There has been something bothering me for the past few days. I closed my eyes in silence and tried to place my finger on it the other night, but couldn't. I feel unequipped to place it right now. I think something very important is happening inside me. I think it may be, like the seasons, I'm changing again.

I've been feeling a little "to-myself" lately and yesterday didn't help. Lathen and I went to the funeral of a good friend's mother who was tragically killed in a car accident last weekend. I'd only met her once, but before I knew Lathen, he had spent a lot of time with this family. It was a catholic service and I was surprised to find myself really getting a lot out of the sermon, as I have chosen not to adhere to one, specific religion. However, the Priest's thoughts on death were identical to my own. Generally, his message conveyed that death is not goodbye, but a "see ya later". He went on to speak of things such as this place (earth) not being where we're really supposed to be, but simply a vessel taking us to our ultimate destination... Believe what you may, but I have always held this as my faith and have searched continuously throughout my life for little inspirations to remind myself of this. I left the service feeling oddly renewed. I felt a little guilty feeling as I did surrounded by the obvious mourners. It may be, though, that I have grown imune to funerals, having gone to far too many during my youth. That sounds cold, but I'm really not an unfeeling person. I've just felt it all and maybe I'm used to emotional pain.

After the service, we attended the usual feed-your-face-and-forget-your-pain reception in the church basement. There were a lot of friends there that we haven't seen for months, so it was nice to see most of them. I say most because I have found that in this group of people (of which I am not really a "member", only through Lathen) I feel a certain sense of uncomfortableness around a certain few. It seems it takes far too much of my energy to include myself and I end up feeling extremely drained and getting nothing out of the interaction. It seems pointless, superficial and a complete waste of my time and energy, but, I guess, something I have to deal with from time to time. Honestly, I would rather sit outside their circle and simply watch and listen than be a part of it. This, typically, is very unlike me. It's very hard to explain, maybe someday I'll write more about it.

Then it was off to work for the remainder of the afternoon. When I came home, Lathen was still a bit bummed out and we sat in our beautiful back yard, me drinking rum and coke and he, beer, and discussed life and death. That is, until the telephone rang and we were invited back to our friend's house, a post-funeral get together I guess you would call it. This time, a drink-beer-to-forget-your-problems type of thing. I chose not to drink and (you guessed it) became extremely annoyed by about 9:00. I left, went home, and was never so happy to just be by myself. I tell ya, I was emotionally drained. Lathen ended up crashing on their couch and is still, as far as I know, passed out there. I think he had fun. Sometimes I think we couldn't be more different. squabsorbeeze.

Today... I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a really huge mountain looking up. I can see the top, I know what's up there, I know how to get there, and I long to be there, but I know I won't get there by sundown. I probably won't even be there by sundown... next year! It's going to take a long time and I will most definately have to push my way through some rough terrain. I'm so anxious! I feel like one of those little spoiled brat kids (you know the type, you've seen them at the supermarket). I want what I want... Right Now!!! I want to throw a tantrum! The only difference between me and the aforesaid little brat is that I know a tantrum won't get me up that mountain. It'll just wear me out and take a few miles of today's journey. I know none of this really makes sense since I haven't explained my goals. I'm wary of putting those goals down in print just in case they don't happen. Then I'll feel like I've failed. (my self-confidence has called in sick for the day). squeeze.

The weekend continued on in a drinking fashion. I spent Saturday at my mom's watching the big football game with my family. I thereafter went downtown with some friends with the sole purpose of drinking. ( I sometimes think I may have a problem ). Alas! I love going out at this time of year and where better to go than downtown? That's where everyone else is. We dangerously started at 6:00; destination: everywhere. One of my friends just got off probation and had never been downtown before, so why not?. Ending up at Sidetrack (my Saturday night home during Husker season.. Yes, I'm a "Sidetrack Slut"), we spent the remainder of the evening being entertained by the house band and, if you can imagine after 4 1/2 hours of drinking, doing some entertaining ourselves. I was pleasantly flabbergasted when I was approached by a very attractive man who knew my name. Even more so when I realized I had met him right there way-back-when (I'm talkin years ago, people). It's good knowing you're memorable. . .

It is 12:30 on, I guess, Saturday morning. I just got home from an evening out with my brother, Luke. We went to our little brother's soap scrimmage and decided thereafter we needed a drink. You'll have to excuse any part of this that doesn't make sense, as I am a little tipsy right now.... To recap the past day... I fell down my stairs last night, hitting my big gord on each step on the way down. Now this is the hilarious part... I tripped on my dog. Fortunately, both he and I are okay, although I have experienced my second concussion (the first occuring six years ago the result of a mosh pit at some concert). I lay at the bottom of my steps, first wondering if my dog was alive (I fell on him, you see) and, realizing he was, hoping next that none of my bones were fractured. As I pulled myself up I was thrilled to discover that I was, in fact, quite intact, with the exception of a slight dizzy feeling. The night went on with no noticable differences. Lathen came home, we made love (for so long and so vigorously that by the time we were finished, I felt quite dehydrated). Alas, I awoke about 5:00 a.m. with the most hideous of headaches and feeling nausous as can be. I phoned in to work, explaining my current situation, and stayed fixed on my couch for the majority of the day. I discovered on DSS what is now my favorite movie.. "Best in Show", so the day was not a complete waste. My headache crept to every area of my head throughout the day, but by about 5, I was back to myself (so I think) and in no noticable pain. I headed to the soap scrimmage, leaving from there with my brother downtown to Sandy's where a few vodka drinks surely helped my situation (don't they always?). Ran into several friends, including our cousin, Brandon. It was a beautiful thing listening to Luke and Brandon reminisce about our late grandpa, Clint, much in the same way Brandon's sister (and my cousin) Sharla, talk about Clint's wife and our dear departed grandma, Helen. I love my family! absorb. Did this make any sense?

I had asked Lathen to define Love on Monday night at dinner. He responded something like .. Love is being able to be yourself and be comfortable. I think that is a big part of it, but I, as always, was looking for more. I proceeded to go into my "chemical love" spiel and he listened, he agreed. Well, it is apparent that he has been pondering the definition of love since that time because he came home last night with an obviously well thought out definition for me; it went something like this.....

"Love is not something that happens quickly. It is too complex. It requires respect, trust, interest, sexual attraction, admiration, acceptance, amongst many other of life's good things. Because of this, it takes time. Those feelings you have before these sentiments are proven is simply lust. It may grow to love, it may not, but you must have all of these things present, or you will be missing out on its true meaning."

Of course, this is not verbatim, but it is the jist of what he said to me and I love him for putting such time into answering my question. Do I agree? Absolutely. Do I believe in exceptions? Always...

"What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print." Who said that? I can't think of the source right now, but it applies. There are some days where I just can't write it.

On Love: Theoretically, it is a chemical thing. In this way, seeing love on someone can be understandable; it should make you beautiful. Okay, so that beauty, that light, is the result of those chemicals stirring something up inside you and radiating out. It's happened to all of us. Sadly, it often fades or disappears. There must be some "love chemical" imposters who, look like love, feel like love, but in actuality, are simple little sparks, content on filling up and igniting, for a time, the empty holes in the week and unhappy, that soon burn out. That "love chemical", the real one, must be pretty damn hot and run pretty damn deep. It also fills up every part of you, even the parts that aren't so empty. How lucky to experience this even once in a lifetime, but twice! If twice, what then?

Wow. I better get something else down here so my last entry doesn't shape one's view of my attitude. I'm in a much better mood this morning. I had a somewhat busy weekend but nothing mattered because the weather was beautiful. It put me in a great mood. What else could a girl ask for? Friday night I was invited to play Bunco with a friend. I was the sole "Bunco Virgin" and beginner's luck served me well, as I won the grand prize!! For those of you who haven't heard of Bunco, it is a simple game played with dice, and basically, an excuse for people to get together, drink and gossip. This particular group was all women, so you can imagine the variety in conversation. It ranged from men (of course) to children (I have none) to maternity coverage (very important) to your basic talk-about-the-girl-behind her-back (not always cool). All-in-all, for only knowing one girl (walking into a room full of women you don't know is a scary thing) I had fun. Saturday, I went to Pears-A-Palooza with a couple friends. Four bands, pretty good music.. your basic dancing in the sand kind of night. Sunday - Lathen's 28th birthday. Slept in, I mean in (til 1:30) both of us. Upon awakening, we spent the day relaxing and went out to dinner. Had company later for drinks. Nice. Now, it's back to work. Not likin' that so much, but I'll get over it.

Why me! I just got off the phone today with some B at the St. Louis City Court. I simply needed some information, and she acted like I had just ruined her life! It took me 20 minutes to get the information because she made me repeat everything I said then re-stated my question as a question in just about the snottiest tone. At one point, she interrupted my question and actually said "I'll ask the questions here, ma'am". I hate dealing with people on the telephone!! squeeze. There have been a number of uncooperative people who I have had to deal with (now that I think about it, they've all been court clerks, and it's always been over telephone), but she's now number one on my slappin list (at least for today). She should be commended. It's amazing how one person's bad attitude can ruin my whole day!! squeeze. squeeze. squeeze.

Had drinks last night with another friend from school, C.Leigh. I've never really gone out with her alone before and after a few hours of talking it was apparent that we had a lot in common. The more I looked at her, the more I realized that she looks almost identical to a good friend I had back in my days at Lincoln School of Commerce - Joyce. Joyce and I were joined at the hip for about a year. We got fake IDs together and hit the bar scene pretty hard when we were 19. All our lives were about were drinking, dancing and having a good time. We pretty much charmed our way through school. It was great. But now I couldn't even tell you what state she lives in. Isn't life funny that way. We have certain "friends for the moment" who seem like the world and then they are gone and we almost forget about them and don't even miss them. At 19, I guess they serve a purpose, but it seems the older I get, the less I tolerate superficial relationships, in fact, I absolutely do not tolerate them at all. I am now very conscious of weeding out those friends and really holding on to the good ones. I much more enjoy going out with one person, to a semi-quiet place, drinking some wine and having a meaningful, constructive conversation, as opposed to being slobbery drunk with a group of people in a loud bar screaming at each other to converse; although that is still kinda fun -- once in awhile. I guess this is all pretty normal. absorb.

Went to the Dentist this afternoon. It seems I'm one of the lucky few who will have an ongoing battle with tartar for the rest of my life, no matter how often I brush and floss. And I thought I was doing so well. Oh well - at least there are no new cavities, just a little crack in an existing one that must be filled in. Life is fun!

Feeling a little perkier today. I had nothing to do last night. Heaven forbid! So,on a whim, I stopped by the handy dandy Menards, picked out some paint and painted my dining room. Color: Blue Steel. It's definitely different, but I think it's beautiful. I only spilled paint twice! I thank Lathen for accepting my impulsiveness and my clumsiness (he's used to it by now!). absorb.

A little blue today. Maybe it's hormonal.

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
-Kin Hubbard

Sad but true. Take if from me; I work with in a building full of lawyers and middle aged women and we all must ride an elevator together.

On my way back to the office from lunch, I was listening to Dave Matthews and realized right then and there why I love him so much. His lyrics seem to make every questionable thing I've done seem o.k. and totally normal. It seems his words make so much sense to me because they talk about living in a world where one thing is expected, but not always what works or makes you content. Maybe there are just certain people who can relate to this (we can call them Daveites) and I'm one of them. The one that really got me was "Say Goodbye" (see #6 on Crash). I've never before actually listened to the lyrics on that one, but it really did hit close to home. Bittersweetness, kinda sad but, quite frankly, just how the world is sometimes, no matter what people claim. I'll absorb.

As I returned home about 2:40 a.m. on Saturday morning (after a wonderful, wonderful night with friends), I was surprised to find Lathen pulling in the drive as well. It was nice not coming home to an empty house for a change, and I was a little preoccupied with the happenings of the night and it was nice seeing his smiling face. He had gotten off work earlier than usual. He also surprised me with the good news that he had taken Saturday night off. These weekends together are rare and we wanted to make the most of it. We knew if we stayed home, we'd find something practical to do around the house, so we both thought it best to get away for awhile. After coercing my 17-year-old brother, Levi, to come over to house/dog sit (we had beer in the fridge, and yes, his girlfriend could come over, too), away we went - no real destination. We ended up in Sioux City, Iowa where we spent the night. On the way, we stopped at a couple casinos on the reservations. The stars must have been aligned, because within 10 minutes of walking into "Winnavegas" I put $2 in a dollar slot next to the one Lathen was playing and hit $160 on the first roll. That's not all.... I hit $160 again, as well as several $10 and $20 hits. Lathen hit $120. Ten minutes later, we walked out with $450. Also, at CasinOmaha in Onawa, Lathen hit twice on roulette (4 and 14 - I picked the numbers!) winning $185 each time. That, along with several other smaller hits, allowed us to leave there with a tad over $270. Not bad for us, huh? Winning aside, it was good for us to get away. We spent a very romantic evening in the Hilton lounge, leading to an equally romantic night in the hotel room... if ya know what I mean. The next day we drove to Yankton, South Dakota and visited Gavin's Point Dam. It was fun watching the fish literally jump out of the water. We headed home from there, stopping only in Norfolk to eat (and I mean EAT) at Whiskey Creek. I'm still full! Now, I'm back at work, back to reality, back to life, the hear and now, etc. etc. etc. squeeze.

I've worked through my permanancy issues with the help of some insight and inspirational thoughts of a good friend and I feel much better now. I've realized that my worst fears are of living a life full of boredom and routine. I need to realize that moving is not the only way to spruce up my life. I've decided to move forward spiritually, mentally, physically and psycholigically. Allowing myself to go through changes is the most important thing and it can be very exciting. I must remember, however, to hang on to and appreciate every moment for what it's worth and not to be in a rush to change everything, for some things are very, very good. In fact, a lot of things in my life are simply wonderful and I hope they never change. In the beautiful and yet troubling words of Dave Matthews... "I can't believe that we would lie in graves wondering if we had spent our living days well.. I can't believe that we would lie in graves wondering what we might of been.." I love Dave. absorb.

It seems as if I'm pretty uninspired lately. I think it may be because of the fact that I have been so overwhelmed with the move. I've come to the realization that I have been suppressing some very real fears. I guess this is only natural since I've moved a total of 20 times in the past 10 years (I'm not exagerating) and this one is very permanent. Moving has always been a way of starting over for me. In the past, I have made certain choices that, although proving to be life's lessons, have been very damaging to me, psychologically. Usually, once I realized this, I would move and, along with the move, change other things in my life as well. I'm sure this move is also the result of some deep realization. It seems apparent, but there's something else there that I can't put my finger on and this is scaring me a bit. Maybe I just need to stop thinking for awhile... Tell me again, how do you do that?

I can't decide if I'm a yo-yo, a roller coaster, or a yo-yo on a roller coaster...

Bob's quest to record his first hole in one is still unfulfilled but his efforts raised over $5000 for charity. As a consolation, Kristi offered to hold his balls. Bob seemed pleased. (isn't that funny).

My favorite disorder... For those of you who didn't know me as a child, see below. Thankfully, I have undergone 90% recovery.

Separation Anxiety Disorder (309.21)
Symptoms: Inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom one is attached, as evidenced by at least 3 of the following:
1. Excessive distress when separation from home occurs or is anticipated - Your clothing becomes soaked with sweat by the time you walk from your front door to your car. Your clothing becomes soaked with sweat by the time you walk from your front door to your car.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or possible harm befalling major attachment figures - You are reprimanded by your employer for having your mother accompany you on corporate sales calls.
3. Persistent and excessive worry about becoming lost or kidnapped - Your daily wardrobe always includes a Low-Jack homing device and a portable global positioning system.
4. Reluctance or refusal to attend school for fear of separation - You have changed your major eleven times depending on where specific classes are being held and who else will be attending.
5. Excessive fear about being alone or separated from your major attachment figures - You now live in a motor home and have compelled your family to travel with you at all times.
6. Reluctance to go to sleep without being near major attachment figures - Your entire family now sleeps in one gigantic bed in the same room.
7. Repeated nightmares about being separated - You wake up to discover that in your sleep you have tied your blankets around the ankles of your spouse.
8. Repeated complaints about physical symptoms when separation occurs or is anticipated - You vomit whenever you hear the word "goodbye."

Watched Traffic last night on the new DSS system. Pretty good movie, but sometimes I can't believe things like that happen on the same planet I live on. But then again, I've lived a sheltered life.

Sometimes, our past gives us insight and reason. Other times it does not. Sometimes our choices help us grow. Other times, they reduce us. What confuses me is when a choice can both helps us grow and reduce us at the same time. Within the past five months, I feel as if I have aged 10 years. I no longer view my world through the same eyes. I've grown into a strange sort of seriousness that I can't explain. It seems as if I must find reason for every single little thing and I refuse to believe this is wrong. At times it makes me unhappy, but it is still a need I must attend to. On the positive side, I now look to my future not with fear, but with the greatest of hope and excitement because I look forward to all of the lessons I have yet to learn. I realize some of them will be hard and painful, but I have every confidence in myself to be able to deal with absolutely anything. This is how I've grown. This is how strong I know I am, even if I don't always feel that strength. I've realized some things and these things are so intense that I'm a little scared to gaze at them; it's kind of like looking at the Sun . . . even though I can't fix my eyes directly on it, I am always aware of its presence, even when all is dark and proof of it's existence is merely through the softest moonlight. This what my experiences this year have done for me. Perhaps for me, this is the Year of the Sun... absorb.

Had drinks last night with my friend, Donelle. She's a good friend from my Doane College days. Haven't seen her since graduation (two months ago!) and it was a blast catching up. Out of all my friends, she and I seem to have the same basic attitudes about certain issues, mainly... sex. We talked a lot about sex last night (girls tell their tales too, ya know). Donelle was in my very first class at Doane (Interpersonal Communication). I remember we were partners in the "trust" game where we had to be blindfolded and led around by each other. Her and I thought it a stupid game, so we went outside, hid, and just sat on a bench and talked. At the time, I was engaged and was having some serious (suppressed) doubts about my upcoming marriage to Jason. Dun . . . du du du. She was married at the time and I asked her what it was like to be married. She replied "it's alright" with not a lot of enthusiasm, and went on a little bit trying to tell me about some good and bad experiences. Needless to say, I didn't feel better about my engagement after that conversation. When I started school, my self-esteem was at an all time low (thanks, Jason), I was extremely scared about going back to school and really didn't go out of my way to talk to anyone. I think I started school again to attempt to regain some sort of control over my life, since Jason had been slowly taking it from me. Seriously, I didn't know if I was coming or going most of the time with him. Well, by the end of that eight-week course, I had called off my engagement, moved out, contacted all my friends who I was forbidden to see during my two-year relationship, and was myself again. I had never felt so good. The next time I ran into Donelle after that course, she was beginning divorce proceeding, seemed extremely happy and had also come out of her shell, and it's been nothing but good things for both of us ever since. We go, girl! Thanks, Interpersonal Communication... you changed our lives.

I awoke this morning happy to be alive as I thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion last night. I finally made the dreaded trip to my old apartment to make a final attempt at cleaning the place and to retrieve what I thought to be a "few" miscellaneous items which weren't brought in the move. Turns out there was much more remaining there than I thought. To top it all off, our air conditioner had been off for five days, each of those days' temperatures reaching at least 95. Needless.. I was drenched in sweat the moment I walked in and spent two hours loading my car with the remaining items and cleaning the tub, sink, toilet, etc. At one point, I was this close to passing out and had to stop and lay my head by the air vent for ten minutes of an escapt to my happy, cool place. I believe I uttered the phrase "this f*#cking sucks!" approximately 126 times. I'm usually a pretty tough girl.. until it comes to heat. Don't like it. As I was leaving, though, I made myself stop and center one more time on leaving the apartment one last time. I longed for some fond feelings for the place, but none came to be. It seemed it was merely a transitional dwelling and, in fact, Lathen and I had our most trying times while living there. I don't wish to place blame anywhere other than where it belongs (with us), but I do give credit to the influence of positive and negative energies (vibes, if you will) of a dwelling and I can't say I don't believe they have an effect on a person. Looking back, it seemed Lathen and I were happier once we left the place. And I can say that since the move I have been in a greater state of inner peace and have felt more relaxed, despite all the physical work I've been doing around the house. I sense the same with Lathen, also. Sleep is valuable and welcome and I feel "at home" as I crawl into bed at night, as opposed to either resisting the urge to take a sleep aid or giving in to one each night as before. Could it be I've taken a small step to being where I'm supposed to be, or is it simple exhaustion for now. One never knows, do one.

If there were no freedom, beings could never disentangle themselves from the world. But since there is freedom to transcend the world, beings are able to become disentangled. -Anguttara Nikaya

It's inspirational quote day!!

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
--- Woodrow Wilson

Some mornings as I drive to work, I wonder about my purpose. Oftentimes, I think of Wilson's words and I feel better.... and worse. absorb. squeeze.