alone and ok... Had a wonderful weekend. Mike called me at work Friday to ask me out on a "date". I was expecting just a usual night, but after I finished getting ready he said "just humor me" as he walked out the door. I watched out the window as he pulled the truck out of the garage, further out of the driveway and eventually into the circle where he did, in fact, circle around and pull back into the driveway. He then got out, with flowers, and proceeded to the door where he rang. It really was like a date. I was touched. We dined at Vincenzos and went to The Zoo Bar where Lawrence Wright "Mr. Jazz - Kansas City" was performing. Unfortunately, all the smoke made me sick and I was getting far too drowzy, far to fast, so we left around 10:30. We were parked on the top floor of the parking garage and spent some time up there, looking down on the city. It was at this point where I thought I felt the baby. It was a warm sensation, quite like expanding and contracting. The only way I could explain it to Mike was to have him imagine that there was a balloon inside him, being slightly expanded and then let go. It went on inside me for about 15 minutes that night, but I haven't felt it since. I desperately want to feel that again.

Saturday morning was spent at the mall where I purchased a ton of maternity clothes. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be in clothes that fit. I stopped by Dillards to chat with cousin Christie at the Lancomb counter and we had lunch and discussed fun things like labor and the wedding. That night, Mike and I attended the wedding of his secretary's daughter. Again, it was a nice time but I ate too much and was full and tired by about 9:00.

Sunday we journeyed to Sterling to watch my brother, Luke, play in a softball tournament in Sterling for the annual "Sterling Picnic". It's amazing how many pregnant women you notice when you're pregnant yourself. Sterling must be a fertile town.

Which brings me to Monday. We had our first marriage class with Pastor Karst in Sterling. It ended up being a great conversation about all the aspects of our relationship. We rated well and are obviously very compatible. The discussion turned to the pros and cons of organized religion and about questioning the creeds of our faith. We both like Pastor Karst a lot because he is quite liberal in his thinking and is not set on accepting things, just because he is taught them. He likes to know why, just like Mike and I.

And Tuesday morning Mike left for another fishing trip, this time to Devil's Lake, SD. So last night I spent most of the evening preparing for a presentation due at class on Thursday. I'm satisfied so far with what I accomplished and will be even more satisfied on Friday, when it's over....

New perspectives... I feel like I'm really starting to get this job. Makes me wonder how I'd do on the administrative side of the mental health care industry. It's interesting learning this aspect and it has also inspired me to think a little more abstractly about my future goals. I've concluded that for now my best option would be to get well-rounded experience in all aspects of the field and then decide. I still really want to counsel and can't wait until that is a possibility.

At class last night we had small panel for discussion on the subject of self-concept. We are studying the adolescent stages of developement. We had a homosexual man (Mike) and a bi-racial man (TJ) who answered our questions about their experiences. While I sat there with my baby in my belly, with my friend Heather next to me who is 8 1/2 months pregnant, I couldn't help but wonder what Mikes thoughts were on raising a family, so I asked. He said he wasn't at a point to consider that right now because his career was his priority. He did say that he would love to have a family someday. I found myself really hoping it would happen for him because I got the impression he would be great at it. Pregnancy is making me at people differently. I'm starting to look at people's parent potential.

It's official... I'm wearing pregnant panties and an authentic maternity sundress from Motherhood. I look like a big tent, but I'm so comfy!!

We went to our third midwife appointment yesterday. The little fetus' heart is still pumping away but it has slowed down to 152 bpm. We were also shown a to-scale replica of what the baby looks like right now. It is as long as my hand! I've also gained four pounds since the last appointment. Not bad, Molls.

Big... I think I've grown overnight. It took three changes of clothes this morning to even feel close to comfortable. My breasts are huge and I can feel my stomach on the insides of my arms as I sit here and type. I'm wearing a shirt I bought a couple months ago that I was sure would get me through the summer. I give it two more weeks at this rate. It's time for another shopping trip.

Yesterday's training session in Omaha went well. I was back in the Lincoln Office by 3:30. After work, it was the same routine, workout with Mike and home for dinner. We made lasagna last night. It also seemed to be telephone night as I talked to a few friends and my brother. (I'm rarely on the phone) The tiredness is starting up again. I think I might have made it to 10:00 last night, but not sure. But the good news is I wake up happy.

On an entirely different note, I thought I'd throw in some Buddist wisdom today. This passage is good to think about when times are tough and you think life is hard...

Life's easy to live
for someone unscrupulous,
cunning as a crow,
corrupt, back-biting,
forward, & brash;

But for someone who's constantly
scrupulous, cautious,
observant, sincere,
pure in his livelihood,
clean in his pursuits,
it's hard

Don't have much time this morning as I have to be leaving for Omaha shortly for a training session. I do want to jot down last nights dream, though, before I forget it...

I saw my daughter. She was about 5 years old and very beautiful with long, curly hair. Not blonde, not brown, but somewhere in between, kinda like my natural color. She was showing me her hands and on her finger were two rings. One was a ring my dad gave to my mom when they were in high school and the other was my mom's wedding ring. She told me all about how her grandmother had given those rings to her. She sounded so smart and her voice was so beautiful. I could've listened to her forever. I can't wait to have my baby!!!

Life is good... I missed my workout Friday because I discovered as I was driving to the Y that I forgot my shoes. So I returned home with my trusty headache. Those things seem to be becoming regulars in my life. At this point, I'm blaming pretty much everything on the pregnancy. Even all the strange dreams about water.

Saturday, Mike and I went to Omaha to fullfil Mike's father's day promise to his dad - re-painting his living room. So he and I and his brother in law tackled that project in the morning. Mike's nephen, Ben, helped us later in the morning. I must mention that he is the sweetest kid in the world. He made me a "Welcome to the Family" card. What normal 11-year old boy does that!? I was touched. We just happened to bring the boat and in the afternoon, we set sail down the Missouri River. It was my first time on the river and I loved it. It was a great get-away and seemed to be its own little world out there. There were various "Tom Sawyer" -like camps along the way. We traveled about 25 miles north and stopped at the Cottonwood Marina in Blair to have a drink amongst genuine river rats. In future boating excursions, I believe the river will be my waterway of choice. It was a great day.

On Sunday, we awoke and, after some frolicking in bed, went to Panera's for brunch. It was so hot and muggy that after getting groceries, we decided to forego any outside activity and stay in the confines of the air-conditioned home for the rest of the day. Mike couldn't do it, though, and decided to grill brats for supper and I composed 2 pages of my term paper. It's a start. Another nice, relaxing day.

Happy 5th... Yesterday proved to be one of the best 4ths I can remember. Mike awoke bright and early to begin smokin the ribs. I made a trip to the store to purchase ingredients for the strawberry fluff I made later. About noon we headed across the circle to the neighbor's pool. We were fortunuate enough to have about 45 minutes alone before the neighbor kids joined us. spent the next couple hours being entertained and getting a mild sunburn. After a quick shower and a not-so-quick romp, Mike continued with smoke detail and I took a nap, only to be awakenen by the smell of smoked brisket. Yummmmm. We headed to the neighbors to eat, the kids lit a few small firecrackers and we watched the Holmes Lake fireworks show through a thicket of trees in the neighbor's back yard. Grand finale of the night, Mike put on his own fireworks show in the middle of the circle. oooooooh. aaaaaaaah. By the time he was done, I was exhausted and smelled of smoke. We were both asleep within minutes of returning home. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Quickly... Day three at the new job and still liking it. An associate from Omaha will be coming in shortly to train me on the computer system. Last night, Mike and I worked out as usual, and afterwards I felt as if I couldn't wait one more second to eat. We ended up ordering pizza, watching the continuing saga that is American Idol (I usually try to stay away from silly reality shows, but Iike this one) and answering and returning a number of phone calls. Slept good, with the exception of a wierd dream, and was awakend all too soon this morning. But I am so happy to be working, it almost doesn't matter...

Back on track... I spent the weekend in San Francisco with two old roommates. My friend Mary and I flew out to visit Cami. The three of us used to live together here in Lincoln. It was a great, yet exhausting trip for me. I am discovering that this pregnant body has a bit of difficulty finding comfortable positions, especially on airplanes. But it was all worth it to spend time with Cami and Mary. We made several trips to the Castro and Haight districts, went to Circo Zero, and caught a glimpse of the streets of Castro Saturday night before GayPride Sunday. To me, it looked like what we like to call a street dance in these parts, without the band and adding a few thousand more people clad in leather and chains. By that hour on Saturday night, we were all tired enough to be ok with the fact that we couldn't find a parking place. I returned Sunday afternoon to my dear Mike who had prepared a perfect dinner. So after a shower, food and short nap, we reacquainted (if ya know what I mean) and I slept deeply.

So now I'm sitting at work. Yes, you heard me right. I'm working again. I started yesterday here at Camelot Care Center and can tell already that I'm going to really like it. I was going to wait a couple weeks to inform my boss, Karah, that I was "with child", but I was feeling so comfortable talking with her yesterday that I went ahead and spilled it. I feel so much better now. I guess I just don't feel like hiding it from anyone. I don't feel like trying to squeeze my ever-expanding belly into normal-looking outfits. I give myself 1 month, tops, before I will need to don full-fledged maternity gear.

The most amazing thing happened yesterday. Mike and I went to our second midwife appointment and we got to hear the heartbeat. It probably doesn't sound like much to anyone not attached to this baby, but it was the most wonderful, perfect sound I have ever heard. Friends and family have told me in years past of hearing their baby's heartbeat, but it never meant a thing to me. I now know that it's something to live for. I'm already so proud of my child for being only two inches long and yet having such a strong heartbeat. It's crazy to think that just a year ago, I was making myself comfortable with the idea that I may have to wait years and years to marry and have a baby. Now, over the course of just a couple months, Im getting everything 'I've ever wanted. And within the next couple years, I will officially have a family. How happy am I!

Grapefruit... I realize I haven't written for a long time now. I've been a bit uncreative for reasons unknown. I still can't honestly say I feel like writing right now, but I am anyway, just to see what will come out. It may be because for the first time in my adult life, I'm seeing the world through sober eyes. I haven't had a drink in over three months now. This is an unheard-of event looking at the past ten years of my life. At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I must say it is a bit scary. In the past, I would go have a drink after a bad day, after a good day, when I was bored, when I was scared, when I was happy. You name it; it was cause for a drink. I know now that it was a major part of my life and my way of coping with life. I have this little two-inch fetus to thank for helping me see this. Do I miss the feelings of drunkeness? Yes! But there are other feelings that I'm experiencing that are foreign and strange. They are the feelings of peace. They are the feelings that everything really is ok. They are non-panic feelings and although it may sound strange, they're scary as hell for someone like me who has lived on the adrenaline of one chaos after another since the age of six. I'm still in haitus. Thinking that really is ok, too, for now. I'm just getting started on "the great american novel" and...... I'm picking wedding dates!! We have it narrowed down to September or October, 2003... stay tuned. Otherwise, Mike and I have been painting the house, enjoying the boat and spending a lot of time doing things like 10-year reunions, graduations and the latest family tragedies, first mom sprains her foot after a fall and then, ... little brother Levi was in a car accident and broke his arm yesterday. Mike and I drove mom down to Tecumseh where he lay in a hospital bed. He's ok, but I couldn't stop myself from picturing it ending up much worse. But mostly, I'm in great anticipation of the baby. I'm becoming very impatient and feel that seven more months is way too long to wait. But there's nothing I can do but wait, and eat. By the way.. my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. I love telling people that.

The powers of change... Mike and I met with the midwife, Joanne, yesterday for the first time. She spent an hour talking to us about the do's and don't's of this pregnancy thing. She was the first midwife in Nebraska and has delivered over $1,000 babies. I think she's qualified. She showed us a picture of what the baby looks like right now. It looks like a blob. It's eyes are on the side of its head, like a rabbit, the head and brain is curved over the face looking like a big, deformed nose, and the arms and fingers are just starting to form from nubs. In a couple weeks it will begin to look like a human. It's an amazing thing. Joanne officially set the due date to December 22. That's Beki's birthday, my little sister and it's a long time to wait, especially for an impatient like me.

Although I have all these wonderful things in my life and so much to look forward to, I'm being victimized once again by this annoying depression that has become so familiar to my life. I've felt it all before, usually a few months after a big change, and I have yet to understand how to beat it. I'm waiting patiently to return to my normal self and be happy and excited about my life. Unfortunately, although I appreciate all that is going on, I'm having trouble getting myself to smile. Give me a couple weeks. I'll be fine.

Sometimes.... life just makes our decisions for us. It's been awhile since you've heard from me and that's simply because I needed get all my friends up to date before I wrote here. Finally! Everybody knows so here's a quick recap of April, 2002...

April 11, 2002 - car accident, but you knew that
April 18, 2002 - Follow up Dr. appointment for my shoulder. At this point, my period is 5 days late (I'm never late). On a whim, I asked my docter a few questions to which she replied, "oh, it could be a number of things, but I can see you're concerned, let's take a pregnancy test, just for fun!" Sure. So after peeing in a cup and a short wait in the examination room, my doctor returned saying "Well, is it fair to ask if you want to be pregnant". My reply? "oh my god, oh my god!" That's about all I could say. In case you haven't yet caught on, I'm pregnant. So after leaving the doctor's office, I stopped by the grocery store, still numb, and taking care to buy 7-Up instead of Coke, you know that sort of thing. Mike had the heads up that I was late and of my dr. appt. He called later that night to ask how it went. I can't remember exactly what words I managed to get out of my mouth but he was soon on his way over. When he arrived, he was great. We went for a walk and talked about everything. He's going to be a great dad.
April 23, 2002 - Mike and I told mom over lunch. I knew she'd be ok with everything, but she was thrilled! She even hugged me and Mike. (she's not typically a hugger)
April 24, 2002 - No more job. Through with the legal field (I hope). We'll see. Took this time off to pack and begin my 23rd move.
April 27, 2002 - Lukey's wedding.
May 1, 2002 (Wed) - Trip to Clearwater, Florida with Mike. Business for him, pleasure for me. After the fiasco that was our flight down there, we arrived 6 hours behind schedule. Thursday morning we awoke and took a walk along the beach. I though Mike was being a bit quiet and preoccupied. He stopped me and began telling me how much I meant to him. I didn't think too much of it because he's always saying such nice things to me, but I was shocked beyond belief when he produced a beautiful diamond ring and asked me to marry him. I believe that ring shocked me more than the announcement of my fertility. I guess I knew it would happen eventually, but wasn't expecting it this soon. I'm happy that I'm with such a wonderful man. He's been pretty much my best friend for about a year now even though I haven't talked about him much. Maybe I'll write more about that later. Back to Clearwater...I had to ask him for sure if he was proposing. Once confirmed, I said yes, of course. It was a perfect, sunshiney day with the ocean waves crashing behind us. Leave it to him to make things perfect. We left the beach and hopped in the rented Rio and headed to Crabby Bill's for lunch. Our waitress, Bobbi Jo, was the first person we told of our engagement. She felt honored, of course, expecially when Mike promised to name our first after her. We ate grouper sandwiches and fries. Oh it was good. Then we headed to Pier 60, rented a waverunner and headed out into the Gulf of Mexico. I don't need to tell you how much fun that was. Exhausted and hot, we returned to our hotel, showered and headed to the banquet being held by his business associates. Ate more wonderful food. We told one person of our engagement and before we knew it, we were the recipients of a toast to our engagement. I left shortly thereafter and went to the room to call my mom. Mike returned later, after his meeting was over. Friday, I spent the day alone while Mike was in an all-day meeting. That morning, I returned to the beach to reminisce, took a drive, did a bit of shopping and ended up lounging by the pool where Mike and some of his associates joined me at about 3:00. He and I excused ourselves for a while to frolic in the ocean. Later, we dined at Levenson's where we had the best window seat overlooking the gulf. After dinner we went to Sheperd's outdoor tiki hut to watch the sun set and listen to to the mediocre house band and watch the locals dance in their swimsuits. A wonderful end to a wonderful day. Saturday, we slept in and, upon awakening, had just enough time to pack and head to the airport. The returning flights were uneventful and I was happy to be home. You know how it is. Love to travel, but love coming home.

Since my return, I have had some fun telling all my friends my good news and getting settled in here at Mike's house. Sigmund seems to accept Truman (Mike's dog) and Truman loves Sigmund. We're a happy little family. But in all honesty, there is enough change going on in my life that I have been dealing with some serious uppers and downers again. It's hard to believe that I'm in such a secure place considering the fact that I'm pregnant and not working. I vary between feeling like a big loser and like the luckiest girl in the world. I'm growing a human being in my belly, and there's nothing more important than that. I will soon have everything I've ever wanted - a family. It just sucks that I have to feel so loserish at the same time.

Can you believe I've waited this long to blog?

Soon, very soon, everyone will know...

BlogSlacker... That's me. And there's so much I need to put down here! I'm still reeling from certain happenings in my life recently, both good and bad. The most I can say now is that I'm happy, renewed, and scared shitless! You'll know more soon, I promise...

But what I will write about is my brother's perfect wedding last weekend. I honestly have yet to see a happier, more beautiful wedding. It was simple and perfect. I was unprepared for the flood of tears that ran down my face as Luke stepped out onto the alter to await his bride. Looking at him there I was filled with so much pride and love. Thinking of it again now, the tears appear! I flashed back to our childhood and all the wonderful, thoughful things he's done, as well as all the hard times our family went through and how he always came through as the man of the house. I'm so happy he's finally to this place in his life. He deserves so much happiness.

It was also great having Mike there. He brought Shawn down (Christie's new boyfriend) and the four of us made a night of it. After the wedding, stopping at Scott's Tavern in Sterling for a drink and then off to the reception. It was a dark, rainy night but for some reason, that didn't matter. Mike was his usual, wonderful self and we shared several meaningful dances. absorb.

Weekend Fun... Friday, I went out with Christie and Stacy to Cheerleaders and Mulligans. I didn't drink and still had a great time. Good for me! On Saturday, I spent a couple hours at the mall searching for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding this weekend. The search was futile. Why am I being so picky!?!! Later that afternoon, Mike and I went to Omaha. While there, we stopped by his parents' for my first meeting with them. They were sweet. Our roadtrip later found us in Sterling where we "dined" at Scott's Place...The Legacy. As usual, being back in Sterling was bittersweet. The welcome sign now says "small town, big heart" and for some reason that makes me laugh. Oh well. Sunday, I continued in my quest for the perfect dress and I did find something suitable at Von Maur for God's sake. Actually, I was so fed up with shopping that I grabbed four dresses and bought them without trying them on in the hopes that one of them worked. I took them home, hung them in my closet and it wasn't until later that day that I nervously tried them on. I actually liked a couple of them so I guess that worked out ok. That night, Mike and I doubled with Christie and this new guy she met Friday night at Mulligans (Shawn). We saw Frailty. I liked it. Upon returning home, I tried to read in bed while Mike watched TV, but by 11, I was, for all practical purposes, asleep. And today, Monday, is fairing well. That's all for now.

Ode to Life...The under-rated, simple definition of us all. If you ever stop to think about it, this is the commonality of all beings from the smallest leaf to the giant elephants. If nothing else, we have that in common - life.

My life continues to be busy. I realize I've failed to disclose the events of last weekend. I attended a bachlorette party for my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Melissa. It was your typical night of drinking through penis straws and applauding the brave boys who dared to suck for a buck. At the end of the night, Christie, Beki and I headed to Amigos, as is the customary drunken craving ritual. I particularly enjoyed our conversation because it included some ex-bashing, which, in its drunken form, is always hilarious and makes a girl feel good about life changing events. As Christie and I compare boy stories of lore, we discovered strange correlations regarding some post-break-up comments we had the pleasure of hearing such as "I'm Hot!" (by Lathen) or "I've got it goin' on!" (by Jason) or "I'm the Man!" (by DJ). If you ask me, there is nothing more disgusting than a grown man speaking those words in seriousness. It makes the break-up seem so right.

So here it is Friday again. I made it through another week, not un-notable, and definitely life-changing and special. I will not go into that now, but instead focus on the next week, where myself and my family will prepare for Luke's April 27 nuptials. I'm excited!

Love is not all you need… according to Dr. Pepper Schwartz in the June, 2002 edition of Psychology Today, (pp. 56-62) where she lists a few of the mutual traits of partners in “happy” relationships:

Listening – “no matter what, you need to see how the other person is feeling”
Time – “allotting time in your day, week and life for your partner…”
Talking – “life is not static, it’s messy and requires communication”
Sex – “…sexual disappointment isn’t the worst problem when so much else is good about the relationship, right? Wrong!”
Flexibility – “Although it may be mistaken for strength, rigidity is not a good personal or marital quality.”
Understanding – “The bedrock of mutual respect is comfort and admiration for each other’s opinions.”
Intelligence – “there’s a lot missing if you can’t sit down to dinner and have conversation about what’s going on in the world at the same abstract level.”

Life is good... For some reason, I feel exceptionally happy today. The weather has been perfect and I cannot even count on both hands how many wonderful and beautiful people are in my life. I'm ready to simply enjoy it all. I've decided that spending time with the people I love is more important than feeling guilty about not working-out or writing enough. I need a balance of all worlds. Something I am lucky enough to be able to do.

And just when I think life just can't get any better, I get flowers. Coincidence? or Karma? You decide.

Crash... So I was driving to work yesterday, waiting patiently to merge into traffic when. BOOM .the ol' Suzuki got spanked! In other words, I was rear-ended. I immediately thought my car had to be totaled, considering how hard the hit was. As I slowly got out of my car and walked to the back, I was surprised that there was no apparent damage. The poor guy behind me driving the company truck was not so lucky, however. His airbag deployed, engine was smoking and bumper was hanging on by a thread. After assuring the guy I was ok, I dialed 911. It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I realized I had given the dispatcher the wrong address. I said 14th & Cornhusker when I meant 14th & Hwy. 2. So I had to call back. After all was said and done with the cop, I headed off to work, a bit sore and stiff. So much so, that I was only at work for a few minutes before I headed to the emergency room. I felt pretty silly having to travel via wheelchair to x-ray; it was my neck shoulder that hurt, not my legs. Alas, I was assured later that there was no permanent damage, merely a soft-tissue injury and muscle spasms. Got a prescription for some kick-ass medication and slept for the rest of the day. About 4:00, Mike called, back in town with the new boat. Figuring some time on the lake would do nothing but ease my soreness, I joined him and another couple for the maiden voyage. It weren't so cold and dreary, it would have been a perfect first trip. Once back to town, I was soon passed out, asleep. As for today, nothing exciting except that I made it through with no further mishaps. Yet. Don't they say bad things happen in threes?

Double dose... of the happy herb this morning. Not sure why, just felt like I needed it. Although not competely removing feelings, It seems to lessen them. Greatly appreciated because I've been obsessing a bit since my Monday night session with Jan. Arriving at my appointment, I was unsure whether or not I would be able to fill up the entire hour considering the emotions have been surprisingly and graciously kind to me lately. But since I can't get through too many perfect days, I did need to speak with her about what I considered to be merely a couple minor setbacks. While doing so, she insisted that I cry. I was hoping to get through it without tears and had been trying with all my might, but couldn't do it.! But it did feel good and I took myself up and down the road a few times, noticing the scenery more and more and more. So while perched in the hear-and-now, somewhat better able to look upon my past, I see not only the obvious patterns, but the driving forces behind these patterns are becoming clear, as well.

It begins with the memories of childhood feelings when my dad was home. I was happy when he was there; I felt protected and safe. But at the same time, I was sad and anxious because I knew at any time he would be leaving the house and when he did, I felt unprotected, alone and, most of all, un-noticed. His comings and goings varied from day to day. I had no control over that. What's amazing to me now is that I've chosen to be in relationships with men who possess these same qualities. They've all had odd jobs with odd hours. When I did spend time alone with them, the feelings of happy-sad anxiousness feelings emerged, identical to those of my childhood. But what changed in my adult life is that I was no longer paralyzed by the feelings, but I began to react to them. Thusly, controling patterns emerged. If I couldn't make them want to be at home or control when they would be at home, I at least could know everything about what they were doing otherwise or assuming I could go along with them. I've dated 3 different bartenders for God's sake! I knew if I wanted to, I could go to the bar to see them. I had control over that. When dating a loser with no driver's license as a result of various DWI charges, I knew if he had to go somewhere, I would have to take him. I had control. And what in the world would I have done without 24-hour access via cell phones? Was I happy in these relationships? In a sick sort of way, yes. I was re-living childhood grief because that's what's familiar to me. I wasn't necessarily dating bad people, I was clinging to the familiar, unaware that it was detrimental to my growth and I needed so much more. I failed to realize at the time that I need structure, stability and a nice balance of independence. And it's better for all involved if I don't try to create it myself. So recognized.

It's nice...getting through a weekend without the burdensome effects of alcohol. I consumed nothing except a couple glasses of wine at a family picnic on Saturday. Some say it's a sign that you're getting old. I don't like that phrase. I'm maturing, thank you. And what is this maturing thing I speak of? Dictionaries like to describe it as: The state or quality of being fully grown or developed. Ok so physically, all adults are mature. Emotionally, however, the majority of us are half-baked.

Friday Mike and I shared marvelous conversation over dinner at Lazlos before checking out the new Robin Williams flick, "Death to Smoochie". It was fine. That's all. Fine. Afterwards, we could think of nothing better to do than home to bed...
Saturday, the family held a belated Easter dinner at Bethany Park. I took a big step and invited Mike along. He has already met the majority of my family, so everything went swimmingly. He even passed initiation by being co-star in one of Luke's raunchier sheep jokes. I was then donned pseudo mom to neice Chelsie for the rest of the evening. It had been awhile since the kid spent the night with me. She had merely one question: "can we stay up and watch movies all night?" We tried, but by 11:00 she was fast asleep, cuddled up with Sigmund the cat. And finally, Sunday my sisters and I hosted a bridal shower for my brother's bride, Melissa. After bidding farewell to most of the guests, the few remaining family members joined forces and made platters and platters of wedding mints for the upcoming nuptials. So between Easter dinner saturday, the shower and minting, I'm way over my alloted sugar quotient - for the year! Life is good.

Still driving along... Is it Friday already? It's crazy how the days, weeks and months fly by. Why, it seems like only yesterday when, with Christmas bells tolling, I was packing up and moving out of my beloved home into the life of singledome. Now, it seems that just when things are feeling right, the x calls; sad, confused and lonely and just needing to talk which forces my detour onto Downers Drive. I guess that's all part of the trip and it's fine since I still care for the guy, probably always will, but it tears me up to hear his voice. I hope and pray he'll soon find his way onto Happy Lane.

Writer's Block... I excused myself from work this afternoon, begging forgiveness and understanding for my sleepiness. So now I'm home, on my couch, with the laptop, ready to write and nothing, nothing comes to me. Who took my creativity? Maybe it will come back with sleep.

I'm tired... Friday night after the hockey game, Mike and I met up with cousin Christie and friends for a two-hour limo drive to celebrate her birthday. It was a nice change of pace getting to party on wheels and we all had a blast. Needless to say, Saturday was spent in relaxation. I was basically planted on Mike's couch where I made a little bit of an effort to tend to my homework, but there were too many good movies on. Why do the homework today that you can put off til the night before class. Yesterday (Easter Sunday) I was invited to mom's for dinner with her and grandma. I, in turn, invited Mike whose family Easter plans had been quashed. It seemed only appropriate that my mother finally meet Mike since he has been one of my best friends for over a year now. All went well. So today I'm tired. To Wednesday and beyond! After which, I currently have no plans til Saturday. Maybe my floor will finally get vaccuumed.

Clean desk, no boss... A little time to sponge. An idea popped into my mind as I was at a stoplight downtown coming back from lunch. I was looking at all the people walking along the sidewalk and I thought to myself: look at all these people I don't need. I'm not sure if that was a positive or negative thought. Is it good to think of humans as un-needed? And are they? I think it may stem from my recent struggles and my quest for detachment. I honestly think that is the only route to happiness and security. On the other hand, I also find the theory somewhat cold. Anyway, I felt bad about thinking this, but at the same time, I experienced a very, very, very tiny feeling that was completely foreign. It was a good feeling. The only way I can explain it is inward strength. Caused a smile. Does that make sense? I think I'll work more on trying to define it later, at home.

In other news... Laptop came last night, but I had little time to get started because by the time good-ol-brother-in-law-heath dropped it off and explained a few things to me, I was off to, what turned out to be, our final volleyball game. Disappointing, yes, but I should at least have a little more free time now. To do what, you ask? The plan is lots of exercising, studying and writing. My God, am I a geek? To save myself from that stereotype, I'll disclose the fact that you will also find me doing a lot more binge drinking and having a lot of sex. yeah.

Be it known... I am aware of my recent sporadic and unexciting entries and am suitably discomfited. If I may place blame I will only say that my creative energies are being garroted by work and school; but somehow, they are equally being roused by other important social events. I'm not complaining, but I long for a lazy afternoon of serious writing. And help is on the way in the form of a new laptop for Mollie. Upon its arrival, I will be able to sit on my couch, or any other place of comfort, and recommence the proverbial sponging and squeezing of long ago.

Decisions... Priority projects for the afternoon: Review the Attorney Policy and Procecures Manual of a huge new collection forwarder; or.. Become one with Chapter 506 of the Missouri Revised Statutes: Commencement of Actions and General Provisions. You wish you were me.

Neglected… Poor little brainsponge. I really must get my online service going at home. It becomes tiresome to attempt creativity while at work. I’m finding my downtime is becoming less and less. Since I’m not feeling particularly creative today, I will sum up my weekend in short…

Friday: Dive bar, many drinks
Saturday: Small-town dive bar, many drinks, karaoke, chic fight
Sunday: Sleep til noon, gained 5 pounds at mom’s
Monday: Volleyball – still in it! I studied in preparation for...

Last night: I went to my very first class at grad school. As I sat there waiting for class to begin, I jotted down some things in my brand new notebook. Here’s what I wrote: (warning - not my most brilliant work)

Back to school. Facts: Room 15. Doane College. Appox. 5:45. Class will begin at 6. I’m in a grad level course – Research. Feelings: Well, reminiscent of my undergrad experience here, I’m excited to see who will walk through the door and be in class, but, sadly, I know it won’t be the old familiar faces. I guess last time it took a few classes to meet people and become comfortable, it shouldn’t be different this time. For old times sake, I bought a battle of Dasani water and a bag of Wheat Thins from the vending machine. Hopefully, I won’t be caused to wish for an early bathroom break (ha-ha). There are 2 others sitting here waiting with me. We're all quiet. I wonder if it’s their first class. Ok, who am I kidding? I’m scared shitless. When I think about it, this is a huge step. I’m finally beginning what will be the final step to that counseling degree and, ultimately, certification. I have a feeling that the next few years I will be placed in many uncomfortable, unfamiliar situations. I will have to learn how to handle them. Step one – Self-Confidence. That’s all I really need to start off. Thereafter, I think I’ll be able to do almost anything. I have to admit, my little insecurities are coming to the surface. Class is filling up, 4 more people have arrived. I think I’m the youngest person here so far. Is that good or bad? Teacher's here. ta-ta...

Quickly... As I prepare to walk out my office door into my weekend, I should only say that this second season of life theory really must mean something. I've pondered many times during this past week why I've lately felt so out of my element. Besides the obvious reasons, I'm Hopeful it's merely progression. I registered for grad school last night and that felt good. I'm looking forward to moving toward that next goal. Until Monday... Erin Go Braugh!

Smile and Kick Some Ass, Ani... Mike and I attended Ani Difrancoconcert last night at The Rococo. Smashing show! My little secret: I always leave concerts feeling somewhat, ok, very, jealous. I wanna do that!!!!

Well... I'm happy to report I'm over my depression. Although I will admit that these stages of grief, although graciously continuing to lessen in intensity, are still lingering. I remain in the stage of semi-despair where I find myself re-playing past aspects of the relationship and, yes, blaming myself for inflincting so much pain not only on the x, but on myself. I'm trying to forgive myself, but it really hurts sometimes. I'm aware, though, that I must let that pain happen in order for it to be completely removed. absorbing will lead to squeezing. The good news: it will pass and I'm anxiously looking forward to that day. And lucky me, I have many promising things waiting for me to get through it.

I keep forgetting..... That when I cease focusing on the here and now and revert to the past or future, I become miserable. I've been depressed for the past 24 hours or so and am desperately searching for the reason. I feel a deep longing for some sort of stability in my life. My mind keeps sending me flashbacks of the past year. These cause me nothing but heartbreak and grief. So to focus on the present would be to acknowledge how behind I am here at work and how completely miserable it looks out the window. All that grey makes me sad. I feel sick and have so much to do tonight. Luckily, I will be seeing Jan. Holy Moly, Mollie, and Good Grief, too!

Back from the dead... I am once again semi-functional after three days of inclement health. I began last weekend with a night out with my newly-single cousin, Christie, her brother, Brian, and his band-mate, you know him, Chris. (ie: Ten Cent Pistols guys). I am sorry to say that these two have made some silly decision to leave town (the band) and journey to Ireland where they believe their future lies on streets paved with gold. I had to tell them they were being stupid, especially since that have a whole night booked at the Zoo Bar in just two weeks. In speaking later with Loren, he is quite "sad at them" for ditching the band like this. They could've made it!! Silly boys. Anywho, we began Friday night at Coyote Willy's, pretty boring, then jaunted through the Havelock bar scene (Bob's Tavern, The Isles and Arnolds). It was typical, Vodka, reminiscing and quoting "Wierd Science". Again, I will have to say that the McDonald's drive through on the way home ranked right up there as one of the most fulfilling moments of the night.

Saturday, I once again accompanied Mike on his vessel-hunt. We made the trip to Valley for their open house (free hotdogs!). We left with many pamphets, no boat. Once back to town, we stopped at The Isles for some pizza, then a quick change and we were off to the hockey game. Those are always so much fun. Afterwards, P.O. Pears where we met Mike's hockey-friends. My friends, Tracey, Tammy and Kristal showed up and we all danced non-stop for many hours, it seemed. I attempted like mad to hook up Mike's single friends, Paul and Dean, with my cute friends. I'm still not sure if it worked. In a last-ditch effort, Mike and I finally left the kids alone and went to his place. Oooh, there was romance...

But life is not all hockey, dancing and romance, I awoke Sunday morning feeling like I had been beaten by a disgruntled husband and left to die on the train tracks (ever watch "The New Detectives"?). Realizing it was way more than the typical hangover, I laid on Michael's couch for most of the day and have since spent my time trying to keep as still as possible as to not remind my body that it can feel the pain. But I'm getting better, except for this painfully sore throat. Alas!

The joys of animal protein.... As I reflect on yesterday, I am forced to admit to myself that the big, juicy hamburger I ate after our volleyball game last night was, perhaps, the happiest moment of my day. Heavens to Mergatroid! No wonder I'm so prone to weight-gain!

Accordingly, the stars agree with my newfound *realization (see below). The following is an except from my daily horoscope:

"...and while it is fine and civilized to look out for others' interests, have you considered extending the same courtesy to yourself?"

I forgot to take my St. John's Wart this morning and I can tell. Things seem a little more, oh, lets just say I'm having a little more trouble warding off some sporadic downers today. I could blame the missed herbs, or I could chalk it up to (hate to admit it) lingering sadness from last Friday's chance encounter with the ex, and the feelings that I need to help him somehow. I could also top it off with the fact that Monday afternoon was spent in a nasty e-fight with my cousin. Certain things were said that, although apologized for, really can never be taken back. I'm sure I'll bury it and forgive like I always do. After all, dealing with it this way leaves me, generally, a happier person. And, although it was an awful experience, *it did help me realize that I can't live my life trying to please everyone. Doing that is really getting in the way of my growth, and really confusing me. Hmmmm. What shall I do about this?

Good Monday morning. Yes it is. I continue to amaze myself with my incredible emotional strength these days. Maybe it is because reality and rightness are finally becoming a part of my life. I wouldn't know, because I have yet to feel these things simultaneously, but it just may be close to how I feel today. At the risk of putting myself through the breakdown that I should have had Friday night, I will relive it here just to see if I can, again, make it through.

It started as I was sitting on my couch with a Vodka Sour, waiting for the arrival of my cousin, Christie, for our night out. As I was watching "Amazing Police Videos" I was suddently overcome with the ever-familiar emotion, you know, the one that grabs your heart by both sides and stretches is out towards your shoulders like silly putty. And simultaneous with this feeling, the tears appeared in my eyes out of nowhere. Not the kind that run down your face, but the kind that sit there in your eyes, blurring your vision until you either wipe them away or they dry, whatever comes first. I should have recognized this as some sort of portent of the upcoming evening because I ended up being placed in a couple of what could have been very emotionally damaging and volitile situations as the night wore on. First, when we ended up at a Ten Cent Pistols show (you remember Loren). Last time I spoke with Mr. Loren he said he'd call me "tomorrow". That was about three weeks ago. There's no doubt that he digs me in his own way and I instinctivly know that the fact that he didn't call is nothing personal against me. He's just being himself and living with whatever fears and insecurities that he possesses and that I do not understand. It's his reality, not mine and, quite frankly, probably not real compatible with mine. So I was able to have much fun, not needing to be noticed by him, but when, for a few moments, he did, I could just appreciate that for what it was. Good for the girl! So after the show (and a lot more vodka), we did some serious dancing at Mickey's with a bunch of 21-year-olds. It was as eventful as I should have been I guess. When we finally left, I was just drunk enough to bravely follow Christie and Jen into Sandy's, even though my intuition told me that Lathen may be there. Guess what, I was right. As he approached our table, I must say I barely recognized him. At first, I tried really hard to be a bitch, but when it was apparent that he was not doing very well, I quickly ended that charade. I didn't want to be a bitch to him. And as he walked away from our table, I could do nothing but place my head down on the table and sob. We must have been quite a sight in that crowded bar, me sobbing away with Christie and Jen patting my back and stroking my hair. When I finally looked up, I laughed to ease the tension and excused myself with the pretense of going to the ladies room, but really needing a little more time with Lathen. We did sit together for awhile. I don't really remember what was said, but he seems to be having some trouble in his personal life and his choices. He asked me if there was any hope for us, for which I could not honestly reply. Why? Because deep down, I knew what he wanted me to say, but I didn't want to hurt him. He has so much work to do. I've finally realized it's too much for me to have to deal with. All I can do is pray he finds it in himself to reach his potential. If he could only see all the potential he has and have the courage to become. Seeing him made me very, very sad. Oh, and I lost my keys....

I was rewarded for my poignant Friday by quite the wonderful Saturday. I accompanied Mike to the Sport Show in Omaha on his quest for the perfect boat. After jumping on a couple pontoons, personally, I am convinced that these may be essential to a happy life, but I think he's still set on one of the regular boats. (aren't I fluent in vessel-talk!) I also enjoyed checking out the big RVs. We had so much fun with that, I can't even explain it. In fact, we had fun in all aspects of the outing. We thereafter hung out at The Dubliner, which is a really great Irish Pub. One of my new favorite places, in fact. Then to Mama's for some Pizza-Pie. Even though I was simply exhausted at this point, I still enjoyed driving through the neighborhood where Mike grew up and one last drink at The Grover Inn (I think that's the correct name), where I felt like I was back in my hometown bar. We dedicated songs to each other on the juke box and won $72 at Keno, so the day was pretty much perfect. We then headed home, stopping at C.Leigh's for my spare keys, and, finally, sleep!!!

Wow, I did better than I thought I would reliving this traumatic-heartrending-pleasurable weekend. I think it may be impossible to use all three of those words in the same sentence, but I'm finding that nothing, really, is impossible. absorb.

It's been awhile since I've quoted any inspirational Buddha wisdom. I like this one, so here ya go...

"Those who attain perfect wisdom are forever inspired by the conviction that the infinitely varied forms of this world, in all their relativity, far from being a hindrance and a dangerous distraction to the spiritual path, are really a healing medicine. Why? Because by the very fact that they are interdependent on each other and therefore have no separate self, they express the mystery and the energy of all-embracing love. Not just the illumined wise ones but every single being in the interconnected world is a dweller in the boundless infinity of love."

-Prajnaparmita

My past few days have been filled with almost all of the important people. Sunday, after a fun-filled family skating party, Michael visited me at home and, after watching "King Pin" I insisted he view my favorite "Comic Strip Live" video. I'm always shocked when people don't laugh as hysterically as I do at that one, but what can I do. I should probably be wondering why I'm still laughing so hard after viewing it only about 314 times! Monday night my good friend, Jen, came over for some Malibu & Coke and conversation. A nice combo. Tuesday, again, time spent with Mike, this time, Chinese food, olympics and "Rat Race". Which I loved, but he enjoyed only the Hitler part. Last night, after yet another volleyball triumph, I dashed home to host girl-talk with Tam, Trace and Kris. (Sounds like it should be on public radio, doesn't it). So now we're all caught up, and I am left today with a tremendous lack of inspiration and an extreme need for a re-charge. A lot of my energies for today have been expended in the latest relationship trauma of my dear cousin. She is in the beginnings of a break up which I believe will, in the long run, be a good thing, but it will be a hard couple months, as I know all-too-well. I will not continue on this subject. At least not now. I'm off to attempt productivity. *sigh*

I had a huge entry here, but have cut and pasted it into a word document as it had become quite a work-in-progress. It started out as a simple listing of the "chapters" of my life, but I began to realize that I've had quite a few chapters and I became caught up in a few details and wanted to put some more time into it! Needless to say, it has now become the beginning of yet another writing project. I'm thrilled!

A relationship-driven girl's story of realization, acceptance, anticipation and maybe even a little joy

Until about a year ago......

things seemed... well... I said "perfect" out loud a lot. But, as I continued to educate myself, not only in the classroom, but in my very own little psyche, there began a faint smoldering of dissatisfaction and the more it grew, the hotter it became and the more it burned. Looking back now, I think that little spark could have been extinguished, had I not been anticipating and expecting such nascence in my life. But instead, as I sat there, feeling stuck, the spark grew into a flame which was soon dangerously out of control. I did get a handle on it and, for a time, I stopped it from spreading. But just as I feared, it was only temporarily. It soon began to engulf me again. I finally had no choice but to submerge myself in deep water in an attempt to completely destroy that damn flame. This was soothing at first, but before I knew it, I was drug to to the surface and dumped there, cold and alone. And with my burns exposed, the pain began. "Why me?" I would sob to myself. And feeling only the cold, wetness of being alone and the pain of my burns, all I could see were the dark path behind me that led me here in the first place, or back into the cold, dark water as a means to escape these horrifying feelings. After trying to stand up and turning around, I was horrified to discover that the path at my back had already disappeared. So, almost without thinking, I jumped back into the water where I treaded for quite some time. I soon grew tired, though, of being wet and cold and futile. Looking around, I saw the ladder and surprised myself when I felt a little bit of hope. I pulled myself out. I remained cold and wet for awhile, but I have begun to feel some warmth. I've realized the sun is, actually, shining. And, now that my eyes have been drawn away from the water below me and toward the sky, I see that there are a few ships out there. These ships are there to take me someplace. I wanna get on a ship.

Happy Valentines Day. It has long been my favorite holiday. But what I like most is the history. How many people know the Valentine's Day Story? This morning, I heard it coined "Single Awareness Day" on the radio. Nothing wrong with that. Really, it's ok. No relationship at all is an appropriate alternative to the heartache of a bad or unsatisfying one. So those who are independent this year should be thankful for belonging to themselves. I, on the other hand, although recent in my entrance into singledome, was lucky enough to ring it in this year in the actual act of love-making. Good for me. Very good for me.

I'm happy today!

After an unproductive, unmotivated yet anxiety-ridden day's work yesterday, and a trip to Hy-Vee for groceries in preparation for the Valentines Day feast I'm planning, I entered my apartment and greeted my cat in excellent spirits. I had earlier nixed a couple Fat Tuesday invitations, opting instead sit my butt on my couch and share a (huge) bottle of chardonnay with C.Leigh. Accordingly, our topics of conversation ranged from orgasms to diarrhea. Ooh, I really shouldn't use those two words in the same sentence, should I. Icky. We also discussed the general dysfunction of humanity, stay-at-home mommies, kitty-cats, boyfriends (present tense for her, past for myself), blind dates, friendships, and my personal favorite - The Penis. One of our best conversations, I think.

Spent last evening alone with the exception of a phone call from Lathen. We have one more bit of business to attend to before we can officially put closure to "us" and it looks like it will be taken care of this week. We discussed meeting to settle things, but mutually decided that a personal encounter would be way too painful and send us both back to places we'd rather not return. So, things will be taken care of via US Postal Service. As much as I'd like to see him again, there is just as big of a part of me that recoils at the thought, leaving me feeling much like one of those little pillbugs that curl up when you touch them. I need to move on, and am prepared to miss him forever. After we hung up, I cried. But as I did, the sting came not from my gut and heart as before, but now from my chest and throat. This teary breakdown was way less painful and much easier to get through. Also, it inspired me to write and draw a bit and I now have a couple new poems and abstract doodles that I'm kinda proud of. Hey, that's something.

Thanks for the birthday wish, Cami. If I were into women, and you were here, I"d have sex with ya. With the exception of a couple exceptionally wonderful nights, I've been forced into abstanation myself. And by the way, workaholics ARE bad boyfriends. Read this.

Yes, I turned 28 on Saturday, the 9th. I decided to make a big deal out of it this year, considering the past couple months. I invited most of my friends to my apartment for drinks and appetizers, no other real plans. The weather was crappy, however, so a couple people bailed on me. But the die-hards showed and we had a great time. Everyone drank, ate and, well, quite frankly, were gracious spectators to my obnoxiousness. Later on, we ventured out to the closest drinking stablishment, Lancasters, then returned to my place for more food and, finally, some slumber. I am again reminded of how lucky I am having so many great people in my life. Sunday, after my overnight guests left, I locked myself up, ignored my ringing phone (with a couple exceptions - thank God for caller id) and relaxed with Sigmund. This re-charge was greatly needed. In fact, I may do the same thing tonight. I'm happily growing very comfortable in my lovely apartment; and in my own lovely mind, too.

My birthday's tomorrow!

TODAY MY HEART TALKED TO ME,
AS IF IT HAD A BRAIN AND A MOUTH.
REALLY, I FELT IT!
THIS IS WHAT IT SAID…

Yo
I was once
Apparent
And felt
Not like I was yours
But
As if I weren’t
I’m now
Possessed
Cherished
Prized
I feel singular
With new substance
And budding strength
I’m harder
And smarter
Understanding
Grasping the truth
And pumping it through you
About the past
And the present
Even the future
I’m permanent
Strong
From necessary losses
And some other things, too
Now
A fixture
Not
For looks
Or pleasure
But
For strength
And purpose
(Ok, some pleasure)
To lead you out of the softness
The blue
Into the hard
Solid
Rudiments
Of life
LIFE
The Violet
Living
And feeling
With purpose
No more ache
Or stagnant love
Or weakness
Can we be done with that?
Now
Let's traverse
To the true quintessence
Of this thing
Called
You

still rewinding... You know what was funny about my trip. Well there were lots of things, but firstly, the fact I was picked for a "random search" approximately 4 times during our travels last week and my companion, Michael, was chosen twice. Isn't that funny?! How can that happen? Needless to say, even if we did attempt to smuggle some sort of weapon or mind-altering substance onto any of our planes, we may just have succeeded. But search, schmearch. If you're charming, happy travelers like us, they're too busy being entertained to notice too much. So we made it to Northstar, which was right next to the great Lake Tahoe, or Dah-Oh as the Indians originally called it. Of course, the all-knowing English-speaking settlers liked Tahoe better, so there you go. Yeah, I learned some things in my travels. Don't even get me started about Captain Dick... But back to Northstar Adventures: After a restless night Wednesday (altitude, hard bed, etc) Michael and I journeyed to mid-mountain where we parted company - him, well to ski, because he can, and me to join 6 other novices in a 2 hour ski lesson. Oh yeah, we learned to sidestep up a mountain, pizza, or wedge, or snowplow, to stop (like that really works), and the duck walk. Please at least try to picture me duckwalking in a circle with skis on! I'd hate to think I did that for naught. Uh-huh, really worth my $65; but I made some friends. Peter and Melissa from Cincinnati, Darryl, a/k/a Momentum Man (oh God, I'm laughing thinking about his near collision at the bottom of the slope - we had great seats for that), little Daniel, (ah, cute) Matthew, (approx 15 yrs old, who will someday be a stud - and he knows that) and Anita (little happy Asian). Basically, we all sucked at skiing, but like I said, the duckwalking made it all worthwhile. After the lesson, I bravely hopped on the ski lift and headed up a very small mountain. I didn't make it very far down before frustration and embarassment overtook and destroyed me and my confidence. I hated that! I thereafter quite rudely shoved Mike off to ski and sat at the Mid-Mountain Cafe trying to figure out why I was so intimidated by this sport. I ran into acquaintences and had some wine (yes!) before the inevitable trip down the mountain to the lodge. Started out with the same frustrations, but by the time I reached the bottom, I was a little more sure of myself. That is until a couple two-year-olds practically knocked me down. Saint Michael patiently encouraged me down, never once laughing, although that really must've took a great deal of self-control. But once down, I was a smiling, happy girl again. Especially after a shower and a quick journal entry. Later that night, we met some people for dinner and some hot tubbing and a lot of wine. I may write more about our hotel-room escapades later, but for now, I will leave you in suspense, like I have been known to do. I really must leave my tiny office and head home.

Quickly though, on a topic I must mention at least briefly so I do not get too far off my present quandries; I went out with Ed again last night. We dined at Old Chicago and saw "Blackhawk Down". Although he is a sweet, sweet guy, with lots o' potential (there I go again on the potential) there's just not a lot of "zap" going on. (Let me tell ya about Zap sometime!) Is it me, or have I surpassed all the "regular" guys out there, striving for something much more deep and meaningful, with zap. Of course!!! Duh! But I'll dwell on that later.

Rewind.. back to last week. Tuesday, the day before I left, we finally had our big staff meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but after the meeting was finished, I was asked to stay. My bosses (God bless em) just wanted to touch base with me about my status post-breakup. For obvious reasons, it has been a helluvan emotional month for this girl; and just because I'm at work, doesn't mean those terrible, heart-tearing breakdowns don't cease. Yes, I try more to control them between the hourse of 8 and 5, but they are still there and are very aparent to whomever is around. But my bosses were nothing but supportive, simply wanting to know where I was at. This little conference helped me refocus on my job. My God, professionally, I won't get anywhere with these emotional tendancies. So a new goal right now is to refocus at work. To strive a little bit harder. Ok. Ok. That night, I had a blind date... First one of these in a looooooooooong time. It was nice, though. The guy (Ed) was attractive, seemed sweet yet shy, yeah, a few issues. I, on the other hand, turned on the 500 watt super charmer (I save the 5000 watt jumbo for bigger challenges) and made quite the impression on the poor guy. It was fun. He was interested. We have a date tonight. How bout that for my 46th day of singledom. Stay tuned, for in the very near future, I must talk about my Tahoe stories...

I have a new zest for life. This after several wonderful days spent at Lake Tahoe and surrounding areas. I'm very busy at work today, but will list several topics to discuss at a later time:

1/29/02 - Boss reviews and blind dates
1/30/02 - Random searches
1/31/02 - Why ski? Why sex?
2/01/02 - Take-my-breath-away beauty, gourmet food and altitute sickness
2/02/02 - Jackasses, travel bonding and returning home
bonus topic: If you wait six years for a first date, your second should be in Paris

feelin empty today. i hate that.

STEPHEN C. BOLDT (January 25, 1950 - September 3, 1990).
Happy Birthday, Dad.

I miss you. That goes without saying. There are times in this life, sometimes, when I wonder if you were ever here at all, or if you were just some imaginary friend I had. But I know you were real. You left your mark. With your kids and your wife. We’re all kinda lost without you, trying hard to complete our lives in a normal fashion. All of us are pretty good at pretending we’re ok (whatever that is), but we’re not and I don’t think we ever will be. We’ve had happy times, but we’re all so confused. Actually, I don’t even feel as close to any of them as I should. I know I can go to them whenever I need to, but I think sometimes we’re scared of each other because of all we’ve been through and we remind each other of you. It’s probably just me, though. I’m always the troubled one. I believe you have a seat up there in heaven and you’ve been watching us. I know I’ve angered you, but I’m hoping that by just being up there in heaven, you are able to understand and forgive all the things I’ve done wrong. It seems they all started the day you left.

I’m sorry I didn’t go home after the funeral. I couldn’t. I needed to be away from the sadness of that house. Still going there today gives me a weird feeling. I don’t understand how Monti can live there. It’s suffocating, small and sad. I feel bad sometimes when I think they should just tear it down and build a new house. It has nothing to do with you, Dad, but I think sometimes I just want everything to be new so nothing reminds me of the painful past. Then again, I hoard my belongings in a trunk as if I’m saving them to build some cenotaph to the past. I have trunks and boxes full of my past and I can’t throw them away. I like to reminisce. I’m comfortable with the feeling of loss. It takes me inside myself, conjures up so much energy and I feel it running through me like warm water. Is it cleaning me out? I hope so.

Back to my apology. You know, everything you told me not to do, I did that year after you died. I got drunk, I smoked, I even had sex for the first time. You wouldn’t have liked the guy, but, if it’s not too weird to tell you, he was very nice and gentle with me. I think he cared about me, too. But I always think that. I’m starry-eyed. But worse than losing my virginity, were the nights I would go out with Amy and Lois, get drunk and make out with guys we had just met. I would always be sad if I didn’t meet anyone. I’m still this way today. I know that’s so stupid because you always told me that I was pretty, that you were proud of me, not to have sex before I was married, not to drink or smoke or take drugs. It seems that these things are all I’ve been doing! And then when I do get away from them, usually because I’m in a relationship, it ends up in failure because I choose these guys (or do they choose me?) who have no ability to love me long-term. This brings out anger, jealousy, possessiveness, fear, or any other number of the pathetic emotions that I unfortunately have yet to learn to handle. These things understandably drive people crazy and drive them away.

So I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m single, Dad. There’s not a man in my life to say, “I have a girlfriend. Her name is Mollie.” I know that’s ok. I know I’m here for some reason and it sure as hell isn’t to be somebody’s girlfriend. I’m working on it. I have done some things that I know you’d be proud of. I have my Bachelor’s degree and I’m going to have my Masters in 3 years. I have big goals, but for now I have my family, great friends, a job where I’m appreciated, an apartment, a car, and I’m supporting myself. I’m trying to take care of my body, my mind and my soul. I read a lot, learn a lot and laugh a lot. You taught me these things. You reinforced the fact that these things were important. Oh, yeah, I'm in therapy. Figuring out I have yet to deal with the grief from your death. Until I do this, I plan on abstaining from a serious relationship. I don't think I could deal with another loss until I've truly dealt with yours. I hope it doesn't take too long. Patience is what I need. You were impatient, too, but probably aren't anymore. I bet it feels so much better.

So here I am on your 52nd birthday. Wondering what it’d be like if you were alive. Wondering how close we would be. Wondering if I could talk to you about all these crazy things in my head. Wondering if you’d understand. Wondering if you’d make me feel better, safer and more secure. Knowing you would. Most of the time it really sucks without you, but then I think of what a hard time you’d have conforming to the way people are today. They’re aren’t too many people like you anymore. I’m sure you’re in better company where you are. I remember you telling me you wanted me to be good so you could see me in heaven some day. I hope I’m doing that. I can’t wait to see you again. I think of you every day. I love you and love that you’re my dad.

Reading a book on Auras right now. Last night, I took the test. I'm a Violet

Check out this man's PENIS collection. Mollie fact: Penis is one of my favorite words to speak aloud.

Random Thought: Happy Teaching

Luckily, I had a counseling session scheduled last night. Of course, it was very helpful. Discussions of my past week, the fact that I was extremely drunk both Tuesday and Friday nights and my silly actions resulting from poor judgment and, ultimately, the panic attacks, did nothing but lead me right on to Depression Drive; a narrow, low-maintenance, dangerous, curvy, pot-hole-filled, lane winding down a big ol mountain. Yesterday, I was driving at mock speed, and it was storming, and my windshield wipers were broke. Jan helped slow me down and veer me off on a safer, more maintained road and the storm has yielded to a mild rain. Luckily, she also helped fixed the wipers. I'm driving slower now, able to see the path before me. It's still kinda dark and grey, but I'm calm and even kinda relaxed. I'll just keep driving, stopping here and there for gas, new headlights, wiper fluid, etc. Heck, maybe I'll even check into a nice hotel here and there. But I'll look forward to the trip and try to be prepared for any mishaps along the way. You know what? That's all I can do.

I'm definitely in stage #4. Yuck!!!

Damn it! I broke down at lunch. Tried to hold it in, but it overwhelmed me. Guess I should have known it would be coming. Shit!

Had a little trouble being, and spent a little too much energy Friday trying to be "up". After a night of drinking downtown with Tammy and Tracey, came home exhausted and depressed. Barely made it through the night, but when I did, was proud. The "down" feelings continued throughout Saturday. Played Bunco for the first time in 2 months. Had to tell my story to the girls. Afterwards, had dinner with Charlie. That was nice and definitely helped. Sunday, spent 3 hours at Barnes & Nobel. Read an entire book while there on the 9 relationship personality types. I believe I am an emoter, people-pleaser with a dash of attention-seeker. Bought another $125 worth of books to get me through the many drinkless nights I plan on spending alone with my cat. Coo-koo, coo-koo.

Spent the first part of last evening relaxing, reading and writing. C.Leigh, Tracey, Tammy and Kristal came later for drinks and chats. That was so nice. They left at midnight and, after a short tele-chat with Cami, I went to bed.

Desperately seeking insight! As such, I decided to once again tap into my online tarot source. This time I asked for more insight into my current annoying, unsettling, anxious feelings. The Wheel of Fortune card was drawn stating:

"When the Wheel of Fortune is in this position, your circumstances may be constantly fluctuating. The immediate future seems uncertain, so who can fault you for feeling a bit overwhelmed or confused. Do not take it personally -- a force may be present that is beyond your power to manipulate. Think of this energy as the great washing machine of life. If you put up with the churning, the rinse cycle and the final tumble, then everything will be resolved when it's over. Still, it is a challenge to keep your composure. The part of you that prefers control feels helpless. What an uncomfortable feeling, not knowing when or where the wheel is going to stop. Wait and watch, and as you do, try to absorb and understand the process. Now is not the time to make any definite decisions."

There............. you.............. go.

Does this ever happen to you... A complete stranger walks into your day and gives and undeniable new hope faith in the presence of God? This has happened to me 3 times in my life, but it happened again today. I am alone at the office and an old man comes in. I have never seen or heard of him before, but his is a client, supposedly needing to sign some papers. I search the whole office for this file, but find nothing. He says that is ok, but before leaving holds out his hand saying "here is something to get you through your day". A hand full of tootsie rolls. I said thank you and have a good day. He looked me right in the eye and said "my days are always good. Yours are, too." Unconsequential? Maybe to most people, but not to me. Not only did his words make me feel good, but the tootsie rolls! I have never once boughten them, even though I loooove them. But throughout my life, the most influential people have always given me tootsie rolls. Everyone from my first love, to my grandpa, to my favorite teachers, to my last love. Tootsie Rolls. I guess you may think I'm crazy, maybe I am.

As further proof of my nuttiness, I did an online tarot reading today asking for my focus for today. The Judgment card was drawn stating this: "with Judgment in this position, it appears that you are either accidentally or intentionally heading towards an encounter with some catalytic force that may transform your personality. Your sense of identity is being reformed. A sense of reunion may prevail because all the individuals pictured on this card are incarnations of the same soul meeting in a timeless place. You are uniting with your various selves. As you assimilate all of your fragments into a larger sense of self, you will become a more whole person--deeper, wiser and more universal. Trust this clear channel of being and the response it evokes in others."

Accordingly, this constant sense of mild anxiety and emptiness may have validity. It makes sense that I feel detached from almost everyone in my life right now. But my hope is to get to a point where I can let everyone in again, maybe even some new people.

I look almost as bad as I feel today. I'm hung over. Went with Jen and Nicole to The Zoo Bar last night to watch my cousin's band - "The Ten Cent Pistols" - who opened for "The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash". Did I mention Loren is in this band? Well, I had a blast, but got sucked into the old high school drama wondering what's going on between the two of us. But, wisely, I've decided it doesn't really matter. He's Mr. Social but didn't spend a lot of time socializing with me. That was fine since I tend to be Ms. Social, myself. Was able to flirt a bit with the lead singer, who I have had a bit of a crush on for quite some time. I was so drunk by the end of the night that I made him drive me home, not realizing until I was actually home that he was then stuck there. Oh darn. He came on in, hung out with me for awhile. Ok, we did some fun stuff, but the details of that are for me to know and you to ponder. Amazingly enough, and, I think, a true sign of maturity, was the fact that we stopped things before they got too far, mostly, and I hate to admit this, because this was a friend of Lorens. Man, I was proud of us. But then I thought, "It's not like I'm Loren's girlfriend or anything!" (see what I mean about high school drama! Please!). But, after we sobered up a bit, I ended up driving him home and then stopped by Brian's (I knew he was having after-hours). Loren was there, seated on the couch surrounded by girls (none of them even close to being as cute as me, and all of them with huge asses - sorry - so I was ok with this). It comes with the territory of hanging with "rockstars", I guess. Saving grace was my conversation with Angel - the crazy dancing groupie. Don't remember what we talked about though. But after a half hour or so, I was ready for some sleep and said my goodbyes and headed home to crash. Loren left a cute message on my answering machine this morning, um, at 4 am. Why does this make me happy? Despite all the drama and the pathetic "oh, God, I'm single and too old for this" feelings, I had a good time and made it through the night throwing my expectations to the wind and feeling mighty good. I awoke this morning ok with all that happened and, especially, what didn't happen. Yea for me!

When Lathen left me, I sent an email to all my friends with the heads-up. Most of them thought it was a joke, but when they realized it wasn't I was blessed with many caring responses. Whenever I feel sad and start to miss Lathen, I read those responses from my beautiful and wonderful friends and I always feel better. What follows is my little sister's response. Beki: she's 22, married with a two-year-old, and she is so cute! Today, this one helped - a lot:

Hey! Well, to tell you the truth ever since this whole thing happened I knew it was the right thing. Lathen is a really nice guy and I know your relationship was good with him, but I just couldn't see him settling down and being a family man, which I think you want in a guy, right? He had plenty of opportunity to change, but didn't. He could've found a different job, so that you could spend more time ogether. If you would've stayed together I think the future for you guys would've brought you further and further apart and you would've been more and more unhappy. I get so mad at {husband's name deleted] because he always wants to go hunting, fishing, golfing, lift weights, or something or other. But I can't imagine him never being around, that would be very hard and I can imagine what you were going through. I know you are the type of person that doesn't like to be alone, the right guy is out there. Don't get discouraged, you're young and have a long time ahead of you. Beleive me once you start a family and have kids there is no turning back. And you wouldn't feel like there is no good in you, that is ridiculous Mollie. I think you just need to refocus and realize that this kindof thing happens to everyone in one way or another and everyone gets through there tough times. I know in 5 years you'll look back on this whole thing and laugh, but right now it's OK to cry. I hope this doesn't sadden your day I hope it brightens it, because it should...and its FRIDAY!!! Love, Beki

After work last night, I headed to the grocery store. When I returned to my apartment, I felt a bit of despair when there were no messages on my home answering machine! In addition, I had no plans and was forced into aloneness for the first time since the breakup. It sucked. Especially considering I don't even have cable hooked up yet. I went and worked out, returned to messageless apartment. I had rented "Moulan Rouge" the other night and stuck that in. What a terrible movie!! I watched about 15 minutes worth and had to turn it off. But don't take my word for it. Judge for yourself. About 10:00, Loren called. He has his 7-year-old son this week, but still subtly invited me over. I, of course, accepted, and took with me another movie - "Evolution". Again, a bad movie, but I enjoyed the company anyway. I'm getting mixed signals from Loren. But then again, I'm sure I'm sending them, as well. I decided not to stay over, and returned home after the movie. Good news? I was happier. Slept soundly. Today will be better.

Bittersweet weekend, it was. Friday night I spent with the "new one", aka Loren. Initial plan was to go dancing - yee-haw! But considering he was late in calling me, I trotted over to friend, Tracey's house, for wine with her, Tammy and Kristal. I was one glass away from finishing my bottle of wine when I received his call - a last minute invitation to dinner with him, his best friend and his parents. Of course I accepted - I can't resist this guy. Upon meeting his mom, she hugged me right away. I love that in a person!! So dinner was good. Afterwards, a quick stop by the parents' house where I was given more drink and shown the family photo albums. You'd think this would be an uncomfortable thing, but this guy, and his family it seems, are so much fun, light-hearted and comfy. I like him. Please... stop me from falling!!! My heart cannot take it right now!! Alas! Went dancing. Wonderful! Wonderful! The friend left with some girl, leaving us stuck with no car. Made it back to his place somehow and, upon changing into comfy clothes, spent the next couple hours dancing in his living room. Seriously, I've yet to meet a guy who can dance like him. We then went to bed - cuddler!!! Who needs sex? I want to be a cuddle-slut! Awoke Saturday, chatted and laghed in bed and I returned home carefree and smiling. That night, I went to a hockey game with another friend, Mike. Hockey game was fun, fun, but the beginning and end of this night were a bit more on the serious side, as it would seem our relationship, although very close, is a bit much for me right now, and for him as well. We will undoubtedly remain the closest of friends, but expectations are diverse. As I told him, I have never in my whole life felt the way I feel right now. This freedom is both exhilerating and depressing all at once. I have many plans for myself and it will take someone very, very special to fit into them. Realistically, though, aloneness, although still frightening, is my best option, and this is where I plan on expending most of my energy right now. On that note, I am proud to say I spent Sunday with my family - all of em - but I eveninged alone with Sigmund (my cat). I made it! Hooray for me!

Ok, so enough of the quotes!!! Topic for the day, what are your rules of life. It's a question posed on the Bob and Tom show this morning, and I'll be damned if I can think of any of my own except... when you're hungry, eat something. I guess for the present moment, and quite applicable to blog, truly: for the immediate time being, I will not be publishing anything here about my current corporeal intimacies. Although for my own reference and future speculation my written journal is filling up quite nicely. Instead I will concentrate solely on self-reflection after any such encounters. Why? I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of attaching myself to anyone, or even the idea of anyone, right now. In an attempt to protect myself, have had stern conversations with myself a number of times within the last few weeks regarding the ever familiar attachment feelings, and am still in constant inner-monologue. I have old friends who I have longed to be intimate with, but couldn't prior to singledom. And I've now met a certain new one that I simply adore. I'm sure I will not be abstaining from sex. That will be impossible knowing myself as well as I do. No, I guess for the time being, I need to keep the psyche separate from the physical, if ya can dig it. At least until my wits are more about me. Because you know, there are magical things out there patiently waiting the completion of my wits (see Phillpotts quote below). Wish me luck!

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
-C. G. Jung,

"Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly."
-U. Peter

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
-Eden Phillpotts

"Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself."
-Plato

"When unhappy, one doubts everything; when happy, one doubts nothing."
-Joseph Roux

"When all else fails, post a quote"
-Me

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Allan K. Chalmers

"...but ultimately, to figure out what we love to do and do it always with hope."
-Mollie M. Boldt

Well, I'm pretty much moved in... I really haven't had a lot of time to reflect, though. My mom, brother, sister and family were with me last night until about 9:30. After that, I tried to unpack, but by midnight I was so exhausted that all I could do was fall into bed. I slept wonderfully. I will post more when I have the time and energy...

Despite the good vibrations from Mike and C.Leigh, I did suffer a temporary setback last night as I returned "home" to pack my cat and all my clothes and transport them to the new abode. Long to short, I purposely entered the house knowing Lathen would be there getting ready for work. I did want to see him, not for the pathetic questioning of his choices like last time, but to experience my own sadness and for one last hug. It was hard, but I know deep down we are doing the right thing. As much as I want to hate the guy, he has brought so much to my life that before I had not known. Ours was perhaps the first relationship where I was treated as I felt I deserved to be. That is, I felt loved, respected and cherished, at least for the first year and a half. It hurts knowing most of the last year we were, in fact, growing apart and were merely attempting to play the role of boyfriend/girlfriend. But you can't say we didn't try. But the cold facts are these: We both have big fat voids in our lives, huge, undealt-with issues from painful childhoods. I think the biggest challenge for both of us will be learing to love and respect ourselves and value our worth. I'm going to try so damn hard to get there, but all I can do is hope and pray for him to do the same. He has the potential if he could only see it. So from this point on, I will forgive myself and him for all we did and did not do that contributed to our failed realationship - squeeze. I will cherish how our relationship has made us grow - absorb, absorb - and work on moving past both. Setbacks will be permitted and forgiven. See me?I'm positive!

Please send me good, positive, strong vibes for this week. I will be moving out of "our house" into my very own apartment - alone. While most of me is excited and anticipating growth and happiness, a small part of me is still very much heartbroken and scared to death. I think once I'm through with the move, I'll be much better. I'm completely dreading having to enter the house, pack my belongings and say goodbye to the dogs. This week, it will be final. But on to happier topics...

Friday night was spent at Molly's Pub in Ralston with Christie and Alex (her boyfriend's roommate and a guy I met through an ex of all things!) Once we all got a few drinks in us, conversation really picked up. After closing the bar, we returned to DJ & Alex's where I watched a rousing game of playstation, began watching Rush Hour II, but fell asleep in Alex's bed quickly after it began. Upon waking, we brunched at IHOP, and, after a quick shower, I was off to Kansas City to visit cousin, Sharla. On the way down, I stopped briefly at a C-Mart in Mound City, Missouri, to visit the very place where I once spent a few horrifying hours at the hands of a psycho-drunk ex boyfriend, who ultimately ended up spending that night in jail. Maybe I'll disclose more on that later, who knows? (are we seeing some patterns here?) But the good news is I entered the place with a smile and left as I entered. I was actually laughing at the HORRID memory. Jeez!! Life does go on, you know. But moving forward... Upon my arrival to Countryside, Kansas, I sat with Shar in her basement with a bottle of white zin, of course, and disclosed my whole recent heartbreaking story. As I told her of the events of the past few weeks, I began to realize that things haven't really been that good for over a year. Isn't denial a strange, sneaky little creature? You know your mind can make any reality it chooses, right? But the goal for the future will be to sieze reality!!! I will surely blog more about this epiphany in the future when my wits are better and stronger. Anyway - we dined at PF Chang's with her husband, Jamie, and followed that up with a couple hours of drinking and socializing at a nearby sportsbar, I forgot its name (Jamie left us alone for this, bless his heart). All in all, a great weekend. Returned Sunday, wrapped up the weekend spending some time with family and on a couple VIP phone calls. Then I was fast asleep. Remember... send those vibes!!

Tonight I'm off to Omaha to spend some happy time (ie: drunkeness, I'm sure) with cousin, Christie, and her posse. Tomorrow, off to Kansas City to visit another cousin, Sharla. More happy times there, too. Looking forward to the get-away. Also, I officially have a new apartment, all ready to move in on Monday. Looking forward to the move? Not so much; but I am happy about the ever-closer finality of being out of the house and getting all my stuff together again, including my cat! Things are moving along quite nicely. I won't be able to blog until Monday, so ta-ta til then...

Better and better. The heartbreak contractions have lessened both in frequency and intensity. I feel myself getting closer to the birth of my new life. Things seem clear and real. The clearest of all, though, is knowing how much work I have to do on myself - alone. This is a scary thought, but I'm ready and willing to delve into my personal issues first so that the next relationship, if not perfect, will at least be better. When it comes to relationships, these are my fears:

1. Abandonment (4 major deaths between ages 6 and 17)
2. Competition (middle child syndrome? possible ugly duckling syndrome)
3. Neglect (loving, affectionate father dies; unemotional, unavailable mother remains)

Don't get me wrong, I will not complain once about my life. I am blessed beyond belief. It's just time to deal with all those things that hurt me way back when so I don't continue to let them interfere with my future happiness. Easier said than done, but I will choose to believe I can do this.

Happy New Year. I must say, I'm glad to see 2001 go, but I will always remember it as a year of great growth. I'm a an entireley different place than I was last year. I'm now at a better job, a college graduate, I have a better vehicle, bought and lost a house (but will soon have my very own apartment) and, yes, single and living alone for the first time since April, 1996. Wow.

Woke up angry this morning and was happy about that. It means I'm entering another phase of this break up. I've spent the last week and a half in the first two stages: shock and hope. I've been blaming myself for everything, feeling unattractive, worthless and evil. This morning, though, instead of missing all those things I loved about Lathen, I was pissed off at everything he wasn't and led me to believe he was and because he is taking everything away that he said was mine. Maybe he doesn't mean to, but still... Yeah, I messed up - a lot. I did some unforgivable things, but damn it! That's what happens when girls like me are lonely, when you don't talk to us, don't want to touch us or make love to us. I feel like I was always myself with him. He knew how I felt, what I wanted, what I needed. I really believe I communicated these things to him. Effectively, maybe not, but I tried. But who was he? A tender-hearted soul, yes, but I think all he ever told me he needed was freedom to do as he pleased, but I wouldn't let him. No, I wouldn't let him when it hurt me, but only then. Is that too much to ask? But why did these things hurt me? This is what I must ask myself.

These lists could go on, so I will only post the top 10

I LIKE IT THAT I/AM:
Funny
Educated
Loving
Able to sing well
Progressive
Eager to learn
Not scared of growing up/growing old
Believe in a higher power
Believe in the stars
Believe there's potential in everyone

I KINDA WISH I WASN'T:
Insecure
Scared to be alone
Distrustful
So easily persuaded
So needful for attention
Fatherless
Chubby
Restless
Tempermental
Able to lose control

It's been practically a week post-break-up and as a good friend pointed out, I've made it through the toughest part. I've made progress. I found a nice apartment that will accept my cat and my washer and dryer. I will have to leave the dogs in Lathen's hands, but he does love them and I have faith they will be well taken care of. I will miss those little creatures more than anything. They were always there for me, every night. This whole thing sucks, but I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do. I do not want a man in my life whose reality is so different than mine. I'm realizing that what I want, my dreams and goals, make no sense to him at this point. In fact, I think they scare him. These importances? Family, education, stability, structure. His importances? Money, freedom, reckless abandon. Unless something changed, we were doomed. People don't change. I will continue to need these things and so will he. Sometimes love just ain't enough.

I will cut my spongelessness short today to write a bit about the tumultuousness of my life right now with the hopes of shedding some of the pressing sadness away. As I walked out the front door this morning, I stopped on the step and took a deep breath thinking -
"today is yet another 'first day of the rest of my life' ". As I focused on the smoke that was rising from my neighbor's chimney I also thought - "Tonight, I will sleep alone. There will be no call from Lathen at 2 a.m. telling me he is on his way home. Tomorrow, I will wake up alone." You see, Lathen and I have drifted apart and he, apparently being stronger than I, has forced yet another break up in my life. I'm angry that this had had to happen to me so many times. I start to wonder what's wrong with me. The sadness is overwhelming. But there are brief moments where I can feel the small flame of hope for a better future. One filled with happiness and love. The kind that doesn't go away. This is all I want.

I usually write quite soulfully when in turmoil, but I think I'm going to take a short hiatus from Brainsponge while I work through this particular difficulty. Just so you know, what follows is yesterday's horoscope. I'm wondering just how true it is...

There's no question, this has been a long time coming. But today the change you have been hoping for so long is likely to occur, Mollie. The enormity of the change may not be obvious, at least at first. But over time, you will look back upon the events of today and see just how pivotal they were. Keep your wits about you today, and seize any intriguing opportunity that comes along.

Shitty weekend. Don't feel like writing.

For all you ladies.. in case you wondered... what follows is an email from my friend, Charlie, in response to my question: "What should I get Lathen for Christmas?"

THE SECRET TO A CONTENTED MAN

I am sure you do these things already. Surprise him, let him know how special he is--not when he has done something already for you.(put a love note in his pocket, glove box or underwear drawer) spray a kleenex with your perfume and leave it on his visor. Small gifts leading up to a big one. Does he have a bike? Trips are good, a picture of a landmark, beach, golden gate bridge, snowy Mountain, (I got a car once-but she stole it back). Find out what meant a lot to him as a child and he doesn't have now- sports star autograph, baseball cards, Theres a ton of things--the biggie for me was/is something that takes me back to a special time with her, a ring, bracelet,(my bike that's in Tampa) special picture (no not that kind) mine was us and the seals at fishermen wharf in SF. I know you could do this, a special poem that tells him something he has never heard from you, framed so he sees it regularly. Heres another killer--no ferris wheels available, you need a friend with a camera (get out of the gutter) - 13th and O at noon with a gazillion People scurrying about, as you are standing on the corner among the masses, you take him in you arms and give him the longest,deepest, softest kiss that starts at his lips and ends minutes later shaking his toes. Your friend snaps the photo with all the people in the background. People do it all the time in bars, doesn't mean anything- 13th and O, noon, witnesses--that's a statement 8 X 10 glossy and its recorded for posterity. Every time you and he look at it-zowie. Sorry got carried away, too much testosterone.
If all else fails high heels, a different perfume and topcoat--and that's all. ...[omitted]... I think the holidays make me weird---yea it has to do with a woman.

I've contributed to my friend, Cami's, "Ode to Ex" week by submitting a few short essays entitled Weasel, Gearhead and Captain America. Check them, and many others, out at nutz'so.

So instead of the usual pajama party last night, the girls and I swung down to Sandy's for some elk creek and karaoke. A typical drunk night at Sandy's, I guess. I sang "Down So Long". And after I returned home and passed out, I dreamt of naked christmas lights and wine. ?

In response to yesterday's "hair blog", my dear, sweet friend, Mary, sent me the following email:

You silly girl . . . .
I've never seen you have a bad hair day in your life!
You have the disgustingly good luck of having sexy
hair. When your hair starts falling down, unlike
mine, which just looks messy and like I never brush
it, yours looks like you just stepped out of the
studio for the Playboy centerfold shot.
Geez, guys were always jumping over you like puppy
dogs when you started playing with your hair.
Would've made me sick, had I not been your loyal
wingman.
Better go, make sure the kiddo actually gets the
macaroni IN her mouth.
Love you!

Of course, that message made my day and, I'll admit, I posted it here for an extremely HUGE ego boost. But mostly to remind myself that even though I may think I'm not perfect enough, there are others who see beauty in their reality, and I should, too. Thank God for friends like her. And by the way, Mary is a tall, long-legged, skinny blonde and I've seen my share of "puppies" while out with her!

After a frustrating 10 minutes in front of the mirror this morning, this popped into my head as I drove to work.
You got to sing it.. blues style.. for it to sound good...

I wake up in the morning
wonder what the hell shall I wear
And then I look in the mirror
Take a good long look at my hair

My hair isn't quite falling
I put it up but it won't stay
I'm destined to have yet another
why-do-I-look-like-this-day

I've got the blues
the bad bad bad hair day blues....

Ouch. I've created for myself trepidation and limitation through an almost constant insistence on an impossible reality. That hurts.