Clean desk, no boss... A little time to sponge. An idea popped into my mind as I was at a stoplight downtown coming back from lunch. I was looking at all the people walking along the sidewalk and I thought to myself: look at all these people I don't need. I'm not sure if that was a positive or negative thought. Is it good to think of humans as un-needed? And are they? I think it may stem from my recent struggles and my quest for detachment. I honestly think that is the only route to happiness and security. On the other hand, I also find the theory somewhat cold. Anyway, I felt bad about thinking this, but at the same time, I experienced a very, very, very tiny feeling that was completely foreign. It was a good feeling. The only way I can explain it is inward strength. Caused a smile. Does that make sense? I think I'll work more on trying to define it later, at home.

In other news... Laptop came last night, but I had little time to get started because by the time good-ol-brother-in-law-heath dropped it off and explained a few things to me, I was off to, what turned out to be, our final volleyball game. Disappointing, yes, but I should at least have a little more free time now. To do what, you ask? The plan is lots of exercising, studying and writing. My God, am I a geek? To save myself from that stereotype, I'll disclose the fact that you will also find me doing a lot more binge drinking and having a lot of sex. yeah.

Be it known... I am aware of my recent sporadic and unexciting entries and am suitably discomfited. If I may place blame I will only say that my creative energies are being garroted by work and school; but somehow, they are equally being roused by other important social events. I'm not complaining, but I long for a lazy afternoon of serious writing. And help is on the way in the form of a new laptop for Mollie. Upon its arrival, I will be able to sit on my couch, or any other place of comfort, and recommence the proverbial sponging and squeezing of long ago.

Decisions... Priority projects for the afternoon: Review the Attorney Policy and Procecures Manual of a huge new collection forwarder; or.. Become one with Chapter 506 of the Missouri Revised Statutes: Commencement of Actions and General Provisions. You wish you were me.

Neglected… Poor little brainsponge. I really must get my online service going at home. It becomes tiresome to attempt creativity while at work. I’m finding my downtime is becoming less and less. Since I’m not feeling particularly creative today, I will sum up my weekend in short…

Friday: Dive bar, many drinks
Saturday: Small-town dive bar, many drinks, karaoke, chic fight
Sunday: Sleep til noon, gained 5 pounds at mom’s
Monday: Volleyball – still in it! I studied in preparation for...

Last night: I went to my very first class at grad school. As I sat there waiting for class to begin, I jotted down some things in my brand new notebook. Here’s what I wrote: (warning - not my most brilliant work)

Back to school. Facts: Room 15. Doane College. Appox. 5:45. Class will begin at 6. I’m in a grad level course – Research. Feelings: Well, reminiscent of my undergrad experience here, I’m excited to see who will walk through the door and be in class, but, sadly, I know it won’t be the old familiar faces. I guess last time it took a few classes to meet people and become comfortable, it shouldn’t be different this time. For old times sake, I bought a battle of Dasani water and a bag of Wheat Thins from the vending machine. Hopefully, I won’t be caused to wish for an early bathroom break (ha-ha). There are 2 others sitting here waiting with me. We're all quiet. I wonder if it’s their first class. Ok, who am I kidding? I’m scared shitless. When I think about it, this is a huge step. I’m finally beginning what will be the final step to that counseling degree and, ultimately, certification. I have a feeling that the next few years I will be placed in many uncomfortable, unfamiliar situations. I will have to learn how to handle them. Step one – Self-Confidence. That’s all I really need to start off. Thereafter, I think I’ll be able to do almost anything. I have to admit, my little insecurities are coming to the surface. Class is filling up, 4 more people have arrived. I think I’m the youngest person here so far. Is that good or bad? Teacher's here. ta-ta...

Quickly... As I prepare to walk out my office door into my weekend, I should only say that this second season of life theory really must mean something. I've pondered many times during this past week why I've lately felt so out of my element. Besides the obvious reasons, I'm Hopeful it's merely progression. I registered for grad school last night and that felt good. I'm looking forward to moving toward that next goal. Until Monday... Erin Go Braugh!

Smile and Kick Some Ass, Ani... Mike and I attended Ani Difrancoconcert last night at The Rococo. Smashing show! My little secret: I always leave concerts feeling somewhat, ok, very, jealous. I wanna do that!!!!

Well... I'm happy to report I'm over my depression. Although I will admit that these stages of grief, although graciously continuing to lessen in intensity, are still lingering. I remain in the stage of semi-despair where I find myself re-playing past aspects of the relationship and, yes, blaming myself for inflincting so much pain not only on the x, but on myself. I'm trying to forgive myself, but it really hurts sometimes. I'm aware, though, that I must let that pain happen in order for it to be completely removed. absorbing will lead to squeezing. The good news: it will pass and I'm anxiously looking forward to that day. And lucky me, I have many promising things waiting for me to get through it.

I keep forgetting..... That when I cease focusing on the here and now and revert to the past or future, I become miserable. I've been depressed for the past 24 hours or so and am desperately searching for the reason. I feel a deep longing for some sort of stability in my life. My mind keeps sending me flashbacks of the past year. These cause me nothing but heartbreak and grief. So to focus on the present would be to acknowledge how behind I am here at work and how completely miserable it looks out the window. All that grey makes me sad. I feel sick and have so much to do tonight. Luckily, I will be seeing Jan. Holy Moly, Mollie, and Good Grief, too!

Back from the dead... I am once again semi-functional after three days of inclement health. I began last weekend with a night out with my newly-single cousin, Christie, her brother, Brian, and his band-mate, you know him, Chris. (ie: Ten Cent Pistols guys). I am sorry to say that these two have made some silly decision to leave town (the band) and journey to Ireland where they believe their future lies on streets paved with gold. I had to tell them they were being stupid, especially since that have a whole night booked at the Zoo Bar in just two weeks. In speaking later with Loren, he is quite "sad at them" for ditching the band like this. They could've made it!! Silly boys. Anywho, we began Friday night at Coyote Willy's, pretty boring, then jaunted through the Havelock bar scene (Bob's Tavern, The Isles and Arnolds). It was typical, Vodka, reminiscing and quoting "Wierd Science". Again, I will have to say that the McDonald's drive through on the way home ranked right up there as one of the most fulfilling moments of the night.

Saturday, I once again accompanied Mike on his vessel-hunt. We made the trip to Valley for their open house (free hotdogs!). We left with many pamphets, no boat. Once back to town, we stopped at The Isles for some pizza, then a quick change and we were off to the hockey game. Those are always so much fun. Afterwards, P.O. Pears where we met Mike's hockey-friends. My friends, Tracey, Tammy and Kristal showed up and we all danced non-stop for many hours, it seemed. I attempted like mad to hook up Mike's single friends, Paul and Dean, with my cute friends. I'm still not sure if it worked. In a last-ditch effort, Mike and I finally left the kids alone and went to his place. Oooh, there was romance...

But life is not all hockey, dancing and romance, I awoke Sunday morning feeling like I had been beaten by a disgruntled husband and left to die on the train tracks (ever watch "The New Detectives"?). Realizing it was way more than the typical hangover, I laid on Michael's couch for most of the day and have since spent my time trying to keep as still as possible as to not remind my body that it can feel the pain. But I'm getting better, except for this painfully sore throat. Alas!