saying goodbye...
After much contemplation, I have decided to put Brainsponge to rest.

I have spent quite a bit of time reading over my archives. Looking back now on the words I wrote, I can feel those sad feelings. I was unhappy. But I think that my feelings of discontent and confusion are what drove Brainsponge and I'm proud of it. Those feelings are gone, I've reached a new level of personal fulfillment, but I will cherish Brainsponge as one of the most helpful tools in self-discovery. Not only that, but it allowed me to communicate to others when not doing so would have led only to further feelings of aloneness and despair. Brainsponge has ultimately done what it set out to do... squeeze out the bad and absorb the good. I can honestly say I'm a new person, cleansed and grown.

It will not be left abandoned, though. In fact, I have great plans for enhancing all those entries into some sort of story in true novel form. Probably not anytime soon, but it will be a cherished project for future days. But even so, maybe someday we'll see Brainsponge on the bookshelves, further explaining those crazy, sad, yet quite essential days gone by. One really never knows, do one...

poor, neglected brainsponge... I'd be surprised if anyone is still reading this.

I woke up cranky this morning, having no one or nothing to blame but myself and the fact that I'm a female and I menstrate. I really should read more about that whole phenomenon so I can better understand the irritability that inevitably goes along with it. Maybe I'll put that on my summer reading list, right after I finish Freud's Interpretation of Dreams that I've been putting off because of school. Eh, maybe I'll just not care.

Once again I'll state that my life has been a little hectic over the past few months, but things are slowing down now. I'm done with my Careers class after happily giving a neat little poster presentation on high school to career transitions on the long-anticipated lastnightofclass. I found that project to be fun because I was able to be creative; but I was dissatisfied because (and I'll admit procrastination) I didn't get to spend as much time on it as I would have liked. Also, I was horrified to discover that after all my last minute hard work, the poster warped a bit from sitting in my car all afternoon. But on a positive note, I was at least given a clever opening line into the actual presentation... I think I said something like, "at first glance you may think my presentation a bit "warped", but if you'll follow along, you will soon see it's relevance..." I got a few chuckles anyway... And I left happy, knowing I was done with school for the summer. I'm looking forward to my freedom for the next few months. In fact, the last week has been wonderful for that simple fact, alone. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this school thing, but I know well enough that I'd be unhappy and restless without this goal. What often makes it hard is the drastic change in priorities after marriage and having a baby. I find myself thinking more and more about staying home with my kid - and eventually - kids. In fact, I'm already starting to plan for the next one, but I won't go into that now.

So who knows when I'll post again. I'm realizing it must be a therapeutic thing. The only times lately where I'm inspired to write are when I'm in some sort of funk (ie: this morning's hormonal issues). Otherwise, it seems like I have to force myself. We'll see what brings me here next... Will it be from distress or enthuse? One never knows, do one?

crazy life... My baby was baptized last weekend in a private family ceremony in my hometown Church, along with my brother's new baby boy, Sam, and his adopted daughter, Haylee. Mike and I were Sam's Godparents. I loved watching Macy's face as the pastor poured water over her head. She did a little cringe thing at first, but she ended up with a big smile on her face. Sometimes I can't believe how beautiful she is.

My next few weeks are going to be busy and I hope to remain updated on my life-documentation, but I will choose not to worry about that for now because Mike and I are flying away to Florida tomorrow morning. It was almost one year ago that he proposed on the beaches of Clearwater and it will be wonderful to return to that spot with him. If I had only known then how much better my life was going to get.

But all that being said, I'm nervous about leaving Macy. She's staying with my mom, so she'll be in great hand, I'm going to miss her! I get more attached to her every day and am having trouble trying to picture what life will be like without her for four whole days. I guess if I have to miss her, it might as well be as I'm lying on the beach with some sort of frozen cocktail...

inspiration... I was inspired at last night's class (as I often am during my classes). We are working on career portfolios and this task is helping me see that, although I have done a few things worthy of admiration, I have not done nearly as much as I expect of myself. One section of these portfolios is dedicated to our 2-year and 5-year goals. Got me thinkin...

My first, personal, goal is to become more adept in the area of leadership. At this moment in time I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing that; truthfully, it sounds scary to this introvert, but absolutly worthy of pursuing anyway. I think a boost in self-confidence is the first step towards this goal. I often feel shy around people I don't know, i.e. at parties, etc., and have, in the past, relied on a certain state of drunkeness for the gumption to "mingle." But, moving towards a more professional life, I'd like to know how to do this in a sober state. I have incidently stumbled upon an article in the May, 2003 edition of Real Simple entitled "The 10 Big Rules of Small Talk" and have found it helpful as a starting place. According to Jennifer Tung, "...you don't have to be brilliant, just nice." Easy! Anyway, if ever in an awkward social situation, here are a few ice-breakers she suggests...

"How do you know the host?"
"Have you been to the movies lately?"
"Where did you get that lovely necklace?"
"What kind of work do you do?"
"What do you think of the band?"

Nothing too mind boggling, but never know when one of these will come in handy...

spiritiality on a stairmaster... I re-learned something about myself today. That being that physical activity is essential to my inner-dialogue. It's important in my inner-reflection, not to mention an ultimate calming and cleansing effect on my body and mind. I used to take long walks over my lunch break back when I was a paralegal. These walks were important times for me and it seems important things come into my mind while I'm either walking or pushing myself on the stairmaster. I remember lots of inner-struggles. Oftentimes during my workouts, I spend a lot of energy trying NOT to cry.

Yesterday I worked out over lunch and again felt the urge to pray. I think I talked to God for at least 15 minutes while I climbed. There were some things I needed to get off my chest, but more importantly, I needed to express thanks for everything I'm lucky enough to have. I'm trying to get the words to explain how different my life is today than it was one year ago. If you remember, it was about this time last year when my world turned completely upside-down. But out of that chaos I've been given many gifts. The most important, though, being my husband and my daughter. Nothing will ever again come close to being as meaningful as these gifts. Every day I fall more in love with both of them. Here, protected and safe in the middle of the United States. While at this very moment, war in Bahgdad. But we have taken over...

I started out opposed to this war, but have since changed my mind. Those people need to be freed from Saadam and his aweful sons. I learned this weekend that in addition to the "torture clinics", Saadam's hideous sons also run "rape camps." So why, now, are we opposing this war? Do we really think we can come to any sort of honest compromise with these types of people? How can anti-war activists continue in their plight when Iraq's very own people are cheering in the streets, thanking our troops and crying, "Thank you, Mr. Bush." Never have I changed my opinions so extremely, but the simple fact is, Saadam and his followers must be stopped. I saw an image of an American soldier handing a baby over to American doctors and wondered if Saadam would have done this? I'm glad we're helping out. It sounds so cheesy and I can't believe I'm putting this down in writing, simply because it sounds so extremely commercial, but I'm proud to be an American these days.

Stepping off my soapbox until next time.

all i can do is pray... and you thought i'd forgotten about my faith, didn't you? Well, I haven't. As I was climbing the ol' stairmaster during my lunch workout today and watching the constant breaking news of "operation enduring freedom" I was overwhelmed with the desire to pray. So I looked down at my shoes, closed my eyes and sent out a message to that ultimate energy - I like to call it God - and asked, no begged, that it be with us all during this impending war. I'm a peace-lover, but my epiphany today was the need to fight for the good in all this. I want my daughter, and the other kids I hope to have, to grow up in a peaceful world. I want what's right to prevail. I don't exactly know who's right and who's wrong in this conflict, I can't make myself be the judge. I only know that I want so hard to believe what ol' W says - that we simply want to end terrorism and make this world a better place. We have to support that, don't we?? Yes, I think we do.

Hello, my name is mollie, and i'm an obsessaholic... Anyone know of an Obsessors Anonymous group? I would love to join. It seems as if you put one little worry into my mind, and it immediately opens up all the other little worry doors up there. Right now they've all emerged and are dancing around in my head, driving me crazy!! And if that weren't enough, I'm obsessing about not obsessing. Good grief!

so i woke up cranky on saturday morning... I didn't realize until later that my crankiness was a result of knowing I couldn't eat ony of the girl scout cookies we just got, nor could I have my usual morning Mountain Dew. These thoughts upset me. I have since realized that dieting is, plain and simply, a mind game. I also realized that I felt better after talking to my sister, Beki, on the phone (she's trying to diet, too). It really helped to be able to talk about my frusterations with her and listen to hers, as well. Misery loves company, you know. I am happy to say that I made it through the weekend without eating any carbs (ok, maybe a few grams, but not very many at all - really!). I also worked out over my lunch break yesterday and plan on continuing that routine at least 3 times per week. That felt good, despite that out-of-shape burning sensation I felt in my lungs and throat.

baby's first cold... Macy woke up all sniffly this morning. She's getting a little cold, bless her heart. I tried to help her out by using one of those baby booger-sucking suction bulb thingies. It worked because she thereafter was able to breath a little quieter, but it scared her a little bit. And, silly as this may sound, we may have bonded a little more, too. I find myself thinking about her alot more than usual today. Love has an amazing way of getting stronger every day. I didn't know this until I had my own little family.

jumping on the protein diet bandwagon... After a long discussion today with my boss about her husband's recent success on the low carb/high protein diet, I've decided to give it a whirl. (I had a cup of turkey for lunch - that's all.) I'm still struggling with these last 10 pounds and even though I don't feel like I'm overeating, I still seem to appear pretty flabby and none of my clothes are fitting. I either need to lose some weight, or go on an all-out shopping spree for bigger clothes. I don't feel desperate to lose a lot of weight, I just want to get in a normal range. I do feel better there. Granted, 10 weeks ago I was carrying an 8 pound bundle of joy and an additional 30 pounds of other miscellaneous pregnancy-related fluids. It's got to take awhile for things to fall back into place, right?

Otherwise, the day has been uneventful. I have class tonight and I'm wondering what in the world I'm going to find to eat between here and school that is carb-free. I guess McDonalds is out of the question, unless, that is, I opt for the McSalad Shaker. I'm so hungry...

This may sound silly... but I'm menstruating again and I'm pretty excited about it. I guess it may be because it means I'm getting back to normal. The other good news that goes along with this is the fact that I'm starting up the birth control thing again. After a long discussion with Joanne, I decided to try the newest form of birth control - the NuvoRing. I have taken the Pill on several different occasions in the past, each time I went through huge bouts of anxiety and depression. It was kinda like constant PMS. My first day on the Ring caused about the same reaction, but I seem to be doing better now. It's almost too hard to explain that emotional hormonal crap, so I won't. The happy news is I feel normal today...

More happy news is that I finished my homework last night and with that final keystroke on my laptop at home, I'm officially done with the "work" part of this class, needing only now to show up at class for the next two weeks. I'm so proud of myself. Five years ago, I would have dropped this class before I would've interviewed 15 strangers. But even though it wasn't easy for me, I did it. It definitely has help me grow some more; and it's enlightening watching how I interact with people on the videos. I don't look half as nervous as I felt. I think everyone should videotape themselves at least once in a normal conversation. I've discovered that I lick my lips a lot, but I was pleasantly surprised that I actually don't nod my head and say "uh-huh" as much as I felt like I did. I may have potential.

How in the world can I sum up the past two months of my life... I'm back to work this week and I did way better than I thought I would dropping Macy of at Susie's (the babysitter) on Monday morning. Mike and I both went. We walked into her bright and cozy kitchen, sat Macy's carseat on the table and Susie immediately took her out and introduced her to her new friends... Mason, Rachel, Tyler and Shelby. Mason was busy eating breakfast, Tyler was doing tummy-time on the floor, but Rachel and Shelby were quite interested in her, offering to read her a book. I felt good leaving her there and was thankful for that. Our search for quality in-home daycare during January was an interesting one, but I'm confident we found a jewel in Susie. Mike has taken on the responsibility of dropping Macy off and picking her up everyday since it is on his way to work, and he has reported all smiles from Macy both during the drop-offs and pick-ups. I'm thrilled with this news.

I also started back to school January 14. Theories I. Being in class, itself, is basically painless. The class is filled with strong personalities and discussions get quite interesting. I feel like I'm competing for the floor most of the time, having so many things I want to say, but getting beaten to the punch by a quicker talker. I have resorted to raising my hand to get my turn. The outside homework, on the otherhand, basically sucks. I have been required to read about 100-150 pages of text, write 10 one-page-reflections on the readings, research and report on 5 additional articles relating to the subject of the week and write a 3-5 page personal reflection on any topic every week. In addition, I have had to interview 15 strangers, on videotape, and will be presenting 20 minutes of my interaction at the final class. Needless to say, this class alone has had me stressed out throughout most of my maternity leave. Thankfully, Grandma Marie has been more than willing to watch Macy while I did my interviews, otherwise, I have gotten a lot done while she sleeps during the day. So two more weeks to go and all will be well...

My brother Luke and his wife had their baby boy on January 24 (Sam). I'm excited to watch he and Macy grow up together...

I've lost most of my pregnancy weight. I'm struggling with the last few pounds and am determined to lose even more. But even so, my body seems to be shaped a little differently nowadays. Everyone says give it time. I guess I'm anxious to be "normal" again. I began to try on my pre-pregnancy clothes (man, I had a lot!) and was discouraged to discover that I can only wear about 2 out of my 15 pairs of jeans. Yikes. I'll give it time and brood later if it doesn't happen. For now, it seems silly to worry about that.

But on the emotional front, I must say I have grown tremendously during the past two months. I came home from the hospital scared to death. I honestly thought to myself that I couldn't possibly have any more children, that just this one was going to take too much out of me. But I soon began to think clearly again. The sleep deprivation everyone talks about wasn't so bad. In fact, after the first two weeks, I didn't feel sleep deprived at all.

But every day is a learning experience. I'm past the initial shock and fear. I can't possibly put down in writing how it feels to be a mom, the incredible feelings of pure, innocent and amazingly real love and amazement that curses through your mind and body when you look into the eyes of your baby and see such beauty and wisdom. Yes, I see wisdom in her eyes. I feel as if she's an old soul, knowing much more than even I do. I look forward to raising her. I look forward to watching her grow and learn, and I can't wait until she can talk to me. But for now, I'm cherishing the feeling of her snuggled up against me, sleeping with her head on my shoulder. I adore her coos and smiles and the way her arms and legs move as if they had a mind of their own. She's learning about control, but cannot yet get those hands to go where she wants them to. Someday she'll figure this out...

So on with life for me. Remember last year when I celebrated my birthday as the beginning of the "second season of my life?" Little did I know how true that was...

My new life... In the spirit of new motherhood, I don't have much time to write. I will say that I'm sitting here with my 11-day-old, beautiful angel of a daughter...finally. Motherhood is something that you cannot possibly be prepared for. I enjoy every minute with Macy, but I have to be honest and admit that it is terribly overwhelming and scary at times. Here is this little person whose only way of communicating with me is her cries. They break my heart. But aside from the first few days at home, she seems to be a content baby, only crying when she is hungry or sitting in dirty diapers. For the past few nights, she has only awaken once every 4-5 hours, which I'm told is quite good. She smiles sometimes. Some people say babies this young aren't really smiling (it's just gas) but I refuse to believe that. I know those smiles are real. She amazes me every day that she's mine. Mike has been the perfect daddy, of course. He stayed home the first 10 days and went back to work this week. I miss him tremendously, having grown quite used to him being here and falling even more in love with him during this whole transition. I've had my breakdowns. These have occurred as the result of the strong emotions I feel for both my daughter and my husband, and also from the basic transition I'm going through. I'm breastfeeding. Again, something you cannot be prepared for. It was, for me, a painful process that I still struggle with from time to time... but it's gettng better.

That's my transition, in a nutshell. But what is probably the most amazing thing is how I've changed. It seems that by simply giving birth to this beautiful little girl, I am able to love on an even deeper level. Everyone in my life that I care for, I care for even more now. The world seems different to me, it is different to me. It's more important that I'm here now. There is simply more purpose to my life. Scary as hell, yet wonderful. Yes, that's possible.