Lathen's brother and Sister. Flashbacks to adolescence are good for the soul. Afterwards, we stopped by the SAC (Strategic Air Command) Museum. I've been wanting to check that place out for quite some time but I was a bit taken aback with my reaction to the displays. I have always regarded war with the utmost disdain, but I respect those who have served and I can understand one's feeling of duty and, of course, pledge allegience to what this Country at least attempts to stand for in its fight for Democracy for all. You'll have to excuse me, as I am neither educated nor well read on the subject of war, knowing only of the general concepts, those including death and destruction. As I walked underneath the enormous wings of the old fighter planes and ducked inside to stand in the actual bomb compartment, I cannot explain the mixture of fear, adrenaline and sadness that filled my being. There were certain areas where I stood that I literally had to walk away from because it was as if I were experiencing all of the terrible emotions and resulting death and destruction that was caused by that very aircraft within which I stood. I didn't realize what was going on at the time; I assumed my discomfort was from exhaustion and lack of understanding of the aircrafts but now I'm sure these feelings were the result of lingering energies left from who-knows-what and I was feeling them. The worst part was near the Vietnam display. I couldn't even look at the entire thing because tears began streaming down my face and I had to walk away to hide my sobs. Luckily, there was a kite display going on and I was able to regain composure there amongst the beautiful kites. My wonderful Lathen soon came searching for me and I felt better once I was near him. I know this may all sound crazy, but I report here only my very own personal feelings. I must now decide whether to absorb or sqeeze and, quite frankly, I'm not sure which to do. Holding on to life's tragedies can't be healthy, so for now, I'll squeeze.

I feel like I've been in my own little world these past five days. I will attempt to record here some of the highlights:
After all my ranting, we are now officially in our house. Notice I say "in", not unpacked. The latter will take a substantial amount of time considering I plan on re-painting most of the house and unpacking seems a bit premature right now (i'm sooo overwhelmed!) But, backing up, the closing on Friday went extremely well (I have very strong writing fingers). Our realtor brought us a bag of potatoes; a joke to symbolize cheep meals for the next thirty years as we pay off this mortgage. She, being clever like she is, remembered overhearing a conversation I was having with my mother on how cheap potatoes are (some things really do amaze me) and how much I do love potatoes. Don (previous owner) came bearing gifts of keys, keys, keys. This man has keys. We have at least five sets of each key to each door in the house, bless his heart, and they are all color coordinated. That is, he painted the key to match how he painted the lock. Brilliant. Then it was off to move, with the help of my wonderful brothers, mother and step-dad. Johnny (step-dad) seemed to think we could finish moving by noon, or at least was his agenda. I'm not sure who, exactly, he was competing against for fastest move ever, but he was on a mission, I assure you. Johnny is an interesting guy. I may go into that later; then again, maybe I won't.. who knows. Lathen was off to work in the afternoon and I was left in a house full of boxes. Did I mention how overwhelmed I felt? Needless..I was literally paralyzed and didn't even know where to begin, so I sat on the couch and watched TV all night with my dogs and cat. I waited up for Lathen (it seemed like the thing to do) and we both went to bed at approximately 3:30 a.m. Saturday, July 28, 2001, happy, content, exhausted... homeowners. absorb.

Saturday proved to be just as exhausting. I awoke with a list of millions of "things-to-do" bouncing around in the ol' brainsponge, and we walked around the house trying connect the "to-do" with the object.. nothing was connecting. Nothing made sense. We went for donuts. When we returned, we sat at the dining room table, ate donuts, talked about what we needed to do, made a list... took a nap. We both slept until the doorbell rang. Nicole - best friend - stopped by with a peace lilly for our lovely dwelling. I must say I feel so bad now because I was, literally, half asleep as I showed her around the place. I really felt kind of stoned. I must call and apologize. After she left, I continued sleeping until the doorbell rang once again, this time two friends, Tammy and Kristal. I did a better job of waking up this time and showed them around, as well. We then sat on the living room floor gossiping for awhile. I feel like a very bad hostess considering I didn't even have anything to offer to drink except my brothers' leftover Pabst Blue Ribbon in the fridge, but I was too embarrassed about that. I think having company will be much nicer once I have at least my living room set up to my standards; and maybe before I invite everyone over to my new house on moving day, i should at least make a trip to the grocery store. Alas.. the perils of naivitivity. Don't worry... more to come......................

"Becoming attractive to others is not very complicated. Love everyone. If you do not, then you are doomed. In essence, people who are non-communicative, sullen, withdrawn, and unresponsive to the simple courtesies of interaction with strangers are destined to a life of, at best, marginal functioning, and more likely an utter failure to accomplish anything more than feeding, sheltering, and clothing themselves. And this will be their miserable fate until the moment that they finally die, at which point few if any will notice or care . . . ever . . . Think about it!" So says Dr. Will Miller. absorb.

Had dinner with my friend, Nicole, last night at The Beacon. Nicole is my best friend from high school. We have actually known each other since we were 3 years old and began attending Sunday School together. Our friendship became very close when another friend of ours, Janelle, was killed when we were in first grade. Janelle and I were very close because she lived right across the road from me and we spent every single day together. When Janelle died, Nicole told me not to worry because she would still be my friend. I don't know if she remembers that or not, but I remember it clearly. We were standing on the playground, near the merry-go-round. I think it was kind of drizzly outside. Ever since then, through many ups and downs, we have been best friends. In high school it was always "Mollie and Nicole". And now, my God, we're grown up! After all our searches for the perfect men, I think we both may have found them. We had some fun back in the "searchin" days, though - don't get me started! So now, although we live very close, we rarely have a chance to get together and I'm thankful for last night. It seems we always have something to talk about, whether it be something new that's come up, or something from our past. There are some things from my past that I just never get tired of talking about and Nicole is probably the only person who understands that. We seem to have the same core, although we express ourselves very differently (this is something Nicole pointed out last night). She's watched me do so many stupid, stupid things; she's always been there for me and never, ever judged me. God bless her! absorb, absorb, absorb.

ps: Happy Birthday, Nic!

Last night, Lathen and I had margaritas with my brother, Luke, at Mazatlan (they have the best margaritas and the best service). Luke is perhaps the most influential man in my life since my dad died, so it was so very nice to be sitting there with him and Lathen. I've often wondered what Luke does to cope with dad's death and I think now I've figured it out. You see, Luke has a ton of my dad's belongings from long ago. He has all of his hunting, trapping and fishing licenses, some of them dating back to 1963. He has sale bills from both auctions (wasn't I just talking about that?), and some of the memories he has are astounding. Being a girl, I remember different things, like how strong and kind he was, as well as his really bad temper, but Luke remembers how dad worked and the little things he did throughout his life that I never even knew about or maybe just wasn't interested in. Lathen has the same memories of his uncle that he shared with us, also. It was a very nice night. absorb. Too bad my allergies had to kick in about 10:00. I swear I couldn't even keep my itchy eyes open on the drive home - and that headache, wow! I guess that's what you get when you have allergies and a cold and a margarita in July... in Nebraska.

My former boss, Steve, just called me. He's one of my favorites. I miss him. He just recently returned from a 3-week business trip in NYC. Hopefully, we'll get together soon and catch up. Just thought I'd blog about that.

On Saturday, Lathen and I went to the estate auction being held by the owner of (almost) our house and had the pleasure of meeting our new neighbors. To the north we have Glen and Peggy, and to the south, Don and Roberta. Are those perfect neighbor names or what?! We also had a chance to visit with Don (the owner) who shared some wonderful, personal stories about the house and some of its belongings. His daughter, Margaret, took our picture with Don. We actually all became very close in a short period of time and I am beside myself that we have been lucky enough to buy a house full of such love. Auctions, I think, are quite sad events. I've had to go through two; one when my Dad had to file bankruptcy in the early 80s (the farm crisis, you remember), and another when he died. It was a bit heartbreaking to watch Don sit there as pieces of his life were being bought by strangers; and it was clearly disheartening for him. My beautiful boyfriend bought Don's hand-made "happy holidays" sign in order to keep up his chrismas tradition and save it from being tossed aside. This gentle act touched me. I sometimes forget what a noble man I have in Lathen. According to Buddha, "Not by harming life does one become noble. One is termed noble for being gentle to all living things". Makes sense to me. absorb.

I'm now going to stop whining about the heat. Because if I can't take it, I may as well stay out of the proverbial kitchen (or stay inside, in my case. aaaah, air-conditioning). However, I really neeeeeed those evening walks. I've discovered these walks do many things for me in my absorb/squeeze enterprise. It's good alone time for this intravert and it allows me to: One, clear my mind of all of the day's frustrations; Two, speak to my chosen spiritual force, whom I like to call God; Three, become inspired by and gain more appreciation for the little things; you know, birds, trees, clouds, breezes, and the occassional puppy or kitten when I'm lucky; Four, exercise/sweat - always good; Five, I remember my dad; Six, reminiscing time for a ~plethora~ of other wonderful memories; Seven, get in touch with Mollie - something that I often fail to do throughout the day (working on it). All these things are products of my walks. Without them, I'd be sitting on my couch mindless, thoughtless, inspirationless - yuck!

Okay, so I'm living in a sauna, then? This frickin heat's killing me! Makes me crabby. squeeze.

After an individual session with my counselor, Jan, last night, I am finally able to give myself a label that makes sense, (based upon my coping mechanisms); but I'm not exactly comfortable with this realization and for this reason, failed to write last night. I couldn't even bring myself to write about it. I thought maybe today I'd be ok with it, but I'm not, so I'm being vague. On the positive side, I feel better because now we have something to work with. But I'm also somewhat ashamed. squeeze.

On a lighter note, and once again a product of my nightly walk, I was able to restore some good feelings when I came across a mama cat playing with her three babies (I'd guess 4 to 6 weeks old) right there in the middle of the sidewalk. There is perhaps nothing cuter than a baby kitty, I don't care who you are. It made me so happy! absorb.

I often question certain members of the male sort. Tonight on my jaunt it seemed I was bombarded by whistles and yells from passing vehicles. Some of the men guilty of this act actually had a female sitting next to them (how rude!) This has happened on occassion, but tonight it seemed excessive. I wasn't even wearing shorts for God's sake, instead opting for sweat pants and a tank top. I tell you this not in vain, but in true question of the rationale of these chaps. Yeah, I'm attractive enough, but certainly not whistle-quality. In fact, right now I consider myself at least 10 pounds overweight (and I'm being kind). On the other hand, maybe they're directing their attentions to my portly breasts. ewwww. squeeze.

I saw Simi!

My cat, Simi, ran away a month ago. She wasn't the healthiest cat, her back hips always fell to the side when she walked and her eyes were always yucky, but she was special. Actually, I think she was an angel and knew everything in the universe. But she was always trying to get out when the door was opened and we often had to chase her down after she escaped. Lathen and I assumed she left because she was ready to die and wanted to be alone. We searched all over our little neighborhood for days, to no avail. Tonight, as I was returning home from my walk, I saw her! I tried to chase her, but she ran around the corner of the building and disappeared. Was it really her, or was it her ghost? I was saddened that she ran away from me, but I figure she's happier now. absorb. But I miss her. I hate missing things! squeeze.

Walked to Eastpark Theatres last night to see to Scary Movie 2. What a stupid movie . . . I loved it. I just really dig that dumb, burlesque-type humor. I was among a handful of people in the theatre but the only one laughing. Afterwards, took the long way home in order to get in my 5 miles. Wasn't too inspired by anything today; in fact, I was dead tired and brain dead (yeah, both) when I reached home. I took the dogs out, journaled and went to bed. ho hum.

On last night's 5 mile stroll, I just happened to walk by "our house". The old man living there now was in his garage. He was just standing there with his hands on his hips, looking around. I wondered if his mind was full of the fond memories he has spent there in that house or if he was just thinking, "what the hell am I going to do with all this junk?" I prefer to think that he was fondly remembering days long past, maybe memories of special moments spent with his wife and the raising of his kids. We want the good vibes to linger . . . absorb.

Why am I always hungry?

What a weekend. Ya know, I was in my cousin's wedding. I've known her since she was born and I was 1. As I stood there watching her say her vows, our whole childhood flashed before my eyes. Seems like a lifetime ago, but also, just like yesterday. We had so much innocent fun together as children, and then some not so innocent times as roommates during the college years. The wedding was amazing. The only thing that spoiled the day was the heat. It was a good 100 degrees and the air conditioning broke down! They invited over 500 guests and I think everyone showed up! Some unfortunate people were forced to sit in the church basement and view the wedding via video monitor. The wedding was at my hometown church in Sterling.. That place is full of spirits and I never really know how I feel when I enter in. I was baptised in that church and attended almost every Sunday while I lived at home. My parents were married there, my dad and grandparents' funerals were held there, all three within a 17 month period, and my sister was maried there. My uncle Galen sang the Lord's Prayer. That song has such a bittersweet meaning for my family and I because it has been sung at every wedding and funeral in our family. Galen sings so well and with such strength, especially the high notes, I was full of goose bumps and tears. After the wedding, the wedding party rode in limos to Scotts Bar in Sterling and had a few cocktails. After returning to the limos for the drive to Lincoln and consuming more champagne than I thought imaginable, we arrived at the Cornhusker Hotel for the reception. Amazing. It was the most elegant affair I have attended for quite some time. All-in-all, a wonderful night. I am so happy for Shar and her new husband, Jamie. absorb. God bless em!

Lost: black and brown teddy bear
very raggedy, looks like garbage
but it's my little dog's

$10.00 reward

This note was posted next to our garbage dumpsters. You know, there's a special place in heaven for people like this.

Tuesday night my cousin, aunt and a few other friends went down to Sandy's for karaoke. We used to do this quite frequently, but haven't for awhile. The way we do it is this.... first we get very very drunk, and then we sing. It is our 5 minutes of rockstardom - a fix, ya see. I was in a band a few years ago. Okay, I subbed for the singer for 3 months; but I did get in on about 5 gigs and it was so awesome. I'd really really like to do that again, but I do not play an instrument, nor do I have the right connections. I think that maybe someday I'll perhaps be in the right place at the right time and get in on it again. Geez, dream on, Molls! (I hope!) Nonetheless, I was a tad deficient the next day (happy 4th!), sleeping til 5:00 and getting up in time to pull on some clothes and pick up my grandma, cousin and nephew for the trip to Sterling where we joined my sister at her inlaw's for a celebration of independance day. We shot off the traditional fireworks, ate, swam, etc. (I drank water). There was a mama cat who that very day had 3 little baby kitties. aaawww! I don't think I've ever seen such tiny little felines! I was sure there was some significance to that, but I haven't figured it out yet. So anyway, I'm back to work after yet another year of freedom in the land of the free and the brave........

Last night, Lathen and I went grocery shopping. We then cooked our very own dinner and ate it over candle light. This, from the two people who wouldn't last two days in our own apartment before starving to death! (we usually have to leave to find food!) It was nice, felt so homey. absorb. I bought a bottle of wine for the occasion, Lathen bought some of that expensive lager. We proceeded to get fairly drunk. We learned a lot about each other last night. He told some great stories from his bull-ridin' days. (I knew there were stories!!!) I'm thinking.. this has the makings of a great novel!

if it's not longing, it's wondering
if it's not wondering, it's dreaming
if it's not dreaming, it's hoping
if it's not hoping, it's fearing
if it's not fearing, it's dreading
if it's not dreading, it's trying
if it's not trying, it's done
and when it's done we start longing again....

I did something Friday night that I hadn't done in AGES!! I went to P.O. Pears and danced to the FishHeads in the sand pit! God, I used to do that all the time with my roommates "back in the day". I have to admit, it wasn't as much fun as it used to be, but it was ah-ight. I took my little sister and her friend, both 21. The band's last song of the night was "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince. I was singing every word and my sister looked at me and said "I don't know this song, what is it?" I think this is called a generation gap! The same thing happened last week when my cousin and I were talking about the upcoming Prince concert and our little cousin (i think she's 14) said "Who's Prince?". I'm getting old..........