I can definitely tell there's something inside me... Last friday night, as Mike and I lay on the couch watching TV, I felt very distinct movements inside my belly. At first it felt like a very faint little squirmy thing moving around. As I concentrated more on it, it seemed like it was maybe stretching and later, very small little kicks, definitely kicks. It is an unexplainable feeling, really, and a wonderful experience. I honestly feel sorry for men for never getting to feel it. I'm sure, though, that I will take back those words once I'm feeling the pains of labor...

Saturday morning, we awoke bright and early and took off to Kansas City with my brothers and family. After checking into our hotel, we checked in to Worlds of Fun. It ended up being only a "state of fun" for me, for a number of things kept me from experiencing the worlds of fun its name promises. Firstly, I cannot ride most of the rides because of the pregnancy, of course. Ah, the sacrifices... First alcohol, then this! Second, it was about 99 degrees and when they tell you your body heats up during pregnancy, they aren't kidding. I was miserably hot while waiting for the others to ride the roller coasters. My only relief came at the fury of the nile when I was graciously splattered a little bit with some stinky water. It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I was happy just being with Mike and my family, but when someone suggested we leave about 2:30 and come back later when it was cooler, I was the first to agree. So after we went back to the hotel, took a quick dip in the pool and showered, we ate at Ruby Tuesdays and I was content. I went straight to my bed at the hotel and did not leave it until 9:00 the next morning. I was experiecing a tiredness like no other. Mike was sweet enough to stay with me while everyone else went back to the park, even though all I did was sleep.

I awoke refreshed the next day, ready for Oceans of Fun. The sky was overcast and the weather was tolerable, especially since I was able to be in water all day. I braved the slides with the whole family, bobbed around in surf city and Mike and I spent some quality time in the adult pool. I had a virgin daquari which helped me feel more like myself. After meeting up with the others again for a hotdog, we were just about to go in the "little river" as Haylee appropriately called the Carribean Cooler, when it began to rain. At first it was a nice, light rain and we were set to wait it out under a tree, but as soon as the thunder and lightening began, right above our heads, we decided to call it quits. It was mass panic when a monsoon came in, complete with hail. I hadn't been in rain that heavy - ever! It seemed silly to see everyone running for cover from getting wet while in their swimsuits. Alas, we all made it back to the van just as it let up. Figures.

On the way home, Haylee (who is my 4-year-old niece, by the way) thought my baby was probably hungry. I concurred. She asked what it was hungry for, Pizza Hut? Again, I agreed and we finally found one along the interstate at Hamburg, Iowa.

As always, it was nice returning home. We happily snuggled into bed, ready (kinda) to start in on normal life again. And here I sit. Content with life, and anxiously awaiting all the other good things to come...

On karma...

Karma is not something complicated or philosophical.
Karma means watching your body, watching your mouth, and watching your mind.
Trying to keep these three doors as pure as possible is the practice of karma.

-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "The Bliss of Inner Fire"

Back to normal... Thursday night I presented my paper to class on "Childhood Separation Anxiety... and it's effects on adolescents and adults" A topic that has always been of interest to me considering I had it bad as a child. I was pleased with how my presentation went and can honestly say that I felt about 90% comfortable, compared to about 50% at my final presentation in undergrad. I even had the class laughing a couple times. I think the difference was I went up there with no planned script, just knowledge. Things came out naturally and I threw in a lot of personal stories, which are sooooo easy to tell. The drive home felt good.

Friday I picked up my nephew, Chase, to spend the night. He's 8 and such an interesting person to talk to. I'm going to write a observation paper about him for class. My observations began as soon as I picked him up. After dining at Burger King, we went to Scooby Doo at SouthPointe Theatres. Besides the popcorn being dry, it was a great time. After the movie, we stopped at Target to pick up a birthday present for his sister, Chelsie, and so that he could spend his $10 bill. He's a frugal little thing....

Saturday, we lunched with grandma and aunt Kat and headed to the Tecumseh Municiple Pool for Chelsie's birthday pool party. My sister reserved the whole place for a private party. It was a great time, but I couldn't help really missing Mike. Fortunately, he returned Sunday and now all seems right with the world. I felt I couldn't get close enough to him last night in bed. It felt so good having him back.

girls nite... With Mike out of town, I figured it would be a great time to host again. Not quite oldschool style, meaning I didn't drink 2 bottles of white zin, but my oldschool friends, Tammy, Tracey and Kristal came by last night, I also was visited by the original oldschool girlfriend, Nicole. She arrived first and we discussed wedding plans. I cannot believe that after all we've been through and all the different places we've been relationship-wise, we are actually engaged at the same time. It really does say something about the wisdom of the universe. We hung out at the neighbor's pool for awhile but they unexpectely returned home early. Even though we were still welcome there, we left shortly thereafter because I felt like we were imposing...

So the rest of the girls arrived about a half hour later. It was great catching up with them. I am continually thankful for the strong friendships I've formed, for even though I haven't chatted with them for weeks, literally, I felt as if I just saw them yesterday. That is the way of true friendship, you know. I'm truly blessed.

alone and ok... Had a wonderful weekend. Mike called me at work Friday to ask me out on a "date". I was expecting just a usual night, but after I finished getting ready he said "just humor me" as he walked out the door. I watched out the window as he pulled the truck out of the garage, further out of the driveway and eventually into the circle where he did, in fact, circle around and pull back into the driveway. He then got out, with flowers, and proceeded to the door where he rang. It really was like a date. I was touched. We dined at Vincenzos and went to The Zoo Bar where Lawrence Wright "Mr. Jazz - Kansas City" was performing. Unfortunately, all the smoke made me sick and I was getting far too drowzy, far to fast, so we left around 10:30. We were parked on the top floor of the parking garage and spent some time up there, looking down on the city. It was at this point where I thought I felt the baby. It was a warm sensation, quite like expanding and contracting. The only way I could explain it to Mike was to have him imagine that there was a balloon inside him, being slightly expanded and then let go. It went on inside me for about 15 minutes that night, but I haven't felt it since. I desperately want to feel that again.

Saturday morning was spent at the mall where I purchased a ton of maternity clothes. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be in clothes that fit. I stopped by Dillards to chat with cousin Christie at the Lancomb counter and we had lunch and discussed fun things like labor and the wedding. That night, Mike and I attended the wedding of his secretary's daughter. Again, it was a nice time but I ate too much and was full and tired by about 9:00.

Sunday we journeyed to Sterling to watch my brother, Luke, play in a softball tournament in Sterling for the annual "Sterling Picnic". It's amazing how many pregnant women you notice when you're pregnant yourself. Sterling must be a fertile town.

Which brings me to Monday. We had our first marriage class with Pastor Karst in Sterling. It ended up being a great conversation about all the aspects of our relationship. We rated well and are obviously very compatible. The discussion turned to the pros and cons of organized religion and about questioning the creeds of our faith. We both like Pastor Karst a lot because he is quite liberal in his thinking and is not set on accepting things, just because he is taught them. He likes to know why, just like Mike and I.

And Tuesday morning Mike left for another fishing trip, this time to Devil's Lake, SD. So last night I spent most of the evening preparing for a presentation due at class on Thursday. I'm satisfied so far with what I accomplished and will be even more satisfied on Friday, when it's over....

New perspectives... I feel like I'm really starting to get this job. Makes me wonder how I'd do on the administrative side of the mental health care industry. It's interesting learning this aspect and it has also inspired me to think a little more abstractly about my future goals. I've concluded that for now my best option would be to get well-rounded experience in all aspects of the field and then decide. I still really want to counsel and can't wait until that is a possibility.

At class last night we had small panel for discussion on the subject of self-concept. We are studying the adolescent stages of developement. We had a homosexual man (Mike) and a bi-racial man (TJ) who answered our questions about their experiences. While I sat there with my baby in my belly, with my friend Heather next to me who is 8 1/2 months pregnant, I couldn't help but wonder what Mikes thoughts were on raising a family, so I asked. He said he wasn't at a point to consider that right now because his career was his priority. He did say that he would love to have a family someday. I found myself really hoping it would happen for him because I got the impression he would be great at it. Pregnancy is making me at people differently. I'm starting to look at people's parent potential.

It's official... I'm wearing pregnant panties and an authentic maternity sundress from Motherhood. I look like a big tent, but I'm so comfy!!

We went to our third midwife appointment yesterday. The little fetus' heart is still pumping away but it has slowed down to 152 bpm. We were also shown a to-scale replica of what the baby looks like right now. It is as long as my hand! I've also gained four pounds since the last appointment. Not bad, Molls.

Big... I think I've grown overnight. It took three changes of clothes this morning to even feel close to comfortable. My breasts are huge and I can feel my stomach on the insides of my arms as I sit here and type. I'm wearing a shirt I bought a couple months ago that I was sure would get me through the summer. I give it two more weeks at this rate. It's time for another shopping trip.

Yesterday's training session in Omaha went well. I was back in the Lincoln Office by 3:30. After work, it was the same routine, workout with Mike and home for dinner. We made lasagna last night. It also seemed to be telephone night as I talked to a few friends and my brother. (I'm rarely on the phone) The tiredness is starting up again. I think I might have made it to 10:00 last night, but not sure. But the good news is I wake up happy.

On an entirely different note, I thought I'd throw in some Buddist wisdom today. This passage is good to think about when times are tough and you think life is hard...

Life's easy to live
for someone unscrupulous,
cunning as a crow,
corrupt, back-biting,
forward, & brash;

But for someone who's constantly
scrupulous, cautious,
observant, sincere,
pure in his livelihood,
clean in his pursuits,
it's hard

Don't have much time this morning as I have to be leaving for Omaha shortly for a training session. I do want to jot down last nights dream, though, before I forget it...

I saw my daughter. She was about 5 years old and very beautiful with long, curly hair. Not blonde, not brown, but somewhere in between, kinda like my natural color. She was showing me her hands and on her finger were two rings. One was a ring my dad gave to my mom when they were in high school and the other was my mom's wedding ring. She told me all about how her grandmother had given those rings to her. She sounded so smart and her voice was so beautiful. I could've listened to her forever. I can't wait to have my baby!!!

Life is good... I missed my workout Friday because I discovered as I was driving to the Y that I forgot my shoes. So I returned home with my trusty headache. Those things seem to be becoming regulars in my life. At this point, I'm blaming pretty much everything on the pregnancy. Even all the strange dreams about water.

Saturday, Mike and I went to Omaha to fullfil Mike's father's day promise to his dad - re-painting his living room. So he and I and his brother in law tackled that project in the morning. Mike's nephen, Ben, helped us later in the morning. I must mention that he is the sweetest kid in the world. He made me a "Welcome to the Family" card. What normal 11-year old boy does that!? I was touched. We just happened to bring the boat and in the afternoon, we set sail down the Missouri River. It was my first time on the river and I loved it. It was a great get-away and seemed to be its own little world out there. There were various "Tom Sawyer" -like camps along the way. We traveled about 25 miles north and stopped at the Cottonwood Marina in Blair to have a drink amongst genuine river rats. In future boating excursions, I believe the river will be my waterway of choice. It was a great day.

On Sunday, we awoke and, after some frolicking in bed, went to Panera's for brunch. It was so hot and muggy that after getting groceries, we decided to forego any outside activity and stay in the confines of the air-conditioned home for the rest of the day. Mike couldn't do it, though, and decided to grill brats for supper and I composed 2 pages of my term paper. It's a start. Another nice, relaxing day.

Happy 5th... Yesterday proved to be one of the best 4ths I can remember. Mike awoke bright and early to begin smokin the ribs. I made a trip to the store to purchase ingredients for the strawberry fluff I made later. About noon we headed across the circle to the neighbor's pool. We were fortunuate enough to have about 45 minutes alone before the neighbor kids joined us. spent the next couple hours being entertained and getting a mild sunburn. After a quick shower and a not-so-quick romp, Mike continued with smoke detail and I took a nap, only to be awakenen by the smell of smoked brisket. Yummmmm. We headed to the neighbors to eat, the kids lit a few small firecrackers and we watched the Holmes Lake fireworks show through a thicket of trees in the neighbor's back yard. Grand finale of the night, Mike put on his own fireworks show in the middle of the circle. oooooooh. aaaaaaaah. By the time he was done, I was exhausted and smelled of smoke. We were both asleep within minutes of returning home. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Quickly... Day three at the new job and still liking it. An associate from Omaha will be coming in shortly to train me on the computer system. Last night, Mike and I worked out as usual, and afterwards I felt as if I couldn't wait one more second to eat. We ended up ordering pizza, watching the continuing saga that is American Idol (I usually try to stay away from silly reality shows, but Iike this one) and answering and returning a number of phone calls. Slept good, with the exception of a wierd dream, and was awakend all too soon this morning. But I am so happy to be working, it almost doesn't matter...

Back on track... I spent the weekend in San Francisco with two old roommates. My friend Mary and I flew out to visit Cami. The three of us used to live together here in Lincoln. It was a great, yet exhausting trip for me. I am discovering that this pregnant body has a bit of difficulty finding comfortable positions, especially on airplanes. But it was all worth it to spend time with Cami and Mary. We made several trips to the Castro and Haight districts, went to Circo Zero, and caught a glimpse of the streets of Castro Saturday night before GayPride Sunday. To me, it looked like what we like to call a street dance in these parts, without the band and adding a few thousand more people clad in leather and chains. By that hour on Saturday night, we were all tired enough to be ok with the fact that we couldn't find a parking place. I returned Sunday afternoon to my dear Mike who had prepared a perfect dinner. So after a shower, food and short nap, we reacquainted (if ya know what I mean) and I slept deeply.

So now I'm sitting at work. Yes, you heard me right. I'm working again. I started yesterday here at Camelot Care Center and can tell already that I'm going to really like it. I was going to wait a couple weeks to inform my boss, Karah, that I was "with child", but I was feeling so comfortable talking with her yesterday that I went ahead and spilled it. I feel so much better now. I guess I just don't feel like hiding it from anyone. I don't feel like trying to squeeze my ever-expanding belly into normal-looking outfits. I give myself 1 month, tops, before I will need to don full-fledged maternity gear.