feelin empty today. i hate that.

STEPHEN C. BOLDT (January 25, 1950 - September 3, 1990).
Happy Birthday, Dad.

I miss you. That goes without saying. There are times in this life, sometimes, when I wonder if you were ever here at all, or if you were just some imaginary friend I had. But I know you were real. You left your mark. With your kids and your wife. We’re all kinda lost without you, trying hard to complete our lives in a normal fashion. All of us are pretty good at pretending we’re ok (whatever that is), but we’re not and I don’t think we ever will be. We’ve had happy times, but we’re all so confused. Actually, I don’t even feel as close to any of them as I should. I know I can go to them whenever I need to, but I think sometimes we’re scared of each other because of all we’ve been through and we remind each other of you. It’s probably just me, though. I’m always the troubled one. I believe you have a seat up there in heaven and you’ve been watching us. I know I’ve angered you, but I’m hoping that by just being up there in heaven, you are able to understand and forgive all the things I’ve done wrong. It seems they all started the day you left.

I’m sorry I didn’t go home after the funeral. I couldn’t. I needed to be away from the sadness of that house. Still going there today gives me a weird feeling. I don’t understand how Monti can live there. It’s suffocating, small and sad. I feel bad sometimes when I think they should just tear it down and build a new house. It has nothing to do with you, Dad, but I think sometimes I just want everything to be new so nothing reminds me of the painful past. Then again, I hoard my belongings in a trunk as if I’m saving them to build some cenotaph to the past. I have trunks and boxes full of my past and I can’t throw them away. I like to reminisce. I’m comfortable with the feeling of loss. It takes me inside myself, conjures up so much energy and I feel it running through me like warm water. Is it cleaning me out? I hope so.

Back to my apology. You know, everything you told me not to do, I did that year after you died. I got drunk, I smoked, I even had sex for the first time. You wouldn’t have liked the guy, but, if it’s not too weird to tell you, he was very nice and gentle with me. I think he cared about me, too. But I always think that. I’m starry-eyed. But worse than losing my virginity, were the nights I would go out with Amy and Lois, get drunk and make out with guys we had just met. I would always be sad if I didn’t meet anyone. I’m still this way today. I know that’s so stupid because you always told me that I was pretty, that you were proud of me, not to have sex before I was married, not to drink or smoke or take drugs. It seems that these things are all I’ve been doing! And then when I do get away from them, usually because I’m in a relationship, it ends up in failure because I choose these guys (or do they choose me?) who have no ability to love me long-term. This brings out anger, jealousy, possessiveness, fear, or any other number of the pathetic emotions that I unfortunately have yet to learn to handle. These things understandably drive people crazy and drive them away.

So I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m single, Dad. There’s not a man in my life to say, “I have a girlfriend. Her name is Mollie.” I know that’s ok. I know I’m here for some reason and it sure as hell isn’t to be somebody’s girlfriend. I’m working on it. I have done some things that I know you’d be proud of. I have my Bachelor’s degree and I’m going to have my Masters in 3 years. I have big goals, but for now I have my family, great friends, a job where I’m appreciated, an apartment, a car, and I’m supporting myself. I’m trying to take care of my body, my mind and my soul. I read a lot, learn a lot and laugh a lot. You taught me these things. You reinforced the fact that these things were important. Oh, yeah, I'm in therapy. Figuring out I have yet to deal with the grief from your death. Until I do this, I plan on abstaining from a serious relationship. I don't think I could deal with another loss until I've truly dealt with yours. I hope it doesn't take too long. Patience is what I need. You were impatient, too, but probably aren't anymore. I bet it feels so much better.

So here I am on your 52nd birthday. Wondering what it’d be like if you were alive. Wondering how close we would be. Wondering if I could talk to you about all these crazy things in my head. Wondering if you’d understand. Wondering if you’d make me feel better, safer and more secure. Knowing you would. Most of the time it really sucks without you, but then I think of what a hard time you’d have conforming to the way people are today. They’re aren’t too many people like you anymore. I’m sure you’re in better company where you are. I remember you telling me you wanted me to be good so you could see me in heaven some day. I hope I’m doing that. I can’t wait to see you again. I think of you every day. I love you and love that you’re my dad.

Reading a book on Auras right now. Last night, I took the test. I'm a Violet

Check out this man's PENIS collection. Mollie fact: Penis is one of my favorite words to speak aloud.

Random Thought: Happy Teaching

Luckily, I had a counseling session scheduled last night. Of course, it was very helpful. Discussions of my past week, the fact that I was extremely drunk both Tuesday and Friday nights and my silly actions resulting from poor judgment and, ultimately, the panic attacks, did nothing but lead me right on to Depression Drive; a narrow, low-maintenance, dangerous, curvy, pot-hole-filled, lane winding down a big ol mountain. Yesterday, I was driving at mock speed, and it was storming, and my windshield wipers were broke. Jan helped slow me down and veer me off on a safer, more maintained road and the storm has yielded to a mild rain. Luckily, she also helped fixed the wipers. I'm driving slower now, able to see the path before me. It's still kinda dark and grey, but I'm calm and even kinda relaxed. I'll just keep driving, stopping here and there for gas, new headlights, wiper fluid, etc. Heck, maybe I'll even check into a nice hotel here and there. But I'll look forward to the trip and try to be prepared for any mishaps along the way. You know what? That's all I can do.

I'm definitely in stage #4. Yuck!!!

Damn it! I broke down at lunch. Tried to hold it in, but it overwhelmed me. Guess I should have known it would be coming. Shit!

Had a little trouble being, and spent a little too much energy Friday trying to be "up". After a night of drinking downtown with Tammy and Tracey, came home exhausted and depressed. Barely made it through the night, but when I did, was proud. The "down" feelings continued throughout Saturday. Played Bunco for the first time in 2 months. Had to tell my story to the girls. Afterwards, had dinner with Charlie. That was nice and definitely helped. Sunday, spent 3 hours at Barnes & Nobel. Read an entire book while there on the 9 relationship personality types. I believe I am an emoter, people-pleaser with a dash of attention-seeker. Bought another $125 worth of books to get me through the many drinkless nights I plan on spending alone with my cat. Coo-koo, coo-koo.

Spent the first part of last evening relaxing, reading and writing. C.Leigh, Tracey, Tammy and Kristal came later for drinks and chats. That was so nice. They left at midnight and, after a short tele-chat with Cami, I went to bed.

Desperately seeking insight! As such, I decided to once again tap into my online tarot source. This time I asked for more insight into my current annoying, unsettling, anxious feelings. The Wheel of Fortune card was drawn stating:

"When the Wheel of Fortune is in this position, your circumstances may be constantly fluctuating. The immediate future seems uncertain, so who can fault you for feeling a bit overwhelmed or confused. Do not take it personally -- a force may be present that is beyond your power to manipulate. Think of this energy as the great washing machine of life. If you put up with the churning, the rinse cycle and the final tumble, then everything will be resolved when it's over. Still, it is a challenge to keep your composure. The part of you that prefers control feels helpless. What an uncomfortable feeling, not knowing when or where the wheel is going to stop. Wait and watch, and as you do, try to absorb and understand the process. Now is not the time to make any definite decisions."

There............. you.............. go.

Does this ever happen to you... A complete stranger walks into your day and gives and undeniable new hope faith in the presence of God? This has happened to me 3 times in my life, but it happened again today. I am alone at the office and an old man comes in. I have never seen or heard of him before, but his is a client, supposedly needing to sign some papers. I search the whole office for this file, but find nothing. He says that is ok, but before leaving holds out his hand saying "here is something to get you through your day". A hand full of tootsie rolls. I said thank you and have a good day. He looked me right in the eye and said "my days are always good. Yours are, too." Unconsequential? Maybe to most people, but not to me. Not only did his words make me feel good, but the tootsie rolls! I have never once boughten them, even though I loooove them. But throughout my life, the most influential people have always given me tootsie rolls. Everyone from my first love, to my grandpa, to my favorite teachers, to my last love. Tootsie Rolls. I guess you may think I'm crazy, maybe I am.

As further proof of my nuttiness, I did an online tarot reading today asking for my focus for today. The Judgment card was drawn stating this: "with Judgment in this position, it appears that you are either accidentally or intentionally heading towards an encounter with some catalytic force that may transform your personality. Your sense of identity is being reformed. A sense of reunion may prevail because all the individuals pictured on this card are incarnations of the same soul meeting in a timeless place. You are uniting with your various selves. As you assimilate all of your fragments into a larger sense of self, you will become a more whole person--deeper, wiser and more universal. Trust this clear channel of being and the response it evokes in others."

Accordingly, this constant sense of mild anxiety and emptiness may have validity. It makes sense that I feel detached from almost everyone in my life right now. But my hope is to get to a point where I can let everyone in again, maybe even some new people.

I look almost as bad as I feel today. I'm hung over. Went with Jen and Nicole to The Zoo Bar last night to watch my cousin's band - "The Ten Cent Pistols" - who opened for "The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash". Did I mention Loren is in this band? Well, I had a blast, but got sucked into the old high school drama wondering what's going on between the two of us. But, wisely, I've decided it doesn't really matter. He's Mr. Social but didn't spend a lot of time socializing with me. That was fine since I tend to be Ms. Social, myself. Was able to flirt a bit with the lead singer, who I have had a bit of a crush on for quite some time. I was so drunk by the end of the night that I made him drive me home, not realizing until I was actually home that he was then stuck there. Oh darn. He came on in, hung out with me for awhile. Ok, we did some fun stuff, but the details of that are for me to know and you to ponder. Amazingly enough, and, I think, a true sign of maturity, was the fact that we stopped things before they got too far, mostly, and I hate to admit this, because this was a friend of Lorens. Man, I was proud of us. But then I thought, "It's not like I'm Loren's girlfriend or anything!" (see what I mean about high school drama! Please!). But, after we sobered up a bit, I ended up driving him home and then stopped by Brian's (I knew he was having after-hours). Loren was there, seated on the couch surrounded by girls (none of them even close to being as cute as me, and all of them with huge asses - sorry - so I was ok with this). It comes with the territory of hanging with "rockstars", I guess. Saving grace was my conversation with Angel - the crazy dancing groupie. Don't remember what we talked about though. But after a half hour or so, I was ready for some sleep and said my goodbyes and headed home to crash. Loren left a cute message on my answering machine this morning, um, at 4 am. Why does this make me happy? Despite all the drama and the pathetic "oh, God, I'm single and too old for this" feelings, I had a good time and made it through the night throwing my expectations to the wind and feeling mighty good. I awoke this morning ok with all that happened and, especially, what didn't happen. Yea for me!

When Lathen left me, I sent an email to all my friends with the heads-up. Most of them thought it was a joke, but when they realized it wasn't I was blessed with many caring responses. Whenever I feel sad and start to miss Lathen, I read those responses from my beautiful and wonderful friends and I always feel better. What follows is my little sister's response. Beki: she's 22, married with a two-year-old, and she is so cute! Today, this one helped - a lot:

Hey! Well, to tell you the truth ever since this whole thing happened I knew it was the right thing. Lathen is a really nice guy and I know your relationship was good with him, but I just couldn't see him settling down and being a family man, which I think you want in a guy, right? He had plenty of opportunity to change, but didn't. He could've found a different job, so that you could spend more time ogether. If you would've stayed together I think the future for you guys would've brought you further and further apart and you would've been more and more unhappy. I get so mad at {husband's name deleted] because he always wants to go hunting, fishing, golfing, lift weights, or something or other. But I can't imagine him never being around, that would be very hard and I can imagine what you were going through. I know you are the type of person that doesn't like to be alone, the right guy is out there. Don't get discouraged, you're young and have a long time ahead of you. Beleive me once you start a family and have kids there is no turning back. And you wouldn't feel like there is no good in you, that is ridiculous Mollie. I think you just need to refocus and realize that this kindof thing happens to everyone in one way or another and everyone gets through there tough times. I know in 5 years you'll look back on this whole thing and laugh, but right now it's OK to cry. I hope this doesn't sadden your day I hope it brightens it, because it should...and its FRIDAY!!! Love, Beki

After work last night, I headed to the grocery store. When I returned to my apartment, I felt a bit of despair when there were no messages on my home answering machine! In addition, I had no plans and was forced into aloneness for the first time since the breakup. It sucked. Especially considering I don't even have cable hooked up yet. I went and worked out, returned to messageless apartment. I had rented "Moulan Rouge" the other night and stuck that in. What a terrible movie!! I watched about 15 minutes worth and had to turn it off. But don't take my word for it. Judge for yourself. About 10:00, Loren called. He has his 7-year-old son this week, but still subtly invited me over. I, of course, accepted, and took with me another movie - "Evolution". Again, a bad movie, but I enjoyed the company anyway. I'm getting mixed signals from Loren. But then again, I'm sure I'm sending them, as well. I decided not to stay over, and returned home after the movie. Good news? I was happier. Slept soundly. Today will be better.

Bittersweet weekend, it was. Friday night I spent with the "new one", aka Loren. Initial plan was to go dancing - yee-haw! But considering he was late in calling me, I trotted over to friend, Tracey's house, for wine with her, Tammy and Kristal. I was one glass away from finishing my bottle of wine when I received his call - a last minute invitation to dinner with him, his best friend and his parents. Of course I accepted - I can't resist this guy. Upon meeting his mom, she hugged me right away. I love that in a person!! So dinner was good. Afterwards, a quick stop by the parents' house where I was given more drink and shown the family photo albums. You'd think this would be an uncomfortable thing, but this guy, and his family it seems, are so much fun, light-hearted and comfy. I like him. Please... stop me from falling!!! My heart cannot take it right now!! Alas! Went dancing. Wonderful! Wonderful! The friend left with some girl, leaving us stuck with no car. Made it back to his place somehow and, upon changing into comfy clothes, spent the next couple hours dancing in his living room. Seriously, I've yet to meet a guy who can dance like him. We then went to bed - cuddler!!! Who needs sex? I want to be a cuddle-slut! Awoke Saturday, chatted and laghed in bed and I returned home carefree and smiling. That night, I went to a hockey game with another friend, Mike. Hockey game was fun, fun, but the beginning and end of this night were a bit more on the serious side, as it would seem our relationship, although very close, is a bit much for me right now, and for him as well. We will undoubtedly remain the closest of friends, but expectations are diverse. As I told him, I have never in my whole life felt the way I feel right now. This freedom is both exhilerating and depressing all at once. I have many plans for myself and it will take someone very, very special to fit into them. Realistically, though, aloneness, although still frightening, is my best option, and this is where I plan on expending most of my energy right now. On that note, I am proud to say I spent Sunday with my family - all of em - but I eveninged alone with Sigmund (my cat). I made it! Hooray for me!

Ok, so enough of the quotes!!! Topic for the day, what are your rules of life. It's a question posed on the Bob and Tom show this morning, and I'll be damned if I can think of any of my own except... when you're hungry, eat something. I guess for the present moment, and quite applicable to blog, truly: for the immediate time being, I will not be publishing anything here about my current corporeal intimacies. Although for my own reference and future speculation my written journal is filling up quite nicely. Instead I will concentrate solely on self-reflection after any such encounters. Why? I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of attaching myself to anyone, or even the idea of anyone, right now. In an attempt to protect myself, have had stern conversations with myself a number of times within the last few weeks regarding the ever familiar attachment feelings, and am still in constant inner-monologue. I have old friends who I have longed to be intimate with, but couldn't prior to singledom. And I've now met a certain new one that I simply adore. I'm sure I will not be abstaining from sex. That will be impossible knowing myself as well as I do. No, I guess for the time being, I need to keep the psyche separate from the physical, if ya can dig it. At least until my wits are more about me. Because you know, there are magical things out there patiently waiting the completion of my wits (see Phillpotts quote below). Wish me luck!

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
-C. G. Jung,

"Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly."
-U. Peter

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
-Eden Phillpotts

"Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself."
-Plato

"When unhappy, one doubts everything; when happy, one doubts nothing."
-Joseph Roux

"When all else fails, post a quote"
-Me

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Allan K. Chalmers

"...but ultimately, to figure out what we love to do and do it always with hope."
-Mollie M. Boldt

Well, I'm pretty much moved in... I really haven't had a lot of time to reflect, though. My mom, brother, sister and family were with me last night until about 9:30. After that, I tried to unpack, but by midnight I was so exhausted that all I could do was fall into bed. I slept wonderfully. I will post more when I have the time and energy...

Despite the good vibrations from Mike and C.Leigh, I did suffer a temporary setback last night as I returned "home" to pack my cat and all my clothes and transport them to the new abode. Long to short, I purposely entered the house knowing Lathen would be there getting ready for work. I did want to see him, not for the pathetic questioning of his choices like last time, but to experience my own sadness and for one last hug. It was hard, but I know deep down we are doing the right thing. As much as I want to hate the guy, he has brought so much to my life that before I had not known. Ours was perhaps the first relationship where I was treated as I felt I deserved to be. That is, I felt loved, respected and cherished, at least for the first year and a half. It hurts knowing most of the last year we were, in fact, growing apart and were merely attempting to play the role of boyfriend/girlfriend. But you can't say we didn't try. But the cold facts are these: We both have big fat voids in our lives, huge, undealt-with issues from painful childhoods. I think the biggest challenge for both of us will be learing to love and respect ourselves and value our worth. I'm going to try so damn hard to get there, but all I can do is hope and pray for him to do the same. He has the potential if he could only see it. So from this point on, I will forgive myself and him for all we did and did not do that contributed to our failed realationship - squeeze. I will cherish how our relationship has made us grow - absorb, absorb - and work on moving past both. Setbacks will be permitted and forgiven. See me?I'm positive!

Please send me good, positive, strong vibes for this week. I will be moving out of "our house" into my very own apartment - alone. While most of me is excited and anticipating growth and happiness, a small part of me is still very much heartbroken and scared to death. I think once I'm through with the move, I'll be much better. I'm completely dreading having to enter the house, pack my belongings and say goodbye to the dogs. This week, it will be final. But on to happier topics...

Friday night was spent at Molly's Pub in Ralston with Christie and Alex (her boyfriend's roommate and a guy I met through an ex of all things!) Once we all got a few drinks in us, conversation really picked up. After closing the bar, we returned to DJ & Alex's where I watched a rousing game of playstation, began watching Rush Hour II, but fell asleep in Alex's bed quickly after it began. Upon waking, we brunched at IHOP, and, after a quick shower, I was off to Kansas City to visit cousin, Sharla. On the way down, I stopped briefly at a C-Mart in Mound City, Missouri, to visit the very place where I once spent a few horrifying hours at the hands of a psycho-drunk ex boyfriend, who ultimately ended up spending that night in jail. Maybe I'll disclose more on that later, who knows? (are we seeing some patterns here?) But the good news is I entered the place with a smile and left as I entered. I was actually laughing at the HORRID memory. Jeez!! Life does go on, you know. But moving forward... Upon my arrival to Countryside, Kansas, I sat with Shar in her basement with a bottle of white zin, of course, and disclosed my whole recent heartbreaking story. As I told her of the events of the past few weeks, I began to realize that things haven't really been that good for over a year. Isn't denial a strange, sneaky little creature? You know your mind can make any reality it chooses, right? But the goal for the future will be to sieze reality!!! I will surely blog more about this epiphany in the future when my wits are better and stronger. Anyway - we dined at PF Chang's with her husband, Jamie, and followed that up with a couple hours of drinking and socializing at a nearby sportsbar, I forgot its name (Jamie left us alone for this, bless his heart). All in all, a great weekend. Returned Sunday, wrapped up the weekend spending some time with family and on a couple VIP phone calls. Then I was fast asleep. Remember... send those vibes!!

Tonight I'm off to Omaha to spend some happy time (ie: drunkeness, I'm sure) with cousin, Christie, and her posse. Tomorrow, off to Kansas City to visit another cousin, Sharla. More happy times there, too. Looking forward to the get-away. Also, I officially have a new apartment, all ready to move in on Monday. Looking forward to the move? Not so much; but I am happy about the ever-closer finality of being out of the house and getting all my stuff together again, including my cat! Things are moving along quite nicely. I won't be able to blog until Monday, so ta-ta til then...

Better and better. The heartbreak contractions have lessened both in frequency and intensity. I feel myself getting closer to the birth of my new life. Things seem clear and real. The clearest of all, though, is knowing how much work I have to do on myself - alone. This is a scary thought, but I'm ready and willing to delve into my personal issues first so that the next relationship, if not perfect, will at least be better. When it comes to relationships, these are my fears:

1. Abandonment (4 major deaths between ages 6 and 17)
2. Competition (middle child syndrome? possible ugly duckling syndrome)
3. Neglect (loving, affectionate father dies; unemotional, unavailable mother remains)

Don't get me wrong, I will not complain once about my life. I am blessed beyond belief. It's just time to deal with all those things that hurt me way back when so I don't continue to let them interfere with my future happiness. Easier said than done, but I will choose to believe I can do this.

Happy New Year. I must say, I'm glad to see 2001 go, but I will always remember it as a year of great growth. I'm a an entireley different place than I was last year. I'm now at a better job, a college graduate, I have a better vehicle, bought and lost a house (but will soon have my very own apartment) and, yes, single and living alone for the first time since April, 1996. Wow.