Off to the Hockey game tonight and tomorrow... Lathen and I are flying away to Cleveland for the Browns/Titans game and who-knows-what. Spongelessness til Tuesday. Until then...

I entertained once again last night. First, best-friend-Nicole stopped by for what was supposed to be a quick little guitar strumming session, but ended up a much-needed talk about our lives, both past and present. We drank 2 bottles of wine, which always helps in self-disclosure. Later, Tammy, Tracey and Kristal stopped by. We drank some more wine, all but depleted Lathen's beer stash, and did Maui shots, for God's sake! Right on my living room floor. It was great. We laughed a lot, gossiped, bitched and, yes, more self-disclosure. But the hilight of the evening was when Nicole and I played our rendition of "Amazing Grace" on our guitars. What a touching, yet hilarious moment. The general consensus at the end of the night was that this shall now be a weekly event. I say if we stick to that plan, we'll all be better women.

C.Leigh stopped by for a couple hours last night. We drank wine by the big Christmas tree and played a constant game of fetch with Shae. She's addicted to rubber balls. Wouldn't you know, the minute C. left, she laid down to sleep. Sam, that's the other one, sat contentedly with me on the couch pretty much all night. I think he was following the conversation quite nicely. His only addiction may be my underwear. That sounds bad: you know what I mean! I love my dogs.

Last night's post-counseling work-out = sweat and thought. Reality can be a wonderful thing once you understand it. Lathen joined me at counseling last night. We discussed all the important things: jobs, friends, money, TRUST. The interaction between Lathen and I at counseling is amazing. I think couple's therapy should be a law. This is why I will never, ever win a seat in the senate.

So I lied. I had a half turkey sandwich (no mayo) and a salad for lunch. Not cotta-chee and apples, but still quite dietish. God, I hope this doesn't turn into a diet journal!

Happy Thanksgiving. I know it's a few days late. Unfortunately, I only get a chance to sponge at work because I am afraid my computer at home is dying a slow, painful death. My girlfriend, Cami, will be visiting at the end of December and has promised to assist me in my next big purchase - a laptop! I may be able to write a bit, but my knowlege of computers and the functions and abilities of online publishing is nil. Cami has also been working on her novel and, I have to admit, has inspired me to do the same. I have always wanted to do that. Of course, I'll keep you posted. In other news, I have spent the past 4 days forming a close, personal relationship with my couch. With the exception of Sunday, when Lathen and I raked the yard, put lights on our house, bought the most beautiful (i think so anyway) pine tree, and decorated same, there has been nothing but relaxation and food for this body. On the positive side, I feel totally refreshed, anew and, yes, full of holiday spirit. Negatively, I have an additional 5 pounds to lose. As I have said so many times in the past, diet starts today. My plan: I will work out for 1 hour every night and eat nothing but cottage cheese and apples. HA!

I love going to counseling. Last night our discussions took on the form of my attractions and my dreams. (babies don't always mean babies). My counselor, I'll call her Jan, seems to think my personality may sometimes jade my view of reality. She can say that because she is the same type. I can just feel myself growing each time I step out of a session. We're working towards reality. In a way, I hopes I ne'er arrive.

Feeling like myself today, for a change. I spent a quality evening last night (after the fiasco that was my eye dr. appointment) at home, laundering, dishing and, finally, relaxing in a candlelight bubble bath, complete with white zin, of course. Nothin better. I actually received two telephone calls, each from a pretty important friend in my life right now, talking about nothing really. Lathen was home early (11:30) and I was able to enjoy falling asleep with another human in the house. It's amazing, really, those little, normal things. I probably wouldn't enjoy them so much if they were typical for me.

I've written a bit recently about my weekend escapades at Sidetrack. Just discovered their webpage. I'm thrilled!

The Stages of Know

From doubt ???
of what you're getting
what you want
what you need
and especially the doubt of what you know

From imagining ...
you're someone else
somewhere else
better off than ever before
but heading where you dare not go

From fear +++
what if you're right?
what if you're wrong?
the road my dead end
can you find your way home?

From truth ---
simply this
you may
never know

From pain xxx
a feeling that
stretches down your insides
sometimes snapping back
only to be pulled down again
a slow, warm sensation

From comfort ~~~
the feeling once that pulling and stretching ends
your body awash with new ideals
new goals
new hope

From yourself !
What
You
Have
Is
What
You
Need

Check out Molly.Com. But what's in a name, anyway?

Drinks last night with C.Leigh. Gave perspective where perspective was needed. That, coupled with two counseling sessions in the past week, and my lastest literary conquest, reinforces my theory that I must continue to seek understanding and, most importantly, acceptance, of my thoughts, and especially, my feelings. I'll get there.

Reality as it is becomes the right view of the meditator. Thinking of it as it is becomes the right thought. Awareness of it as it is becomes the right awareness. Concentration on it as it is becomes the right concentration. Actions of the body and speech are then aligned to reality as it is. In this way the meditator develops and is fulfilled.
-Majjhima Nikaya
From "Buddha Speaks," edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston

Next goal: master meditation

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature."
-Sigmund Freud

Some think Freud a bit foolish. I think not.

A bit internal, I am. Lots of thoughts. Too many that writing about them seems insufficient. Also, my mind's images are absolutely dazed, but things are becoming clearer. To get myself away for a bit, I will make my very own specialized list of things that make me, Mollie, happy. This will not be forwarded to anyone as an instruction on life. This is my own.

Bettering myself (learning something new)
Being smiled at (people forget to smile)
When someone laughs (because of me)
When someone thinks (because of me)
Eating (unfortunately, this is right near the top, isn't it)
Drinking (sorry)
A tidy house (makes for more coziness)
When my cat touches my face with his paw (how does he know when to do that?)
Joyce & Paul (heard it all a million times, but I'll never tire)
Singing with Joyce & Paul (3 minutes of fame)
When Chelsie sings (my niece - nothing like a little girl's voice. She's always on tune)
When my grandma laughs so hard she cries (with her, it's an art)
Being alone with my mom (never happens)
Girl talk (it's a survival instinct, we're born with it)
New places (even if it is simply a street or road I've never been on)
Holding hands (hands were made to be held together - look at them!)
A good kiss (the ones you feel in your toes)
Hugs (big, strong ones)
Being touched (softly, anywhere)
A good book (talk about getting away for awhile)
Archy McNally (If he were real, he'd be mine)
Looking forward (can't wait to see what happens)
Reminiscing (can't let go of the past)
Photos (I admit, I like the ones with me in them)
Growing up (there's lots of good that comes with that, you know)
My siblings (how come they're so together when it seems I'm so often falling apart?)
Finishing a project (Completion!)

to be continued.....

Drink by Drink. Thoughts from Barrymores.....

Alone with my white zin. Man, that sounds like the pathetic mantra of a blissful alcoholic. The fact is this. I'm sad. Yes, I do feel like a pathetic, yet blissful alcoholic. Nice sentence. My creativivity has all but vanished and I'm blaming it on work. So tonight is not merely an excuse to cry in my drink, but also a celebration of sorts. I'm through with the crazy work-your-ass-off-to-get-caught-up routine that has encumpassed the past month and a half of my life. Now, its back to normal... I hope. Also, and did I mention, I'm blue. It may be because, once again my seasons are changing. I look at what I have and it doesn't seem like anything belongs to me. I often fail to understand that I'm a 27 year old woman, not a child. But I feel so much like a child. I want my dad. I want to hear his laughter, I want to feel his big, strong arms around me, I want to hear him say he loves me. If I could only have these things one more time, maybe I could leave this childhood behind and become an adult. But childhood is where he left me and I may be doomed to stay here. Until I find some way out, that is. I apologize, but these words are flowing as freely as the glasses of white zin that I plan on retrieving from my sweet waitress. And frankly, if I don't spill my heart in some way tonight, I may not make it. Yes, these words seem drastic, but you don't understand this brain of mine. So completely full of so much love and creativity. Creativity looking for an outlet and love looking for a vessel. 1st glass done. ***So I'm working out earlier tonight and and I could find nothing better to watch on TV than the Country Music Award show. Not good in my condition. Everything! Everything is a painful memory. Special guest - George Jones. Makes me think of Grandpa Gregory. Perhaps the closest thing to a human angel as I ever knew. His death was witnessed by all who loved him and as he lay dying in his bed, I also watched grandma as she witnessed his quietus. They were like salt and pepper, those two. A pair. He should still be here. I like to think everything happens for a reason and there is a positive effect from even the most drastic of tragedies. I still believe this. But his death continues to baffle me. The only good thing it caused was for me to see Jason (my then fiance) in his true colors. Where was he while I watched my grandad die? I think that was the night he was having a threesome somewhere. But it's my fault. After all, I had been too depressed to have sex with him myself. I guess that makes it ok for him. Now that was shitty, but what good came from it? I am now a stronger, bitchier woman. Comes in handy. Sometimes. Who was it that said "sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to". Second glass done. ***I picked up some pictures tonight; taken a month ago at Sidetrack. There's one of me and my friend Jen and who happens to accidently be passing through right behind me but a certain man, who will remain nameless, - the victim of a one-night-stand with yours truly about 5 years ago. Long and short, we met at Sidetrack, left together, made out in some alley before somehow driving back to his place for the usual fun stuff. Morning after. I gave him a fake number. Wonder if he remembers. He was nice. Honestly, I always meet nice guys. It just goes to show, "birds of a feather...". I don't know how I met Jason. Maybe the old adage "Fuckin' assholes need love, too" comes into play here. Or better yet, "insecure bitches get screwed". Ok, I made those up. Can you tell? I'm done with my 3rd glass. *** I've always said I have a 3 drink max. Where the hell is my waitress? The bar is getting more crowded. No one I know. No one seems to notice me; a damp-haired blonde scribbling maddly in this here journal, praying for another drink, oh, and a cigarette would be nice, too. Where is she?! Man I needed this. I think it's just one big squeeze. Oh, and now Dave Mathews is singing. Yes, to me. Must be off his new CD, the one I don't have. I told Lathen if I ever had a chance with Dave, I was going for it. Don't care if I'm married or whatever! To bad we couldn't have that agreement more often. I'd love freedom like that once in awhile. I'm sure he would, too, but no way in hell I'd let him have it. Double standard? Yes. My waitress is packing my cigarettes for me. She's cool. Big tip. Ok, what glass am I on oh yeah 4th done. ** Ist drag ** I'm not a smoker. But sometimes. And yes, sometimes I miss that pot. "It really enhances sex" I always used to say. You can thank Josh for that. He was my three month one-night-stand (his words) about 4 years ago. First orgasm with a man present, thank you.. He makes my happy list. And if I listed everyone, you'd be astounded. But now I love Lathen. Love him. He loves me, too. So much that sometimes, it scares me. He's my cowboy. Morals, personality, tall, dark, handsome, big penis. Too bad I rarely see him. To bad I've disappointed him so many times. Oh. and now they play George Michael!? At this point, I'm drunk. Thank God I'm alone. If anyone were sitting her with me, they'd be hearing all this through loud, slurred speach instead of reading it days later. and who knows what else. Oh well. I'm actually starting to feel better. I feel like singing a sad song. I used to write songs, you know. They're all in a trunk somewhere. Some of them aren't too bad. Sometime I'll share them with you. 4th glass done ***Time out for a cigarette. Some nice boy just asked me if I wanted to join him and his friends at their table. I politely refused. Nice of him to ask though. Well, I've been writing and drinking for 2 hours now. It's 11:00. I think I'll stop now, before I say any more. I'll leave you with this pathetic poem...

I am this and this is me
I may not be what I want to be

but when I'm not, what can I do
but take some time to be blue

for when I'm blue, my soul revives
it conjures up what's deep inside

I let it out, take comfort in
what's done is done
from here, begin

~Written on the spot for me by me~

Oh brother!!!