Yes, I'm still here... Here I sit, my last day of work for 8 weeks. I'm a little nervous in an excited sort of way (does that make sense?). My maternity leave starts on Monday, even though I'm still not sure if I will be induced that day or not. Either way, I feel as if, mentally and physically, I cannot handle work anymore. Not that it's such a hard job, but just because my mind is so far away. In fact, I kinda hope to have Monday to myself, there are a lot of things around the house that I can do to prepare. I think it's time to dust and vaccuum again, and my office needs some attention. But enough about that.

Christmas was wonderful. It just happened to be the best Christmas of my adult life. That is, looking at it as being the first in a long time where I was actually emotionally healthy and happily content. Christmas Eve found Mike and I in attendance at the 4:30 service at Southwood Lutheran church. We thereafter traveled to Omaha for a wonderful prime rib dinner with his family at his sister's. We awoke Christmas morning and spent a little "quality time" together in bed, afterwards opening our gifts to each other, and then making ourselves ready for Christmas with my family at mom's. It was a great day, a perfect Christmas.

But as the clock ticked past midnight that evening, I awoke for my usual trip to the bathroom and noticed my back was aching. I was kinda excited because I thought maybe I was going into labor. I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, waiting for contractions and not sleeping. As you can imagine, when Mike suggested that we both play hookey the next day, I immediately agreed. We slept in, made a trip to Scheels for Mike to spend his Christmas money at his favorite store and went to the mall for an exchange. The mall was crazy crowded and by the time we left, I was exhausted and my back was hurting even worse. I spent the rest of the day and night with a heating pad on the couch. I did actually have two real, painful contractions, but they did not continue. Aaarrggh!

So t-minus 8 hours and counting. I'll be frreeeeee... kinda...

had a little nervous breakdown last night... It's been awhile since that's happened, but I guess that's the type of thing that is bound to happen once in awhile. I will set up my day for you.

It began at 4 am when I awoke from sleep. I went to the bathroom for the 8th time that night and returned to my empty bed. It was empty, you see, because poor Mike has been resorting to sleeping on the couch due to my incessant snoring. It's embarrassing for me to admit, but it's become quite the problem for the last few months, resulting from the 30 pounds I've gained, the constant stuffed nose and the inability to sleep on my stomach. So I lay in the bed, alone, and I began to think. Of course I think about the baby. I think that I am now overdue and wonder why that bothers me so much. I figure out it is because I was so determined to have a daughter by Christmas, and now it is looking like that will not happen. Not a big deal, but frustrating. I got caught up in that expectation thing that I try so hard to avoid because I KNOW what it does to me. It causes frustration breakdowns. So I rationalize my way through that, my only comfort coming from knowing that I'm scheduled for induction on December 30. At least I can be sure of something, right? (another expectation: can you see where this is going?)

So I continue to think about things. I miss my husband and I want him in bed with me. I begin to miss making love like we used to. Ever since about the 7th month, pregnant sex has been unappealing to me. The positions are limited and things just don't feel the same. I want to feel Mike close to me, but he can't get close because, literally, the baby is between us. So this starts to make me sad and, again, my only comfort comes from the expectation that I will be done by the 30th at the latest!

At this time it is about 5 am. I go get Mike from the couch and ask him to come to bed. Having him there was comforting and I began to feel better, yet I still couldn't sleep. But you guessed it, about 10 minutes before the alarm was scheduled to ring, I fall asleep.

At work I was greeted with the all too familiar, "are you still here?" I'm getting wary of that statement. I know everyone is anxious, but no one as anxious as I. I'm self-conscious, tired of being noticed as "still pregnant", just plain tired of being pregnant. I grin and bear it because, yeah, only til the 30th, right?

Mike picked me up in the afternoon for our midwife appointment. Joanne is gone for the week and we will be seen by Carol. First of all, I've gained 3 pounds since last Wednesday. But some good news is that Macy has rolled over and is posterior on my left side, which is supposed to be the perfect place for her to be (she's been on the right for awhile and I've been doing exercies to move her). I wanted Carol to say something like, "looks like you're in labor, let's go to the hospital." But no. And here's the topper... We ask her to confirm with the hospital that we're scheduled for induction on the 30th and the hospital doesn't have us scheduled. We're not sure if Joanne forgot, or changed her mind, but either way, now we don't know what's going on. We were instructed to call Monday morning to find out. So my ray of light has been smothered, my expectation quashed. I'm so scared now that we'll call Monday and be told we can't get in for a week or something. I'm just so fed up, frustrated and tired and my only comforting, stable thought has been that scheduled induction on the 30th. I know, I'm being a big baby. There are so many things that could have gone wrong. I've been happy, healthy and I'm down to the last few days, regardless. Again, it's those damn expectations that I can't seem to get rid of.

But at this point of the day I'm still quite calm. I go back to work, but am admittedly depressed for the rest of the afternoon. It doesn't help that I have absolutely nothing to do. When 5 finally rolls around and I'm driving home, I should have known something wasn't right with me because one of my favorite songs was on the radio, and I turned it off. But I finally arrive home to my wonderful husband and, you guessed it, one little harmless, meaningless conversation with him about post-pregnancy weight loss sends me into a fit of tears that didn't stop for hours. I thought I had them under control and we headed out the door to our final childbirth class, but three blocks away, I squeaked out that I didn't want to go. Mike immediately turned around and drove home. Once inside, I ran to the bathroom to bawl. The thought of going to class and being asked questions and being looked at... I knew I'd lose it.

But Mike was there and he took care of me. He held me as I cried and prepared a fire in the fireplace while I showered. We lay on the couch and talked for hours. We opened the gifts in our stockings, because, as Mike put it, that's the benefit of being an adult, you can do what you want. We saved the big ones for Christmas day, of course, but after all that, it turned out to be a wonderful evening... that is, after my breakdown ceased.

So here we are, Christmas Eve. I'm much better today. I'm not expecting anything from this little, stubborn baby, except that she come out when she's ready. I feel like such a clod when I think about how silly this is. I think about my dad, who went through years of pain dying from cancer, who never complained. I think about my mom, who had 5 kids, I think we were all late, and she never complained. And I think of all the people who want to have a baby and can't, or who lose their babies to miscarriage or some other tragedy, and here I am, breaking down because of impatience and frustration. I'm such a jerk.

On that happy note, I want to wish all reading a great holiday. Rest assured I will begin to write of other things besides being pregnant, most likely motherhood, after all this is over. I hope to keep my readers entertained and will try not to be an annoying mom-writer. We'll just see. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

click here... to check out Cami's new website. She has been working on it for a long time and I think it's awesome. I'm so proud of her.

There's good news, and there's disappointing news... The disappointing news: I'm barely 1 cm dialated. The good news: I'm 90% effaced. This means two things: I'm barely 1 cm dialated and I'm 90% effaced. In other words, this really means nothing. I could go into labor tonight, or it could be another two weeks. Joanne did go on ahead and schedule me to be admitted to St. Elizabeth on the 30th to be induced... just in case she hasn't made her way out by then. I feel better knowing there's some sort of schedule and my big belly time is almost done. Plus, with Christmas next week, I have so much to look forward to, it should go fast.

And on that note, just in case I'm not able to post in the near future... Merry Christmas to all!!

No matter what, the time is drawing ever nearer, every day... Yesterday was a physically painful day. I'm having more and more contractions, but these feelings are frusterating and confusing. Some of them feel short and sharp way down in my lower belly and in my crotch area. They make make me stop dead in my tracks and take my breath away. I'm glad they don't last long. But ther are others that feel like strong menstrual cramps and last for several seconds, making me feel either like I need to poop or throw up (sorry for the graphics, but it's important for self-documentation). Both feelings cause my stomach to become rock hard, another uncomfortable feeling. I was sure yesterday that I would never make it through the night, but the minute I laid down in bed, everything felt fine. I slept great, waking only three times to pee. I have had a few of the sharp pains today, but nothing bad. I'm anxiously awaiting the appointment with the midwife in exactly 50 minutes. She'll surely shed some light on what's going on here. I will post more after the appointment.

what to say?.. My posts here have sure been slacking. I really do have a lot of sponging going on, but just not the focus to write about it, which is bad. My life is going on as usual and I'm feeling as if I'll be pregnant for longer than anticipated. Just impatience? We'll see. Both Mike and I have been inundated with advice on how to stimulate labor, everything from walking to shopping to sex. And we've done a little bit of everything. I am convinced, however, that nothing we do will make it happen before it's supposed to. She'll come into this world exactly how she's planned to and I'm ok with that. I'm just anxious to meet her, see what she looks like and hold her.

The weeks have been flying by and I'll get off the pregnancy subject already! Let's see. My Christmas shopping is done, presents wrapped and they were under the tree until Truman the Visla dog decided to unwrap one. Now they are placed neatly in the guest room. The stockings are hung on the fireplace. I've never had that before. Such a nice thing. Our house and our neighbor's were mentioned in the Saturday paper as one of the "houses to see" on your tour of christmas lights this year. I'm so proud. They really do look great, you should drive by and see them.

I finished my Clinical Assessment class last week, finally handing in my paper on Couple Assessment tools in therapy. It was an interesting paper, but I have to admit my heart and mind wasn't fully in it at this point in my life. Funny how I had a few other things on my mind, so much else to think about and be excited about.

So as you can tell by this terribly-written post, I'm not fully inspired to write these days. But in a nutshell, this is pretty much it. I'll keep trying...

Telephone call from God... The phone rang at 3:30 this morning. When we didn't answer, it rang again. There was no one there. The caller id said the call was coming from the Cathedral of the Risen Christ. Wonder why God was calling at that hour?

suspended silently in mid-air... This pregnancy thing is not at all like I expected it to be. I want to feel something. But I feel so totally normal, except for the big, round belly in front of me. I suppose that's good, but I'm ready for something, even if it is pain, just so I know that I can soon hold my daughter. Maybe I still need proof that this is all real. It's kinda like how I feel on airplanes, when the turbulance actually calms me because it is only then that I feel like I'm flying and not just suspended silently in mid-air. That scares me. So it seems a little as if my life is on hold right now, not to start again until I can re-claim my body and Macy can "become"...

I hope to gather some creative energy soon so I can be better at this Brainsponge thing. Soon, I'll be writing of the miracle of birth.

my husband is outside, putting up christmas lights... Sometimes, I'm still amazed that I can say that. It was nice spending my first holiday as a married woman. On Thursday we went to my mom's to feast. Of course, I forget that my stomach is smooshed up and I can't eat as much as I'm used to, but I managed to eat a few small meals instead of one big one, thus, I was pretty much grazing all day, as most people do. You would think that Friday would find me full, still, but Mike was up at 5:30 a.m. beginning to smoke a turkey for the feast we were preparing for his family and I rose at the ungodly hour of 6:00 and began preparing a new chocolate walnut cookie recipe and other general preparations for company. They came down early in the afternoon to watch the Huskers lose and we filled up again on the traditional thanksgiving victuals. But as wonderful as the past two days were, it was nice waking up this morning with my husband and setting off to the store for more christmas lights. It was a beautiful feeling to know that I was embarking on the Christmas season happy, loved and in love, with still more love growing in my belly. So as I sit here now, Thanksgiving come and gone, I'm thankful for many things. The happiness I feel, the family I have and love and the anticipation of my growing family, but most of all, for making it to this place in my life, considering all of wrong turns I've made along life's road. So I thank God, Fate, the stars, Karma, whatever it is that gave me so much. Personally, I think it may be a bit of all of those.

flipped... Mike and I went to the midwife today and found out that Macy's back in vertex position, the smart little thing. I had been feeling a lot of big movement so I was hopeful that this was the case, but a little nervous going in today. The fun part was we got to have another ultrasound to confirm Joanne's hunch that she switched. The ultrasound wasn't as clear to me as the first one, almost 4 months ago, but after confirming her position (yes!) Missy the ultrasoundist (not really a word, but you know what I mean) showed us around and we got to see that she has lots of hair and is really good at sucking her thumb. We also confirmed that she was a girl when we were shown her cute little labia. I feel better now that I probably won't have to go through the trials and tribulations of an extra version and/or cesaerian section. Although, I am getting a bit nervous because, theoretically, I could go into labor at any time now...

I know I should catch you up on the past week and a half, but for some reason I'm not in the writing mood. But for self-documentation purposes, here is the boring, to-the-point catch-up:

Wednesday, November 20 - Had lunch with my friend, Julie, at Grisanti's.
Friday, November 22 - Went to Hockey game with Mike. It was a great game and I got to see 2 good fights. Mike bought me a John Snowden pin to wear!! He's my favorite little hockey-player-guy.
Saturday, November 23 - My cousin, Sharla, was in town from KC and Mike and I took her to dinner at Lone Star. She is 16 weeks pregnant, but is thinner than ever, still wearing her normal jeans with a belt! She looks great and I'm excited that we'll both be mommies together. If only I could get her to move back to town...
Sunday, November 24 - Mike's sister held another shower for me in Omaha. Mike drove me, mom, grandma, sisters and nieces up and while we showered, he spent QT at the sporting goods store with his dad, brother-in-law and nephews. The shower was nice and I got to meet a few members of Mike's family that I hadn't met before. My mom, grandma and sisters got me the quilt I wanted for the Crib. Yea!
Monday, November 25 - I was crabby
Tuesday, November 26 - I did homework all day at work, had class that evening, and was still a little crabby, but getting over it.

wow... Has it really been 20 days since I last sponged? I realize now it is easier to write when I'm going through turmoil, and thankfully, my life has taken on a new, happy and content quality that makes it so easy to get up and simply live every day. But let's see, what has happened in the last 20 days?

On Saturday, the 9th, Mike and I spent the day cleaning windows, blinds and screens. I didn't work as hard as he, well, I suppose I never do, but on that particular day it was mostly because I began feeling really bad in the afternoon. I had really bad cramps, slight nausea and a general feeling of ickiness. It was as if I was menstruating again! I wandered from room to room, trying each chair and bed for a comfortable place. A hot shower helped momentarily. The next morning however, I awoke wondering if this pregnancy thing was all a dream. I felt great, had no trouble rolling out of bed, and seemed to be walking better. I literally felt as if I was a different shape. Was the baby just settling? We would find out later in the week at our appointment with Joanne that all that activity was in actuality, little Macy turning around. She is now in the breech position, the little stinker. She's been vertex the whole time!!! So now what? We will give her some time to move on her own, but if not, we will be scheduled for an external version (I think that's what it's called). Heard mixed reviews on those. Could be painful, maybe not?

In other news... I made it through my big presentation. It went well except for the fact that it was quite hot in the room and I'm having difficulty breathing anyway. So needless to say, I stood before the class, face red from "all attention on me" (happens every time, no matter how comfortable I am) and from the heat; plus, I was out of breath virtually the whole time. Ted, the man who sits beside told me he was worried about me and did I feel good. I just laughed as I explained to him the downfalls of public speaking while pregnant (at least for me). I'm so proud of myself for not taking that personally or being embarrased or feeling stupid. That same night, we had a statistics test. As I started in on it, I realized I didn't study quite as well or as appropriately as I should have. I was praying for a C, but ended up getting a B+. Happy about that.

Otherwise, an uneventful week. Mike attended "Deer Camp" with my brothers/cousins/uncles this past weekend. I missed him. I went to Marz on Friday night with Trudy, Tammy and Tracey. Saturday, I had lunch with Nicole, christmas shopped for Mike (successfully, i might add) and spent the rest of the day on little projects around the house. I painted a couple pictures for Macy's room, began filling out the baby book and the wedding book, and painted two shelves in the kitchen. It was kinda like old times, being home alone and finding so many things to do. Notice I didn't say the good old times. It made me really appreciate my new life, and feel sorry for the lonely way it used to be.

Preparation... We finally managed to swing a childbirth class into our schedules. We thought we were going to have to settle for Lamaze, but at the last minute, the doula who holds the class we originally wanted called and said she'd meet with us one-on-one Monday nights. I'm happy about that. She seems to know a lot, and comes at it from a totally different angle. We learned exercises and relaxation techniques, as well as some intresting nutritional aspects of pregnancy.

Other than that, I'm also beginning preparation for my presentation next week at class. It is on projection testing in counseling. I'm really excited about it, but am getting anxious because I haven't even started to get materials. Like I said, today I will begin my preparation. Probably should start by reading the chapter, huh?

Quick notes on the weekend... Friday night we went to the hockey game. It was a great, fast-paced game and we ran into Jen and Matt, which was nice. It seems like, well, I actually don't spend any time with friends these days. My days and nights are so busy, plus the holidays are coming up. I told Jen I plan on having a party this winter to re-acquaint myself with all my friends...

Saturday morning we cleaned like crazy. It was just time to do that. The bathrooms, kitchen, closets, you know... That afternoon, Mike went to the Gun show with my brother, then we went out to niece Kensly's birthday party/hayrack ride. I must say it was a little cold, but fun. We headed home and, after a quick grocery shopping trip, we rented a movie and relaxed by the fireplace at home. I even had a glass of wine for relaxation's sake.

Sunday, Mike's parents came down for the afternoon. After showing them the baby's room and all the other work we've done to the house, we took them to the Branched Oak Inn for prime rib.

And I thought I had nothing to do this weekend.

May I?.. Can I brag a little? ok. I enclose an except from my "Professional Evaluation" written by my Psychopathology professor, and I quote...

"A friendly, confident, out-going graduate student, Ms. Boldt displays good abilityto analyze clinically presenting behavior and personality patters and arrive at sound conclusions regarding the nature and degree of dysfunctionality they may represent. She participates effectively in class discussion and relates well with other students. She is an academically capable student who has good ideas, a sense of humor and logical approach to psychopathology. Her capacity for continued graduate studies is excellent."

Out of all he said, I'm happiest that he acknowledged my sense of humor. But enough about me, then.

Crib Quest, 2002... After the carpet layer was finished Saturday morning, Mike and I went to Omaha in search of the perfect crib. We started at Nebraska Furniture Mart where we realized cribs aren't as cheap as you would think. The one I really, really loved was about $450 and we didn't want to spend over $200 if possible. We left and went to Toys R Us, where they had cheap ones, alright. Cheap in every sense of the word. It looked like those cribs may fall over if Sigmund the Cat were to rub up against them. Sears' cribs weren't bad, but I didn't want to settle. We stopped by a couple more places, but everything was either too expensive, or too cheap. We were at a point where Mike probably would have given in and paid for any crib I wanted, just to be done; but in a last-ditch effort, we stopped by Rod Kush. "Do you have cribs?" we asked the lady at the front desk, "Why yes," she replied as she pointed to the back of the store, "back in Kid's Stuff." With a little bit of hope we walked back to "Kid's Stuff." We hit the mother load. Once we found the one we wanted, we spoke to Frank, the Crib Connoisseur, who told us everything we will ever need to know about cribs, and more. "You won the trivia contest at your last company picnic, didn't you?" Mike asked him. It was funny. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, we found a beautiful crib and it is at this very moment placed in Macy's beautiful room, next to the beautiful changing table given to us by my grandma and aunts. On Sunday, we set up her dresser and put away all her clothes. The room is open for public inspection for anyone interested. We're ready.

snap, snap, snap... what you are hearing is my feeble attempt to "snap out of" my current unstable, hormonal condition. I think it started yesterday when a hamburger made me cry. Don't ask. Anyway, today seems to be going a little better, although it has been taking a lot of energy to keep my emotions in tact. As long as I can sit quietly and alone at my desk and concentrate on something fairly interesting, I'm fine. Personal interaction is iffy. It'll pass, it always does. In the meantime, send your support to poor Mike...

It's snowing and I'm not wearing any socks...

Uncreative weekend catch-up... Friday night my frient Mary and I went to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was a great movie and I laughed a lot. On Saturday, Mike and I painted Macy's room. The carpet-layers will come next Saturday for that final touch. It's exciting seeing the transformation. Even more exciting is the anticipation of crib shopping next weekend. That night we babysat the neighbor boys Kyle (8) and Drew (5). We took them to the new 3 in 1 McDonalds where we actually had to wait for a seat, then to Star Wars, Episode II. I loved this movie, too. I'm not exactly up on the Star Wars story line, but I could watch the special effects all day. Cool stuff.

On Sunday, Macy and I were properly coddled at a baby shower given by my aunts and cousins. My very first shower. I have to admit, it's a strange feeling being the center of attention, opening gifts and knowing your reactions are being watched by everyone, but it was so much fun having all my friends and family together in one room. We got a lot of cute little things, pink and purple outfits, toys, etc. The kind of things I probably shouldn't buy myself, but would have fun doing so. It was a nice girls' day. My sisters stopped by the house afterwards to check out the half-finished baby room. We sat around the table and talked babies, christmas, etc. while the three little nieces, Chelsie, Haylee and Emah, tormented Sigmund the Cat in the living room. Poor Siggy. He's not fond of children.

Yesterday (Monday) I had a severe case of the tireds, possible resulting from my Sunday night's poor sleep. It seems I'm having much more difficulty breathing these days, plus I can't seem to find a comfortable sleeping position. I want so badly to lay on my stomach, but can't. My due date is exactly 2 months away. I think the first thing I will do after she's born is sprawl out on my stomach; secondly, I will drink some wine....

Accomplishment... Took my Psychopathology final last night. It didn't seem very hard, so I wonder how bad I screwed up. Even so, I left feeling great. This was a true masters-level class. It was challenging and I feel like I learned not only the class content, but alot about myself; the strengths and weaknesses in my thinking. Most importantly though, I made it and it feels so good to have even this small step accomplished. As I handed in the test, the professor actually told me I did very well in the class.

So I happily walked to my car and drove to the mall to buy myself some new maternity clothes. I felt I deserved it, plus I have a baby shower on Sunday and wanted something new to wear. Of course, I spent way too much. I had to drive through Runza after that to fulfil a huge hamburger craving I was having. Much to my despair, there was quite a line at the drive-thru and I thought I would go die of deprivation waiting. That was a good burger... when I finally got it. After a quick trip to PetCo for dogtreats and catfood, and SuperSaver, I stopped by my little brother, Levi's, apartment to drop off some things. I hadn't seen his apartment yet, but I was quite impressed, as it was the epitomy of a bacherlor pad; appropriately messy, smelling of smoke with mis-matched furniture and some very nice girly pics adorning the living room walls. Little Levi is growing up. *sigh*

It was nice to finally get home last night. Mike arrived shortly after I did, returning from class. While I unwound in the bathtub, he sat with me in the bathroom and we had a great talk. This morning, I realize that I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. A complete, unscared, confident happy. It's so nice.

Nerd... Started a brand new class term last night - Clinical Assessment. It's one of those classes that confirms the fact that I really, really want to be in this field of study. I left in a better mood than when I arrived, despite it being 10pm and I was tired. Anyway, the basic premis of this class is psychological testing. We will study what test are out there, where to find them and how to use them. I have been assigned to present a chapter to the class on personality and projection testing and am actually really excited about that. I've come a long way since my public-speaking-phobia days. We ended the class by taking the Strong Inventory and will have the results next week. I love this stuff! Yes, I'm a nerd.

kickboxer... I'm sitting here watching my belly move. I've heard of this phenomenon from other mommies, but the experience is amazing.

my pride saved... a little... Turns out I didn't completely mess up last week's assignment, instead getting a B-, along with some good comments scribbled in red amongst the bad ones. I was happy to have passed, but I did hand in an extra credit assignment that I completed Wednesday night when I thought the mess-up was greater. Teacher seemed pleased. It's Friday. Yes.

Home again.... Mike and I returned from our official honeymoon last night. We headed out last Friday morning with an unknown destination. We literally flipped a coin to see which direction we would head - North. It was his idea to do it this way, stating it is representative of marriage... it's not about the ultimate destination, but in the road one travels. This is one of the things I love so much about him - his insightful, meaningful ideas. We kept flipping until we got a general direction. We were drawn northwest. I will attempt to provide a quick summary below, as I have a lot to do today, including re-doing an assignment from last week that I completely fucked up somehow. It was a missed diagnosis, I was way off.... Oh well, I need these types of things to knock me on my feet once in awhile and keep me challenged. Anywho, the wonderful weekend more than made up for it....

Friday... Like I said, we headed north, breezing through small town after small town, happy to be free of any itinerary or schedule. For lunch we stopped and had hot beef sandwiches in a small town whose name I have already forgotten. Stepping into the little cafe, it seemed we had been sent back in time. The waitress bore the likeness of the 70's version of my very own mother. She had glasses, long stringy dark hair and a timeless outfit, worn only by the small-town. She seemed unhappy, the type of woman who goes home every night to an ungrateful husband and 4 screaming kids. After serving us, she sat at the counter-bar, and quietly ate a slice of pie, choosing not to take part in the animated conversation of the older waitress and patrons. Maybe she was interested more in the listing of local events being broadcast by the local radio station.

Our bellies full, we continued northwest, not stopping again until we reached Valentine, NE. I had never been there before and I'll admit I was expecting something a little more substantial. We parked on Main Street and stepped into a large western store, smelling of leather. We got at true taste of the people of this town, everyone seemed dressed very western in boots and hats, the women wearing those cowgirl jeans that have no pockets on the asses. Leaving town, we drove through a state park to get a view of the Niobrara. I must admit it was beautiful this time of year with the leaves changing. We were in awe that we were still in Nebraska.

We continued north towards Rapid City, SD. On our way, we drove through Pine Lake Indian Reservation and made a slight detour to drive through notorious Whiteclay, NE, a one-block town whose basic purpose is selling alcohol to the constant flow of Pine Lake residents who travel the 2-mile stretch for that sole purpose. My biggest memory is of a woman stumbling out of a bar and sitting down on the curb, obviously very drunk. She had an ironic little smile on her face and looked as if she did not even know who or where she was. All along the dirty little street, people were everywhere, leaning up against the buildings. It was a cultural experience and left us both feeling a bit sad. Obviously, there are many, many great and successful American Indians and, besides the invasion of the white people, they have such a beautiful culture and history. But we didn't see that along our route through Pine Ridge.

After another few hours, we reached Hot Springs, SD. It was getting dark so we decided to stay there for the night. After checking out the town, we decided upon Comfort Inn, where we were lucky enough to snatch up the Executive Suite, complete with a very nice hot tub and big screen TV. So after checking in we had a wonderful dinner at Red Rocks Cafe, a quaint little restaraunt. It reminded me of larger-scale Jack's Bistro (for all of you Three's Company fans). They even had a live guitarist. Oddly enough, the first song he sang was "Fields of Gold" by Sting. I always thought that would be a good wedding song.

Saturday... Off to Rapid City. On our way out of town, we took a detour through a state park whose name I also forgot. About a mile into it, we saw a lone buffalo grazing right along the highway. What a beautiful sight. I've seen them before in zoos and parks, but never out on the prairie, free as a bird. We later saw a very large herd of them and another lone one on our way out. We also noticed tons and tons of little hills out on the prairie, which were the homes of the Prairie Dogs we finally figured out. Cute little things, we stopped and fed them pistacios. After stopping again to pick up some neat rocks on the side of the road, we finally made it to Mt. Rushmore. I had never been there before and was amazed at the beautiful scenery as we drove up the mountain. It really was everything I expected and more. In fact, I was expecting a simple carved mountain and was unprepared for the beauty that surrounded it. We spent some time and bought some taffy in a nearby town, very touristy but nice little shops.

We then drove into Rapid City, bought some walking shoes and headed off toward Deadwood, taking a tour of Sturgis along the way. Deadwood was wonderful, with Germanfest going on. We gambled, ate brauts, and simply walked through the little town. I usually hate casinos, but the ones in Deadwood were great. They were small, the smoke was tolerable, and there were no tired-looking waitresses in short skirts, In fact, Mike's drink was brought to him by a middle-aged man wearing jeans.

It was about this time when we decided to begin heading south towards Colorado. As we drove away from Deadwood and entered Wyoming, I asked Mike if we should get some gas. He thought we could make it to the next town, looked on the map to be about 23 miles, so off we went. I'm not sure what happened to that town, but we literally drove about 100 miles seeing approximately 5 houses and 1 intersection. And it began to rain. I must say I was a bit nervous. Mike kept assuring me we'd make it to Lusk, and we did, but we rolled into town on fumes. If there was a worst part of this trip, that was it. First of all, I get a little uncomfortable being away from civilization for that long and second, the gas thing. So after we filled up the tank, I took the wheel for the first time. It started out ok, but I think my hormones got the best of me as it got windier and the traffic got worse. I became the irritated driver and snapped at Mike when he commented on it. A bit humorous looking back, but not at the time. We didn't speak much for about 30 miles, but all was well once we got to Wheatland, WY and talked it out. We checked into a Motel 6, which was the most basic hotel room I have ever stayed in, lacking even a box of Kleenex, but don't get me started on that. I slept horribly that night.

Sunday... I awoke bright and early to shave my legs in the tub. Then we stopped at a gas station to purchase more gas, coffee for Mike and Vanilla Espresso for me. I forget sometimes that Macy ultimately ingests what I do. She was a little hyped up on that espresso for awhile. It was a short drive to Estes Park from there. We were lucky enough to be a part of the Elk Festival they had going on. We listened to some Indian Stories and an Elk calling contest there, strolled through town, ate nachos at a restaraunt atop one of the buildings and eventually headed into the mountain. We were lucky enough to see many Elk, first a couple, later a group of about 12, and eventually a large group of 26 grazing on the mountainside. On our way out of the park, we stopped to look at about 3 of them grazing along the roadside. We looked up and on the side of the mountain, we could see many more coming down, including a big, gorgeous buck. The herd literally walked right around our car and ran off into the woods on the other side.

Another full day coming to a close, we headed east and stopped for the night in Greeley, CO. We checked into a Country Inn & Suites, again requested their hot tub room which we were given and headed across the street to dine at the Texas something-or-other. At this point I was beginning to feel like I was close to home. After another great meal, we spent another wonderful night in our suite.

Monday... Interstate 80 and home...

Happy... I'm officially a married woman! We tied the knot on Friday night in a perfect, beautiful little ceremony with our families and my belly. I just loved everything about the whole day. I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep so I arose and made a couple omelettes for Mike and I. He was surprised when I woke him up with breakfast in bed. He left for some mysterious errands about 10 and I tidied up the house and tried on my dress to make sure it still fit. At 1 I had a hair appt. at Posh where Emily curled and upped my hair in record time (one hour). I then rushed to the mall where Christie applied my make up at the Lancome counter. The hard parts done, I returned home. The only thing I needed to do at that point was put on my red dress and my Grandma Boldt's gold and diamond choker. Mike suprised me with a beautiful tennis bracelet, the product of his earlier "errand". We then headed to Sterling, detouring only to stop by the cemetary where my dad is buried. I did not know Mike was going to take me there, but that just shows how thoughtful he is. We stood there looking at my dad's tombstone, both crying, but I felt better making him a part of that most important day. My best friend, Nicole, was waiting at the church and my sister, Beki, arrived a few minutes later to begin taking a number of pictures, more and more as our families arrived, before the little 10-minute ceremony. I will never forget the vows and how Mike looked as he spoke them to me. And I was both amazed and proud when I started out with strong voice and no tears. But towards the end of them I lost it as the tears and sobbing began. But it was what I expected all along. He kissed the bride and we were married.

After a few more pictures, we were off to The Family Pub in Burr, NE where my mom had reserved the back room for dinner. It was a sentimental place, as my mom and dad had their pre-nuptual dinner there 32 years ago. Dinner was nice and festive and I truly enjoyed myself. I felt truly happy.

We left the pub, the "just married" flag placed on the blazer by Mike's sister, Joan, waving. As we pulled into Lincoln, Mike took another unexpected detour, taking me to the top of a parking garage, a place where we have shared a number of beautiful moments, rolled down the windows, placed a brand new cd in the stereo and we danced to "Lady in Red" right there on top of Lincoln. So we did have a wedding dance after all.

Next stop, our suite at Embassy Suites... That's all you need to know about that.

Before our wedding day, I didn't think to send out invitations or any of that other stuff. I did think that we needed something to mark the occassion in our scrapbooks, thought. Mike and I wrote letters to our families and I think our words sum up not only the wonderful day, but all that has led up to it. What follows are those words...

Mollie Marie Boldt
and
Michael James Miriovsky
United Through Vows of Marriage
September 27, 2002
7:00 p.m.
By Pastor Doyle Karst
St. John Lutheran Church
Sterling, Nebraska
________________________________________________________

I could think of no better way to commemorate this day than through my words. Although written on this paper, they do little to convey the deep feelings of love and happiness that are truly in my heart and soul, but I will make my humble attempt.

As a girl growing up and even through my days as a woman, I have often dreamt of my wedding day. Those fantasies were mainly of my dress, my bridesmaids, the cake and the reception. Although I do still dream of these things, the events of the past months and all that has ultimately led up to this day has changed my perspective a bit.

Mike and I are here today to make a promise of love and commitment to each other. Knowing that I’m carrying a life inside me, a being made up of a bit of both of us, is what brought us to this day so quickly, but as the days, weeks and months have come and gone since Mike’s proposal on that beautiful day on the beach in May, I have come to realize that the only thing that really matters is that we are finally here. As an ending to a story you might not know, I’ve loved Mike for a very long time, first as a friend who took my heart and mind to places I never thought I could go, and now, ultimately and fatefully joined in this thing called marriage.

I need to thank you for being a part of this day. To my family, all that really matters is that you are here. I thank you for simply being you. You will never know how your presence has kept me looking up and moving forward. Thank you for your never-ending support and acceptance. You can finally rest assured I am happy.

And to my new family, I can’t thank you enough for accepting me, despite these unusual circumstances. You can be assured that I love Mike in the truest sense and the vows I speak tonight are not taken lightly.

Thank you for being with us tonight. I love you all. ~Mollie

******

I am sure that as parents you had many hopes and dreams for your children as they were growing up. I have to believe that finding their best friend, having a family, and living a long and happy life together was on the top of the list. Today, I realize that dream. I found my best friend, and begin my family.

There will never be enough time to thank my parents for all of their love and support. I also thank them for their patience and understanding over the past years. They have instilled the qualities that make me who I am today. Rest assured, that as I pledge my life-long commitment to my best friend Mollie, that I carry with me all of the valuable lessons that you have taught me since I was a child.

Mollie and I have chosen a road less traveled to get where we are today. These choices are a result of the love we share together. Though things have not occurred in the typical order, it does not diminish the unselfish love that I feel for her.

To Sandra and John I give you my thanks, and I give you my promise. My thanks for accepting me into your family and making me feel so welcome. I give you my promise that I will always treat your wonderful daughter with the love and respect that I would want for my own. I promise you that as Mollie’s father looks down from heaven, that his hopes and dreams for her will be fulfilled.

I thank all of you for being a part of this wonderful day. This is a day of celebration, a new beginning, a union of two people and the bonding of two great families.

Mike

I forgot to mention.... that my preliminary glucose tolerance test came back positive last week, which means I may have gestational diabetes. I have just returned from the second, more intense test this morning. I had to drink some super-sweet liquid and have blood drawn once every three hours. Apparently there are a lot of false positives with the initial test and only 15% of the second tests come back positive. I'm hoping to avoid this little complication, but will deal with it if I must.

have you ever seen a sloth in action?... That's about how this week is going. Slow. And I seem to be relating to the great and powerful Sloth in many other ways, as well, as the afternoon tireds are starting up again. My boss, Melissa, swears it's the little baby's fault, doing all that growing. Poor Macy, she gets blamed for everything. Although most of my little physical quirks of late are caused by the fact that she's growing in my belly, but still...

Actually, I've been studying most of the week for the midterm I took last night. And studying, after all, does not do much to make the clock tick faster, nor does it assist in one's feeling of excited wakefulness. But I'm hopeful it paid off because I have a somewhat positive hope that I at least got a B on the test. I'll find out next week. One day before I get married. That's right, I said one day before I get married.....

Otherwise, the week has been uneventful and happy. My heart has grown, my mind has grown and my baby has grown. But unlike my heart and mind, little baby proves it by kicking and squirming, (wouldn't it be wierd if our organs did that?). All is right with the world. I even slept really well last night for the first time in about a week. But I won't complain, for as Mike always says - it's always a good night when you make it through without a ventilator. I think that's medical humor, but even so, it's quite funny.

the story of the little, red dress... I awoke Sunday morning, very excited because I had planned on shopping most of the day. My primary goal was to buy a suitable dress to be married in. I also needed some bigger maternity clothes, including more underwear. So I set off, first stopping by Target for the underwear and more toothpaste. I ended up with quite a cartful there, including a whole new outfit. Then I was happily off to the mall. First to Motherhood. I was hoping that they might just happen to have some nice dresses in there, but they didn't. Unless you count the numerous black dresses that I liked. Please keep in mind that my initial thought for a wedding dress was to be something very simple, not formal. The simple black dresses were catching my eye, but they're just not suitable for the occasion. To ease my disappointment, I bought lots of other stuff. Then, off to JCPenny. The tough part about that place was that there was no maternity section. So I did the next best thing and went to the plus sizes. Again, besides the cute black dresses, nothing. Off to Sears, where a nice little white dress jumped out at me first thing. It had a jacket over it that I didn't like so much, but the dress underneath seemed, at least at first glance, alright. I took it and another similar dress to the dressing room and was astonished at how one dress can make someone look so hideous. Not only did I look huge, but frumpy and old as well. I quickly re-dressed and practically ran out of that dressing room. Back upstairs where I tromped down to Dillards. Cousin Christie was working at the Lancomb counter, so I chatted with her for a few minutes. Again, Dillards did not have a maternity section either, so she held my bags for me while I journeyed upstairs to to the big girls racks. I ended up being drawn to a crowd of women and girls in the formal dress section. There was quite a clearance going on with racks upon racks of sparkly, colorful prom-like dresses smashed so tightly together that you could barely pull them down. I was pleased to find not only one dress that I fell in love with, but 6 of them in a rainbow of colors. I carried them all back to the dressing room, strategically ignoring the "three garment limit" sign and snuck into an unused room. The first two dresses fit (which in itself was an exciting thing) but something about the way they hung on my lumpy body just wasn't right; but as I tried on the third one of the long, red persuasion, I knew that this was something I could definitely make some vows in. Just for fun I tried on the rest of them. Big mistake for I could not even get the zippers up half way on any of them. I think any girl can relate that this is not a good feeling and I left the dressing room feeling like one of those big bouncy red balls - the really big ones. But as I lay my red dress down on the counter, I smiled, somewhat nervously. It was exciting knowing that I would soon be marrying my best friend, and I would be wearing red. I could feel the beginnings of some deep emotions as I took the two escalators downstairs to the men's department and picked out a matching red tie for Mike.

At this point, I could feel my introversion side taking over. My feet were throbbing and I needed to get out of there fast. I picked up my bags and bid farewell to Christie, not forgetting to set up a make-up appointment for the wedding day and lugged my heavy bags and even heavier body out of Dillards. On the way to the door, I walked by Gymboree and impulsively thinking I should maybe buy something red for Macy on my way out. A first-time Gymboree shopper, I was in awe of the tiny little outfits, especially the little socks! My eye was drawn to the color red toward the back of the store and I headed there. The first thing I noticed was the cutest, tiniest, red dress. Without even looking at the price I snatched it up, along with the tiny leggings that went with it. As I stood there holding the mini-garments, I could feel tears rolling down my eyes. It hit me, I was buying a dress for my daughter. The salesgirl walked up behind me as I was trying to sober myself up, but I was too late. She asked if I was ok and I explained to her my recent realization. She ooh'ed and aah'ed and led me to the cash register, asking all sorts of questions like due date, name, etc. She also told me that the little red dress was her favorite thing in the store right now and called her co-worker up to the desk to confirm her story. So as she wrapped everything up, she handed me a gift box and told me to wrap up the dress to put under my christmas tree. And I think I will.

September 11, 2002... Driving to work this morning, I was reminded of my drive to work exactly one year ago for it was then that I first heard of the plane crash into the Tower. I remember thinking it was some sort of accident, but clearly remember how I felt later, as I knew the truth and watched the fires on TV. Today will be hard for a lot of people. I'm glad we're commemorating the occassion, but, personally, I do not wish to re-live the events. I have no desire to watch those burning buildings again, although I am almost sure I will see it being re-broadcast throughout the day. They have already re-broadcast the radio shows of last year. My plans for the night will be babysitting my friend, Mary's, little girl, Emily, while her and her husband play with the National Guard band at Pioneers Park. Is that patriotic enough?

rings and other things... did not make the river this weekend, but instead, we took the neighbor kids, Drew and Kyle, to see MIBII. Having not seen the first one, I was sufficiently amused with it. Afterwards, the boys gave us a glipse of what parenthood may be like to some people, Kyle, entertaining us with his computer downloaded rock songs and Drews demanding that we "watch!!" him play several video games. It was fun, but draining. I wonder how it'll be different for us having a girl.

On Saturday, Mike and I watched to husker game at the Rococo. We had a nice booth and were joined later by Aunt Kat and Uncle Bob. We headed to Sidetrack at halftime. I was so excited to return there after a whole year. I even braved the stage to sing my traditional "Under the Boardwalk" this time being completely sober and obviously pregnant. Joyce and Paul promised to hunt down the guy that did it to me and beat him up... I thought that was funny. As we left the bar hand in hand, i realized that this was the first time ever that I left the Sidetrack with my boyfriend. I usually had to go alone or with other friends. Life is becoming so nice...

We returned to Plattsmouth on Saturday to pick up our wedding bands. It is hard to believe that the big day is less than three weeks away. The only thing I really have to do is find something to wear, which will be great fun. I'm anxiously awaiting becoming mollie miriovsky. nice ring.

i love dave... the concert was wonderful, of course. It's the second time I saw dave in concert, the first time being during his Crash tour about (oh my god!) 6 years ago when I took my little sis and her friend. We had general admission tickets back then and ended up being pushed up to the front row - center. I took a lot of great pictures and wish I had a scanner so I could share them. Anyway, although this concert was just as good and we had pretty good seats, it was disappointing to be so far from the stage compared to last time. What made it really special though was that Mike got to see him. He's a big fan and I like to take the credit for introducing him to it. Another funny thing was that after standing for 2 hours, my feet began to swell up and I had to sit down, at which time I could see nothing but the cute little couple in front of us.

But I digress, for I haven't yet mentioned my wonderful Labor Day weekend. Mike and I took the boat down to Milford Lake in Manhattan KS on Saturday. We spent all day Saturday and Sunday on the lake. It was hot, but with enough breeze and cloud cover to make it just about right. Every so often I had to jump into the lake to cool myself off, though. It was then that I realized my irrational fear of deep water. Every time I jumped in, it seemed as soon as I emerged from the water, I swam as quickly as I could toward the boat and could not relax until I had grasped the ladder. When I'm in deep water where I can't see what's beneath me, I feel as if something is going to grab me from beneath and pull me under. yikes! Thinking back, I've always had this phobia, which would account for me quitting swimming lessons as soon as I graduated to the deep end. Ah, the irrationalities. We enjoyed ourselves tremendously, Saturday night eating Mexican and relaxing at the Ramada in Junction City (we're not big campers), heading out again Sunday for another day on the lake. This time parking along the beach amongst about 40 other boats to frolic there. More irrational girl-thoughts as I stood there, pregnant, amongst others who weren't. Thoughts going through my head thinking Mike is checking out the skinny, tan girl with big boobs. Is it hormones, or just the fact that I'm a woman? One may never know...

We had another appointment with Joann on Wednesday. I'm in my 24th week of pregnancy and ironically, my belly measures 24 inches (top to bottom). They are supposed to correlate.. the wonders of nature will never cease to amaze me. Her heartbeat is 152 bpm and she's kicking away like crazy. In fact, last night Mike was able to feel a whole gammut of pokes and jabs as we lay in bed. I think he was excited about that. For me, it just felt good to lay in bed after 4 1/2 hours at class, where the air conditioning continues to be non-functional after last week's flood. Even with three fans, it was quite warm and my feet once again began to swell. I made it, though and here we are at Friday already. The weekend looks quiet, which means we will do whatever we want to. I believe there was discussion of a boating trip down the river. We'll see...

busy... I have a lot to say, but no time to say it. Funny how I'm never really busy at work except for the days when I want to leave early. I'm scheduled to leave at noon today because Mike and I are heading to KC with Jen and Matt for the highly anticipated Dave Matthews concert. We've had tickets since March and I really can't believe it's already September...

With more time I'll relate my labor day weekend, but for now, I have to go bug my boss for one last bit of info before I can leave....

straight from the notebook... I list below some things I've learned thus far in my psychopathology class that I find enlightening...

a normal, healthy personality is defined as: (1)conforming to or consisting of a pattern, process, or standard regarded as usual or typical and (2) well-adjusted, without marked or persistent mental, personal, emotional or behavior aberrations.

"normal" personality traits are destinguished by: (and the presence of these things apparently makes you a happier person)

self-actualizing - reasonable level of confidence, initialve, style of motivation, opportunity seeking, satisfaction with acquired status.
ability to accept oneself, others and nature - such persons accept their shortcomings, are not ashamed or being what and who they are, have a positive self-concept, feel they are making contribution to the world and have recognition and acceptance of self.
adequate perception of and comfortable attitude toward reality - prefer to cope with unpleasant realities rather than to avoid or deny them. base decision on how things really are rather than on how they wish they were.
spontaneity - is relatively spontaneous in behaviour and thought; behave naturally.
focus on external problems - locus of control balance, but general focus on external rather than worrying about themselves; not overly self-conscious; can devote attention to a task that seems appropriate; recognition of responsibility, but not blame.
need for privacy - enjoys time to self, some solitude, even more than others (not aloof or withdrawing); devote time to themselves but very much appreciate others around them.
independence from the environment - remains relatively stable and secure in spite of harsh conditions; can maintain happiness in circumstances that might upset others; withstand stress such as economic depreivation, physical hardship.
continued freshness of appreciation - capacity to appreciate again and again basic joys of world and nature; have ability to see uniqueness and enjoy many commonplace experiences...creative, open, posses strong feeling of "belongingness" with humanity.

meant to be... I awoke from sleep last night scared. It was another dark dream that I had but I looked over at Mike and felt safe. Lying there, I began to think about what the past year has brought. Thinking back to August, 2001, I remember how unsettled I felt. These memories have been confirmed as I spent a good part of this morning reading brainsponge archives from last fall. It is so apparent now how I was merely trying to make myself believe that everything was ok. But in the here and now, as I close my eyes and take myself back to that time and place, the feeling is complete frustration, dissatisfaction and sadness. So as I lay in bed last night, I felt thankful for today. After all, I now have everything I want, and it has become my present life not through struggle, but easily as if it was always meant to be. I have a home and am carrying a living being, a child made from a little bit of me and a little bit of a man who I've loved ever since the moment I met him. Truth being told, and not everyone else knows this, I fell in love with Mike when I wasn't supposed to. I struggled so hard with that, my subconscious knowing I would probably not be completely happy without him, but choosing at the time to sacrifice that. I'm thankful that even though I took away the right choice from myself, the choices of another led me to the place I longed to be. Reading post-breakup brainsponge posts has also given me insight into what an amazing period of growth I went through during January and February of this year. Looking back on all the negative feelings, the sadness, disappointment, guilt, hopelessness, you name it... it all pointed to a renewal that I thereafter and am still currently experiencing. Did you know that I feel my baby now every single day? She is strong in there and constant proof of the magic of this universe. She, too, was created not through struggle, but came to be as easily as if she were meant to be. Because she is.

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning... After an emotional Wednesday and Thursday (I blame the full moon), I returned home from class earlier than anticipated late last night and found Mike in the midst of setting up many, many candles. But without giving up, he turned out the lights, started up my favorite CD and led me to a bubble bath. I was so touched that I couldn't help but cry because I felt so special and lucky. He joined me in the tub and that, along with everything else, was enough to make everything all better. We talked about nice things. Everything was perfect. Of course, after the bath we enjoyed each other in bed and fell asleep to the sound of the thunderstorm. Getting out of bed this morning was next to impossible and I would've given anything to stay there with him. But alas, I made it to work, still feeling relaxed and content...

I decided I didn't feel good... and spent Monday afternoon in bed. It seemed that I was fighting off some sort of bug. I'm feeling much better now, but my allergies have taken over in their attempt to make me miserable. They will not win, I took Sudafed.

It's one of those days... where I can't decide if I feel good or not. I may feel some sort of illness coming on. Nevertheless, I have a few minutes before Monday check-in, so I will brief you on my days post-last-post...

Thursday night I started in on my next class... Psychopathology. Although it appears the teacher will keep us there the entire 4 1/2 hours for the full nine weeks, I trust it will be an interesting class and I've already gotten a lot out of it. In fact, later on today if I have time, I will share some of my absorptions from first class.

Friday night, I took Mike out to dinner. I'm finally to the point where I have some extra money and wanted to at least do something for him for all he's done for me. We went to Red Lobster and stuffed ourselves. Afterward, we rented "John Q" and snuggled on the couch. I love nights like that.

Saturday, we made the trip to Plattsmouth to pick out wedding bands. It took about 15 minutes for both of us to decide what we wanted; we're simple people - especially compared to the salesgirls who donned the biggest rings I've ever seen. One girl had on a 3.8 karat diamond and the other's was well over 4 karats. They were kind enough to let me hold them and try them on. They weren't really me, (but I may be able to get used to one). On the way home we stopped by my mom's to let Truman play with Durango, Levi's Visla. Then it was off to Ribfest that night where we met up with Mike's old friends Troy and Kelly. It was a beautiful night and after stuffing ourselves, we sat around for awhile, complaining of how full we were, then decided Zesto's sounded pretty good. Go figure. I was happy to get home, but as I lay in bed, an old familiar feeling came upon me. Yes, a sad feeling and I desperately needed to feel Mike's arms around me. I asked him to do this and immediately felt safe to let the tears pour out. He held me and let me cry for a long time. The silly thing is, I don't know what in the world I was crying for. Even sillier is the fact that this is a repeated act in my life. When speaking with Jan about it a long time ago, she alluded it was a cleansing/healing type of thing resulting from keeping too much inside for too long. The good news is, I woke up Sunday morning feeling happy and especially thankful for Mike. I love him. Accordingly, we made love.

After the bliss was through, we went to Barnes and Nobel to purchase a birthday gift for his mom, had bagels and hot chocolate at Panera's and headed to my mom's to meet my family for the trip to Mike's sister's in Omaha for the first meeting of our two families. After deciding who would ride with whom, we began our journey and were all greeted at the door by Mike's nephew Ben. I must say everything went smoothly and I think we all got along well. Mike's sister, Mary, was a great host and everyone felt comfortable. I returned home drained, but after showering and lighting some candles, happy to be laying in bed with Mike, in my favorite room, our dark, blue bedroom.

I'm so proud... My little sis has created her own webpage here.

Bored... at work today. Sooooo, I'm eating lots of tootsie rolls and reading this book. Great author. It's making me chuckle...

Ooh, blue... Saturday we painted the guest bathroom. It now looks like the inside of a swimming pool. Aqua blue... When we first started painting, we were both a little skeptical. But it turned out great, especially after we hung the new white shower curtain with little blue squares and put beach pictures on the walls. Sunday, my family (18 in all) came over for smoked ribs. I love it when that happens. I usually get quite drained from hosting that many people, but for some reason my family doesn't have this effect on me. Mike was drained, though, probably because he did more work than I.

In other news, we are getting our engagement pictures taken tonight. I'm anxious to see if my 15 pound weight gain will be as obvious in a picture as it is to me...

By the way... IT'S A GIRL!

blonde again... Christie graciously lighted my locks last night and I'm likin' it. It's been awhile since I've been blonde, thinking it wise last year to return to my original hair-color, which is a dark blonde type, I think they appropriately call it dirty blonde. But this is better. Now I can monitor my growth by watching my dark roots... yeah! We had other company last night, as well, when good ol' Trace stopped by to walk Truman. Later Aunt Kat and Uncle Bob showed up and the neighbors even stopped by for a bit. There was great energy in the house and Sigmund the cat even stayed out of hiding and made it around the table a couple times to spread his love.

I hate the word horney... So I will say that I have been "wantin' it" since yesterday afternoon. After telling Mike of my dilema after work yesterday, he was nice enough to oblige and we skipped our usual workout at the Y for a stay-at-home workout that was much more fun. The feeling came upon me yesterday about 2:00 when I was right smack dab in the middle of a CPR training course, and even though things got taken care of, I still seem to have some lingering longings that are quite strong. Hmmmmmm.

It's a.... Mike and met our baby today via ultrasound and were advised of its sex. I will not post it because there are a few people who I would like to tell in person and not have them read it here first. What I can say is what a magical experience it was. I could not believe that right there on the screen was my baby. Its little legs were bending and stretching, its arms were waving and its head moved from side to side. At one point it actually put its thumb in its mouth and began sucking, but not for long because the hand jerked out of it almost as soon as it started sucking. The little thing moves a lot but does not have much coordination. My favorite part was watching the little legs kick. I was amazed that I could distinguish the little thighs and calves. Missy conducted the ultrasound and she took us on a guided tour of our baby's little home. She checked out the brain, heart, kidneys, lungs... everything looked perfect!!! I must say that I'm very relieved and happy. And I can't explain the feeling I got when she told us the sex. Not that that matters much to me, but being able to know just that much more about the little thing is wonderful. I love it so much already. We had the ultrasound videotaped, so I can watch it over and over.

Afterwards, we celebrated by applying for our marriage license. Then we stopped by my mom's office to show her the four still photos we had and to tell her the sex. She was pleased and made photocopies of the pictures for her photo album. And now I'm back at work. It is virtually impossible to concentrate on anything today. I can't seem to stop looking at the ultrasound pictures. They're so cute!!

And for a quick update on my weekend....

Friday night we painted our hallway

Saturday we took the boat to the river and invted my friends, Tracey, Tammy and Trudy to come along. It was a great day, despite being 100 degrees. We drove up to the Cottonwood Marina in Blair, tubing and skiing along the way (not me, of course), stopped for a drink at the Marina, and returned the way we came. It was great getting away from everything out on the River again.

And yesterday we awoke about 9, had breakfast and began painting our bedroom. It is now a dark blue color. I love it. We also re-arranged the furniture and the whole room seems much cozier and we decided to spend the rest of the night there. We had a couple bouts of fun in bed (if ya know what I mean - and yes I said a couple), ordered pizza, watched the Osbournes and fell asleep. It doesn't really get any better than that...

the baby must eat... had a girls night out last night with Stacy and C.Leigh. But before I talk about how great that was, let me share with you some of the less wonderful aspects of yesterday. The morning faired well but as I was driving back to work after lunch, I began to cry heavily. I believe this strong emotional outburst was, in reality, an overload of emotion caused from thoughts of my life. I was picturing having a baby and a husband. Things I've wanted, really, since I was a little girl. I'm happy that the energies of the universe had sense enough to veer me along paths around marriage and child-bearing until this later stage of my life and I can't really explain, to you or to myself, how strong of an emotion it is when I think about it. Needless to say, the rest of the afternoon took a strange turn, as I did not know when another of these episodes would occur. I started to then feel scared and anxious and a little on the irritable side. I think emotional instability sums it up. I cried hard on the way home, was a bit sensitive and crabby towards Mike and during my workout at the Y. But I then met up with the girls and felt, emotionally at least, a lot better. We talked of Stacey's new men, C.Leigh's new house and my new fetus and ever-growing body, among other things. The conversations veered somehow toward death and a debate over burial or cremation. It was nice, but I proceeded to eat too much and was miserably full for the rest of the night, with a backache to top it all off. All that seemed tolerable, though, because I was able to return to a beautiful home, a wonderful man and a big, comfy bed. And now, almost 21 hours later, I'm still a little full from last night's meal, but I mustn't forget... the baby must eat.

I can definitely tell there's something inside me... Last friday night, as Mike and I lay on the couch watching TV, I felt very distinct movements inside my belly. At first it felt like a very faint little squirmy thing moving around. As I concentrated more on it, it seemed like it was maybe stretching and later, very small little kicks, definitely kicks. It is an unexplainable feeling, really, and a wonderful experience. I honestly feel sorry for men for never getting to feel it. I'm sure, though, that I will take back those words once I'm feeling the pains of labor...

Saturday morning, we awoke bright and early and took off to Kansas City with my brothers and family. After checking into our hotel, we checked in to Worlds of Fun. It ended up being only a "state of fun" for me, for a number of things kept me from experiencing the worlds of fun its name promises. Firstly, I cannot ride most of the rides because of the pregnancy, of course. Ah, the sacrifices... First alcohol, then this! Second, it was about 99 degrees and when they tell you your body heats up during pregnancy, they aren't kidding. I was miserably hot while waiting for the others to ride the roller coasters. My only relief came at the fury of the nile when I was graciously splattered a little bit with some stinky water. It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I was happy just being with Mike and my family, but when someone suggested we leave about 2:30 and come back later when it was cooler, I was the first to agree. So after we went back to the hotel, took a quick dip in the pool and showered, we ate at Ruby Tuesdays and I was content. I went straight to my bed at the hotel and did not leave it until 9:00 the next morning. I was experiecing a tiredness like no other. Mike was sweet enough to stay with me while everyone else went back to the park, even though all I did was sleep.

I awoke refreshed the next day, ready for Oceans of Fun. The sky was overcast and the weather was tolerable, especially since I was able to be in water all day. I braved the slides with the whole family, bobbed around in surf city and Mike and I spent some quality time in the adult pool. I had a virgin daquari which helped me feel more like myself. After meeting up with the others again for a hotdog, we were just about to go in the "little river" as Haylee appropriately called the Carribean Cooler, when it began to rain. At first it was a nice, light rain and we were set to wait it out under a tree, but as soon as the thunder and lightening began, right above our heads, we decided to call it quits. It was mass panic when a monsoon came in, complete with hail. I hadn't been in rain that heavy - ever! It seemed silly to see everyone running for cover from getting wet while in their swimsuits. Alas, we all made it back to the van just as it let up. Figures.

On the way home, Haylee (who is my 4-year-old niece, by the way) thought my baby was probably hungry. I concurred. She asked what it was hungry for, Pizza Hut? Again, I agreed and we finally found one along the interstate at Hamburg, Iowa.

As always, it was nice returning home. We happily snuggled into bed, ready (kinda) to start in on normal life again. And here I sit. Content with life, and anxiously awaiting all the other good things to come...

On karma...

Karma is not something complicated or philosophical.
Karma means watching your body, watching your mouth, and watching your mind.
Trying to keep these three doors as pure as possible is the practice of karma.

-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "The Bliss of Inner Fire"

Back to normal... Thursday night I presented my paper to class on "Childhood Separation Anxiety... and it's effects on adolescents and adults" A topic that has always been of interest to me considering I had it bad as a child. I was pleased with how my presentation went and can honestly say that I felt about 90% comfortable, compared to about 50% at my final presentation in undergrad. I even had the class laughing a couple times. I think the difference was I went up there with no planned script, just knowledge. Things came out naturally and I threw in a lot of personal stories, which are sooooo easy to tell. The drive home felt good.

Friday I picked up my nephew, Chase, to spend the night. He's 8 and such an interesting person to talk to. I'm going to write a observation paper about him for class. My observations began as soon as I picked him up. After dining at Burger King, we went to Scooby Doo at SouthPointe Theatres. Besides the popcorn being dry, it was a great time. After the movie, we stopped at Target to pick up a birthday present for his sister, Chelsie, and so that he could spend his $10 bill. He's a frugal little thing....

Saturday, we lunched with grandma and aunt Kat and headed to the Tecumseh Municiple Pool for Chelsie's birthday pool party. My sister reserved the whole place for a private party. It was a great time, but I couldn't help really missing Mike. Fortunately, he returned Sunday and now all seems right with the world. I felt I couldn't get close enough to him last night in bed. It felt so good having him back.

girls nite... With Mike out of town, I figured it would be a great time to host again. Not quite oldschool style, meaning I didn't drink 2 bottles of white zin, but my oldschool friends, Tammy, Tracey and Kristal came by last night, I also was visited by the original oldschool girlfriend, Nicole. She arrived first and we discussed wedding plans. I cannot believe that after all we've been through and all the different places we've been relationship-wise, we are actually engaged at the same time. It really does say something about the wisdom of the universe. We hung out at the neighbor's pool for awhile but they unexpectely returned home early. Even though we were still welcome there, we left shortly thereafter because I felt like we were imposing...

So the rest of the girls arrived about a half hour later. It was great catching up with them. I am continually thankful for the strong friendships I've formed, for even though I haven't chatted with them for weeks, literally, I felt as if I just saw them yesterday. That is the way of true friendship, you know. I'm truly blessed.

alone and ok... Had a wonderful weekend. Mike called me at work Friday to ask me out on a "date". I was expecting just a usual night, but after I finished getting ready he said "just humor me" as he walked out the door. I watched out the window as he pulled the truck out of the garage, further out of the driveway and eventually into the circle where he did, in fact, circle around and pull back into the driveway. He then got out, with flowers, and proceeded to the door where he rang. It really was like a date. I was touched. We dined at Vincenzos and went to The Zoo Bar where Lawrence Wright "Mr. Jazz - Kansas City" was performing. Unfortunately, all the smoke made me sick and I was getting far too drowzy, far to fast, so we left around 10:30. We were parked on the top floor of the parking garage and spent some time up there, looking down on the city. It was at this point where I thought I felt the baby. It was a warm sensation, quite like expanding and contracting. The only way I could explain it to Mike was to have him imagine that there was a balloon inside him, being slightly expanded and then let go. It went on inside me for about 15 minutes that night, but I haven't felt it since. I desperately want to feel that again.

Saturday morning was spent at the mall where I purchased a ton of maternity clothes. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be in clothes that fit. I stopped by Dillards to chat with cousin Christie at the Lancomb counter and we had lunch and discussed fun things like labor and the wedding. That night, Mike and I attended the wedding of his secretary's daughter. Again, it was a nice time but I ate too much and was full and tired by about 9:00.

Sunday we journeyed to Sterling to watch my brother, Luke, play in a softball tournament in Sterling for the annual "Sterling Picnic". It's amazing how many pregnant women you notice when you're pregnant yourself. Sterling must be a fertile town.

Which brings me to Monday. We had our first marriage class with Pastor Karst in Sterling. It ended up being a great conversation about all the aspects of our relationship. We rated well and are obviously very compatible. The discussion turned to the pros and cons of organized religion and about questioning the creeds of our faith. We both like Pastor Karst a lot because he is quite liberal in his thinking and is not set on accepting things, just because he is taught them. He likes to know why, just like Mike and I.

And Tuesday morning Mike left for another fishing trip, this time to Devil's Lake, SD. So last night I spent most of the evening preparing for a presentation due at class on Thursday. I'm satisfied so far with what I accomplished and will be even more satisfied on Friday, when it's over....

New perspectives... I feel like I'm really starting to get this job. Makes me wonder how I'd do on the administrative side of the mental health care industry. It's interesting learning this aspect and it has also inspired me to think a little more abstractly about my future goals. I've concluded that for now my best option would be to get well-rounded experience in all aspects of the field and then decide. I still really want to counsel and can't wait until that is a possibility.

At class last night we had small panel for discussion on the subject of self-concept. We are studying the adolescent stages of developement. We had a homosexual man (Mike) and a bi-racial man (TJ) who answered our questions about their experiences. While I sat there with my baby in my belly, with my friend Heather next to me who is 8 1/2 months pregnant, I couldn't help but wonder what Mikes thoughts were on raising a family, so I asked. He said he wasn't at a point to consider that right now because his career was his priority. He did say that he would love to have a family someday. I found myself really hoping it would happen for him because I got the impression he would be great at it. Pregnancy is making me at people differently. I'm starting to look at people's parent potential.

It's official... I'm wearing pregnant panties and an authentic maternity sundress from Motherhood. I look like a big tent, but I'm so comfy!!

We went to our third midwife appointment yesterday. The little fetus' heart is still pumping away but it has slowed down to 152 bpm. We were also shown a to-scale replica of what the baby looks like right now. It is as long as my hand! I've also gained four pounds since the last appointment. Not bad, Molls.

Big... I think I've grown overnight. It took three changes of clothes this morning to even feel close to comfortable. My breasts are huge and I can feel my stomach on the insides of my arms as I sit here and type. I'm wearing a shirt I bought a couple months ago that I was sure would get me through the summer. I give it two more weeks at this rate. It's time for another shopping trip.

Yesterday's training session in Omaha went well. I was back in the Lincoln Office by 3:30. After work, it was the same routine, workout with Mike and home for dinner. We made lasagna last night. It also seemed to be telephone night as I talked to a few friends and my brother. (I'm rarely on the phone) The tiredness is starting up again. I think I might have made it to 10:00 last night, but not sure. But the good news is I wake up happy.

On an entirely different note, I thought I'd throw in some Buddist wisdom today. This passage is good to think about when times are tough and you think life is hard...

Life's easy to live
for someone unscrupulous,
cunning as a crow,
corrupt, back-biting,
forward, & brash;

But for someone who's constantly
scrupulous, cautious,
observant, sincere,
pure in his livelihood,
clean in his pursuits,
it's hard

Don't have much time this morning as I have to be leaving for Omaha shortly for a training session. I do want to jot down last nights dream, though, before I forget it...

I saw my daughter. She was about 5 years old and very beautiful with long, curly hair. Not blonde, not brown, but somewhere in between, kinda like my natural color. She was showing me her hands and on her finger were two rings. One was a ring my dad gave to my mom when they were in high school and the other was my mom's wedding ring. She told me all about how her grandmother had given those rings to her. She sounded so smart and her voice was so beautiful. I could've listened to her forever. I can't wait to have my baby!!!

Life is good... I missed my workout Friday because I discovered as I was driving to the Y that I forgot my shoes. So I returned home with my trusty headache. Those things seem to be becoming regulars in my life. At this point, I'm blaming pretty much everything on the pregnancy. Even all the strange dreams about water.

Saturday, Mike and I went to Omaha to fullfil Mike's father's day promise to his dad - re-painting his living room. So he and I and his brother in law tackled that project in the morning. Mike's nephen, Ben, helped us later in the morning. I must mention that he is the sweetest kid in the world. He made me a "Welcome to the Family" card. What normal 11-year old boy does that!? I was touched. We just happened to bring the boat and in the afternoon, we set sail down the Missouri River. It was my first time on the river and I loved it. It was a great get-away and seemed to be its own little world out there. There were various "Tom Sawyer" -like camps along the way. We traveled about 25 miles north and stopped at the Cottonwood Marina in Blair to have a drink amongst genuine river rats. In future boating excursions, I believe the river will be my waterway of choice. It was a great day.

On Sunday, we awoke and, after some frolicking in bed, went to Panera's for brunch. It was so hot and muggy that after getting groceries, we decided to forego any outside activity and stay in the confines of the air-conditioned home for the rest of the day. Mike couldn't do it, though, and decided to grill brats for supper and I composed 2 pages of my term paper. It's a start. Another nice, relaxing day.

Happy 5th... Yesterday proved to be one of the best 4ths I can remember. Mike awoke bright and early to begin smokin the ribs. I made a trip to the store to purchase ingredients for the strawberry fluff I made later. About noon we headed across the circle to the neighbor's pool. We were fortunuate enough to have about 45 minutes alone before the neighbor kids joined us. spent the next couple hours being entertained and getting a mild sunburn. After a quick shower and a not-so-quick romp, Mike continued with smoke detail and I took a nap, only to be awakenen by the smell of smoked brisket. Yummmmm. We headed to the neighbors to eat, the kids lit a few small firecrackers and we watched the Holmes Lake fireworks show through a thicket of trees in the neighbor's back yard. Grand finale of the night, Mike put on his own fireworks show in the middle of the circle. oooooooh. aaaaaaaah. By the time he was done, I was exhausted and smelled of smoke. We were both asleep within minutes of returning home. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Quickly... Day three at the new job and still liking it. An associate from Omaha will be coming in shortly to train me on the computer system. Last night, Mike and I worked out as usual, and afterwards I felt as if I couldn't wait one more second to eat. We ended up ordering pizza, watching the continuing saga that is American Idol (I usually try to stay away from silly reality shows, but Iike this one) and answering and returning a number of phone calls. Slept good, with the exception of a wierd dream, and was awakend all too soon this morning. But I am so happy to be working, it almost doesn't matter...

Back on track... I spent the weekend in San Francisco with two old roommates. My friend Mary and I flew out to visit Cami. The three of us used to live together here in Lincoln. It was a great, yet exhausting trip for me. I am discovering that this pregnant body has a bit of difficulty finding comfortable positions, especially on airplanes. But it was all worth it to spend time with Cami and Mary. We made several trips to the Castro and Haight districts, went to Circo Zero, and caught a glimpse of the streets of Castro Saturday night before GayPride Sunday. To me, it looked like what we like to call a street dance in these parts, without the band and adding a few thousand more people clad in leather and chains. By that hour on Saturday night, we were all tired enough to be ok with the fact that we couldn't find a parking place. I returned Sunday afternoon to my dear Mike who had prepared a perfect dinner. So after a shower, food and short nap, we reacquainted (if ya know what I mean) and I slept deeply.

So now I'm sitting at work. Yes, you heard me right. I'm working again. I started yesterday here at Camelot Care Center and can tell already that I'm going to really like it. I was going to wait a couple weeks to inform my boss, Karah, that I was "with child", but I was feeling so comfortable talking with her yesterday that I went ahead and spilled it. I feel so much better now. I guess I just don't feel like hiding it from anyone. I don't feel like trying to squeeze my ever-expanding belly into normal-looking outfits. I give myself 1 month, tops, before I will need to don full-fledged maternity gear.

The most amazing thing happened yesterday. Mike and I went to our second midwife appointment and we got to hear the heartbeat. It probably doesn't sound like much to anyone not attached to this baby, but it was the most wonderful, perfect sound I have ever heard. Friends and family have told me in years past of hearing their baby's heartbeat, but it never meant a thing to me. I now know that it's something to live for. I'm already so proud of my child for being only two inches long and yet having such a strong heartbeat. It's crazy to think that just a year ago, I was making myself comfortable with the idea that I may have to wait years and years to marry and have a baby. Now, over the course of just a couple months, Im getting everything 'I've ever wanted. And within the next couple years, I will officially have a family. How happy am I!

Grapefruit... I realize I haven't written for a long time now. I've been a bit uncreative for reasons unknown. I still can't honestly say I feel like writing right now, but I am anyway, just to see what will come out. It may be because for the first time in my adult life, I'm seeing the world through sober eyes. I haven't had a drink in over three months now. This is an unheard-of event looking at the past ten years of my life. At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I must say it is a bit scary. In the past, I would go have a drink after a bad day, after a good day, when I was bored, when I was scared, when I was happy. You name it; it was cause for a drink. I know now that it was a major part of my life and my way of coping with life. I have this little two-inch fetus to thank for helping me see this. Do I miss the feelings of drunkeness? Yes! But there are other feelings that I'm experiencing that are foreign and strange. They are the feelings of peace. They are the feelings that everything really is ok. They are non-panic feelings and although it may sound strange, they're scary as hell for someone like me who has lived on the adrenaline of one chaos after another since the age of six. I'm still in haitus. Thinking that really is ok, too, for now. I'm just getting started on "the great american novel" and...... I'm picking wedding dates!! We have it narrowed down to September or October, 2003... stay tuned. Otherwise, Mike and I have been painting the house, enjoying the boat and spending a lot of time doing things like 10-year reunions, graduations and the latest family tragedies, first mom sprains her foot after a fall and then, ... little brother Levi was in a car accident and broke his arm yesterday. Mike and I drove mom down to Tecumseh where he lay in a hospital bed. He's ok, but I couldn't stop myself from picturing it ending up much worse. But mostly, I'm in great anticipation of the baby. I'm becoming very impatient and feel that seven more months is way too long to wait. But there's nothing I can do but wait, and eat. By the way.. my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. I love telling people that.

The powers of change... Mike and I met with the midwife, Joanne, yesterday for the first time. She spent an hour talking to us about the do's and don't's of this pregnancy thing. She was the first midwife in Nebraska and has delivered over $1,000 babies. I think she's qualified. She showed us a picture of what the baby looks like right now. It looks like a blob. It's eyes are on the side of its head, like a rabbit, the head and brain is curved over the face looking like a big, deformed nose, and the arms and fingers are just starting to form from nubs. In a couple weeks it will begin to look like a human. It's an amazing thing. Joanne officially set the due date to December 22. That's Beki's birthday, my little sister and it's a long time to wait, especially for an impatient like me.

Although I have all these wonderful things in my life and so much to look forward to, I'm being victimized once again by this annoying depression that has become so familiar to my life. I've felt it all before, usually a few months after a big change, and I have yet to understand how to beat it. I'm waiting patiently to return to my normal self and be happy and excited about my life. Unfortunately, although I appreciate all that is going on, I'm having trouble getting myself to smile. Give me a couple weeks. I'll be fine.

Sometimes.... life just makes our decisions for us. It's been awhile since you've heard from me and that's simply because I needed get all my friends up to date before I wrote here. Finally! Everybody knows so here's a quick recap of April, 2002...

April 11, 2002 - car accident, but you knew that
April 18, 2002 - Follow up Dr. appointment for my shoulder. At this point, my period is 5 days late (I'm never late). On a whim, I asked my docter a few questions to which she replied, "oh, it could be a number of things, but I can see you're concerned, let's take a pregnancy test, just for fun!" Sure. So after peeing in a cup and a short wait in the examination room, my doctor returned saying "Well, is it fair to ask if you want to be pregnant". My reply? "oh my god, oh my god!" That's about all I could say. In case you haven't yet caught on, I'm pregnant. So after leaving the doctor's office, I stopped by the grocery store, still numb, and taking care to buy 7-Up instead of Coke, you know that sort of thing. Mike had the heads up that I was late and of my dr. appt. He called later that night to ask how it went. I can't remember exactly what words I managed to get out of my mouth but he was soon on his way over. When he arrived, he was great. We went for a walk and talked about everything. He's going to be a great dad.
April 23, 2002 - Mike and I told mom over lunch. I knew she'd be ok with everything, but she was thrilled! She even hugged me and Mike. (she's not typically a hugger)
April 24, 2002 - No more job. Through with the legal field (I hope). We'll see. Took this time off to pack and begin my 23rd move.
April 27, 2002 - Lukey's wedding.
May 1, 2002 (Wed) - Trip to Clearwater, Florida with Mike. Business for him, pleasure for me. After the fiasco that was our flight down there, we arrived 6 hours behind schedule. Thursday morning we awoke and took a walk along the beach. I though Mike was being a bit quiet and preoccupied. He stopped me and began telling me how much I meant to him. I didn't think too much of it because he's always saying such nice things to me, but I was shocked beyond belief when he produced a beautiful diamond ring and asked me to marry him. I believe that ring shocked me more than the announcement of my fertility. I guess I knew it would happen eventually, but wasn't expecting it this soon. I'm happy that I'm with such a wonderful man. He's been pretty much my best friend for about a year now even though I haven't talked about him much. Maybe I'll write more about that later. Back to Clearwater...I had to ask him for sure if he was proposing. Once confirmed, I said yes, of course. It was a perfect, sunshiney day with the ocean waves crashing behind us. Leave it to him to make things perfect. We left the beach and hopped in the rented Rio and headed to Crabby Bill's for lunch. Our waitress, Bobbi Jo, was the first person we told of our engagement. She felt honored, of course, expecially when Mike promised to name our first after her. We ate grouper sandwiches and fries. Oh it was good. Then we headed to Pier 60, rented a waverunner and headed out into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't need to tell you how much fun that was. Exhausted and hot, we returned to our hotel, showered and headed to the banquet being held by his business associates. Ate more wonderful food. We told one person of our engagement and before we knew it, we were the recipients of a toast to our engagement. I left shortly thereafter and went to the room to call my mom. Mike returned later, after his meeting was over. Friday, I spent the day alone while Mike was in an all-day meeting. That morning, I returned to the beach to reminisce, took a drive, did a bit of shopping and ended up lounging by the pool where Mike and some of his associates joined me at about 3:00. He and I excused ourselves for a while to frolic in the ocean. Later, we dined at Levenson's where we had the best window seat overlooking the gulf. After dinner we went to Sheperd's outdoor tiki hut to watch the sun set and listen to to the mediocre house band and watch the locals dance in their swimsuits. A wonderful end to a wonderful day. Saturday, we slept in and, upon awakening, had just enough time to pack and head to the airport. The returning flights were uneventful and I was happy to be home. You know how it is. Love to travel, but love coming home.

Since my return, I have had some fun telling all my friends my good news and getting settled in here at Mike's house. Sigmund seems to accept Truman (Mike's dog) and Truman loves Sigmund. We're a happy little family. But in all honesty, there is enough change going on in my life that I have been dealing with some serious uppers and downers again. It's hard to believe that I'm in such a secure place considering the fact that I'm pregnant and not working. I vary between feeling like a big loser and like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm growing a human being in my belly, and there's nothing more important than that. I will soon have everything I've ever wanted - a family. It just sucks that I have to feel so loserish at the same time.

Can you believe I've waited this long to blog?