Yes, I'm still here... Here I sit, my last day of work for 8 weeks. I'm a little nervous in an excited sort of way (does that make sense?). My maternity leave starts on Monday, even though I'm still not sure if I will be induced that day or not. Either way, I feel as if, mentally and physically, I cannot handle work anymore. Not that it's such a hard job, but just because my mind is so far away. In fact, I kinda hope to have Monday to myself, there are a lot of things around the house that I can do to prepare. I think it's time to dust and vaccuum again, and my office needs some attention. But enough about that.

Christmas was wonderful. It just happened to be the best Christmas of my adult life. That is, looking at it as being the first in a long time where I was actually emotionally healthy and happily content. Christmas Eve found Mike and I in attendance at the 4:30 service at Southwood Lutheran church. We thereafter traveled to Omaha for a wonderful prime rib dinner with his family at his sister's. We awoke Christmas morning and spent a little "quality time" together in bed, afterwards opening our gifts to each other, and then making ourselves ready for Christmas with my family at mom's. It was a great day, a perfect Christmas.

But as the clock ticked past midnight that evening, I awoke for my usual trip to the bathroom and noticed my back was aching. I was kinda excited because I thought maybe I was going into labor. I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, waiting for contractions and not sleeping. As you can imagine, when Mike suggested that we both play hookey the next day, I immediately agreed. We slept in, made a trip to Scheels for Mike to spend his Christmas money at his favorite store and went to the mall for an exchange. The mall was crazy crowded and by the time we left, I was exhausted and my back was hurting even worse. I spent the rest of the day and night with a heating pad on the couch. I did actually have two real, painful contractions, but they did not continue. Aaarrggh!

So t-minus 8 hours and counting. I'll be frreeeeee... kinda...

had a little nervous breakdown last night... It's been awhile since that's happened, but I guess that's the type of thing that is bound to happen once in awhile. I will set up my day for you.

It began at 4 am when I awoke from sleep. I went to the bathroom for the 8th time that night and returned to my empty bed. It was empty, you see, because poor Mike has been resorting to sleeping on the couch due to my incessant snoring. It's embarrassing for me to admit, but it's become quite the problem for the last few months, resulting from the 30 pounds I've gained, the constant stuffed nose and the inability to sleep on my stomach. So I lay in the bed, alone, and I began to think. Of course I think about the baby. I think that I am now overdue and wonder why that bothers me so much. I figure out it is because I was so determined to have a daughter by Christmas, and now it is looking like that will not happen. Not a big deal, but frustrating. I got caught up in that expectation thing that I try so hard to avoid because I KNOW what it does to me. It causes frustration breakdowns. So I rationalize my way through that, my only comfort coming from knowing that I'm scheduled for induction on December 30. At least I can be sure of something, right? (another expectation: can you see where this is going?)

So I continue to think about things. I miss my husband and I want him in bed with me. I begin to miss making love like we used to. Ever since about the 7th month, pregnant sex has been unappealing to me. The positions are limited and things just don't feel the same. I want to feel Mike close to me, but he can't get close because, literally, the baby is between us. So this starts to make me sad and, again, my only comfort comes from the expectation that I will be done by the 30th at the latest!

At this time it is about 5 am. I go get Mike from the couch and ask him to come to bed. Having him there was comforting and I began to feel better, yet I still couldn't sleep. But you guessed it, about 10 minutes before the alarm was scheduled to ring, I fall asleep.

At work I was greeted with the all too familiar, "are you still here?" I'm getting wary of that statement. I know everyone is anxious, but no one as anxious as I. I'm self-conscious, tired of being noticed as "still pregnant", just plain tired of being pregnant. I grin and bear it because, yeah, only til the 30th, right?

Mike picked me up in the afternoon for our midwife appointment. Joanne is gone for the week and we will be seen by Carol. First of all, I've gained 3 pounds since last Wednesday. But some good news is that Macy has rolled over and is posterior on my left side, which is supposed to be the perfect place for her to be (she's been on the right for awhile and I've been doing exercies to move her). I wanted Carol to say something like, "looks like you're in labor, let's go to the hospital." But no. And here's the topper... We ask her to confirm with the hospital that we're scheduled for induction on the 30th and the hospital doesn't have us scheduled. We're not sure if Joanne forgot, or changed her mind, but either way, now we don't know what's going on. We were instructed to call Monday morning to find out. So my ray of light has been smothered, my expectation quashed. I'm so scared now that we'll call Monday and be told we can't get in for a week or something. I'm just so fed up, frustrated and tired and my only comforting, stable thought has been that scheduled induction on the 30th. I know, I'm being a big baby. There are so many things that could have gone wrong. I've been happy, healthy and I'm down to the last few days, regardless. Again, it's those damn expectations that I can't seem to get rid of.

But at this point of the day I'm still quite calm. I go back to work, but am admittedly depressed for the rest of the afternoon. It doesn't help that I have absolutely nothing to do. When 5 finally rolls around and I'm driving home, I should have known something wasn't right with me because one of my favorite songs was on the radio, and I turned it off. But I finally arrive home to my wonderful husband and, you guessed it, one little harmless, meaningless conversation with him about post-pregnancy weight loss sends me into a fit of tears that didn't stop for hours. I thought I had them under control and we headed out the door to our final childbirth class, but three blocks away, I squeaked out that I didn't want to go. Mike immediately turned around and drove home. Once inside, I ran to the bathroom to bawl. The thought of going to class and being asked questions and being looked at... I knew I'd lose it.

But Mike was there and he took care of me. He held me as I cried and prepared a fire in the fireplace while I showered. We lay on the couch and talked for hours. We opened the gifts in our stockings, because, as Mike put it, that's the benefit of being an adult, you can do what you want. We saved the big ones for Christmas day, of course, but after all that, it turned out to be a wonderful evening... that is, after my breakdown ceased.

So here we are, Christmas Eve. I'm much better today. I'm not expecting anything from this little, stubborn baby, except that she come out when she's ready. I feel like such a clod when I think about how silly this is. I think about my dad, who went through years of pain dying from cancer, who never complained. I think about my mom, who had 5 kids, I think we were all late, and she never complained. And I think of all the people who want to have a baby and can't, or who lose their babies to miscarriage or some other tragedy, and here I am, breaking down because of impatience and frustration. I'm such a jerk.

On that happy note, I want to wish all reading a great holiday. Rest assured I will begin to write of other things besides being pregnant, most likely motherhood, after all this is over. I hope to keep my readers entertained and will try not to be an annoying mom-writer. We'll just see. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

click here... to check out Cami's new website. She has been working on it for a long time and I think it's awesome. I'm so proud of her.

There's good news, and there's disappointing news... The disappointing news: I'm barely 1 cm dialated. The good news: I'm 90% effaced. This means two things: I'm barely 1 cm dialated and I'm 90% effaced. In other words, this really means nothing. I could go into labor tonight, or it could be another two weeks. Joanne did go on ahead and schedule me to be admitted to St. Elizabeth on the 30th to be induced... just in case she hasn't made her way out by then. I feel better knowing there's some sort of schedule and my big belly time is almost done. Plus, with Christmas next week, I have so much to look forward to, it should go fast.

And on that note, just in case I'm not able to post in the near future... Merry Christmas to all!!

No matter what, the time is drawing ever nearer, every day... Yesterday was a physically painful day. I'm having more and more contractions, but these feelings are frusterating and confusing. Some of them feel short and sharp way down in my lower belly and in my crotch area. They make make me stop dead in my tracks and take my breath away. I'm glad they don't last long. But ther are others that feel like strong menstrual cramps and last for several seconds, making me feel either like I need to poop or throw up (sorry for the graphics, but it's important for self-documentation). Both feelings cause my stomach to become rock hard, another uncomfortable feeling. I was sure yesterday that I would never make it through the night, but the minute I laid down in bed, everything felt fine. I slept great, waking only three times to pee. I have had a few of the sharp pains today, but nothing bad. I'm anxiously awaiting the appointment with the midwife in exactly 50 minutes. She'll surely shed some light on what's going on here. I will post more after the appointment.

what to say?.. My posts here have sure been slacking. I really do have a lot of sponging going on, but just not the focus to write about it, which is bad. My life is going on as usual and I'm feeling as if I'll be pregnant for longer than anticipated. Just impatience? We'll see. Both Mike and I have been inundated with advice on how to stimulate labor, everything from walking to shopping to sex. And we've done a little bit of everything. I am convinced, however, that nothing we do will make it happen before it's supposed to. She'll come into this world exactly how she's planned to and I'm ok with that. I'm just anxious to meet her, see what she looks like and hold her.

The weeks have been flying by and I'll get off the pregnancy subject already! Let's see. My Christmas shopping is done, presents wrapped and they were under the tree until Truman the Visla dog decided to unwrap one. Now they are placed neatly in the guest room. The stockings are hung on the fireplace. I've never had that before. Such a nice thing. Our house and our neighbor's were mentioned in the Saturday paper as one of the "houses to see" on your tour of christmas lights this year. I'm so proud. They really do look great, you should drive by and see them.

I finished my Clinical Assessment class last week, finally handing in my paper on Couple Assessment tools in therapy. It was an interesting paper, but I have to admit my heart and mind wasn't fully in it at this point in my life. Funny how I had a few other things on my mind, so much else to think about and be excited about.

So as you can tell by this terribly-written post, I'm not fully inspired to write these days. But in a nutshell, this is pretty much it. I'll keep trying...

Telephone call from God... The phone rang at 3:30 this morning. When we didn't answer, it rang again. There was no one there. The caller id said the call was coming from the Cathedral of the Risen Christ. Wonder why God was calling at that hour?

suspended silently in mid-air... This pregnancy thing is not at all like I expected it to be. I want to feel something. But I feel so totally normal, except for the big, round belly in front of me. I suppose that's good, but I'm ready for something, even if it is pain, just so I know that I can soon hold my daughter. Maybe I still need proof that this is all real. It's kinda like how I feel on airplanes, when the turbulance actually calms me because it is only then that I feel like I'm flying and not just suspended silently in mid-air. That scares me. So it seems a little as if my life is on hold right now, not to start again until I can re-claim my body and Macy can "become"...

I hope to gather some creative energy soon so I can be better at this Brainsponge thing. Soon, I'll be writing of the miracle of birth.