straight from the notebook... I list below some things I've learned thus far in my psychopathology class that I find enlightening...

a normal, healthy personality is defined as: (1)conforming to or consisting of a pattern, process, or standard regarded as usual or typical and (2) well-adjusted, without marked or persistent mental, personal, emotional or behavior aberrations.

"normal" personality traits are destinguished by: (and the presence of these things apparently makes you a happier person)

self-actualizing - reasonable level of confidence, initialve, style of motivation, opportunity seeking, satisfaction with acquired status.
ability to accept oneself, others and nature - such persons accept their shortcomings, are not ashamed or being what and who they are, have a positive self-concept, feel they are making contribution to the world and have recognition and acceptance of self.
adequate perception of and comfortable attitude toward reality - prefer to cope with unpleasant realities rather than to avoid or deny them. base decision on how things really are rather than on how they wish they were.
spontaneity - is relatively spontaneous in behaviour and thought; behave naturally.
focus on external problems - locus of control balance, but general focus on external rather than worrying about themselves; not overly self-conscious; can devote attention to a task that seems appropriate; recognition of responsibility, but not blame.
need for privacy - enjoys time to self, some solitude, even more than others (not aloof or withdrawing); devote time to themselves but very much appreciate others around them.
independence from the environment - remains relatively stable and secure in spite of harsh conditions; can maintain happiness in circumstances that might upset others; withstand stress such as economic depreivation, physical hardship.
continued freshness of appreciation - capacity to appreciate again and again basic joys of world and nature; have ability to see uniqueness and enjoy many commonplace experiences...creative, open, posses strong feeling of "belongingness" with humanity.

meant to be... I awoke from sleep last night scared. It was another dark dream that I had but I looked over at Mike and felt safe. Lying there, I began to think about what the past year has brought. Thinking back to August, 2001, I remember how unsettled I felt. These memories have been confirmed as I spent a good part of this morning reading brainsponge archives from last fall. It is so apparent now how I was merely trying to make myself believe that everything was ok. But in the here and now, as I close my eyes and take myself back to that time and place, the feeling is complete frustration, dissatisfaction and sadness. So as I lay in bed last night, I felt thankful for today. After all, I now have everything I want, and it has become my present life not through struggle, but easily as if it was always meant to be. I have a home and am carrying a living being, a child made from a little bit of me and a little bit of a man who I've loved ever since the moment I met him. Truth being told, and not everyone else knows this, I fell in love with Mike when I wasn't supposed to. I struggled so hard with that, my subconscious knowing I would probably not be completely happy without him, but choosing at the time to sacrifice that. I'm thankful that even though I took away the right choice from myself, the choices of another led me to the place I longed to be. Reading post-breakup brainsponge posts has also given me insight into what an amazing period of growth I went through during January and February of this year. Looking back on all the negative feelings, the sadness, disappointment, guilt, hopelessness, you name it... it all pointed to a renewal that I thereafter and am still currently experiencing. Did you know that I feel my baby now every single day? She is strong in there and constant proof of the magic of this universe. She, too, was created not through struggle, but came to be as easily as if she were meant to be. Because she is.

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning... After an emotional Wednesday and Thursday (I blame the full moon), I returned home from class earlier than anticipated late last night and found Mike in the midst of setting up many, many candles. But without giving up, he turned out the lights, started up my favorite CD and led me to a bubble bath. I was so touched that I couldn't help but cry because I felt so special and lucky. He joined me in the tub and that, along with everything else, was enough to make everything all better. We talked about nice things. Everything was perfect. Of course, after the bath we enjoyed each other in bed and fell asleep to the sound of the thunderstorm. Getting out of bed this morning was next to impossible and I would've given anything to stay there with him. But alas, I made it to work, still feeling relaxed and content...

I decided I didn't feel good... and spent Monday afternoon in bed. It seemed that I was fighting off some sort of bug. I'm feeling much better now, but my allergies have taken over in their attempt to make me miserable. They will not win, I took Sudafed.

It's one of those days... where I can't decide if I feel good or not. I may feel some sort of illness coming on. Nevertheless, I have a few minutes before Monday check-in, so I will brief you on my days post-last-post...

Thursday night I started in on my next class... Psychopathology. Although it appears the teacher will keep us there the entire 4 1/2 hours for the full nine weeks, I trust it will be an interesting class and I've already gotten a lot out of it. In fact, later on today if I have time, I will share some of my absorptions from first class.

Friday night, I took Mike out to dinner. I'm finally to the point where I have some extra money and wanted to at least do something for him for all he's done for me. We went to Red Lobster and stuffed ourselves. Afterward, we rented "John Q" and snuggled on the couch. I love nights like that.

Saturday, we made the trip to Plattsmouth to pick out wedding bands. It took about 15 minutes for both of us to decide what we wanted; we're simple people - especially compared to the salesgirls who donned the biggest rings I've ever seen. One girl had on a 3.8 karat diamond and the other's was well over 4 karats. They were kind enough to let me hold them and try them on. They weren't really me, (but I may be able to get used to one). On the way home we stopped by my mom's to let Truman play with Durango, Levi's Visla. Then it was off to Ribfest that night where we met up with Mike's old friends Troy and Kelly. It was a beautiful night and after stuffing ourselves, we sat around for awhile, complaining of how full we were, then decided Zesto's sounded pretty good. Go figure. I was happy to get home, but as I lay in bed, an old familiar feeling came upon me. Yes, a sad feeling and I desperately needed to feel Mike's arms around me. I asked him to do this and immediately felt safe to let the tears pour out. He held me and let me cry for a long time. The silly thing is, I don't know what in the world I was crying for. Even sillier is the fact that this is a repeated act in my life. When speaking with Jan about it a long time ago, she alluded it was a cleansing/healing type of thing resulting from keeping too much inside for too long. The good news is, I woke up Sunday morning feeling happy and especially thankful for Mike. I love him. Accordingly, we made love.

After the bliss was through, we went to Barnes and Nobel to purchase a birthday gift for his mom, had bagels and hot chocolate at Panera's and headed to my mom's to meet my family for the trip to Mike's sister's in Omaha for the first meeting of our two families. After deciding who would ride with whom, we began our journey and were all greeted at the door by Mike's nephew Ben. I must say everything went smoothly and I think we all got along well. Mike's sister, Mary, was a great host and everyone felt comfortable. I returned home drained, but after showering and lighting some candles, happy to be laying in bed with Mike, in my favorite room, our dark, blue bedroom.

I'm so proud... My little sis has created her own webpage here.

Bored... at work today. Sooooo, I'm eating lots of tootsie rolls and reading this book. Great author. It's making me chuckle...

Ooh, blue... Saturday we painted the guest bathroom. It now looks like the inside of a swimming pool. Aqua blue... When we first started painting, we were both a little skeptical. But it turned out great, especially after we hung the new white shower curtain with little blue squares and put beach pictures on the walls. Sunday, my family (18 in all) came over for smoked ribs. I love it when that happens. I usually get quite drained from hosting that many people, but for some reason my family doesn't have this effect on me. Mike was drained, though, probably because he did more work than I.

In other news, we are getting our engagement pictures taken tonight. I'm anxious to see if my 15 pound weight gain will be as obvious in a picture as it is to me...

By the way... IT'S A GIRL!

blonde again... Christie graciously lighted my locks last night and I'm likin' it. It's been awhile since I've been blonde, thinking it wise last year to return to my original hair-color, which is a dark blonde type, I think they appropriately call it dirty blonde. But this is better. Now I can monitor my growth by watching my dark roots... yeah! We had other company last night, as well, when good ol' Trace stopped by to walk Truman. Later Aunt Kat and Uncle Bob showed up and the neighbors even stopped by for a bit. There was great energy in the house and Sigmund the cat even stayed out of hiding and made it around the table a couple times to spread his love.

I hate the word horney... So I will say that I have been "wantin' it" since yesterday afternoon. After telling Mike of my dilema after work yesterday, he was nice enough to oblige and we skipped our usual workout at the Y for a stay-at-home workout that was much more fun. The feeling came upon me yesterday about 2:00 when I was right smack dab in the middle of a CPR training course, and even though things got taken care of, I still seem to have some lingering longings that are quite strong. Hmmmmmm.

It's a.... Mike and met our baby today via ultrasound and were advised of its sex. I will not post it because there are a few people who I would like to tell in person and not have them read it here first. What I can say is what a magical experience it was. I could not believe that right there on the screen was my baby. Its little legs were bending and stretching, its arms were waving and its head moved from side to side. At one point it actually put its thumb in its mouth and began sucking, but not for long because the hand jerked out of it almost as soon as it started sucking. The little thing moves a lot but does not have much coordination. My favorite part was watching the little legs kick. I was amazed that I could distinguish the little thighs and calves. Missy conducted the ultrasound and she took us on a guided tour of our baby's little home. She checked out the brain, heart, kidneys, lungs... everything looked perfect!!! I must say that I'm very relieved and happy. And I can't explain the feeling I got when she told us the sex. Not that that matters much to me, but being able to know just that much more about the little thing is wonderful. I love it so much already. We had the ultrasound videotaped, so I can watch it over and over.

Afterwards, we celebrated by applying for our marriage license. Then we stopped by my mom's office to show her the four still photos we had and to tell her the sex. She was pleased and made photocopies of the pictures for her photo album. And now I'm back at work. It is virtually impossible to concentrate on anything today. I can't seem to stop looking at the ultrasound pictures. They're so cute!!

And for a quick update on my weekend....

Friday night we painted our hallway

Saturday we took the boat to the river and invted my friends, Tracey, Tammy and Trudy to come along. It was a great day, despite being 100 degrees. We drove up to the Cottonwood Marina in Blair, tubing and skiing along the way (not me, of course), stopped for a drink at the Marina, and returned the way we came. It was great getting away from everything out on the River again.

And yesterday we awoke about 9, had breakfast and began painting our bedroom. It is now a dark blue color. I love it. We also re-arranged the furniture and the whole room seems much cozier and we decided to spend the rest of the night there. We had a couple bouts of fun in bed (if ya know what I mean - and yes I said a couple), ordered pizza, watched the Osbournes and fell asleep. It doesn't really get any better than that...

the baby must eat... had a girls night out last night with Stacy and C.Leigh. But before I talk about how great that was, let me share with you some of the less wonderful aspects of yesterday. The morning faired well but as I was driving back to work after lunch, I began to cry heavily. I believe this strong emotional outburst was, in reality, an overload of emotion caused from thoughts of my life. I was picturing having a baby and a husband. Things I've wanted, really, since I was a little girl. I'm happy that the energies of the universe had sense enough to veer me along paths around marriage and child-bearing until this later stage of my life and I can't really explain, to you or to myself, how strong of an emotion it is when I think about it. Needless to say, the rest of the afternoon took a strange turn, as I did not know when another of these episodes would occur. I started to then feel scared and anxious and a little on the irritable side. I think emotional instability sums it up. I cried hard on the way home, was a bit sensitive and crabby towards Mike and during my workout at the Y. But I then met up with the girls and felt, emotionally at least, a lot better. We talked of Stacey's new men, C.Leigh's new house and my new fetus and ever-growing body, among other things. The conversations veered somehow toward death and a debate over burial or cremation. It was nice, but I proceeded to eat too much and was miserably full for the rest of the night, with a backache to top it all off. All that seemed tolerable, though, because I was able to return to a beautiful home, a wonderful man and a big, comfy bed. And now, almost 21 hours later, I'm still a little full from last night's meal, but I mustn't forget... the baby must eat.