BlogSlacker... That's me. And there's so much I need to put down here! I'm still reeling from certain happenings in my life recently, both good and bad. The most I can say now is that I'm happy, renewed, and scared shitless! You'll know more soon, I promise...

But what I will write about is my brother's perfect wedding last weekend. I honestly have yet to see a happier, more beautiful wedding. It was simple and perfect. I was unprepared for the flood of tears that ran down my face as Luke stepped out onto the alter to await his bride. Looking at him there I was filled with so much pride and love. Thinking of it again now, the tears appear! I flashed back to our childhood and all the wonderful, thoughful things he's done, as well as all the hard times our family went through and how he always came through as the man of the house. I'm so happy he's finally to this place in his life. He deserves so much happiness.

It was also great having Mike there. He brought Shawn down (Christie's new boyfriend) and the four of us made a night of it. After the wedding, stopping at Scott's Tavern in Sterling for a drink and then off to the reception. It was a dark, rainy night but for some reason, that didn't matter. Mike was his usual, wonderful self and we shared several meaningful dances. absorb.

Weekend Fun... Friday, I went out with Christie and Stacy to Cheerleaders and Mulligans. I didn't drink and still had a great time. Good for me! On Saturday, I spent a couple hours at the mall searching for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding this weekend. The search was futile. Why am I being so picky!?!! Later that afternoon, Mike and I went to Omaha. While there, we stopped by his parents' for my first meeting with them. They were sweet. Our roadtrip later found us in Sterling where we "dined" at Scott's Place...The Legacy. As usual, being back in Sterling was bittersweet. The welcome sign now says "small town, big heart" and for some reason that makes me laugh. Oh well. Sunday, I continued in my quest for the perfect dress and I did find something suitable at Von Maur for God's sake. Actually, I was so fed up with shopping that I grabbed four dresses and bought them without trying them on in the hopes that one of them worked. I took them home, hung them in my closet and it wasn't until later that day that I nervously tried them on. I actually liked a couple of them so I guess that worked out ok. That night, Mike and I doubled with Christie and this new guy she met Friday night at Mulligans (Shawn). We saw Frailty. I liked it. Upon returning home, I tried to read in bed while Mike watched TV, but by 11, I was, for all practical purposes, asleep. And today, Monday, is fairing well. That's all for now.

Ode to Life...The under-rated, simple definition of us all. If you ever stop to think about it, this is the commonality of all beings from the smallest leaf to the giant elephants. If nothing else, we have that in common - life.

My life continues to be busy. I realize I've failed to disclose the events of last weekend. I attended a bachlorette party for my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Melissa. It was your typical night of drinking through penis straws and applauding the brave boys who dared to suck for a buck. At the end of the night, Christie, Beki and I headed to Amigos, as is the customary drunken craving ritual. I particularly enjoyed our conversation because it included some ex-bashing, which, in its drunken form, is always hilarious and makes a girl feel good about life changing events. As Christie and I compare boy stories of lore, we discovered strange correlations regarding some post-break-up comments we had the pleasure of hearing such as "I'm Hot!" (by Lathen) or "I've got it goin' on!" (by Jason) or "I'm the Man!" (by DJ). If you ask me, there is nothing more disgusting than a grown man speaking those words in seriousness. It makes the break-up seem so right.

So here it is Friday again. I made it through another week, not un-notable, and definitely life-changing and special. I will not go into that now, but instead focus on the next week, where myself and my family will prepare for Luke's April 27 nuptials. I'm excited!

Love is not all you need… according to Dr. Pepper Schwartz in the June, 2002 edition of Psychology Today, (pp. 56-62) where she lists a few of the mutual traits of partners in “happy” relationships:

Listening – “no matter what, you need to see how the other person is feeling”
Time – “allotting time in your day, week and life for your partner…”
Talking – “life is not static, it’s messy and requires communication”
Sex – “…sexual disappointment isn’t the worst problem when so much else is good about the relationship, right? Wrong!”
Flexibility – “Although it may be mistaken for strength, rigidity is not a good personal or marital quality.”
Understanding – “The bedrock of mutual respect is comfort and admiration for each other’s opinions.”
Intelligence – “there’s a lot missing if you can’t sit down to dinner and have conversation about what’s going on in the world at the same abstract level.”

Life is good... For some reason, I feel exceptionally happy today. The weather has been perfect and I cannot even count on both hands how many wonderful and beautiful people are in my life. I'm ready to simply enjoy it all. I've decided that spending time with the people I love is more important than feeling guilty about not working-out or writing enough. I need a balance of all worlds. Something I am lucky enough to be able to do.

And just when I think life just can't get any better, I get flowers. Coincidence? or Karma? You decide.

Crash... So I was driving to work yesterday, waiting patiently to merge into traffic when. BOOM .the ol' Suzuki got spanked! In other words, I was rear-ended. I immediately thought my car had to be totaled, considering how hard the hit was. As I slowly got out of my car and walked to the back, I was surprised that there was no apparent damage. The poor guy behind me driving the company truck was not so lucky, however. His airbag deployed, engine was smoking and bumper was hanging on by a thread. After assuring the guy I was ok, I dialed 911. It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I realized I had given the dispatcher the wrong address. I said 14th & Cornhusker when I meant 14th & Hwy. 2. So I had to call back. After all was said and done with the cop, I headed off to work, a bit sore and stiff. So much so, that I was only at work for a few minutes before I headed to the emergency room. I felt pretty silly having to travel via wheelchair to x-ray; it was my neck shoulder that hurt, not my legs. Alas, I was assured later that there was no permanent damage, merely a soft-tissue injury and muscle spasms. Got a prescription for some kick-ass medication and slept for the rest of the day. About 4:00, Mike called, back in town with the new boat. Figuring some time on the lake would do nothing but ease my soreness, I joined him and another couple for the maiden voyage. It weren't so cold and dreary, it would have been a perfect first trip. Once back to town, I was soon passed out, asleep. As for today, nothing exciting except that I made it through with no further mishaps. Yet. Don't they say bad things happen in threes?

Double dose... of the happy herb this morning. Not sure why, just felt like I needed it. Although not competely removing feelings, It seems to lessen them. Greatly appreciated because I've been obsessing a bit since my Monday night session with Jan. Arriving at my appointment, I was unsure whether or not I would be able to fill up the entire hour considering the emotions have been surprisingly and graciously kind to me lately. But since I can't get through too many perfect days, I did need to speak with her about what I considered to be merely a couple minor setbacks. While doing so, she insisted that I cry. I was hoping to get through it without tears and had been trying with all my might, but couldn't do it.! But it did feel good and I took myself up and down the road a few times, noticing the scenery more and more and more. So while perched in the hear-and-now, somewhat better able to look upon my past, I see not only the obvious patterns, but the driving forces behind these patterns are becoming clear, as well.

It begins with the memories of childhood feelings when my dad was home. I was happy when he was there; I felt protected and safe. But at the same time, I was sad and anxious because I knew at any time he would be leaving the house and when he did, I felt unprotected, alone and, most of all, un-noticed. His comings and goings varied from day to day. I had no control over that. What's amazing to me now is that I've chosen to be in relationships with men who possess these same qualities. They've all had odd jobs with odd hours. When I did spend time alone with them, the feelings of happy-sad anxiousness feelings emerged, identical to those of my childhood. But what changed in my adult life is that I was no longer paralyzed by the feelings, but I began to react to them. Thusly, controling patterns emerged. If I couldn't make them want to be at home or control when they would be at home, I at least could know everything about what they were doing otherwise or assuming I could go along with them. I've dated 3 different bartenders for God's sake! I knew if I wanted to, I could go to the bar to see them. I had control over that. When dating a loser with no driver's license as a result of various DWI charges, I knew if he had to go somewhere, I would have to take him. I had control. And what in the world would I have done without 24-hour access via cell phones? Was I happy in these relationships? In a sick sort of way, yes. I was re-living childhood grief because that's what's familiar to me. I wasn't necessarily dating bad people, I was clinging to the familiar, unaware that it was detrimental to my growth and I needed so much more. I failed to realize at the time that I need structure, stability and a nice balance of independence. And it's better for all involved if I don't try to create it myself. So recognized.

It's nice...getting through a weekend without the burdensome effects of alcohol. I consumed nothing except a couple glasses of wine at a family picnic on Saturday. Some say it's a sign that you're getting old. I don't like that phrase. I'm maturing, thank you. And what is this maturing thing I speak of? Dictionaries like to describe it as: The state or quality of being fully grown or developed. Ok so physically, all adults are mature. Emotionally, however, the majority of us are half-baked.

Friday Mike and I shared marvelous conversation over dinner at Lazlos before checking out the new Robin Williams flick, "Death to Smoochie". It was fine. That's all. Fine. Afterwards, we could think of nothing better to do than home to bed...
Saturday, the family held a belated Easter dinner at Bethany Park. I took a big step and invited Mike along. He has already met the majority of my family, so everything went swimmingly. He even passed initiation by being co-star in one of Luke's raunchier sheep jokes. I was then donned pseudo mom to neice Chelsie for the rest of the evening. It had been awhile since the kid spent the night with me. She had merely one question: "can we stay up and watch movies all night?" We tried, but by 11:00 she was fast asleep, cuddled up with Sigmund the cat. And finally, Sunday my sisters and I hosted a bridal shower for my brother's bride, Melissa. After bidding farewell to most of the guests, the few remaining family members joined forces and made platters and platters of wedding mints for the upcoming nuptials. So between Easter dinner saturday, the shower and minting, I'm way over my alloted sugar quotient - for the year! Life is good.

Still driving along... Is it Friday already? It's crazy how the days, weeks and months fly by. Why, it seems like only yesterday when, with Christmas bells tolling, I was packing up and moving out of my beloved home into the life of singledome. Now, it seems that just when things are feeling right, the x calls; sad, confused and lonely and just needing to talk which forces my detour onto Downers Drive. I guess that's all part of the trip and it's fine since I still care for the guy, probably always will, but it tears me up to hear his voice. I hope and pray he'll soon find his way onto Happy Lane.

Writer's Block... I excused myself from work this afternoon, begging forgiveness and understanding for my sleepiness. So now I'm home, on my couch, with the laptop, ready to write and nothing, nothing comes to me. Who took my creativity? Maybe it will come back with sleep.

I'm tired... Friday night after the hockey game, Mike and I met up with cousin Christie and friends for a two-hour limo drive to celebrate her birthday. It was a nice change of pace getting to party on wheels and we all had a blast. Needless to say, Saturday was spent in relaxation. I was basically planted on Mike's couch where I made a little bit of an effort to tend to my homework, but there were too many good movies on. Why do the homework today that you can put off til the night before class. Yesterday (Easter Sunday) I was invited to mom's for dinner with her and grandma. I, in turn, invited Mike whose family Easter plans had been quashed. It seemed only appropriate that my mother finally meet Mike since he has been one of my best friends for over a year now. All went well. So today I'm tired. To Wednesday and beyond! After which, I currently have no plans til Saturday. Maybe my floor will finally get vaccuumed.