Woke up angry this morning and was happy about that. It means I'm entering another phase of this break up. I've spent the last week and a half in the first two stages: shock and hope. I've been blaming myself for everything, feeling unattractive, worthless and evil. This morning, though, instead of missing all those things I loved about Lathen, I was pissed off at everything he wasn't and led me to believe he was and because he is taking everything away that he said was mine. Maybe he doesn't mean to, but still... Yeah, I messed up - a lot. I did some unforgivable things, but damn it! That's what happens when girls like me are lonely, when you don't talk to us, don't want to touch us or make love to us. I feel like I was always myself with him. He knew how I felt, what I wanted, what I needed. I really believe I communicated these things to him. Effectively, maybe not, but I tried. But who was he? A tender-hearted soul, yes, but I think all he ever told me he needed was freedom to do as he pleased, but I wouldn't let him. No, I wouldn't let him when it hurt me, but only then. Is that too much to ask? But why did these things hurt me? This is what I must ask myself.

These lists could go on, so I will only post the top 10

I LIKE IT THAT I/AM:
Funny
Educated
Loving
Able to sing well
Progressive
Eager to learn
Not scared of growing up/growing old
Believe in a higher power
Believe in the stars
Believe there's potential in everyone

I KINDA WISH I WASN'T:
Insecure
Scared to be alone
Distrustful
So easily persuaded
So needful for attention
Fatherless
Chubby
Restless
Tempermental
Able to lose control

It's been practically a week post-break-up and as a good friend pointed out, I've made it through the toughest part. I've made progress. I found a nice apartment that will accept my cat and my washer and dryer. I will have to leave the dogs in Lathen's hands, but he does love them and I have faith they will be well taken care of. I will miss those little creatures more than anything. They were always there for me, every night. This whole thing sucks, but I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do. I do not want a man in my life whose reality is so different than mine. I'm realizing that what I want, my dreams and goals, make no sense to him at this point. In fact, I think they scare him. These importances? Family, education, stability, structure. His importances? Money, freedom, reckless abandon. Unless something changed, we were doomed. People don't change. I will continue to need these things and so will he. Sometimes love just ain't enough.

I will cut my spongelessness short today to write a bit about the tumultuousness of my life right now with the hopes of shedding some of the pressing sadness away. As I walked out the front door this morning, I stopped on the step and took a deep breath thinking -
"today is yet another 'first day of the rest of my life' ". As I focused on the smoke that was rising from my neighbor's chimney I also thought - "Tonight, I will sleep alone. There will be no call from Lathen at 2 a.m. telling me he is on his way home. Tomorrow, I will wake up alone." You see, Lathen and I have drifted apart and he, apparently being stronger than I, has forced yet another break up in my life. I'm angry that this had had to happen to me so many times. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. The sadness is overwhelming. But there are brief moments where I can feel the small flame of hope for a better future. One filled with happiness and love. The kind that doesn't go away. This is all I want.

I usually write quite soulfully when in turmoil, but I think I'm going to take a short hiatus from Brainsponge while I work through this particular difficulty. Just so you know, what follows is yesterday's horoscope. I'm wondering just how true it is...

There's no question, this has been a long time coming. But today the change you have been hoping for so long is likely to occur, Mollie. The enormity of the change may not be obvious, at least at first. But over time, you will look back upon the events of today and see just how pivotal they were. Keep your wits about you today, and seize any intriguing opportunity that comes along.

Shitty weekend. Don't feel like writing.

For all you ladies.. in case you wondered... what follows is an email from my friend, Charlie, in response to my question: "What should I get Lathen for Christmas?"

THE SECRET TO A CONTENTED MAN

I am sure you do these things already. Surprise him, let him know how special he is--not when he has done something already for you.(put a love note in his pocket, glove box or underwear drawer) spray a kleenex with your perfume and leave it on his visor. Small gifts leading up to a big one. Does he have a bike? Trips are good, a picture of a landmark, beach, golden gate bridge, snowy Mountain, (I got a car once-but she stole it back). Find out what meant a lot to him as a child and he doesn't have now- sports star autograph, baseball cards, Theres a ton of things--the biggie for me was/is something that takes me back to a special time with her, a ring, bracelet,(my bike that's in Tampa) special picture (no not that kind) mine was us and the seals at fishermen wharf in SF. I know you could do this, a special poem that tells him something he has never heard from you, framed so he sees it regularly. Heres another killer--no ferris wheels available, you need a friend with a camera (get out of the gutter) - 13th and O at noon with a gazillion People scurrying about, as you are standing on the corner among the masses, you take him in you arms and give him the longest,deepest, softest kiss that starts at his lips and ends minutes later shaking his toes. Your friend snaps the photo with all the people in the background. People do it all the time in bars, doesn't mean anything- 13th and O, noon, witnesses--that's a statement 8 X 10 glossy and its recorded for posterity. Every time you and he look at it-zowie. Sorry got carried away, too much testosterone.
If all else fails high heels, a different perfume and topcoat--and that's all. ...[omitted]... I think the holidays make me weird---yea it has to do with a woman.

I've contributed to my friend, Cami's, "Ode to Ex" week by submitting a few short essays entitled Weasel, Gearhead and Captain America. Check them, and many others, out at nutz'so.

So instead of the usual pajama party last night, the girls and I swung down to Sandy's for some elk creek and karaoke. A typical drunk night at Sandy's, I guess. I sang "Down So Long". And after I returned home and passed out, I dreamt of naked christmas lights and wine. ?

In response to yesterday's "hair blog", my dear, sweet friend, Mary, sent me the following email:

You silly girl . . . .
I've never seen you have a bad hair day in your life!
You have the disgustingly good luck of having sexy
hair. When your hair starts falling down, unlike
mine, which just looks messy and like I never brush
it, yours looks like you just stepped out of the
studio for the Playboy centerfold shot.
Geez, guys were always jumping over you like puppy
dogs when you started playing with your hair.
Would've made me sick, had I not been your loyal
wingman.
Better go, make sure the kiddo actually gets the
macaroni IN her mouth.
Love you!

Of course, that message made my day and, I'll admit, I posted it here for an extremely HUGE ego boost. But mostly to remind myself that even though I may think I'm not perfect enough, there are others who see beauty in their reality, and I should, too. Thank God for friends like her. And by the way, Mary is a tall, long-legged, skinny blonde and I've seen my share of "puppies" while out with her!

After a frustrating 10 minutes in front of the mirror this morning, this popped into my head as I drove to work.
You got to sing it.. blues style.. for it to sound good...

I wake up in the morning
wonder what the hell shall I wear
And then I look in the mirror
Take a good long look at my hair

My hair isn't quite falling
I put it up but it won't stay
I'm destined to have yet another
why-do-I-look-like-this-day

I've got the blues
the bad bad bad hair day blues....

Ouch. I've created for myself trepidation and limitation through an almost constant insistence on an impossible reality. That hurts.

Pajama Party No. 2 last night at Tammy's. I did not overdo it on the wine, but I did have to share a toke with good ol' Trude. It's been so long since I did that that I'm not even sure I succeeded. My contribution? I shared pictures and told tales of Cleveland. I won't disclose a majority of the other's conversation (top priority stuff), but there is some good news I can share... everyone got laid last weekend! Woo-hoo!

I miss Cleveland.

Continued.... Upon waking on Sunday, we made a speedy pack-up and lugged ourselves and our luggage downstairs to be driven to, finally, The Wyndham who would hold our luggage until after the game. We chose to walk to the game, it being only about a mile away. This way, we were part of the game crowd and the weather couldn't have been more perfect. Before entereing the stadium, we walked through a nearby parking lot full of Dawg Pound tailgaters who where there was much grilling, drinking and general pre-game frolicking. It was a different world. At the stadium, we finally found our seats. Being second row from the top, we were on top of the world and I loved the view; but all the stair-mastering I've been doing didn't even come close to preparing me for the trek up those stadium steps. My calves still ache! Unfortunately, the Browns lost pretty big and most fans had left by the end of the game; but we, along with the die-hards next to us, endured. On the positive side, we had no crowd trouble when leaving and we were able to spot our friend, Chuck, on the field; further proof that he was who he said he was. A quick trip to the gift shop and we headed to the Wydham. Once again, there was a reason for the unfortunate over-booking because we were rewarded with the honeymoon suite at no extra charge, complete with a complimentary cheese tray for our troubles. This room was amazing, being circular with at least 12 big floor-to-ceiling windows surrounding the bed. We were pleased. After showering and changing we dined at the Windsor and decided to spend the remainder of the night in our room. Could have been a lot more romantic if we both weren't so tired and stuffed. We awoke early the next day for a quick trip through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. After a nice lunch at the hotel, we boarded our shuttle and were off to the airport. We arrived home safely at 8:00 last evening and were happily greeted by our dogs. Although we both hate to admit it, we really missed those little creatures. Little bro, Levi, had been our house/dog sitter all weekend and it was amusing how much evidence he left from the apparent party he hosted there. Yeah, it was funny until I discovered someone had drunk all my vodka and most of my Maui. Lathen's beer stash was completely depleted, as well has his Southern Comfort and Crown Royale. I won't even tell you what I found in the bedroom! Squeeze!!!!

I've returned. Even though, and if you close your eyes you can imagine, I have stacks and stacks of files on my desk, I just couldn't really begin reality again until I wrote about my weekend. Lathen and I had an amazing time in Cleveland and I will attempt to jot the highlights. Our flights were uneventful with the exception of being a victim of a random body search. And yes they were quite thorough, but did ask permission for each place they touched me. Not used to that! Upon finally reaching The Wyndham, they regretfully informed us that they had over-booked for the night and would be shipping us off to the Embassy Suites. Disappointment. The Wyndham is a very classy joint and I chose it for that reason. Being, in all actuality, two farm kids, I always want our travels to be "spare-no-expense" type things. On the positive side, we did stay for free at the Embassy Suites and we had a full suite. Really could't complain too loud; especially since the old, rich ladies in front of us, who - heaven forbid - had to endure our same fate, were doing enough bitching for all four of us. We didn't spend too much time in the room. I, once again, donned my sparkly jeans, Lathen spruced up as well, and we headed to The Flats. Cab driver, a Russian whose family is here courtesy of the Green Card Lottery, was very helpful in dropping us off at a suitable location to begin our night of intended debauchery. First stop, Dick's, where the first person we saw was a big, goofy, ray-romano-looking guy seated at the bar who offered, very loudly, to buy us beers in celebration of the victory of Tennessee over Florida State. My first impression of this guy was, "what the hell?". He was loud, obnoxious and, obviously, quite drunk. But free drinks - ok, I'll tolerate. It was my plan to grab the drinks and run, but Lathen, being a friendly guy, immediately began a conversation with, who we later learned to be, Chuck. Chuck claimed to be a writer for The Knoxville something-or-other, in town to cover the Titans/Browns game. I, at first, thought there was no way a guy like this could be gainfully employed, but he had the credentials to prove it. After a few drinks on my part, he ended up being a lot of fun and we spent a couple hours at Dicks yukking it up with Chuck and the hilarious bartenders. I laughed a lot. Then we were off to "The Blind Pig" (ie: Iguana's with a really good band with brass!!!) where we danced and made friends with a few members of the infamous NYFD, and watched in horror as Chuck fell right on his ass into the brass ensemble! We then made a quick departure and headed next door to "The Velvet Dog" (ie: Banana Joe's) for more dancing and witness to Chuck's continued failure to pick up women. Lathen and I danced and danced and danced. We were good! Chuck disappeared. I hoped he found a suitable companion, but odds are against that. As those of you who know me can surely understand, I was soon feeling most ravenous and in need of victuals and we left the dance club, sweating, to begin our search for same. We were directed by a helpful young lad to Panini's for a sandwich. These sandwiches were about 8 inches think (really!) and contained the coleslaw and french fries right there between the bread. How convenient! and my favorite part of the evening - Lathen found some roses and presented them to me. This is a note to myself - readers will not understand this significance. With our buzz still on and our bellies full, we began a leisurely stroll and ended up at The Metropolitan. A classy place where we sat by the window, drank wine and slowly relaxed. After one glass, we returned to our room. Our Saturday was not yet complete, but I will cease in my explanations now. Oh boy. I should return to work, but I haven't even started on Sunday. I will post more later.