My heart rate has remained steadily at 115 bpm all day. This really doesn't make sense physically but I'm realizing I'm actually quite anxious. About what- who the hell knows. I never know. Frustrated because this fucking feeling has become norm. Sad and ashamed because I'm suspecting I do know the exact, ridiculous, stupid cause and it's just me... ME! I feel like a broken piece of machinery, not one that just stops working until it is recharged, but one that has sprung a loose wire and is moving faster than it is supposed to yet not accomplishing its intended task. I can think of nothing to help right now and that's the scariest part. Not even a manic shipping spree will fix this one. As I sit here at Panera after snarfing down a pecan braid AND a chocolate duet cookie... I stop and close my eyes to meditate on a cure but I get nothing.. So I will have my crying fits and hope it passes fast.
Bridges to Life tonight. Maybe that will help.
