The joys of animal protein.... As I reflect on yesterday, I am forced to admit to myself that the big, juicy hamburger I ate after our volleyball game last night was, perhaps, the happiest moment of my day. Heavens to Mergatroid! No wonder I'm so prone to weight-gain!

Accordingly, the stars agree with my newfound *realization (see below). The following is an except from my daily horoscope:

"...and while it is fine and civilized to look out for others' interests, have you considered extending the same courtesy to yourself?"

I forgot to take my St. John's Wart this morning and I can tell. Things seem a little more, oh, lets just say I'm having a little more trouble warding off some sporadic downers today. I could blame the missed herbs, or I could chalk it up to (hate to admit it) lingering sadness from last Friday's chance encounter with the ex, and the feelings that I need to help him somehow. I could also top it off with the fact that Monday afternoon was spent in a nasty e-fight with my cousin. Certain things were said that, although apologized for, really can never be taken back. I'm sure I'll bury it and forgive like I always do. After all, dealing with it this way leaves me, generally, a happier person. And, although it was an awful experience, *it did help me realize that I can't live my life trying to please everyone. Doing that is really getting in the way of my growth, and really confusing me. Hmmmm. What shall I do about this?

Good Monday morning. Yes it is. I continue to amaze myself with my incredible emotional strength these days. Maybe it is because reality and rightness are finally becoming a part of my life. I wouldn't know, because I have yet to feel these things simultaneously, but it just may be close to how I feel today. At the risk of putting myself through the breakdown that I should have had Friday night, I will relive it here just to see if I can, again, make it through.

It started as I was sitting on my couch with a Vodka Sour, waiting for the arrival of my cousin, Christie, for our night out. As I was watching "Amazing Police Videos" I was suddently overcome with the ever-familiar emotion, you know, the one that grabs your heart by both sides and stretches is out towards your shoulders like silly putty. And simultaneous with this feeling, the tears appeared in my eyes out of nowhere. Not the kind that run down your face, but the kind that sit there in your eyes, blurring your vision until you either wipe them away or they dry, whatever comes first. I should have recognized this as some sort of portent of the upcoming evening because I ended up being placed in a couple of what could have been very emotionally damaging and volitile situations as the night wore on. First, when we ended up at a Ten Cent Pistols show (you remember Loren). Last time I spoke with Mr. Loren he said he'd call me "tomorrow". That was about three weeks ago. There's no doubt that he digs me in his own way and I instinctivly know that the fact that he didn't call is nothing personal against me. He's just being himself and living with whatever fears and insecurities that he possesses and that I do not understand. It's his reality, not mine and, quite frankly, probably not real compatible with mine. So I was able to have much fun, not needing to be noticed by him, but when, for a few moments, he did, I could just appreciate that for what it was. Good for the girl! So after the show (and a lot more vodka), we did some serious dancing at Mickey's with a bunch of 21-year-olds. It was as eventful as I should have been I guess. When we finally left, I was just drunk enough to bravely follow Christie and Jen into Sandy's, even though my intuition told me that Lathen may be there. Guess what, I was right. As he approached our table, I must say I barely recognized him. At first, I tried really hard to be a bitch, but when it was apparent that he was not doing very well, I quickly ended that charade. I didn't want to be a bitch to him. And as he walked away from our table, I could do nothing but place my head down on the table and sob. We must have been quite a sight in that crowded bar, me sobbing away with Christie and Jen patting my back and stroking my hair. When I finally looked up, I laughed to ease the tension and excused myself with the pretense of going to the ladies room, but really needing a little more time with Lathen. We did sit together for awhile. I don't really remember what was said, but he seems to be having some trouble in his personal life and his choices. He asked me if there was any hope for us, for which I could not honestly reply. Why? Because deep down, I knew what he wanted me to say, but I didn't want to hurt him. He has so much work to do. I've finally realized it's too much for me to have to deal with. All I can do is pray he finds it in himself to reach his potential. If he could only see all the potential he has and have the courage to become. Seeing him made me very, very sad. Oh, and I lost my keys....

I was rewarded for my poignant Friday by quite the wonderful Saturday. I accompanied Mike to the Sport Show in Omaha on his quest for the perfect boat. After jumping on a couple pontoons, personally, I am convinced that these may be essential to a happy life, but I think he's still set on one of the regular boats. (aren't I fluent in vessel-talk!) I also enjoyed checking out the big RVs. We had so much fun with that, I can't even explain it. In fact, we had fun in all aspects of the outing. We thereafter hung out at The Dubliner, which is a really great Irish Pub. One of my new favorite places, in fact. Then to Mama's for some Pizza-Pie. Even though I was simply exhausted at this point, I still enjoyed driving through the neighborhood where Mike grew up and one last drink at The Grover Inn (I think that's the correct name), where I felt like I was back in my hometown bar. We dedicated songs to each other on the juke box and won $72 at Keno, so the day was pretty much perfect. We then headed home, stopping at C.Leigh's for my spare keys, and, finally, sleep!!!

Wow, I did better than I thought I would reliving this traumatic-heartrending-pleasurable weekend. I think it may be impossible to use all three of those words in the same sentence, but I'm finding that nothing, really, is impossible. absorb.

It's been awhile since I've quoted any inspirational Buddha wisdom. I like this one, so here ya go...

"Those who attain perfect wisdom are forever inspired by the conviction that the infinitely varied forms of this world, in all their relativity, far from being a hindrance and a dangerous distraction to the spiritual path, are really a healing medicine. Why? Because by the very fact that they are interdependent on each other and therefore have no separate self, they express the mystery and the energy of all-embracing love. Not just the illumined wise ones but every single being in the interconnected world is a dweller in the boundless infinity of love."

-Prajnaparmita

My past few days have been filled with almost all of the important people. Sunday, after a fun-filled family skating party, Michael visited me at home and, after watching "King Pin" I insisted he view my favorite "Comic Strip Live" video. I'm always shocked when people don't laugh as hysterically as I do at that one, but what can I do. I should probably be wondering why I'm still laughing so hard after viewing it only about 314 times! Monday night my good friend, Jen, came over for some Malibu & Coke and conversation. A nice combo. Tuesday, again, time spent with Mike, this time, Chinese food, olympics and "Rat Race". Which I loved, but he enjoyed only the Hitler part. Last night, after yet another volleyball triumph, I dashed home to host girl-talk with Tam, Trace and Kris. (Sounds like it should be on public radio, doesn't it). So now we're all caught up, and I am left today with a tremendous lack of inspiration and an extreme need for a re-charge. A lot of my energies for today have been expended in the latest relationship trauma of my dear cousin. She is in the beginnings of a break up which I believe will, in the long run, be a good thing, but it will be a hard couple months, as I know all-too-well. I will not continue on this subject. At least not now. I'm off to attempt productivity. *sigh*

I had a huge entry here, but have cut and pasted it into a word document as it had become quite a work-in-progress. It started out as a simple listing of the "chapters" of my life, but I began to realize that I've had quite a few chapters and I became caught up in a few details and wanted to put some more time into it! Needless to say, it has now become the beginning of yet another writing project. I'm thrilled!

A relationship-driven girl's story of realization, acceptance, anticipation and maybe even a little joy

Until about a year ago......

things seemed... well... I said "perfect" out loud a lot. But, as I continued to educate myself, not only in the classroom, but in my very own little psyche, there began a faint smoldering of dissatisfaction and the more it grew, the hotter it became and the more it burned. Looking back now, I think that little spark could have been extinguished, had I not been anticipating and expecting such nascence in my life. But instead, as I sat there, feeling stuck, the spark grew into a flame which was soon dangerously out of control. I did get a handle on it and, for a time, I stopped it from spreading. But just as I feared, it was only temporarily. It soon began to engulf me again. I finally had no choice but to submerge myself in deep water in an attempt to completely destroy that damn flame. This was soothing at first, but before I knew it, I was drug to to the surface and dumped there, cold and alone. And with my burns exposed, the pain began. "Why me?" I would sob to myself. And feeling only the cold, wetness of being alone and the pain of my burns, all I could see were the dark path behind me that led me here in the first place, or back into the cold, dark water as a means to escape these horrifying feelings. After trying to stand up and turning around, I was horrified to discover that the path at my back had already disappeared. So, almost without thinking, I jumped back into the water where I treaded for quite some time. I soon grew tired, though, of being wet and cold and futile. Looking around, I saw the ladder and surprised myself when I felt a little bit of hope. I pulled myself out. I remained cold and wet for awhile, but I have begun to feel some warmth. I've realized the sun is, actually, shining. And, now that my eyes have been drawn away from the water below me and toward the sky, I see that there are a few ships out there. These ships are there to take me someplace. I wanna get on a ship.

Happy Valentines Day. It has long been my favorite holiday. But what I like most is the history. How many people know the Valentine's Day Story? This morning, I heard it coined "Single Awareness Day" on the radio. Nothing wrong with that. Really, it's ok. No relationship at all is an appropriate alternative to the heartache of a bad or unsatisfying one. So those who are independent this year should be thankful for belonging to themselves. I, on the other hand, although recent in my entrance into singledome, was lucky enough to ring it in this year in the actual act of love-making. Good for me. Very good for me.

I'm happy today!

After an unproductive, unmotivated yet anxiety-ridden day's work yesterday, and a trip to Hy-Vee for groceries in preparation for the Valentines Day feast I'm planning, I entered my apartment and greeted my cat in excellent spirits. I had earlier nixed a couple Fat Tuesday invitations, opting instead sit my butt on my couch and share a (huge) bottle of chardonnay with C.Leigh. Accordingly, our topics of conversation ranged from orgasms to diarrhea. Ooh, I really shouldn't use those two words in the same sentence, should I. Icky. We also discussed the general dysfunction of humanity, stay-at-home mommies, kitty-cats, boyfriends (present tense for her, past for myself), blind dates, friendships, and my personal favorite - The Penis. One of our best conversations, I think.

Spent last evening alone with the exception of a phone call from Lathen. We have one more bit of business to attend to before we can officially put closure to "us" and it looks like it will be taken care of this week. We discussed meeting to settle things, but mutually decided that a personal encounter would be way too painful and send us both back to places we'd rather not return. So, things will be taken care of via US Postal Service. As much as I'd like to see him again, there is just as big of a part of me that recoils at the thought, leaving me feeling much like one of those little pillbugs that curl up when you touch them. I need to move on, and am prepared to miss him forever. After we hung up, I cried. But as I did, the sting came not from my gut and heart as before, but now from my chest and throat. This teary breakdown was way less painful and much easier to get through. Also, it inspired me to write and draw a bit and I now have a couple new poems and abstract doodles that I'm kinda proud of. Hey, that's something.

Thanks for the birthday wish, Cami. If I were into women, and you were here, I"d have sex with ya. With the exception of a couple exceptionally wonderful nights, I've been forced into abstanation myself. And by the way, workaholics ARE bad boyfriends. Read this.

Yes, I turned 28 on Saturday, the 9th. I decided to make a big deal out of it this year, considering the past couple months. I invited most of my friends to my apartment for drinks and appetizers, no other real plans. The weather was crappy, however, so a couple people bailed on me. But the die-hards showed and we had a great time. Everyone drank, ate and, well, quite frankly, were gracious spectators to my obnoxiousness. Later on, we ventured out to the closest drinking stablishment, Lancasters, then returned to my place for more food and, finally, some slumber. I am again reminded of how lucky I am having so many great people in my life. Sunday, after my overnight guests left, I locked myself up, ignored my ringing phone (with a couple exceptions - thank God for caller id) and relaxed with Sigmund. This re-charge was greatly needed. In fact, I may do the same thing tonight. I'm happily growing very comfortable in my lovely apartment; and in my own lovely mind, too.

My birthday's tomorrow!

TODAY MY HEART TALKED TO ME,
AS IF IT HAD A BRAIN AND A MOUTH.
REALLY, I FELT IT!
THIS IS WHAT IT SAID…

Yo
I was once
Apparent
And felt
Not like I was yours
But
As if I weren’t
I’m now
Possessed
Cherished
Prized
I feel singular
With new substance
And budding strength
I’m harder
And smarter
Understanding
Grasping the truth
And pumping it through you
About the past
And the present
Even the future
I’m permanent
Strong
From necessary losses
And some other things, too
Now
A fixture
Not
For looks
Or pleasure
But
For strength
And purpose
(Ok, some pleasure)
To lead you out of the softness
The blue
Into the hard
Solid
Rudiments
Of life
LIFE
The Violet
Living
And feeling
With purpose
No more ache
Or stagnant love
Or weakness
Can we be done with that?
Now
Let's traverse
To the true quintessence
Of this thing
Called
You

still rewinding... You know what was funny about my trip. Well there were lots of things, but firstly, the fact I was picked for a "random search" approximately 4 times during our travels last week and my companion, Michael, was chosen twice. Isn't that funny?! How can that happen? Needless to say, even if we did attempt to smuggle some sort of weapon or mind-altering substance onto any of our planes, we may just have succeeded. But search, schmearch. If you're charming, happy travelers like us, they're too busy being entertained to notice too much. So we made it to Northstar, which was right next to the great Lake Tahoe, or Dah-Oh as the Indians originally called it. Of course, the all-knowing English-speaking settlers liked Tahoe better, so there you go. Yeah, I learned some things in my travels. Don't even get me started about Captain Dick... But back to Northstar Adventures: After a restless night Wednesday (altitude, hard bed, etc) Michael and I journeyed to mid-mountain where we parted company - him, well to ski, because he can, and me to join 6 other novices in a 2 hour ski lesson. Oh yeah, we learned to sidestep up a mountain, pizza, or wedge, or snowplow, to stop (like that really works), and the duck walk. Please at least try to picture me duckwalking in a circle with skis on! I'd hate to think I did that for naught. Uh-huh, really worth my $65; but I made some friends. Peter and Melissa from Cincinnati, Darryl, a/k/a Momentum Man (oh God, I'm laughing thinking about his near collision at the bottom of the slope - we had great seats for that), little Daniel, (ah, cute) Matthew, (approx 15 yrs old, who will someday be a stud - and he knows that) and Anita (little happy Asian). Basically, we all sucked at skiing, but like I said, the duckwalking made it all worthwhile. After the lesson, I bravely hopped on the ski lift and headed up a very small mountain. I didn't make it very far down before frustration and embarassment overtook and destroyed me and my confidence. I hated that! I thereafter quite rudely shoved Mike off to ski and sat at the Mid-Mountain Cafe trying to figure out why I was so intimidated by this sport. I ran into acquaintences and had some wine (yes!) before the inevitable trip down the mountain to the lodge. Started out with the same frustrations, but by the time I reached the bottom, I was a little more sure of myself. That is until a couple two-year-olds practically knocked me down. Saint Michael patiently encouraged me down, never once laughing, although that really must've took a great deal of self-control. But once down, I was a smiling, happy girl again. Especially after a shower and a quick journal entry. Later that night, we met some people for dinner and some hot tubbing and a lot of wine. I may write more about our hotel-room escapades later, but for now, I will leave you in suspense, like I have been known to do. I really must leave my tiny office and head home.

Quickly though, on a topic I must mention at least briefly so I do not get too far off my present quandries; I went out with Ed again last night. We dined at Old Chicago and saw "Blackhawk Down". Although he is a sweet, sweet guy, with lots o' potential (there I go again on the potential) there's just not a lot of "zap" going on. (Let me tell ya about Zap sometime!) Is it me, or have I surpassed all the "regular" guys out there, striving for something much more deep and meaningful, with zap. Of course!!! Duh! But I'll dwell on that later.

Rewind.. back to last week. Tuesday, the day before I left, we finally had our big staff meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but after the meeting was finished, I was asked to stay. My bosses (God bless em) just wanted to touch base with me about my status post-breakup. For obvious reasons, it has been a helluvan emotional month for this girl; and just because I'm at work, doesn't mean those terrible, heart-tearing breakdowns don't cease. Yes, I try more to control them between the hourse of 8 and 5, but they are still there and are very aparent to whomever is around. But my bosses were nothing but supportive, simply wanting to know where I was at. This little conference helped me refocus on my job. My God, professionally, I won't get anywhere with these emotional tendancies. So a new goal right now is to refocus at work. To strive a little bit harder. Ok. Ok. That night, I had a blind date... First one of these in a looooooooooong time. It was nice, though. The guy (Ed) was attractive, seemed sweet yet shy, yeah, a few issues. I, on the other hand, turned on the 500 watt super charmer (I save the 5000 watt jumbo for bigger challenges) and made quite the impression on the poor guy. It was fun. He was interested. We have a date tonight. How bout that for my 46th day of singledom. Stay tuned, for in the very near future, I must talk about my Tahoe stories...

I have a new zest for life. This after several wonderful days spent at Lake Tahoe and surrounding areas. I'm very busy at work today, but will list several topics to discuss at a later time:

1/29/02 - Boss reviews and blind dates
1/30/02 - Random searches
1/31/02 - Why ski? Why sex?
2/01/02 - Take-my-breath-away beauty, gourmet food and altitute sickness
2/02/02 - Jackasses, travel bonding and returning home
bonus topic: If you wait six years for a first date, your second should be in Paris