I'll start with a squeeze. My friend Nicole and I have been dealing with our upcoming 10-year class reunion. In our hometown, it is the tradition that the 10-year class host the annual Alumni Banquet with the class president being in charge. My sister, being her class president, insisted that we start as early as we can because it takes practically all year to plan. Well, things aren't going so smoothly.  Leave it to our class to have a total misunderstanding about this. Nicole and I chatted on the phone about this last night. I just love re-living these old high school spats. It's so funny!

Spent the weekend playing Softball in Fairbury. The town holds dear childhood memories for me from when I used to visit my grandma and granddad. Anyway, I was down there with family on what had to be the most picturesque day, walking along the brick streets of the town square, checking out the flea market, cheering for the parade with leaves blowing and flags upon flags upon flags blowing in the most perfect wind. In light of the recent happenings, I felt as if nothing could ever go wrong in the home of the Jeffs and Fairbury Brand hotdogs. It was true small town right down to the Saloon where we spent most of the evening. Yes, the word "Saloon" was actually painted on the building. Lathen and I immediately made many friends at the bar, including owner, Mr. Tooley, and Lathen was content there with his NFL games on TV, pack and a half of Marlboro reds, endless supply of So-Co, and bookie sheet on the bar in front of him, even when I left with my Aunt Kat to talk and walk slowly through the antique shops. Our conversation turned to, what else, but fate, and I'd like to share a quote from her... "Thanks to fate, nothing you do is wrong". I liked that. Maybe because it rectified the guilt of my endless list of wrong-doings; most of which I've quite enjoyed. absorb.. with limitations.

Went to the highly anticipated Snoop Dogg concert last night. I've been a long-time fan. Something about his smooth voice draws me to his music, not necessarily the lyrics. He and his "dog pound" were very interesting to watch. This was perhaps the only place and time where I, along with many other people of all races, were required to scream out "fuck you nigga". The overall concert demeanor surprised me. No tragedies. You better recognize!

In tribute to all that happens and and happens not. I'll absorb.

"Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that." -D. H. Lawrence

Ok... moving on with my life, I will attempt to bring you up-to-date on my weekend because life really is still going on. Friday night I went to my brother's football game. I felt very much a patriot as I sat in the stadium, ate a hot dog and cheered like you wouldn't believe. Ah, Americana. Saturday, Lathen took the night off and we had a nice night out, stopping in at Sandy's and Rogues for cocktails. It was so nice being out on a Saturday with my boyfriend. A rarity. I'm starting to realize just how important it is to spend time with the special people in my life. I'm really missing a lot of people right now.

So now it's been a week since the bombings. It is still very much on everyone's minds and it seems a constant flow of emails have kept most people in a sense of unity. However, I can't help but feel that we, as Americans, do not fully understand the cause of these attacks. My anger has subsided and I am now concerned by the fact that we have had almost no education on the differences between the middle eastern countries and the evil cults that reside there. I'm bothered that we relate them to each other, when there are most likely many, many good and innocent people stuck in those countries, adhering to peace-loving religions who have been praying for an end to the evil that has lingered there for years. To punish them, to me, seems no different than if I were punished and defined by the many evil cults that reside here. I know, my generalities are severe. Believe me, I will not forget what happened to us and I hate whoever is responsible. But I simply do not want to lose sight of the whole picture. I hope we are able to pick the fleas out of the furr without destroying the dog.

I feel both humbled and proud by all the amazing words of inspiration that, it seems, everyone in America has been sending out since Tuesday. It's amazing how calm I feel. I'm not scared in the least and, quite to the contrary, am feeling a strange sense of confidence that I haven't felt in quite some time. Looking back over my recent blogs, I've become aware I had been feeling a sense of depression and helplessness that I couldn't place my finger on and those feelings have since disappeared. I now feel strong and capable and I have this amazing sense of Faith in the good forces of the world. I just know good will conquer evil, and if it doesn't, quite frankly, I'd rather not be around anymore.

So I tried to relax and think good thoughts last night. I listened to my calm down music and felt much better. I have faith we will all be much better in the end with a renewed respect in America, civilization, spirituality and life will surely be enhanced. absorb.

Click here to read a NYC blogger's account of Tuesday's events. He was there.. with a camera. A long read, but worth it, expecially with the photos. Be sure to view the final two pictures... touching. absorb.

I awoke today, desperately wishing that everything would be back to normal, but realizing that it perhaps may never be. Strangly, I fear that some of my most core beliefs have changed overnight. For instance, I used to be opposed to war, but now I'm not. I now understand that sometimes we have to fight for things and maybe some people need to be destroyed in order for good to remain. I hate it that I feel this way. Sadly, too, I now feel a prejudice toward middle-easterners. I'm not proud of this and will work very hard not to let this mind-set stay with me. These feelings stem from CNN video I saw last night showing scenes of Palestinian celebration after learning of the terrorists' successful wrath. In particular, an old lady was jumping, clapping, smiling and cheering at the news. If her reaction is that of a whole population, I can't say I have any human respect for them. Right now, I can honestly say that their souls are less than those of the grasshoppers that have been destroying my tomatoes. What sort of reality are they living in, and how can it differ so from mine? Isn't that the age-old question, though? At that point in my viewing displeasure, I headed out for a much needed walk and, upon returning home, tuned in to the ongoing TV coverage for a short time, getting more depressed by the minute. It was when I viewed the footage of the poor, desperate souls falling from the burning building that I had had enough. For sanity's sake, I drank a large glass of rum and coke, called my mom, took a bubble bath, and began to search for viewing alternatives. Luckily, it was Three's Company night on "Nick at Night", so I escaped to some "unreality" for awhile, watching at least 4 episodes before nodding off. Lathen returned from work about 3 a.m. and we spent a couple hours lying in bed talking. He had a patron at the bar who had left Boston this morning 20 minutes before the first doomed aircraft took off. He was drinking straight scotch. He mentioned what a gorgeous day it was and how, as they flew over NYC, he had mentioned to the man sitting next to him how beautiful the Trade Center towers looked as the sun shone off them. What were once these beautiful buildings glowing in the morning sun, are now merely tje ugly, deadly heaps left in an aftermath of deliberate violence. How's that for bittersweetness? Folks, I could literally write for hours on this subject, but I suppose I should attempt to get some work done. I'll leave you with a simple quote from the lapel pin I'm wearing today... "Keep Believing".

"Life is too short for cheap wine" and I really need a drink. I've been sitting at work today, listening to constant radio broadcasts updating of the tragedies that have consumed our country today. It's 3:00. I am living through what has been claimed as the worst terroristic attack on the United States. It's unfathomable to me, safely snuggled here in the heartland, what the people of New York City and Washington DC must be going through. I heard reports of some lady losing her baby in the rubble and some have actually witnessed innocent lives plunging to their death from the flame-engulfed World Trade Center Towers, 110 stories of American Sybolicism, which then crumbled to the ground, destroying who-knows-what on the way; the skyscape forever changed. As I sit here with with a pit that has burrowed itself into my tum, I, in my own special way, am searching desperately for the why?! in all this. I am once again deeply distraught that I share a planet with terrorists. They have really never seemed real. But does not this type of thing happen every day in some war-torn countries? I have always believed that there is a reason for everything and most things.. most.. ultimately cause some positive.. for someone.. somewhere. But now is not the time to look for it. Even though I know of no one, personally, who was directly involved in this tragedy, I feel a need to mourn. For the first time in my life, I feel very connected to my fellow Americans. In a sense, we're all thinking of each other today. Maybe that's at least something positive. I feel I've lost innocence today. PS: The President just landed in Omaha.

The World Trade Centers have been hit by commercial airlines. The Pentagon is on fire. No one knows who or why, but America is being attacked by something. I feel like crying.

Domesticated last night. Made apple crisp and salsa. Not necessarily to be eaten together.

Back to the ol' roller coaster. My life. It seems that if only I could put some sort of barrier between my head and my heart, I'd be ok. Cold and unfeeling, but ok. Nah, I kind of like how I am, except lately my moods have seemed a bit unpredictable. I guess I should catch up from last Thursday... Friday was typical. I once again played Bunco and left the party with the top prize. Who knew my hidden talent was rolling dice?! The best part of the night, however, was the big thunderstorm! I love those. absorb. Saturday, Lathen and I rose and shone at 8:30 to join all the die-hard Husker fans (of which we are not the "die hard" but just the ordinary variety) at the stadium for a live broadcast of an ESPN Sports something-or-other. We even donned red attire for the occassion. And, yes, the University of Nebraska did break the college attendance record. I guess that was the goal. Lathen worked from 12 to 12, leaving me with no other option than to, you know, go out with my friends and drink before, during and after the Nebraska/Notre Dame Game here in town. It was a very exciting day. As I walked to Barry's to meet my friends, the traffic was so that for a split second I was reminded of the streets of NYC. Then I realized that the streets I was walking on were actually garbage-free and I could feel the sun on my face as opposed to the shadow of a skyscraper. Regardless of the excitement, however, I drove home in sadness, realizing that I was not really as happy as I must have appeared to all the drunken people I was around that night. I recognized right then that by spending every weekend this way I was doing more harm than good. As I have said on numerous occasions - I'm not 22 anymore. Gone are the days of singledom and that's good. Please don't get me wrong, I'm all for the occasional drunkfest, but I'm burnt out. If I'm to continue with this pasttime, I at least want my partner to be there with me, to hold me up as I stumble down the street, or vice versa. I miss Lathen on these nights. The fact that he's not there but always working is getting harder for me as I wish for a more meaningful life. Luckily, and as if the universe heard my cries, Lathen walked through the door within minutes of my arriving home; and after a long heart-to-heart, I slept more a bit more content than I expected. Sunday turned out to be another ride on the emotional choo-choo for me. We took the dogs to my mom's farm to run and, sitting on the deck I.., well, I quite simply burst into tears. And when my mom sat beside me and asked what was wrong, all I could reply was "I don't know". She figured it was hormones. Maybe she's right. My brother and sister (and their signifs) also witnessed this scene. Don't worry about them, though, they've grown to appreciate all my moods; and I think they still kind of like me most of the time. I've always been the proverbial "sensitive child". I was ok after I ate lunch. Hmmmmm. So... to make a long weekend short, I was in and out of sanity.. I laughed, I cried, but you better believe I survived.

You'll be happy to know that I started in on my walking practice again last night, walking 3.5 miles. Hey, it's a start. I walked down to Linens 'n Things to check out their curtains. (I'm really needing to practice the proverbial "out with the old, in with the new" philosophy in my new house!) Unfortunately for me, I not only found THE perfect curtains, but also several other household necessities that I simply MUST have. My God! I'm starting to sound like a girl! Luckily, I had no money on me (I was on a walk!) so they'll have to wait. I sashayed home with my head full of all the endless, decorating possibilities I could achieve if I only had the time and money. This mortgage thing is seriously limiting my monthly coinage glut! I'm thinking of taking a second job. You know, just in case I ever need to buy a new shirt or something! At the time, I thought putting all my money in investments was a good idea. Ah, the perils of diversified portfolios and their damn 5 year waiting period! I really don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to money and investments. I just know I have some, locked away for 5 years! I just like saying diversified portfolios. It just rolls of the tongue, wouldn't you say?

I now feel semi-completely (huh?) over my "bad patch" and ready to be Me again after a night spent tending to my house and yard. I did all the fun things... watered the garden, picked tomatoes, weeded the plants around my big tree. Then, to top off the night, I did dishes and laundry. All that and I refrained from even one glass of wine! I have to say it was pretty therapeutic. I even spent some time cleaning out the garage! But once I did settle down on my big couch, I spent some time dreaming and planning for my future goals. The one thing that is most clear right now is the fact that I have to begin some type of personal enrichment. I'm simply not content going to work every day and coming home every night just to sleep and repeat the same thing the next day. Quite frankly, and although I really do enjoy my job, it isn't enough. I need more in my life for it to be truly fulfilling. This, again, may be another reason for my recent blahs.

So now the elevator-fixers are at it again in the hallway, making a lot of noise. It is very important to have elevators that are fixed, as opposed to not fixed. I shall continue later...

So I still haven't figured out what, exactly, has been bothering me, but I am happy to report that I am feeling much more at peace. The whole reason I started Brainsponge (refer to entry no. 1) was to help myself squeeze out the negative feelings in my life that don't belong to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I still tend to absorb all the wrong energy from people and my recent "to-myself" feelings may be the result. I've been doing some reading on psychic energies and have discovered the term "psychic vampire". This term refers to those who unknowingly zap your energy and leave you feeling exhausted and drained. Well, I have figured out that I am either a victim or suspect of this behavior, but I can't figure out which. In one of my low points last weekend, I wrote this poem. Reading it now, it seems a bit "boo-hoo, feel sorry for me", but that really wasn't my intention. I guess I was feeling robbed of something and completely desperate to lift the shroud of doom that blanketed my soul at the time. What do you think...

ODE TO MY SOUL
part i
I've searched to find my own good worth
Once found, I opened to share
Only to be robbed by the void and the blind
For my good soul - not a care

By God, I'll live my life with meaning!
Just as soon as I know what it is
Until that day when the meaning is clear
Something, always, amiss

So I'll long to ease my discomfort
I'll continue to feel unequipped
For it comes and goes like the seasons
Inside, o inside, i'm ripped

Go on, take what you will from me
Nothing? Something? All?
I've tried, but can't make perfection
I'm exhaused, enlightened, appalled.